Dought & clear, - Suffering From Psychological Problem: Fear of Marriage.

I want to marry. I wish I have a good wife to live with in happiness
and satisfaction, to have a loving relationship with, to pray at night
with, her to be my source of comfort and I be her shelter. I am a man
who lives with a big fear of marriage and women. I live in shyness and
timidity. I feel I need to marry for some time now, my parents are
persisting but I am too shy to say I want to marry. Although I feel
like I want to scream and say I want to marry.
I feel that I have made my shyness and doubts about my sexual
abilities a barrier between me and marriage. Yes, I would love to get
married. I do not know why I run away from marriage, is it because I
fear failing a lot or because I am not confident? I am a hesitant
person as for the matters of buying and selling. I grew up in a
conservative family; I rarely hear any talk about sex or even
references to it. Although I hear a lot how our relatives talk to
their sons about sex and make jokes, and the sons feel free to express
themselves about sex and marriage.
I fear a lot I fail sexually in my marital life; I even went to have a
fertility test, blood tests and other similar things. I do not know if
it is my fear of marriage or my desire to stay away from it. Some of
the investigations made me doubt myself even more, yet, I still feel
it is not the investigations that make me hesitant to marry, it is my
fear of it more than anything else. Every time I intend to talk to my
family about my marriage I feel terrified.
Since my childhood, to be honest, I have convinced myself that it is
impossible for me to marry, and that I will stay lonely until I die.
If anyone asks me about when I intend to marry, I immediately answer
saying: "in paradise". I feel that this has been imprinted onto my
subconscious.
I want to marry, by Allah I want to marry. My fear of women and
failing stays as a barrier between me and marriage. Also I cannot
imagine that I am having intercourse with a woman, I cannot imagine
that I am sleeping and travelling with a woman, all these matters stay
as barriers between me and marriage.
I encouraged myself some time ago and talked to my family, and they
engaged a girl to me and her family approved. But when the time to
meet her came, I felt big fear from the whole matter, and then said to
my family that I do not want to marry this girl.
I am over thirty years old now. I feel helpless although the hope is
there. I feel hesitant although I have a great desire to marry. I am
badly affected by my problem; I saw many psychiatrists complaining
from my great worry and depression. They all said to me I have to take
tablets, while they do not feel my suffering.
Except the last psychiatrist, he really put his hand on the root of
the problem, which is my great fear of women, marriage, failing, and
sex.
Please guide me. I need your advice and guidance. I want to destroy
these barriers between me and marriage. Any word, negative or
positive, will affect me a lot. I need who takes my hand to rest,
comfort and marital happiness.
Praise be to Allaah.
You may be certain that we understand your problem and feel your pain,
and that any Muslim in this world is our brother and what befalls him
affects us too. We feel his joy if he rejoices and we feel his sorrow
if he grieves. We will try to offer you a solution because we share
your pain, so that you may be rid of this problem quickly, in sha
Allaah.
You should realize that you are not the only one in this world who has
problems and suffers worries, anxiety and depression. Right now you
are facing a test from Allaah, and this test requires you to do some
things so that you may learn from it and emerge from this calamity
with many great benefits. These things include the following:
1 - Think positively of Allaah, for He has only decreed this thing for
you for a reason that is known to Him. He wants good for you so long
as you adhere to His commands and guidance, and obey His commands and
avoid overstepping His limits and falling into that which He has
forbidden. You do not know, perhaps this calamity has befallen you so
that Allaah might ward off thereby something that is even worse;
perhaps Allaah has warded off thereby some major sins and some
destructive calamity without you realizing. So think positively of
your Lord and believe that He will bring you forth from this calamity
as a hair is pulled out of dough.
2 - Trials require patience and seeking reward. Allaah has praised
those who are patient in His Book and has prepared for them a reward
like no other, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
"Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full,
without reckoning"
[39:10]
The Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also praised
patience and those who have the characteristic of patience. He said -
in a hadeeth (prophetic narration) whose authenticity is agreed upon -
as was narrated by Abu Sa'eed al-Khudri (may Allaah be pleased with
him): "...whoever is patient Allaah will bestow patience upon him, and
no one is ever given anything better and more generous than patience."
Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim .
So you have to be patient, for it is your provision at times of
calamity and times of ease.
3 - Medical doctors say that diagnosis is two-thirds of the cure. From
examining what you say about your situation in your question, it is
clear that your problem is neither physical nor psychological,
something that can be treated by a psychologist; rather it is
persistent waswaas (satanic whispers) that is affecting you in an
important aspect of your life. Waswaas is a serious disease, which if
it takes hold of a person may lead to his doom and may put some people
beyond the pale of Islam - we ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound.
But, praise be to Allaah, your waswaas does not have to do with
'aqeedah (creed) or basic matters of Islam, or with acts of worship or
the pillars of Islam, rather it has to do with your hesitation to get
married and in buying and selling, as you say. Although this seems to
you to be a big issue, it is in fact minor, if you compare it to the
waswaas experienced by other people about tahaarah (purification). For
some people may do ghusl (bath) several times, after which they are
not certain that they are now in a state of purity, or they may do
wudoo' (ablution) more than ten times and still not be certain that
they have wudoo'. Perhaps a person catches up with the opening takbeer
(of prayer) with the imam but he misses the first rak'ah (unit of
prayer)because he is trying to do the opening takbeer (Allahu Akbar),
then he completes his prayer and does not know whether he has done it
or not. Praise be to Allaah, no such thing is happening with you.
Hence your cure will be achieved in the following steps, in sha Allaah.
1 - You should understand that waswaas comes from the Shaytaan, and in
fact Allaah calls the shaytaan the waswaas (the whisperer) in Soorat
al-Naas, as is well known. This means that you have to declare war on
the shaytaan and remember that he is the one who started it with you
and that he is the one who transgressed against you and tricked you
and wanted to deny you your rights, so do not turn your back to him or
show him your weakness, for he is weak and defeated, and withdraw
easily. So be of good cheer, and be certain that you can overcome him
so long as you are with Allaah. Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):
"... hold fast to Allaah [i.e. have confidence in Allaah, and depend
upon Him in all your affairs]. He is your Mawla (Patron, Lord), what
an Excellent Mawla (Patron, Lord) and what an Excellent Helper!"
[22:78]
2 - You should read Soorat al-Baqarah a great deal, and complete it
every three nights, and if you do that while praying qiyaam al-layl
that is better. It is proven that our Prophet(peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: "Read the Qur'aan, for it will come on the
Day of Resurrection interceding for its companions. Read the two
bright ones, al-Baqarah and Soorat Aal 'Imraan, for they will come on
the Day of Resurrection like two clouds or shadows, or like two flocks
of birds in ranks, pleading on behalf of their companions. Read Soorat
al-Baqarah for reciting it regularly is a blessing and forsaking it is
a loss, and the magicians cannot withstand it." Narrated by Muslim.
The devils cannot bear to hear Soorat al-Baqarah; they flee from it
and weaken before the one who recites it, and they are afraid of it.
It is proven in a hadeeth that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased
with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) said: "Do not make your houses into graves, for the
Shaytaan flees from a house in which Soorat al-Baqarah is recited."
Narrated by Muslim (780).
3 - Always recite the dhikrs for various occasions, such as the dhikrs
for morning and evening, the dhikrs for going to sleep, entering the
mosque or the home, entering and leaving the wash-room, dhikrs for
eating, drinking and putting on clothes, and so on, for in all of them
there is a great benefit for you and they will prevent the shaytaan
from reaching you.
4 - Say a lot of du'aa'. Turning to your Lord with du'aa' will bring
you relief and deliver you from this trial. You should seek out for
that the times when du'aa's are likely to be answered, and allocate a
time for du'aa' every night during the last third of the night, in the
last part of the day on Friday, and following the prescribed prayers.
Pray for everyone who is afflicted with calamity for the angels say
ameen to your du'aa' and say "May you have likewise." Pray a great
deal for forgiveness and repent to Allaah, for Allaah has promised a
great deal of good to the one who prays for forgiveness. Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):
"I said (to them): 'Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft-Forgiving;
'He will send rain to you in abundance,
'And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you
gardens and bestow on you rivers.'"
[71:10-12]
5 - In all of that it is essential for you to do your utmost to ward
off the waswaas and treat yourself by convincing yourself that you are
normal and that you do not have a problem; you should ward off all
thought that may weaken you. You should remember that all of this
stems from one source, which is the waswaas, and overcoming it is
easy, by Allaah's Leave.
6 - Seek the help of Allaah and go ahead and get married. Seek the
help of your family and sincere friends to do that. We know -
personally - someone who had the same problem, whose situation was
exactly the same as yours, or worse. Then some of his brothers and
sincere friends forced him to get married, after they had made sure
that he was not suffering from a physical problem. Then Allaah helped
him and relieved his distress, and his marriage became normal like
anyone else's.
7 - There is nothing wrong with consulting a psychologist and using
some psychological treatments that may help in this case, because
waswaas is also a kind of mental illness that is well known to the
specialists. So there is nothing wrong with combining the remedies
that we have referred to above with psychological treatment.
I ask Allaah the Almighty, Lord of the Mighty Throne, to heal you, and
to hasten your relief and bring you happiness, for He is All-Hearing
and Ever Near.
And Allaah knows best.