Kind Treatment of Spouses, - Dought & clear, - * Husband falling short in his duties towards his wife because of physical and mental illness

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M NajimudeeN - INDIA
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I have been married for approximately two and a half years but my husband does not become intimate with me except every three or five months approximately. He always gives excuses such as sickness or being bewitched (sihr), or the lack of financial stability. He does not show me any affection at all. Every time I speak frankly to him about the matter he comes up with ready-made excuses. Please note that he does not suffering from any (physical) problem, as he says, and he refuses to go to the doctor. In the end I told his family about the matter and they spoke to him, but it was of no benefit . He is putting pressure on me to seek treatment in order to become pregnant and I do not know how it can happen. I am fed up and I do not know what to do. If my family find out about my situation this will definitely result in divorce. Please note that we have been to a number of religious shaykhs, all of whom confirmed that the evil eye is involved, but nothing has helped us. To be frank, I am afraid that I may fall into immoral actions.
I hope that you can explain to me what I have to do, and in the case of divorce, what are my rights?.
Praise be to Allaah.
Allah has enjoined upon the husband to treat his wife decently and with kindness, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And live with them honourably”
[an-Nisa’ 4:19].
This is one of the rights that are common to both spouses; each must treat the other decently and with kindness.
Each spouse has rights over the other. We have discussed in detail the rights of the spouses over one another in the answer to question no. 10680
One of the rights that the wife has over her husband is that he should keep her chaste by means of intercourse with her. This is obligatory for the one who is able to do it. This is the view of the majority of scholars.
It says inal-Mawsoo‘ah al-Fiqhiyyah(30/127):
One of the rights of the wife over her husband is that he should keep her chaste by having intercourse with her. The majority of fuqaha’ – Hanafis, Maalikis and Hanbalis – are of the view that it is obligatory for the husband to have intercourse with his wife. End quote.
The scholars differed with regard to the limits within which the husband must have intercourse with his wife. The most correct opinion is that it should be in accordance with her need and his ability.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked about a man who does not have intercourse with his wife for one or two months; is there any sin on him or not? Is the husband required to do that?
He replied:
The man should have intercourse with his wife according to what is reasonable. It is the most important right that she has over him and is more important than providing her with food. It was said that obligatory intercourse is once every four months, or whatever is in accordance with her need and his ability, just as he should feed her according to her need and what he can afford. This is the more correct of the two scholarly opinions.
Majmoo‘ al-Fataawa, 32/271
Your husband may be suffering from some mental or physical illness and this may be what is causing him to refrain from intercourse or showing affection. You cannot be certain that this is not happening in his case, especially since you say that the shaykhs who have examined your situation think that he has been affected by the evil eye. It is not far-fetched to say that that the evil eye may be what has caused the change in his behaviour.
Dr. ‘Abdullah as-Sadhaan – who is a specialist in matters of ruqyah and whose doctoral thesis was entitledDiraasah Muqaarinah ‘an ar-Ruqyah ash-Shar‘iyyah(A Comparative Study of Ruqyah as prescribed in Islam) was asked:
Can the evil eye cause physical sickness or financial or social problems?
He replied:
Yes, the evil eye can cause a lack of healing from many physical problems and may even make them worse. It may also cause financial and marital problems, breakdown in relationships and a lot of calamities. How can it be otherwise, when the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Death among my ummah is mostly caused, after the will and decree of Allah, by the evil eye.” So whatever occurs of calamities that are less serious than death are more likely to be caused by the evil eye.
Majallat ad-Da‘wah, issue no. 2018, 15 Shawwaal 1426 AH/17 November 2005 CE
One of the duties of the righteous wife is to stand by her husband in such situations, because he is in the greatest need of someone to support him and help him in treating his disease until Allah decrees that he should be healed. If what has befallen him is caused by his material circumstances and social interactions, then you can win his heart by beautifying yourself for him, and treating him in a loving and kind manner, for you are his source of tranquillity. Allah has created between the spouses love and compassion that will make it easy for you to reach his heart and reduce the pressure that he is suffering because of his circumstances.
You should understand that the man is not like the woman; the woman can respond to her husband’s sexual needs in all circumstances unless she is sick, menstruating or bleeding following childbirth. But a man cannot do that unless he has energy and the desire for intercourse. Hence Islam does not oblige him to treat his wives (in the case of plural marriage) equally in terms of intercourse, because that depends on energy, desire and strength. For the same reason also there is a warning against refusing to share the marital bed on the part of the wife but not the husband.
With regard to your saying that you are afraid of falling into immoral actions, you should be patient and forbearing, and help your husband until Allah heals him. If you are not able to be patient then you have the right to ask for a divorce.
Your husband should hasten to seek treatment for himself; he should not hesitate to do so or be heedless or lazy about it. According to what you say, he is neglecting the rights of his wife and the wife has the right to be kept chaste. If he is able to do it then he should do so, otherwise he should divorce her and let her go in a good manner, if she cannot be patient during her husband’s illness.
In the answer to question no. 11359we have described how to protect oneself against the evil eye and to remedy the matter.
We think that it is best to refer your case to an Islamic judge (qaadi), because he will be able to establish the facts of your husband’s case and seek medical reports, after which he will be able to issue a verdict on matters of divorce and rights.
We advise you to be patient in putting up with the situation in which you find yourself and to support your husband during his illness and do your part to seek a remedy for it, whether that is with doctors or psychologists, or with trustworthy shaykhs, so that you can find out the cause of his problem, as he may indeed have been affected by the evil eye.
We ask Allah to set your affairs straight.
And Allah knows best.
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Kind Treatment of Spouses, - Dought & clear, - * Dealing With a Cheating Husband

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I have been hurt very badly; I have not been married for long but my husband started speaking to a woman from the past a few months after our marriage. I did not get to know him very well before marriage because I chose to follow the rules of Islam and not get to know my partner. My husband had intention of marrying another woman so he got to know her for a while before our marriage and before we met; that woman has now got in contact with him and they have been having conversations via e-mail and by phone. I discovered proof and I lost my temper as I loved my husband very much but now he said to me that he had feelings for her and he wanted to marry her but before we got married I had asked him if he wished to marry again and he said no very clearly and that he had no intention of going down that path. I feel like I've been cheated on and hurt. Now I cannot trust my husband and always think about how they must have interacted and how they must have made jokes and in their e-mail they talked about their past when they were talking which is haram (impermissible) unless you talk to a mehrem (close relative whom one cannot marry). He now promised he won’t get in contact with her and that he has ended it, but in my heart there is so much hurt and at times I cry and get depressed and feel like I am not enough for him. We have a child and at times I feel like I cannot live with him and that I don’t want to be with him because he has betrayed and used me and made me feel like we are ok when we were not. He always went to her to talk about his worries and emotions and not to me and I was pregnant at the time which makes me hurt even more. What is the punishment for a man when he does this to his pregnant wife? I want advice from you on how to take control of this situation in a halaal (lawful) way. I feel unhappy at times and like I’m stuck with someone who doesn’t love me or have feelings for me.
Praise be to Allah.
1.
What the man is doing of having a haraam (an unlawful) relationship with a woman who is not his mahram is a betrayal of the rights of Allah before it is a betrayal of the rights of his wife. The Muslim is bound by a covenant with his Lord, may He be exalted, and what he is required to do is to fulfil that covenant and not break it. Moreover, this is not what the individual is enjoined to do in response to the blessings that his Lord has bestowed upon him. Allah, may He be glorified, has blessed him with good health, well-being and a wife and children, either now or soon, in sha Allah. The way to show gratitude for these blessings is not to waste this good health and well-being in haraam relationships with non-mahram women, and the way to show gratitude for the blessing of the wife and children is not by neglecting them and breaking ties with them. Allah, may He be exalted, has promised to those who give thanks increased blessings and He warns those who are ungrateful for blessings of a severe punishment, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily! My Punishment is indeed severe”
[Ibraaheem 14:7].
2.
What appears to be the case in your situation with your husband is that you have a place in his heart; were it not for that he would have hastened to end the marital relationship between you after he found out that you are aware of his haraam relationship with that woman. This is something that should be used to put pressure on him to give up this sin and end that haraam relationship. We think that you should treat him very kindly and do not fall short in treating him kindly; you should also adorn yourself for him, wear your best clothes and create a pleasant atmosphere for him in the house, because he may be missing that altogether or in part. You should also advise him and admonish him, and warn him against continuing to commit haraam actions. You should explain to him what his punishment will be with Allah in the Hereafter, or in the Hereafter and this world; indeed you should warn him that Allah may punish him for such sin with regard to his family, as he may be tested with marriage to a woman, or with having a daughter, who does with men what he is doing with women – what will his reaction be in that case?
3.
We advise you not to let many people know about what your husband is doing, because the basic principle is to conceal sins that are unknown. What we want is that which will help mend his ways, not that which may be taken as a means to continue what he is doing of committing sin.
4.
Fill his time with useful and beneficial things, and do not leave him time when he is alone with his shaytaan! His daily schedule should be full, either with acts of worship such as upholding ties of kinship or attending Islamic study circles, or he should be busy with worldly matters that are beneficial and permissible, such as exercise.
5.
Offer a lot of du‘aa (supplication) for him to be guided and set straight, for the best weapon of the believer is du‘aa’. Strive hard to offer du‘aa’ in the last third of the night and when prostrating.
6.
Finally, if what is mentioned above does not succeed in putting a stop to that haraam relationship of his with that woman, then you have two options:
(i) you can advise him to marry her in accordance with the laws of Allah, may He be exalted, so as to save him and her from this haraam relationship, on condition that his relationship with her has not reached the level of zina (adultery) – Allah forbid – because it is not permissible to advise someone to do something that is haraam, as their getting married will not be permissible until after they repent (from zina).
(ii) Or you can ask for a divorce (talaaq), but start by threatening to ask for it, then if he remains as he is you have the right to seek a way out of the calamity you are faced with by asking for a divorce. The final resort in medical treatment is cautery, as it is said, and despite the pain of this cautery (divorce), it will give you a way out from the distress and anger you are feeling, and it will protect you and your children from the possibility of fitnah (tribulation) because of your husband’s misbehaviour and his haraam relationship, whether that protection has to do with your religious commitment, honour or health.
This is what we can give you by way of advice. May Allah guide your husband and set his affairs straight; we ask Allah to reconcile between you when he is adhering to righteousness and obedience towards Allah.
And Allah knows best.

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Kind Treatment of Spouses, - Dought & clear, - * He is not attracted to his wife and has not been near her for years, and he cannot take a second wife

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I have a major problem that is causing me great mental and physical pains and I pray you can advise me.
I have been married for nearly 8 years and of the last 4 years I have not had sexual intercourse with my wife.
In the past I have fulfiled my needs through actions that are not permited in Islam but in the last 2 years and with the guidance of Allah I have been guided to the right path.
I pray my salat 5 times a day and never miss my prayer.
The problem I have is that I am a very sexual person and I do not have any way of solving this problem. My wife is not interested in intimacy and I have no attraction to her. We do not even share the same bed.
I always think of getting divorced from her but for the sake of my children I stay with her. I live in a non-muslim country and for my daughter not to have a father figure would easily corrupt her.
I fear Allah and I do not want to go towards evil to solve my problems as I have done so in the past. I think of taking a second wife but I am not financialy capable of doing so. I do masturbate occasionaly when I can not control my urges but I feel great guilt and become depressed because of my actions. This is causing me great problems in my life and I have restless nights.
Praise be to Allah.
There is no doubt that what you have mentioned is a problem for which you must examine the causes and look for ways of dealing with it. It seems to us that the essence of the problem is clear from your saying, “My wife is not interested in intimacy and I have no attraction to her. We do not even share the same bed.”
How can two spouses live under the same roof for four years, without any intimacy taking place between them?
What problem in the marital relationship is clearer than that?
How can you not be attracted to her for this length of time?
How can the woman do without this natural need for this length of time, no matter how weak her libido is?
The first step in remedying the problem is for you both to understand that one of the aims and purposes of marriage is to attain chastity, fulfil desire, and establish tranquillity and love. With this behaviour you cannot establish a successful marital relationship.
You should both focus on seeking a remedy to this problem in an atmosphere of openness and mutual understanding. There is no shame in the husband telling his wife of his natural need for intimacy and finding out the reasons why she is not interested in him.
It is not only a matter of fulfilling your desires and needs; rather it is important to keep your wife chaste too, and you are responsible for that; the fact that you are not attracted to her does not absolve you of this responsibility.
The marital relationship is based on fulfilling rights and duties more than it is based on emotions and inclinations. If we assume that you do not feel attracted to your wife, you are still responsible for maintaining her chastity and you have to do address the issue of your not being attracted to her and her not being interested in you. Perhaps there are barriers preventing you becoming closer to one another, such as bad treatment, being too busy, or other reasons.
Moreover, this failing relationship that is devoid of connection and intimacy is surrounded by crises on all sides; indeed it is causing crises. It is essential to examine its effects on daily interaction, because that poses a threat to the children that cannot be ignored.
Our advice to you is to sit down with your wife, try to draw closer to her, and fear Allah, may He be exalted, with regard to her. You should both understand the wisdom behind marriage and its purposes, and correct your relationship with Allah, then He will set your affairs straight, for Allah has promised a good life to those who believe and do righteous deeds, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”
[an-Nahl 16:97].
So try hard to do something about these causes and you will find that things will fall into place, in sha Allah. We believe that if you sleep together in the same bed, that will close a great deal of the distance between you and will generate compassion and love between you.
And Allah knows best.

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