Bad relationships with Mothers in-law -II

We must feel for the mother in-law:Some mothers in-law have an
unintended and uncontrollable feeling of rejection and
resentmenttowards their daughters in-law. This could be caused by one
of the following three reasons:
First:The eldest son is a source of compassion and love which mothers
benefit from, especially at old age; therefore, they would not have
good feelings towards those whom they think would deprive them
fromsuch a source.
Second:The mother, who has spent her entire life raising and caring
for herchildren, finds it difficult to accept that the daughter
in-law, who has never shouldered such responsibilities, is able to
properly care for her son.
Third:The mother in-law could have different values, principles or
evenideologies from the daughter in-law.
When would the mother in-law be the wronged one?
Some mothers in-law suffer from grief and depression due to
differences and disputes with their daughters in-law. The daughter
in-law may treat her badly, neglect her, and even keep the
grandchildren away fromher; this is compounded when the mother in-law
is a widow and her children mean everything to her. Most mothers are
pleased by something as minor as a kind word being said to them; this
is because theyrequire special care, as their lives are empty due to
the loneliness they feel, which makes them think that they have no use
in life. Therefore, it isespecially important that their children are
merciful and understanding towards them; they should make them feel
important and involve them in certain matters and decisions, in order
to make them feel that their opinion is important, and that they are
valued and needed.
How can a wife win the pleasure of her mother in-law?
· By using kind wordswhen talking to them: Allaah Says )what
means(:"Have you not considered how Allaah presents an
example,]making[ a good word like a good tree, whose root is firmly
fixed and its branches ]high[ in the sky? It produces fruit all the
time, by permission of its Lord. And Allaah presents examples forthe
people that perhaps they will be reminded."]Quran 14: 24-25[
· By obeying her and dealing with her as if sheis her own
daughter:`Aa'ishahreported thattheProphetsallallaahu'alayhi wa sallam
said:"Whenever forbearance is added to anything, it adorns it; and
whenever it is withdrawn from something, it leaves it
defective.'']Muslim[
· By gifting her:AbuHurayrahreported that the Messenger of
Allaahsaid:"Exchange gifts; you would thereby remove hatred towards
one another; andnever belittle any gift you give your neighbour, even
if it is)something as minor as( the hoof of a sheep."]At-Tirmithi[
· By treating her kindly, just as she would to her own mother:
She should have tolerance towards her mother in-law, especially during
the first months of the marriage, until she wins her pleasure and
therefore becomes one of those who are belovedto her mother in-law -
and this would make the entire family love her as well.
The wife should fear Allaah, lest she becomes acause for her husband
to be undutiful to his parents.
How can a mother win the pleasure of her daughter in-law?
Many mothers in-law treat their daughters in-law just as they treat
their own daughters, andare very supportive towards them and their new
life; this is because the daughter in-law is not only the wife of her
son, but is also the futuremother of her grandchildren, who are
usually dearer to the grandparents than their own children. On the
other hand, there are many cases where the new wife is regarded as the
personal property of the mother in-law, but why? In many traditions,
the wife is dealt with as the property of her husband, and since the
son is the property of his parents, then it follows that the ownership
of thewife is in the hands Of her in-laws, and this is a very
dangerous predicament.
The mother plays a very sensitive role in the life of her children; a
single incorrect move on her part could cause her children's lives to
turn into intolerable misery. On the other hand, an affectionate touch
from the mother could render her son's household into heaven. The
following are some things a motherin-law could do to win the pleasure
of her daughter in-law:
· Express joy upon seeing her: some mothersin-law show so much
happiness at seeing their daughters in-law that it causes the latter
to forgetabout all their problems.
· Treat her as her owndaughter: If she deals with her with a
motherly touch, the mother in-law would win the heart of her daughter
in-law. If her son were to ever wrong his wife, she would advise him
and encourage him to rectify all the problems that have occurred, as
well as to be kind to her. If the son is married to more than one
woman, his mother should treat themall similarly and love them
equally, exactly as she would treat her own daughters. If any dispute
takes place between her own daughter and her daughter in-law, she
should side with her daughter in-law and say to her daughter: "You
aremy own daughter, but she is a stranger who hasno one to support
her." This behaviour is exhibited by an ideal mother in-law, one who
fears Allaah and seeks to make her son's house a happy one, and who
seeks to strengthen the relationship between herand the daughter
in-law.
The man's personality is what governs the type of relation his mother
will have with his wife:The solution to the chronic problems between a
mother and her daughterin-law depends on the son's personality and how
wisely he deals withmatters, as well as how strong a personality he
has. The husband should make his wife understand that her respecting
his mother is an expression of her respect for him, and that her
having a good relationship with his mother will also reflect on her
relationship with him. The husband should always remember that the
right of the parents takes precedence over the right of the wife; as
Allaah Says )what means(:"And your Lord has decreed that you not
worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or
both of them reach oldage ]while[ with you, say not to them ]so much
as[:'uff' ]i.e., an expression of disapproval or irritation[ and do
not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the
wing of humility out of mercy and say: 'My Lord! Have mercy upon them
as they brought me up ]when I was[ small.' Your Lord is most knowing
of what is within yourselves. If you should be righteous ]in
intention[ – then indeed He is ever, to the often returning ]to Him[,
Forgiving."]Quran 17: 23-25[
AbuHurayrahreported that theProphetsallallaahu'alayhi wa sallam
said:"May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! May he be disgraced! -
He whose parents, one or both of them, attain old age during his
lifetime,but he does not enterParadise)by being dutiful to
them(."]Muslim[