Marital Life, - Divorce Rate Rivals Marriages in the Muslim World

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Ash-Sharq Al-Awsatnewspaper hosted meetings with a number of scholars to discuss their opinions on the phenomenon of increasing divorce rates.
One of the scholars, Shaykh Saalim ibn Mubaarak Al-Mahaarifi, may Allaah preserve him, thepreacher in Riyadh Air Base and the Imaam of Hamzah ibn Abdul-Muttalib' Mosque at the National Guard base, said:"The reality of many people today indicates varying degrees of indifference to the value of words and the meaning of expressions, as well as its impact and consequences. There is one particular phrase people are often heard uttering mindlessly, though it may steer them toward loss and immorality, thrusting them into the maze of anxiety, sorrow and apathy, followed by grief and regret, only there is no use of regret then. That is because by that point, it has already destroyed the edifice of families and homes, caused fear and turned joy into sadness, a smile into a frown and hope into despair. ]Such is the effect of[ the sentence: You are divorced. How many times has it severed ties between relatives and those who adore each other and cut off long-standing relations of love and companionship?"
He further added:“No one can argue against the benefit of divorce or its inevitability if marital life becomes unbearable. When a couple’s aversion to each other intensifies to the extent that reconciliation would not be beneficial, then divorce is the only resort. However, their separation must be in an aura of kindness and compassion, just as they were joined in union with the same emotions.Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}But if they separate ]by divorce[, Allaah will enrich each ]of them[ from His abundance. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise.{]Quran 4:130[
Allaah The Almighty did not create the individuals who have wed with the exact same nature; therefore, those spouses who think they share identical feelings and desires and hence, will not clash, actually live in a dream world. The gentle breeze on the shores of marriage does not continuously blow calmly inside the home; rather the air may become turbulent, storms may brew and the atmosphere may become turbid. Expecting marital life to be a continuous source of comfort is an illusion and it is rational to prepare one's self to face some grievances.As Allaah The Almighty reminds us, Saying )what means(:}For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allaah makes therein much good.{]Quran 4:19[ The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, also advised:"A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her attributes, he will be pleased with another."]Muslim[
However, the incidence of divorce nowadays has increased to such an extent that it competes with the occurrence of marriages. As the obligation on husbands to take responsibility and provide for their wives, has become lost on some men, in these times of heedlessness of the guidance in the Quran and Sunnah, and others have resorted to unlawful sources of income, the concept of the conjugal bond has been reversed and marital life has been corrupted. At the same time, the media, using different means, has inflated doubts ]concerning marriage[ among people and established false concepts.”
Shaykh Saalim, may Allaah preserve him, also indicated:“Marital life is nothing but a form of social life; in most every society, there is a chief to whom people refer to, in case of major issues. In the hierarchy of a family, a man is worthy of that role, as he is generally more knowledgeable of its interests and capable of authoritatively running it; Allaah The Almighty has created him with certain inherent characteristics and abilities that differ from those He bestowed on the woman. What her surrounding environment calls on her, then, to contend for the duty of being in charge with the man, is amiss and nothing else but a form of manifest eccentricity and a clash with reality which stands as evidence behind what I propose. Equally importantly on the other hand, the right of taking charge of the woman does not mean that a man is entitled to despotism and subjugation. The marital contract is neither one that sanctions slavery nor a limited contract of enjoyment; rather it is much purer and more honored than that, for it entails that a woman, too, has rights over a man,as Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.{]Quran 2:228[Moreover, the husband can never simply dispense with his wife and she cannot thrust him aside either, for they must be like AllaahThe Almighty Says )what means(:}They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.{]Quran 2:187[
The frequency of divorce increases these days when a husband turns into either of two sorts of men. He may become conditioned in wielding his authority so much that he neglects reason and emotion. He is like a military commander heading a dictatorship in his home. Although he may always succeed in operating his household as he wills, he will never taste love and happiness nor experience contentment and bliss. The other possibility is that a husband becomes one who acts in accordance to his emotions and neglects his authority until he loses it. Therefore, he lives in his home like a slave who is dominated and controlled by others. His wife leads him wherever she wills, even if it is a path to destruction.
Other causes of the prevalence of divorce are the increase in gossipmongers and envious people, who change marriage, which is supposed to instill affection and harmony into a source of hatred and division. Even families of both spouses sometimes have a share in situations that directly fan the flames of many disputes, sever intimate ties and facilitate the folly of many.”
Another scholar, Shaykh Al-Mahaarifi, may Allaah preserve him, said:“Conjugal relations are meant to be deep-rooted and long-term. May Allaah The Almighty have mercy upon a person who is well-intentioned, good-natured, lenient, kind and merciful towards his family and does not overburden his wife. May Allaah The Almighty also bless a woman who neither makes arduous demands of her husband nor afflicts him with harm. It was narrated that the Messenger of Allaah TheAlmighty, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:"If a woman prays her five ]daily prayers[, protects her chastity and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from whichever gate she wants.'']Ibn Hibbaan[As for the husbands, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, advised them:"Be kind to women."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was also once asked about the rights that men owe their wives, so he replied:"Give her food when you have food and give clothes to her when you dress up yourself. Never hit her on her face and do not revile her. Do not leave her alone except ]in the safety of[ the home."]Abu Daawood[”
On his part, Shaykh Muhammad ibn Sulaymaan Al-Barqaan, may Allaah preserve him, chairperson of the Court of Social Security and Marriage in Riyadh, Imaam of At-Turki Mosque, in the Faaraabi district of Riyadh, warned against some husbands making light of divorce and mentioned some catalysts of separation, saying:"There are many reasons for the increased incidence of divorce in the community. I will mention some of them: using drugs leads to many problems among spouses which eventually end in divorce; disparity in thought and practice among the spouses, and the husband being so preoccupied that he falls short in fulfilling the wife's rights."

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - An American Call to Every Woman: Surrender Immediately to Your Husband!

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"The surrendered wife" is the latest social fad which Laura Doyle, an American writer, calls to in her book bearing the same name. This book was recently published in the United States. Every word in this "educational" book calls for liberating men and placing restrictions on women. Furthermore, it urges women to return to the age of washing men's feet, staying up at night for their convenience, not arousing their anger, and doing everything that renders men nice creatures because when a man is nice, he is more "sympathetic" than women and has more "delicate" emotions.
A "surrendered wife" does not necessarily mean a "suppressed" wife. "Surrender" will defeat "suppression" because there is no suppression after surrender. The writer calls for total obedience to the views of husbands. This means that there is no suppression or pressure, but rather love, devotion and a desire to please the husband by saying, "Ok.", "Of course, my love!" and, "Sure, my darling!" The "surrendered wife" does not express her discontent, does not raise her voice in front of her husband, and does not remember the good old days of living with her parents. According to this new American concept, the surrendered wife is the one who does not call her husband to account when he returns home late, and does not ask him how much he spent, how much he saved, to whom he paid and why he spent so lavishly. She does not ask him why he went to his mother, what he gave to his brothers and sisters, why he spends so much on his family and so little on hers, and why he buys himself the most expensive clothes but fails to buy her an elegant ensemble.
In brief, she neither questions nor investigates him. She lets him do as he pleases. She would then reap the fruit of the policy of total freedom to men and total surrender by women. The author does not deny the surrendered wife the right to express her opinions to her husband. However, in this case, she must use the words, "I feel" and, "I feel the same way" instead of, "I believe" and, "In fact". The latter expressions are not just words but landmines that explode at the beginning of any discussion or dialogue between two parties who are in no need of more agitation. Using such words makes the husband feel that he is talking with a man, not a woman, and thus makes him mobilize all his internal forces and defense. By using these words, an unbalanced battle will begin, and will end in the tears of the wife and an apology of the husband, if he still has any sense of etiquette or romance, or in both of them leaving the house amidst the screams of the children.
This book has aroused quite a bit of controversy amid a liberated environment such as the American society, as various avenues of the media review and criticize it. The book is at the top of the list of the top ten bestselling books. There is a difference of opinion concerning it. Some have described it as a "practical and valuable" book. UCLA University, on the other hand, has labeled it as "destructive, backward and not protecting women." Laura Doyle is 33 years old and she was brought up in a house where her parents would beat each other. Both her parents, in the absence of the other, would tell her that marriage is an equivalent, equal institution. In other words, each one considered themselves as the head of the family. A house with two heads will, of course, be a failure. It seems that Laura was affected by the thoughts of her parents and, accordingly, destroyed her marriage with a man who is eleven years older than her. She used to call him to account, control his inner thoughts, inspect his emotions, and even check his yet-to-be-born fancies. Having destroyed her marriage, she sought the advice of some of her happy, sincere female friends. She found that they had totally surrendered and that none of them criticized, mocked or derided her husband. One of her friends even advised her to give her husband total freedom in the issue of money.
Based upon her several meetings with her friends, and building upon her experience in arguing with her husband, Laura formulated the concept of “The surrendered woman for a happy home”. Explaining this concept, Laura said, “My mission is to teach women the power of surrender! I am launching an international peace campaign inside homes where marital wars are inflaming.”
Laura advises women who consider themselves leaders in their offices, enterprises, companies or any job to totally forget that role. She advises them to remove the shoes of leadership once they enter their homes. The home is not a company, and it is not the place where spouses fight each other. She advises them not to belittle their husbands’ views and actions, and advises them to appreciate their husbands’ opinions, emotions and work as well as their small external wars with their work colleagues.
Practical Strategies to Establish Peace Inside the Homes of Warring Spouses
Laura defined some practical strategies to establish peace through surrender inside the homes of warring spouses:
1-Immediate apology for any small mistake that displeased the husband.
2-Expressing a desire to leave the place of argument, whether the home or the room.
3-Avoiding mutual escalation in terms of dissent.
4-Wives should occupy themselves with parallel interests instead of occupying themselves with their husbands, and with making them the center of their lives. This annoys their husbands and makes them think of fleeing from this suffocating predicament.
Naturally, the author was severely criticized, especially for her call to grant husbands freedom in dealing with the family finances, regardless of his right over her money. The wife's income may be more than the husband's, then how can the husband be granted the freesdom to spend both her money and his?

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Family, - Islam and polygamy -II

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Polygamy, in the sense of having more than one wife at the same time, has been one of the chief issues due to which severe criticism has been directed against Islam. Non-Muslims decry Islam for permitting polygamy and allowing a man to have up to four wives at the same time, thus debasing women and slighting their status in society.
It should be made clear that polygamy is allowed in Islam only as an exception. It is succinctly so stated in the Glorious Quran )which means(:"And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice )between them(, then )marry( one only."]Quran 4:3[
This is the only verse in the Glorious Quran that speaks of polygamy and it is evident that it does not enjoin polygamy; it only permits it bound by certain conditions. First, polygamy is allowed permissible in general, but it becomes more recommended only when there are orphans to be cared for by an uncle or a relative, that relative may marry the mother of these orphans if he feels that he cannot do them justice unless he is bound by marriage to their mother.
Such a marriage would enable him to care for the orphans and have free access to them without fearing social slander. This is an acceptable social condition that caters for the welfare of the orphans and the dignity of women.
Another condition is imposed in the same verse, which limits this marriage to the man who feels that he can do justice to his wives. He should provide them with similar dwelling places, similar food and clothing and give them the same physical attention. If he feels unable to do so, he should be satisfied with one wife.
The value of this permission for polygamy becomes evident in times of war when men die on the battlefields and women are left behind to feed and care for their children. Many of these women may not possess the qualifications for the humblest job. The last resort for such women would be prostitution with all its negative physical, social, moral and psychological consequences.
When Islam permits polygamy, it preserves a woman's dignity and humanity and cares for the social moral and economic well-being of orphans. The same principle applies when the number of women exceeds that of men in society. This would lead to moral depravity, which threatens the very essence of civilization.
It may be argued that the modern State can make other arrangements for the maintenance of widows and orphans. That may be true, but the State cannot provide them with a family life; in Islam, the family is considered the real source from where all the good qualities of love and affection spring, which are the greatest asset of society and civilization. Even if it be “half a home” that the woman and children find in a polygamous family, it is better than having no home at all.
Monogamy is without doubt the right form of life under normal conditions, but when abnormal conditions are brought about by the presence of more females than males monogamy fails, and it is only through a limited form of polygamy that this difficulty is faced.
It may be further argued that polygamy, which has been instituted by Islam as an exception and a remedy, has been largely abused by sensual people. That is true, but there are people in every society who abuse any institution, however necessary that may be to the healthy growth of human society. In countries where polygamy is not allowed, the sensuality of man has invented a hundred other ways of giving vent to his carnal desires and these comprise a far greater threat to the security and welfare of society than the abuse of polygamy.
Rather than debasing women or belittling their status in society as some feminists claim, Islam recognizes the position of women to be equitable to that of man when it comes to worship and accountability. Allaah Almighty Says )what means(:"And whoever does good deeds, whether male or female, and he )or she( is a believer-these shall enter the Garden."]Quran 4:124[
In some cases, polygamy is a practical solution and a better alternative. When a man's wife suffers from a chronic disease and fails to respond to her husband's physical needs, Islam offers two alternatives: divorce or polygamy. Many wives would commend the second alternative, as it saves them the humiliation of being without any means of income, particularly if they have no jobs to support themselves.
The same thing applies when it is proven that the wife is sterile and the husband longs to be a father. According to Islam, he can divorce his wife or take another wife who can bear him children. The second alternative may prove most convenient to the sterile wife.
The question may be raised, what if the husband is sterile or suffers from a chronic incurable disease, would the wife entertain the same right and have a second husband? The answer is no, for practical reasons. Most of the societies all over the world are patriarchal where the father assumes the leading role. If the mother assumes the lead, this would be a backward step to the savage matriarchal age.
This system is still dominant in a few backward tribes in Africa, Latin America and Asia. Besides the confusion that would prevail in the household as a result of having more than one husband, there would emerge the problem of relating the children to the father, who can decide who is the real father of the child if there are more than one husband? Problems of inheritance and moral values would emerge in due time.
Islam forbids a woman from having more than one husband at the same time. However, if the husband is sterile or suffers from a chronic disease that prevents them from consummating a conjugal life, the wife may ask for divorce and marry another man.
In societies where women outnumber men, there would be two alternatives: polygamy or prostitution. It is natural for every human being to seek a mate for various psychological, social, economic and sexual reasons. If that mate were not available due to certain reasons such as females outnumbering males, monogamy would not solve the difficulty. The supernumerary women would seek physical satisfaction in adultery and economic support in prostitution.
If society permits polygamy, such a woman would enjoy a dignified life where her physical and economic needs are satisfied without losing self-respect or social acceptance. Her children would enjoy the protection and the care of a father. It may be argued that in such case she would have “half a husband”, but that is better than having no husband, no protection and no roof over her head.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M