Living in Kindness - III

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- The husband's right over his wife
The wise wife:
The wise wife is the one who helps her husband conquer his own
shortcomings by reminding him of Allaah The Almighty so that their
marital happiness lasts.The wives of the Companions used to tell their
husbands whenthey went out for work, "Fear Allaah The Almighty and
stay away from illicit gain."
• Mutual respect
It is a truly great blessing if mutual respect always prevails between
the spouses.
The wife should respect her husband, realize that he is in charge of
her, and must not try to change that fact. She should know that he is
the master of thefamily, its guardian, and the one in charge.
How great was the example of Umm Haani' . When the Prophet proposed to
her, she refused as she had children and was afraid that she might not
be able to fulfill her duties as a mother and a wife.
• Be an earth for him and he will be your sky:
Dear sister, read the advice that was given by Asmaa' bint Khaarijah,
the wife of 'Awf Ash-Shaybaani, to her daughter before her marriage.
This advice is comprehensive as it combines the basics of the marital
life and the morals that every girl should acquire before getting
married.
Asmaa' told her daughter,
"O daughter! If advice should not be offered to the well-mannered, I
would not advise you, but it is a reminder for the oblivious and anaid
to those who are sensible. O daughter! If any woman were to dispense
with having a husband, you would be the most worthy one of that, but
women were created for men and men were also created for women.
O daughter! You will leave the house where you grew up to live with a
man whom you do not know, so be an earth for him andhe will be your
sky. Be a resting place for him and he will be your pillar; be his
bondmaid and he will be your slave and apply the following ten tips so
that he would be a supportive husband:
• Be modest, contented and obedient.
• Be watchful of his nose and his eye so he will smell nothing fromyou
but that which is sweet and look at nothing but that which is
beautiful.
• Be careful of the timings of his sleep and food as being hungry or
sleepy makes him angry.
• Be careful with his money and take good care of your children.
• Do not disobey his orders or reveal his secrets as disobeying him
would arouse his anger and revealing his secrets would make him plot
against you.
• Avoid being happy when he is sad or being sad when he is happy.
• Respect him as much as you can so that he would honor you as much as he can.
• Agree with him as much as possible and he will accompany you
constantly and be sure that you will not attain what you aspire until
you have put his satisfaction before yours and his wishes before
yours, and Allaah The Almighty choose for you."
Every wise mother should advise her daughter in the same way and give
her the same valuable advice that includes all the rights of the
husband!
The rights of the husband over his wife
First: Obeying him according to what is reasonable
What is reasonable is what was approved by Sharee'ah (Islamic
legislation). The wife should obeyher husband in matters that Allaah
The Almighty does not forbid. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means):
• {And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them,
according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them
[in responsibility and authority]. And Allaah is exalted in Might and
Wise.} [Quran 2:228]
• {Men are in charge of women by[right of] what Allaah Has Given one
over the other and what theyspend [for maintenance] from their
wealth.} [Quran 4:34]
Disobeying the husband incurs the anger of Allaah The Almighty and His
curse. Abu Hurayrah narrated that the Prophet said: "If a husband
calls his wife to his bed and she refuses causing him to sleep in
anger, the angels will curse her untill morning." [Al-Bukhaari and
Muslim]
Ibn Al-Jawzi said, "Any sensible wife should, when she finds a
suitable husband, endeavor to satisfy him and avoidanything that
annoys him. If she annoys him or does what he dislikes, he will be
bored and mayfind a good chance to leave her or prefer to be in anyone
else's company leaving her all alone. It is well-known that any person
can feel bored, so when a man is not that happy, it would be
moreprobable that he would feel bored."
Second: To stay at home and not go out without the husband's permission
Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And abide in your houses and
do not display yourselves as [was] the display of the former times of
ignorance.} [Quran 33:33] This verse was for the wives of the Prophet
but it is considered guidance for the rest of the women of the Ummahto
follow their example.
Third: Preserving his honor and wealth
The Prophet said: "The wife is a caretaker at her husband's home and
she will be held responsible for what she is in charge of."
[Al-Bukhaari]
Fourth: Cooking and housekeeping
The proof that a wife is required to serve the husband is what
wasmentioned by Ibn Al-Qayyim in his book, Zaad Al-Ma'aad. He said,
"When 'Ali and Faatimah complained to the Prophet hedivided the
responsibilities between them. He assigned the housework to Faatimah
and the outdoor work to 'Ali ."
Fifth: Adornment for the husband
Jaabir said, "Once, we were with the Prophet coming back from one of
the battles. When we were about to enter Al-Madeenah, he said: 'Wait
so that you may enter at night so that the woman of unkempt hair may
comb her hair and the one whose husband has been absent may shave her
pubic hair." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
Sixth: Respecting the husband's feelings
You should avoid any saying, deed, or act that may hurt your husband.
You should consider hissocial and financial status.
Seventh: Keeping the husband's secrets
This is one of the mutual rights for both the husband and wife.
Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {So righteous women aredevoutly
obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allaah would have
them guard.} [Quran 4:34] Some scholars said that this verse means the
womenwho keep the secrets that shouldbe kept. The Prophet said: "The
most wicked of people on the Day of Judgment is a man who goes in unto
a woman (i.e. his wife) and she goes in unto him, and then he divulges
her secret." [Muslim]
A reminder
Dear sister, remember that the Prophet said: "I was shown Hell-fire
and the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It
was asked, 'Do they disbelieve in Allaah?' (or are they ungrateful to
Allaah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are
ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to
them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and
then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I
have never received any good from you.'" [Al-Bukhaari]
Be tactful
Tactfulness simply means to say asuitable word and to react
intelligently. In other words, an articulate, tactful wife is one
whosays the proper words according to the situation and who has the
ability to win the situation.
Here is a famous incident where awoman acted tactfully:
Once, Khaalid ibn Yazeed ibn Mu'aawiyah, disputed with 'Abdullaah ibn
Az-Zubayr, the rivalof Banu Umayyah, and called him a 'miser'. His
wife, Ramlah Bint Az-Zubayr, the sister of 'Abdullaah ibn Az-Zubayr,
was sitting nearby, but she did not say a word. Khaalid asked her,
"Why do you not speak? Does thisindicate that you agree with what I
say or you disdain to reply?" She said, "Neither this northat, but
women were not created to interfere between men. Women are flowers who
can just be smelled and embraced." He admired her reply and was amazed
at her sensibility.
Dear sister,
Avoid characteristics that your husband hates and be keen on
respecting and revering him. In Ibn Al-Jawzi's interpretation of the
verse (what means): {But the men have a degree over them [in
responsibility and authority]}, he quoted Sa'eed ibn Al-Musayyib's
daughter who said, "We used to speak to our husbands inthe same manner
in which you speak to your princes."
Would you follow the example of the daughter of Sa'eed ibn Al-Musayyib ?
Ibn Al-Jawzi said, "A wife should be patient regarding the harm of her
husband just as a slave is patient with his master's harm."
Some of the Arabs said, "Do not marry any of these six types of women:
The oft-complaining, theoft-boasting about the favors shehas done, the
one who would wish to be married to another man, the one who desires
everything sees, the one who is fussy about her appearance, and the
one who is talkative."
'Abdullaah ibn Ja'far said to his daughter, "O daughter! Be wary of
jealousy as it is the key todivorce and avoid reproaching as it causes
hatred."
Three things can undermine a woman: love for money, selfishness, and
love for authority; whereas three matterscan elevate her: sacrificing,
loyalty and virtue.
Once, a man asked Al-Hasan "To whom would you marry your daughters?"
He said, "To the one who fears Allaah The Almighty; if he loves her,
he will honor her and if he hate her, he would not do her wrong."