Bad relationships with Mothers in-law -I

We often hear of problems that occur between women and their mothers
in-law. Thecommon conception among the masses is that the mother
in-law is an evil person. Regardless ofwhat she may do, or howkind she
may be to her daughter in-law, her description remains as such
-especially in the view of the daughter in-law.
Many daughters in-law have forgotten the fact that their mother in-law
was a mother before she became a mother in-law, and that the days will
pass, and eventually, theywill also become mothersin-law, perhaps to
suffer in the same regard.
There are many factors that contribute to the bitter relationship that
some women have with their mothers in-law; some of which, on the part
of the daughter in-law, are:
Lack of respect:Respect for others is a fine quality to possess; it is
never that it is practiced between people except that love and harmony
will engulf them. Islaam has commanded the young to show respect
towards their elders, and thus, respecting one's mother in-law is a
must; this is due to the fact that not only is she an elder, but also
because she was the reason for the daughter in-law's husband being
present in this world, as it was her that delivered him.
The daughter in-law must realise that she will eventually become a
mother, and if it is of a son, then he will eventually marry, and
shewill therefore become a mother in-law who would long for respect
from her daughter in-law. `Amribn Shu`aybnarrated on the authority of
his father that the Messenger of Allaahsaid:"He is not one of us who
shows no mercy to)our( younger ones, and does not acknowledge the
honour due to our elders."]At-Tirmithi & Abu Daawood[
Expressing enmity:There is another type of daughterin-law who deals
with her mother in-law, from day one, as if she is her worst enemy.
This could be due to the incorrect manner in which the daughter in-law
was brought up, or to the repeated warnings that her own mother gave
herregarding her future mother in-law before shegot married. Based on
this, the wife would exertall efforts to make her husband hate his
mother and brothers and sisters; she may even invent events that never
took place, or exaggerate in relating ones that did; she may
frequently make false accusations about her husband's mother and
brothers and sisters until she succeeds in forcing him to leave his
mother's house and live with her, alone. Such a life is a poisoned
one, and one which contains many problems.Haarithahibn Wahbreported:
"I heard the Messenger of Allaahsaying:"Shall I not inform you about
the inmates of Hell? They are every violent, disrespectful and proud
person.""]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[
The husband returns from work to see his evil wife crying, so he asks
her why, but she only continues crying, so that she will attain the
best effect. The husband insists on knowing why, so the wife finally
answers, in a very disrespectful tone: "It is either me or your
motherin this house!" The husband wants to know what the problem is:
"What happened?" he asks, but she begins crying again; the husband
asks again: "Please explain to me what happened." Finally, the wife
says: "Your mother badmouthed me, and then your sisters gathered
around me and insulted me." Due to the husband being enslaved to his
wife, he is enraged, and without even bothering to ascertain if his
wife's statement is true, he goesoff in a storm, and screams at his
mother and sisters; he forgets therank of his mother, and that Allaah
parallels respect of her to Islaamic monotheism when He Says )what
means(:"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and
to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old
age]while[ with you, say not to them ]so much as[: 'uff' ]i.e., an
expression of disapproval or irritation[ and do not repel them but
speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out
of mercy and say: 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them as they brought me up
]when I was[ small.'"]Quran 17: 23-24[ The Messenger of
Allaahsaid:"The pleasure of Allaah is in pleasing one's parents, and
His wrath is in displeasing them."
Severing ties:Some daughters in-law sever ties with their mothers
in-law and never visit, or even have anything to dowith them. Such
daughters in-law ruin their relationships with their mothers in-law.
Themother in-law is human, and would therefore wish that her daughter
in-law would treat her asa mother; she would not like being given the
cold shoulder; in some cases however, the daughter in-law is not evil,
but she may be unaware of someof the etiquettes of how to deal with
her mother in-law. The daughter in-law who severs ties with her mother
in-law causes her husband to abandon his mother and sever his ties
with her; thus, such a wife becomes the reason behind his
undutifulness towards his mother.
AbuHurayrahreported that the Messenger of Allaahsaid:"Allaah created
all )His( creation, and when He finished the task of His creation,
Ar-Rahm)i.e., ties with kinfolk( said: `)O Allaah(! At this place I
seek refugewith You from my ties being severed.' Allaah replied:
`Would you be content that I treat with kindness those who treat you
with kindness, and sever ties with those who sever your ties?' It
said: `I am satisfied.' So Allaah said: `Then this is
yours.`"]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[ Imaam Al-Qurtubisaid: "This is to
inform us that Allaah has granted these ties a high rank: that of one
who took refuge in Him and was granted it; and one who is taken into
the protection of Allaah will certainly never be forsaken."
AbuHurayrahreported that theProphetsallallaahu'alayhi wa sallam
said:"May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! -
He whose parents, one or both of them, attain old age during his
lifetime,but he does not enterParadise)by being dutiful to
them(."]Muslim[
On the other hand, the causes of the bad relationship can be on the
part of the mother in-law herself, such as:
Being harsh with the daughter in-law:Some mothers in-law are very
harsh towards their daughters in-law, and also encourage their sons to
treat their wives badly.AbuHurayrahreported: "I
heardAbuAl-Qaasim)i.e., the Prophet(say:"The miserable one is the only
one whose heart is deprived from mercy."]At-Tirmithi[
Being jealous of the daughter in-law:Why do some mothers in-law love
theirsons while despising their daughters in-law? Psychiatrists say
that this results from jealousy. It isnatural for women to be jealous,
but added to thisis the fact that the mother feels that this daughter
in-law has shared her son with her and taken him away from her
control; therefore, a competition arises. This is especially so if the
mother's only provider and supporter isthis son, because his role
could have been that of the father in taking care of the affairs of
the household and being his mother's protector, so the mother would
feel that she has lost such an important son to her daughter in-law.
Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life
with their wives; if the daughter in-law were to ever complain to her
about any problem that might occur with the son,she would never
support her; rather, she would side with her son, even if he was the
one at fault; moreover, she would humiliate his wife and may even beat
her. Sometimes, the wife could be doing all she can in order to please
themother in-law; she may speak kindly to her, give her gifts, and
treat her with respect, but, the mother in-law would always be
striving to create problems, as she feels that she would otherwise
lose her son.