Marital Life, - Criteria for Choosing a Spouse

Religion
Among the many criteria in selecting a life partner, the foremost is
religion. Islam has established the importance of choosing a religious
wife for it is faith which protects a woman from committing anything
that is prohibited. A religious woman always keeps away from whatever
enrages Allaah The Almighty or dishonors her husband. On the other
hand, a corrupt woman, particularly one who takes extreme pride in her
beauty and wealth, does not adhere to the teachings of Islam and is
certainly prone to the devil's insinuations, who may trick her into
not adequately safeguarding her chastity or honor. Hence, Islam urges
men to prefer the religious woman and be meticulous in their search
for her in every Muslim household.
The Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, pointed out the decisive
factors on which basis people choose a wife and guided us to what the
best is in that regard, when he said:"A woman is married for four
things: her wealth, her noble ancestry, her beauty and her religion.
So win the religious woman; )otherwise( you will be a
loser."]Al-Bukhaari[ This stresses that if we overlook the religious
aspect and pursue only attractiveness, riches or noble lineage, we
would lose out, indicating we did not aim high enough.
The Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, even commanded us,
saying:"Do not marry women for their good looks, as their beauty might
destroy them; and do not marry them for their wealth as their riches
might lead them to be overbearing. Marry them for their religion; and
a black and unattractive maid who is religious, is better ]than them
both[."]Ibn Maajah[ Islam has not set a criterion that decides a
beauty queen, for even all men have not collectively agreed on the
beauty of a single woman. It has, however, stated that beauty in a
wife is indeed in the eye of her beholder husband. Hence, one must not
merely focus on a woman's looks, affluence or family, at the expense
of religion; indeed, as someone once said, beauty with an evil soul is
like a lantern on a Magi's grave.
However, if a pious woman also possesses good looks, wealth or a noble
lineage, then that is the most preferable, but even in that, religion
must be the decisive factor.
Our righteous predecessors were keen on selecting religious wives,
regardless of their looks and social or financial status. The
Commander of the Believers, 'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allaah be
pleased with him, was once so impressed by the pious daughter of a
woman who was a milk vendor, that he recommended his son 'Aasim, may
Allaah be pleased with him, to marry her. According to reliable
historians, 'Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, mentioned that had
he wanted to marry someone himself, it would have been her, as Imaam
Ibn Al-Jawzi, may Allaah have mercy upon him, narrates:"Ibn Zayd
narrated on the authority of the grandfather of Aslam that he said,
'Once I went with 'Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, while he was
on one of his night walks in Madeenah. He felt tired, so he leaned
against a wall and heard a woman telling her daughter to mix the milk
with water before selling it. The daughter told her that 'Umar, the
Commander of the believers, forbade that, but the mother insisted,
saying that she was in a place where 'Umar and his deputy could not
see her. However, the girl said, ']I swear[ by Allaah, I will not obey
him publicly and disobey him secretly.' The Commander of the
Believers, meanwhile, was hearing all this; he then looked at me and
instructed: 'O Aslam, mark this door.'' He continued on in his walk
and in the morning, he called me, and said, "O Aslam! Go to the house
that you marked and find out who the speakers were and see if there is
a man ]in the house[." I went there and discovered that they were an
unmarried girl and her mother, and that they lived together without
anyone else. I returned and told 'Umar, may Allaah be pleased with
him. He called his sons and said to them, "Does any of you need a
wife? Had your father been capable of getting married, he would have
hastened to marry this woman. I wish that one of you would marry her.'
So, 'Aasim said, "O father! As you know, I have no wife, so ]I
believe[ I am more entitled to marry her." 'Umar sent someone to
propose to the milk seller's daughter on behalf of his son and the two
soon married. The young woman gave birth to a daughter who later
married 'Abdul-'Azeez ibn Marawaan; and this girl gave birth to the
fifth Rightly-Guided Caliph, 'Umar ibn 'Abdul-'Azeez, may Allaah have
mercy upon him."
Hence, the fruit of this noble marriage was the birth of a Caliph, who
was unprecedented in his justice and asceticism, and in popularity
among his subjects.
As for the particular characteristics of a righteous marriage
prospect, the best of mankind, the Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa
sallam, said, in a Hadeeth on the authority of Ibn 'Abbaas, may Allaah
be pleased with him:"Would you like me to tell you about the best
treasure a man could have? ]She is[ a righteous woman, who pleases him
when he looks at her, preserves his honor when he is away from her and
acts in accordance with what he asks of her."In another Hadeeth on the
authority of Abu Umaamah, may Allaah be pleased with him, the
Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:"The best that benefits a
believer, after ]possessing[ the fear of Allaah The Almighty, is a
pious wife who minds what he bids her, pleases him when he looks at
her, helps him fulfill his oath and protects her chastity and his
property in his absence."]Ibn Maajah[
Such a righteous, religious woman certainly exists. If the father head
of the household is pious himself, his daughters will be chaste and
religious, too.
Morals
The second criterion in selecting a wife, which is closely tied to the
first, is that she must possess good morals. Indeed, a truly religious
woman would have a good character, as her faith would prevent her from
evil in speech, whether through hurtful words or gossip, and actions.
Having good morals is a basic characteristic when in looking for a
wife, as the wise man Luqmaan rightly advised his son:"O son! Seek
refuge with Allaah The Almighty from an immoral woman, as she would
age you before your time. O son! Ask Allaah The Almighty to protect
you from the evil of women and to grant you the best of them. Endeavor
to find a righteous woman, so you can be happy for life."
Virginity
While not a requirement per se, Islam urges a Muslim to marry a virgin
only because men naturally prefer a woman who has never been with
anyone else before. Knowing their nature, the Prophet,sallallaahu
'alayhi wa sallam, asked Jaabir ibn 'Abdullaah, may Allaah be pleased
with him, after his marriage to a non-virgin woman:"Why did you not
marry a virgin who would play with you and you would play with
her?"Jaabir, may Allaah be pleased with him, told the
Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, that it was only because his
father had died and left his young sisters in his care, and that an
older, mature woman would be more capable of taking care of the house.
There is no doubt that a bride who is a virgin devotes all her love to
the one man who chose her from among countless women; and indeed, the
first love is true love. Also, since a virgin does not have experience
with men, she will devote all her affection to the only man who
married her.
Fertility
Once again, as a matter of a better )and not only( choice, Islam urges
the Muslim to marry fertile women, who are free from any disease that
prevents pregnancy, as may be determined by pre-marital checkups and
through consultation with specialist doctors. Further, if a potential
bride's mother, relatives and married sisters have children, then, it
is most likely that she is genetically predisposed to bearing
offspring, as well.
The Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, forbade Muslims from
celibacy and ordered them to look for fertile women as spouses,
saying:"Marry affectionate and fertile women, as I will be proud of
your great number, among the Prophets on the Day of Judgment."]Abu
Daawood and An-Nasaa'i[ In another instance, a man came to the
Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, seeking his advice on whether
he should marry a woman who is beautiful but infertile. The
Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:"No."Then, he came to ask
the Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, a second time, and he
forbade him again. After he came a third time, he,sallallaahu 'alayhi
wa sallam, said,"Marry the affectionate and fertile women as I shall
outnumber people by you )on the Day of Judgment(."]Abu Daawood and
An-Nasaa'i[
Closeness in culture and age
Homogeneity in marriage, according to Islamic jurisprudence, is in
choosing a wife that is close to the man in age, culture and family
background. This is because due to similar standards, the harmony of
marital life may be maintained in a like-minded couple.
However, scholars have different opinions in this regard; some of them
say that this is necessary, basing their stance on some Hadeeth of the
Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, such as the one where he
said:"Choose for your semen )i.e., children(; marry suitable people
]to each other[ and get married to suitable partners."]Ibn Maajah[
However, some scholars disagree, saying this cannot stand as proof, as
all Muslims are competent for each other. There are Hadeeths that
support this opinion, such as the one narrated by Al-Bukhaari, may
Allaah have mercy upon him, in which Sahl, may Allaah be pleased with
him, relates that the Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallamasked them
about a man that passed by them. The people said:"He is worthy of
being accepted when he proposes for marriage, of his intercession
being given consideration and being listened to when he speaks." After
that, one of the poor Muslims passed by them and the
Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, asked them about him, whereupon
they remarked: "He is not worthy of being accepted when he proposes or
intercedes, or of being listened to when he speaks." The
Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, then stated:"The latter is
better than many men like the former", apparently on the basis of his
religion and morals.