Bad relationships with Mothers in-law -II

We must feel for the mother in-law:Some mothers in-law have an
unintended and uncontrollable feeling of rejection and
resentmenttowards their daughters in-law. This could be caused by one
of the following three reasons:
First:The eldest son is a source of compassion and love which mothers
benefit from, especially at old age; therefore, they would not have
good feelings towards those whom they think would deprive them
fromsuch a source.
Second:The mother, who has spent her entire life raising and caring
for herchildren, finds it difficult to accept that the daughter
in-law, who has never shouldered such responsibilities, is able to
properly care for her son.
Third:The mother in-law could have different values, principles or
evenideologies from the daughter in-law.
When would the mother in-law be the wronged one?
Some mothers in-law suffer from grief and depression due to
differences and disputes with their daughters in-law. The daughter
in-law may treat her badly, neglect her, and even keep the
grandchildren away fromher; this is compounded when the mother in-law
is a widow and her children mean everything to her. Most mothers are
pleased by something as minor as a kind word being said to them; this
is because theyrequire special care, as their lives are empty due to
the loneliness they feel, which makes them think that they have no use
in life. Therefore, it isespecially important that their children are
merciful and understanding towards them; they should make them feel
important and involve them in certain matters and decisions, in order
to make them feel that their opinion is important, and that they are
valued and needed.
How can a wife win the pleasure of her mother in-law?
· By using kind wordswhen talking to them: Allaah Says )what
means(:"Have you not considered how Allaah presents an
example,]making[ a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly
fixed and its branches ]high[ in the sky? It produces fruit all the
time, by permission of its Lord. And Allaah presents examples forthe
people that perhaps they will be reminded."]Quran 14: 24-25[
· By obeying her and dealing with her as if sheis her own
daughter:`Aa'ishahreported thattheProphetsallallaahu'alayhi wa sallam
said:"Whenever forbearance is added to anything, it adorns it; and
whenever it is withdrawn from something, it leaves it
defective.'']Muslim[
· By gifting her:AbuHurayrahreported that the Messenger of
Allaahsaid:"Exchange gifts; you would thereby remove hatred towards
one another; andnever belittle any gift you give your neighbour, even
if it is)something as minor as( the hoof of a sheep."]At-Tirmithi[
· By treating her kindly, just as she would to her own mother:
She should have tolerance towards her mother in-law, especially during
the first months of the marriage, until she wins her pleasure and
therefore becomes one of those who are belovedto her mother in-law -
and this would make the entire family love her as well.
The wife should fear Allaah, lest she becomes acause for her husband
to be undutiful to his parents.
How can a mother win the pleasure of her daughter in-law?
Many mothers in-law treat their daughters in-law just as they treat
their own daughters, andare very supportive towards them and their new
life; this is because the daughter in-law is not only the wife of her
son, but is also the futuremother of her grandchildren, who are
usually dearer to the grandparents than their own children. On the
other hand, there are many cases where the new wife is regarded as the
personal property of the mother in-law, but why? In many traditions,
the wife is dealt with as the property of her husband, and since the
son is the property of his parents, then it follows that the ownership
of thewife is in the hands Of her in-laws, and this is a very
dangerous predicament.
The mother plays a very sensitive role in the life of her children; a
single incorrect move on her part could cause her children's lives to
turn into intolerable misery. On the other hand, an affectionate touch
from the mother could render her son's household into heaven. The
following are some things a motherin-law could do to win the pleasure
of her daughter in-law:
· Express joy upon seeing her: some mothersin-law show so much
happiness at seeing their daughters in-law that it causes the latter
to forgetabout all their problems.
· Treat her as her owndaughter: If she deals with her with a
motherly touch, the mother in-law would win the heart of her daughter
in-law. If her son were to ever wrong his wife, she would advise him
and encourage him to rectify all the problems that have occurred, as
well as to be kind to her. If the son is married to more than one
woman, his mother should treat themall similarly and love them
equally, exactly as she would treat her own daughters. If any dispute
takes place between her own daughter and her daughter in-law, she
should side with her daughter in-law and say to her daughter: "You
aremy own daughter, but she is a stranger who hasno one to support
her." This behaviour is exhibited by an ideal mother in-law, one who
fears Allaah and seeks to make her son's house a happy one, and who
seeks to strengthen the relationship between herand the daughter
in-law.
The man's personality is what governs the type of relation his mother
will have with his wife:The solution to the chronic problems between a
mother and her daughterin-law depends on the son's personality and how
wisely he deals withmatters, as well as how strong a personality he
has. The husband should make his wife understand that her respecting
his mother is an expression of her respect for him, and that her
having a good relationship with his mother will also reflect on her
relationship with him. The husband should always remember that the
right of the parents takes precedence over the right of the wife; as
Allaah Says )what means(:"And your Lord has decreed that you not
worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or
both of them reach oldage ]while[ with you, say not to them ]so much
as[:'uff' ]i.e., an expression of disapproval or irritation[ and do
not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the
wing of humility out of mercy and say: 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them
as they brought me up ]when I was[ small.' Your Lord is most knowing
of what is within yourselves. If you should be righteous ]in
intention[ – then indeed He is ever, to the often returning ]to Him[,
Forgiving."]Quran 17: 23-25[
AbuHurayrahreported that theProphetsallallaahu'alayhi wa sallam
said:"May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! -
He whose parents, one or both of them, attain old age during his
lifetime,but he does not enterParadise)by being dutiful to
them(."]Muslim[

Bad relationships with Mothers in-law -I

We often hear of problems that occur between women and their mothers
in-law. Thecommon conception among the masses is that the mother
in-law is an evil person. Regardless ofwhat she may do, or howkind she
may be to her daughter in-law, her description remains as such
-especially in the view of the daughter in-law.
Many daughters in-law have forgotten the fact that their mother in-law
was a mother before she became a mother in-law, and that the days will
pass, and eventually, theywill also become mothersin-law, perhaps to
suffer in the same regard.
There are many factors that contribute to the bitter relationship that
some women have with their mothers in-law; some of which, on the part
of the daughter in-law, are:
Lack of respect:Respect for others is a fine quality to possess; it is
never that it is practiced between people except that love and harmony
will engulf them. Islaam has commanded the young to show respect
towards their elders, and thus, respecting one's mother in-law is a
must; this is due to the fact that not only is she an elder, but also
because she was the reason for the daughter in-law's husband being
present in this world, as it was her that delivered him.
The daughter in-law must realise that she will eventually become a
mother, and if it is of a son, then he will eventually marry, and
shewill therefore become a mother in-law who would long for respect
from her daughter in-law. `Amribn Shu`aybnarrated on the authority of
his father that the Messenger of Allaahsaid:"He is not one of us who
shows no mercy to)our( younger ones, and does not acknowledge the
honour due to our elders."]At-Tirmithi & Abu Daawood[
Expressing enmity:There is another type of daughterin-law who deals
with her mother in-law, from day one, as if she is her worst enemy.
This could be due to the incorrect manner in which the daughter in-law
was brought up, or to the repeated warnings that her own mother gave
herregarding her future mother in-law before shegot married. Based on
this, the wife would exertall efforts to make her husband hate his
mother and brothers and sisters; she may even invent events that never
took place, or exaggerate in relating ones that did; she may
frequently make false accusations about her husband's mother and
brothers and sisters until she succeeds in forcing him to leave his
mother's house and live with her, alone. Such a life is a poisoned
one, and one which contains many problems.Haarithahibn Wahbreported:
"I heard the Messenger of Allaahsaying:"Shall I not inform you about
the inmates of Hell? They are every violent, disrespectful and proud
person.""]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[
The husband returns from work to see his evil wife crying, so he asks
her why, but she only continues crying, so that she will attain the
best effect. The husband insists on knowing why, so the wife finally
answers, in a very disrespectful tone: "It is either me or your
motherin this house!" The husband wants to know what the problem is:
"What happened?" he asks, but she begins crying again; the husband
asks again: "Please explain to me what happened." Finally, the wife
says: "Your mother badmouthed me, and then your sisters gathered
around me and insulted me." Due to the husband being enslaved to his
wife, he is enraged, and without even bothering to ascertain if his
wife's statement is true, he goesoff in a storm, and screams at his
mother and sisters; he forgets therank of his mother, and that Allaah
parallels respect of her to Islaamic monotheism when He Says )what
means(:"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and
to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old
age]while[ with you, say not to them ]so much as[: 'uff' ]i.e., an
expression of disapproval or irritation[ and do not repel them but
speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out
of mercy and say: 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up
]when I was[ small.'"]Quran 17: 23-24[ The Messenger of
Allaahsaid:"The pleasure of Allaah is in pleasing one's parents, and
His wrath is in displeasing them."
Severing ties:Some daughters in-law sever ties with their mothers
in-law and never visit, or even have anything to dowith them. Such
daughters in-law ruin their relationships with their mothers in-law.
Themother in-law is human, and would therefore wish that her daughter
in-law would treat her asa mother; she would not like being given the
cold shoulder; in some cases however, the daughter in-law is not evil,
but she may be unaware of someof the etiquettes of how to deal with
her mother in-law. The daughter in-law who severs ties with her mother
in-law causes her husband to abandon his mother and sever his ties
with her; thus, such a wife becomes the reason behind his
undutifulness towards his mother.
AbuHurayrahreported that the Messenger of Allaahsaid:"Allaah created
all )His( creation, and when He finished the task of His creation,
Ar-Rahm)i.e., ties with kinfolk( said: `)O Allaah(! At this place I
seek refugewith You from my ties being severed.' Allaah replied:
`Would you be content that I treat with kindness those who treat you
with kindness, and sever ties with those who sever your ties?' It
said: `I am satisfied.' So Allaah said: `Then this is
yours.`"]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[ Imaam Al-Qurtubisaid: "This is to
inform us that Allaah has granted these ties a high rank: that of one
who took refuge in Him and was granted it; and one who is taken into
the protection of Allaah will certainly never be forsaken."
AbuHurayrahreported that theProphetsallallaahu'alayhi wa sallam
said:"May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! -
He whose parents, one or both of them, attain old age during his
lifetime,but he does not enterParadise)by being dutiful to
them(."]Muslim[
On the other hand, the causes of the bad relationship can be on the
part of the mother in-law herself, such as:
Being harsh with the daughter in-law:Some mothers in-law are very
harsh towards their daughters in-law, and also encourage their sons to
treat their wives badly.AbuHurayrahreported: "I
heardAbuAl-Qaasim)i.e., the Prophet(say:"The miserable one is the only
one whose heart is deprived from mercy."]At-Tirmithi[
Being jealous of the daughter in-law:Why do some mothers in-law love
theirsons while despising their daughters in-law? Psychiatrists say
that this results from jealousy. It isnatural for women to be jealous,
but added to thisis the fact that the mother feels that this daughter
in-law has shared her son with her and taken him away from her
control; therefore, a competition arises. This is especially so if the
mother's only provider and supporter isthis son, because his role
could have been that of the father in taking care of the affairs of
the household and being his mother's protector, so the mother would
feel that she has lost such an important son to her daughter in-law.
Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life
with their wives; if the daughter in-law were to ever complain to her
about any problem that might occur with the son,she would never
support her; rather, she would side with her son, even if he was the
one at fault; moreover, she would humiliate his wife and may even beat
her. Sometimes, the wife could be doing all she can in order to please
themother in-law; she may speak kindly to her, give her gifts, and
treat her with respect, but, the mother in-law would always be
striving to create problems, as she feels that she would otherwise
lose her son.

Dought and clear, - Relationship of Sin and Attitude to Aqeedah.

Does falling into sin indicate that there is something wrong with
one's 'aqeedah (belief system)?
Praise be to Allaah.
Good attitudes - which are those that are obedience in and of
themselves or lead to obedience - are part of Islam, in fact they are
Islam. Allaah praised His Prophet Muhammad(peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) for being "on an exalted standard of character"
and Ibn 'Abbas interpretedkhuluq(translated here as "character") as
meaning Islam.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And verily, you (O Muhammad) are on an exalted (standard of) character"
[al-Qalam 68:4]
Ibn 'Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: You are on an
exalted standard of religion, which is Islam. Narrated by
al-Tabaraaniin hisTafseer(12/179).
The correct view is that character cannot be separated from religion.
Al-Fayroozabaadi said in his book Basaa'ir Dhawi'l-Tamyeez (2/568): It
should be noted that religion is all character. Whoever excels over
you in character will excel over you in religious commitment. End
quote.
Undoubtedly 'aqeedah (belief) has a strong connection to one's conduct
and character, negative or positive. That is clear from a number of
things, including the following:
1 - The Muslim who believes that Allaah can hear him and see him and
knows his secrets, and that belief is very strong in him, will be
affected by this and will not do anything that a person whose belief
in these matters is weak might do.
Among the evidence for this is the following:
(a)The verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"But if you do good and keep away from evil, verily, Allaah is Ever
Well-Acquainted with what you do"
[al-Nisa' 4:128]
(b)The verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to
Allaah, even though it beagainst yourselves, or your parents, or your
kin, be he rich or poor, Allaah is a Better Protector to both (than
you). So follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lestyou avoid justice;
and if you distort your witness or refuse to give it, verily, Allaah
is Ever Well-Acquainted with what you do"
[al-Nisa' 4:135]
(c)The verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"Verily, Allaah commandsthat you should render back the trusts to
those, to whom they are due; and that when you judge between men,
youjudge with justice. Verily, how excellent is the teaching which He
(Allaah) gives you! Truly, Allaah is Ever All-Hearer, All-Seer"
[al-Nisa' 4:58]
2 - The Muslim who believes in the promises and warnings of Allaah
will be motivated by thatbelief to do that which isbeloved to Allaah,
and tokeep away from everything that is hated by Him.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah(peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The most perfect of the
believers in faith is the one who is best in attitude." Narrated by
al-Tirmidhi (1162) and he said: it is hasan saheeh. Also narrated by
Abu Dawood (4682).
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It is well known that the most beloved of His creation to Him are the
believers, and if the most perfect of them in faith are those who are
best in attitude, then themost beloved to him are those who are best
in attitude, andkhuluq(character, attitude) is religion as Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):"And verily, you (O Muhammad) are on
an exalted (standard of) character" [al-Qalam 68:4]. Ibn 'Abbaas said:
On a high standard of religion. It was also interpreted thus by
Sufyaan ibn 'Uyaynah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and others, as we have
explained elsewhere.Al-Istiqaamah(p. 442).
Al-Mubaarakfoori (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: He said, "The
most perfect of the believers in faith is the one who is best in
attitude" because perfection of faith implies a good characterand good
treatment towards all people.
Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi(4/273).
3 - Strength of faith motivates one to do righteous deeds, and
prevents one from indulging in sin.
This is indicated by the following:
(a)It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "No adulterer is a believer at
the time when he is committing adultery; no thief is a believer at the
time when he is stealing;no drinker of wine is a believer at the time
when he is drinking it." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2334) and Muslim
(57).
(b)It was narrated from Abu Shurayh that the Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "By Allaah he does not believe,
by Allaah he does not believe, by Allaah he does not believe." It was
said: Who, O Messenger of Allaah? He said: "The onefrom whose harm his
neighbour is not safe." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5670).
(c)It was narrated from 'Abd-Allaah ibn 'Umar that the Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by an Ansaari
man who was exhorting his brother to be modest. The Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Let him be,
for modesty is part of faith."Narrated by al-Bukhaari (24) and Muslim
(36).
Maalik ibn Dinar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Faith starts in
the heart weak and feeble like a plant. If its owner takes care of it
and nourishes it with beneficial knowledge and righteous deeds, and
keeps away from it weeds and things that will make it weak, then soon
it will grow and increase and will develop roots and branches, and
will bear fruit and provide shade endlessly, until it becomes like a
mountain. But if its owner neglects it and does not take care of it, a
goat will come and eatit, or a child will come and take it, and the
weeds will grow and overshadow it and destroy it. The same applies to
faith.
Khaythamah ibn 'Abd al-Rahmaan said: Faith grows strong in fertile
soil and grows weak in arid soil. Its fertile soil is righteous deeds
and its arid soil is sin and disobedience. Quoted byIbn Taymiyah
inal-Eemaan, p. 213.
4 - By the will and decree of Allaah, faith prevents many bad
attitudes and sins against which Islam issues stern warnings, such as
getting angry, rending one's garment, tearing out one's hair and
wailing. Faith also calls a person to acquire the best of attitudes,
such as patience, acceptance and seeking reward. It was narrated that
Suhayb al-Roomi (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger
of Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "How
wonderful is the situation of the believer, for all his affairs are
good. If something good happens to him, he givesthanks for it and that
is good for him; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with
patience, and that is good for him. This does not apply to anyone but
the believer." Narrated by Muslim (2999).
InSunan Abi Dawood(4700) it says: 'Ubaadah ibn al-Saamit said to his
son: You will never taste the reality of faith until you understand
that whatever befalls you would never have missed you, and whatever
misses you would never have befallen you. I heard the Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: "The first
thing that Allaah created was the Pen, and he said to it: 'Write.'
It said: 'O Lord, what should I write?'
He said: 'Write the decrees of all things until the Hour begins.'"
O my son, I heard the Messenger of Allaah(peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) say: "Whoever dies believing in something other
than this does not belong to me." Classed as saheeh (authentic) by
al-Albaani.
5 - Islam urges us to do agreat deal of good deeds, confirming their
connection to belief in Allaah and the Last Day, and it forbids sins
and deeds that incur punishment by reminding us of belief inAllaah and
the Last Day.
This is indicated by the following:
(a)It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Whoever
believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his neighbour;
whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his guest;
whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him speak good or
else remain silent." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5672) and Muslim (47).
(b)It was narrated from 'Abd-Allah ibn 'Umar thatthe Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "It is notpermissible for a
womanwho believes in Allaah and the Last Day to travel for a distance
of three nights, unless she has a mahram (close male relative whom she
can never marry) with her." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1036)and Muslim
(1338).
(c)It was narrated that Umm Habeebah said: I heard the Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: "It is not
permissible for a womenwho believes in Allaah and the Last Day to
mourn for more than three days for anyone who dies, except for a
husband, four months and ten days." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1221) and
Muslim (1486).
6 -The Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) explained in
his Sunnah (propheticteachings) that false belief, such as
hypocrisy,leads to bad attitudes and bad deeds.
It was narrated from AbuHurayrah that the Prophet(peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: "The signs of the hypocrite are three:
when he speaks he lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it, and when
he isentrusted with something he betrays that trust." Narrated by
al-Bukhaari (33) and Muslim (59).
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:Those
who go against the people of hadeeth (ahl al-sunnah-followers of the
Prophet) are those who are likely to have bad deeds, either because of
corrupt beliefs and hypocrisy, or because of a sickness in the heart
and weakness of faith. Among them arethose who neglect obligatory
duties, transgress the limits, take rights and duties lightly and are
hard hearted, as is clear to everyone. Most of their Shaykhs are
accused of major sins even if there are among them some who are known
for asceticism and worship. The asceticism and worship of some of the
common folk of Ahl al-Sunnah are better than what they do.
It is well known that knowledge is the basis of action, and sound
roots produce sound branches. A man does not do evil actions except
for two reasons, either need or ignorance. The one who is aware of the
abhorrence of a thing that he has no need of will not do it, unless
his whims and desires have overpowered his reason and led him to
commit sin, which is another matter altogether.Majmoo'
al-Fataawa(4/53).
We ask Allaah to set all our affairs straight and to guide us to the
best ofwords, deeds and attitudes.
And Allaah knows best.

Dought and clear, - She is confused about the answer to a questionconcerning women talking to men.

regarding gender relations, you said: [[[" Conversation – whether
verbally or in writing – between men and women is permissible inand of
itself, but it may be a way of falling into the traps of the Shaytaan.
Whoever knows that he is somewhat weak, and is afraid that he may fall
into the traps of the Shaytaan, has to refrain from such
conversations, in order to save himself. Whoever is sure that he will
be able to remain steadfast, then we thinkthat it is permissible in
his case, but there are certain conditions: "]]] And Alhamdulillah, I
understand up until this part, but I became a little confused at the
next part: [[[" 1. The conversation should notbe allowed to wander too
far from the topic being discussed; or it should be for the purposes
of calling others to Islam. "]]] So my question regarding this is: In
Sharee'ah, what can be considered a permissable topic to discuss in
the first place?For example, we know that Islaam is a permissable
topic, but what other things can we discuss, if anything?.
Praise be to Allaah.
This has been discussed in the answer to question no. 1497where it says:
Speaking with a woman to whom one is not related (i.e., not mahram)
should only be for a specific need, such as asking a question, buying
or selling, asking about the head of the household, and so on. Such
conversations should be brief, with nothing doubtful in either what is
said or how it is said.
The idea of limiting speech with women to the five instances mentioned
in the question – which are: to ask how her family is, for medical
purposes, forfinancial purposes (e.g. in a shop), to find out about
her personality for marriage suitability and to give her dawah
(Islamic knowledge) – needs to be approached with caution, because
they could be taken as examples instead of limits. One must also
adhere to the conditionsset out by the Sharee'ah even in instances
where such conversations are necessary, such as in da'wah, giving
fatwas, buying or selling, etc. And Allaah knows best.
In the answer to question no. 1121it says:
Women are not prevented from talking to non-mahram men when it is
necessary to do so, such as dealing directly with them whenbuying
things or conducting any other financial transaction, because in such
cases it is necessary for both parties to speak. A woman may also ask
a scholar about some legalIslamic matter, or a man may ask a woman
such questions, as is proven in various texts of the Qur'aan and
Sunnah. Within the guidelines described above, there isnothing wrong
with a woman speaking to a non-mahram man. It is also permissible for
men to greet women with salaam and vice versa, according to the most
correct opinion, but this greeting must be free of anything that may
provoke desire in the person in whose heart isa disease, so as to be
safe from fitnah and payattention to the regulations outlined above.
If there is fear of fitnah being provoked by this greeting, then the
woman should refrain from either initiating or returning the greeting,
because warding off fitnah by neglecting the greeting is warding off
mischief, and warding off mischief takes precedence over doing
something useful. (See al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar'ah by 'Abd
al-Kareem Zaydaan, vol. 3/276). And Allaah knows best.
Thus it is known that we do not mean general talk for no need, or a
great deal of private talk. Rather it should be just as much as is
needed in order to reply.
Going into detail in permissible talk or in shar'i matters when there
is no need for that leads to removal of barriers between the two
parties, which may lead to negative consequences.
And Allaah knows best.