Story, - It is lying on my conscience

Hello,
I frequently read your stories and I decided I can write mine, too. I
willstart by saying that I had a great childhood, but from a certain
point I started seeing inappropriate people.
When I was 19, my mother told me that she and her husband are not my
real parents, that theyhave adopted me. I couldn't stand it, was it
because I was in puberty,I don't know. I told them I hate and despise
them and moved to live in another town.
I didn't endure long and after three months I wentback. I have met a
man… accidentally… we went for a coffee, talked for 3 hours, and I
left with himfor Varna. It was the mostamazing evening I've ever had…
but he was married. Nevertheless, our relationship lasted about two
years. I loved him very much, bud I hadno future with him… he was
married.
20 days before my birthday I realized that I was pregnant… false
pregnancy… I was in the forth month. He made meget rid of the baby. I
was afraid, how would I go there… lie there… and what is more, my
mother was working in the same hospital and everyone knew me. Christ,
if she finds out – she will kill me, but I don't give a damn.
I didn't think much of my mother, I don't know why... I just didn't
love them… I still don't, I only respect them, I don't know why.
Anyway, I did the abortion, and the above-mentioned man did not even
appear... did not even call to see how I was. I decided that all this
will have to end… but he didn't want to. He told me he loved me, thatI
was his thrill and so on. For the first time in my life I saw a crying
man, and it was over me. I am a good person, I care a lot for my
friends, if I have friends at all… but I respect them.
I have helped so many people… familiar and strangers. So when I broke
up with this man I met my best friend… She knows everything about me
and I know everything about her, but even for her, now I can hardly
say she is a friend… why is that so?
Because of her I was being forced to become aprostitute, I was raped
twice… they kidnapped me and what not. I have had lots of men… I am
not a beauty queen, but Iguess I attract men in some way. There was a
time in my life when I didn't care who I would go to bed with, only if
hewas a bit cute… that lasted for 3 years.
One day my life turned upside down. My friend had a small business… I
used to spend almost all my time with her… One day two men
approachedus… one of them smiling… it seemed he knew V~(my friend's
name). He looked at me and smiled. I only asked V~ who is he? She
didn't answer… they started talking… and suddenly hesaid – aren't you
going tointroduce me to this wonderful lady… he meant me. I pretended
not to be there… BecauseI hate arrogant men… so Iact inaccessible… we
were introduced, but I didn't even make eye contact. He said – look me
in the eyes, but I said:no, I only look a person in the eyes when I'm
lying:)))) Inaccessible… phew. And he was really handsome, with big
green eyes… amazing:))) He and V~ agreed to meet on the next day for
coffee… but he said… only if your friend comes along, otherwise no.
And… I had the feeling that… I don't know exactly what this feeling
was, but I couldn't wait to see him again. I didn't want V~ to find
out, so I didn't know what to do. She simply said: S~ (his name) likes
you very much. Yes, of course, we all know these things… just to get
you in his bed and then you suddenly stop being pretty… but still I
wanted to see him. Next day he called her and we decided to meet in a
coffee place. My feelings were mixed, I wanted to go and still, I
didn't. We went, of course, my curiosity to see what will happen took
over me. We met at the coffee place… and he started talking to me… I
was pretending that I'm not listening… until we drank 3 or 4
cocktails… That same night I slept with him… it was great… he left me
in front of my place and said: I need to go to Sofia to get some
documents in order and when I come back I will call you. But nothing
happened… a month passed, then a month and a half, he didn't show up
and I already missed him… I had the feeling that I knew this guy for
ages, that we have always been together, but I had no news from him
and knewnothing at all. One day V~called me and said that S~ called
his friends last night to ask for my phone number… they met me and I
gave it to them, you are not angry with me, are you? I told her no…
next day I was starting a new job and I had to get up early… I
switched on my phone and I received a text message: I had to leave for
England, I am sorry about that, if you want me to call you just text
me, kissing you. I was outof myself with happiness,I wanted to shout
as loudas I can. Of course I wanted to hear his voice,to find out why
things turned out that way… And so… A year of telephone love went by.
Iwas on the phone with him every other day for 2hours, one whole year.
And then came the moment when he was coming back for a while… He
wanted me to go to Sofia and meet him, he was in Bulgaria for 2 months
and it was the best summer I've everhad, but then he had to go back
again. In the meantime I also applied for an English visa. When he was
leaving it was likesomething broke inside of me. I wasn't sure whether
I was going to obtain a visa, but he said:if it doesn't work, I am
giving you some homework… to think if you want to marry me. My God, I
didn't know what to say, I only smiled.So he left and I was without
him for 2 months… and I cheated on him… 3 times. I don't know why… it
wasn't fairto him. He was so good to me and I, the fool, cheated on
him.
I am now with him in England. We have been living together for a
year,but this lies on my conscience. I want to confess, but I am sure
it would be the end. I have one more problem. I was pregnant from him,
but I got rid of the baby… he doesn't know about that either… too many
lies and I can't live with themanymore.
I don't know, I want to tell him, but whenever I think it is the right
time…I get scared. I started treating him bad, we fight all the time.
Of course, it is all my fault. A week ago we even wanted to end our
relationship, because he said that he can't stand it any more, the way
I treat him… oh, I really don't know how exactly.
Please, tell me what to do… I am sorry, I probably bored you, but at
least I feel better now.