I love my husband but he wont find a job and I’m having trouble conceiving

I am a 29 year old Muslim sister facing difficulties in my marriage
life. I really love and care for my husband and I am always trying to
make him happy but a lot of times I feel that he isn't trying hard
enough to make me happy. First of all, I know that marriage is a
commitment between husband and wife, where each person listens and
respects each other's thoughts and feelings. A lot of times, I try out
of my way to give my husband all the support heneeds, but I admit,
some times out of frustration I have said hurtful things tohim because
of his behavior.
I feel a lot of times he triesto order me around and he even said that
if I did everything he says immediately, he would know that I really
love him. I feel that his thinking of what love is, isn't correct. He
has to understand that ordering me around isn't the way to talk to
one's spouse, and if he needs something, it should be said kindly and
sincerely. I am not his slave, but his wife. If he needs anything,I
would gladly do it for him, but I will not be talked down to like I am
under him or something.
My therapist (who is American) believes that what he is thinking is
cultural since I was born inAmerica and he was born in South Asia, but
I feel it is not really Islamic thinking. Even though I was born in
America, I have maintained my Islamic identity, and have avoided a lot
of things I feel in America are not in tune with Islam.
In addition, my husband puts his relatives and friends way above me. I
have no problem with himcalling his relatives and friends because it
is good to keep in contact with others, but he seems to put them WAY
above me. Ifeel like he ignores me and is more interested in being
with other people inhis life.
Also, I feel I cannot share any of my feelings with him without him
getting angry. One time, I was crying about how hurt I felt when one
of my cousins did something wrong with me, and he immediately got
angry with me and said that I always find fault with others and that I
don't likeanyone. What he is saying isn't true. I like to maintain my
family relations, but they are not more important to me than my
husband. I felt that I would get some emotional support from him, but
instead, it leads to a BIG fight and then we both say bad things to
each other.
I feel like he feels very strongly about family relations more than he
feels strongly about me. He gets mad when anything is said against
other people, like they are so important to him. I really don't
understand this thinking. He even tried to pack his suit case and
leave from the house when I tried to express myfeelings about
something that was troubling me about someone else. He said that if he
had any relatives living nearby, he would go and live with them and
leave me and this hurt me so much because he feels like they are more
important than me.
I don't know what to do. I understand he is new to America (he's only
been in this country for 7 months),but we are constantly arguing and
fighting about little things. In terms of him finding a job,that has
been a source of great difficultly in our marriage. I am doing
everything for him, but he is doing nothing. He speaks English very
well and even Americans compliment his English, but he has no
confidence in his abilities. He speaks so many languages too and he
had a good job before. However, it seems like he is scared to take the
initiative to apply for ajob. I am filling out all his job
applications and doingeverything for him! He even said to me that I am
responsible for him finding a job because he isnew to this country and
doesn't know anything. Is that fair what he is saying? I don't think
any wife has the responsibility to find a job for her husband. He has
to do thathimself!
Then he constantly gets depressed because he isn'tgetting any job
offers, but he is scared to talk on the phone to the manager or
whoever is hiring for the jobs he applies to, to market himself. He
seems to have absolutely no confidence. In fact, he received a
voicemail on hiscell phone for a job interview, and I had to callthe
company for him. Then when I gave him the phone and told him to leave
a message stating that he received their message and would be
interested in setting up aninterview, he got mad at me and hung up the
phone and started yelling at me about why I gave him the phone to
leave a message. How will anyonegive him a job if he is afraid to
speak for himself?

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Confused about my position in a happy marriage with a stingy husband

I am a completely devotedhousewife and stay at home mum of 2 kids. My
husband works 8-10 hoursa day, and when he comeshome I make sure he
has all the comforts and peaceof mind available plus hot food and a
cheerful atmosphere.
He earns roughly$3500-$4000 per month mashAllah, and we have a
comfortable house we are renting, and maintaining our own cars. From
his salary, he gives me $600 to run the household expenses which
includes all the energy bills, utilities, groceries and childrens
school dinners/sandwiches.
By the end of the month, every single penny has been used up for milk
and bread etc. I never get a single cent to spend on myself. My
parents give me $100 every month, and that too is spent on the bills
and groceries. I never ever have money to buy myself anything. Even to
buy things for the children I have to ask him over and over again to
either give me money or take us shopping on his days off, for even
basic things like school uniforms.
I have been shivering in the cold and do not have decent coat. he does
not give it any importance. I do not even have the stamina left to
tell him things I need. I buy the most economical clothes and shoes
for the children.More often it is my parentswho are buying things for
me and my children like clothes on Eid and children's seasonal
clothes.
He says we are saving up to buy a house, which I totally agree with as
we are renting at the moment. But when it comes to him spending, there
are no limits. He will book foreign trips for us, hold lavish dinners
for friends, spend whole heartedly on anything he wants to buy for the
house. But in my case, I have been constantly reminding him we need
curtains for the house, even cheap flimsy ones would do but the sun is
very disturbing sometimes, and there is no privacy even though our
house is in quite an isolated place.
I started working to fulfill my own desires, such as buying books for
my children which they love reading, sometimes my niece too who I love
dearly. My sister is not well to do, and I like to treat her to nice
things sometimes.
But unfortunately, when I started working, even though part time, my
whole household system got disturbed. Every evening I was totally
tired by the time I got home, lacking energy to give my family any
quality time at all, as I was always burdened with responsibilities ie
cooking, washing up, laundry, ironing, preparing for nextday.
Sometimes I had to stay back a bit longer due to work committments (I
am a teacher), late parents, or talking to parents, or after school
meetings and plannings , which angered my husband. He thought I
wastaking my job too seriously, whereas I was brought up in an
environment where we were taught to do everything we did with full
committment and sincerity.
As a wife, do I deserve some pocket money for myself from my husband,
knowing full well he can afford it. He hates spending money on me.
In15 years of marriage he has never bought me any presents, clothes or
Eid clothes.
My parents, God bless them end up taking care of everything. I have
told them very clearly that they should not do it anymore. He needs to
realize. But he does not give such things any importance. If I want to
buy a coat, he will say to me, Summer is approaching, you are only
wasting money. I am a hypothyroid patient, and cannot tolerate cold,
so I go out with 3-4 layers of clothes and the a skimpy jacket which I
ordered online because I seemed so odd in the cold wind standing there
in the childrens school without a coat.
I know he loves me in many other ways, he is very very dependant on me
emotionally, wants meto be around all the time, and worries if I get
angry, or cry. I just dont know how to deal with this. Our intimate
relations are perfect, we have a fabulous life Alhamdolillah, just
that I dont know if I should be getting more money from him
I have even told him the other day that I dont wantus to buy a house.
We will live in rented accomodation for as long as we have to.
His family is quite caring, and used to look after me well when they
took me as a daughter in law. My husband seperated me from them as he
wanted complete control over me and brought me to the states.
Sometimes I think he is punishing me. His parents, just like mine are
comfortably well off, but we do not recieve any help from them, which
to be honest we don't need as Alhamdolillah my husband is earning well
enough. But where do I stand?
PS: I have sat down with him on numerous occassions to explain how
much I spend and how much I need.

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Could I take off my hijab when I am around my relatives?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half now,
he is from Saudi Arabia and he is Muslim. I have been reading up on
the Muslim religion and I think when women wear hijaab that its to
keep other men away from temptation. Its stated " women should cover
the specified areas of their bodies which may arouse sexual desire in
others (see Qur'an {7:26;} 33:59). I also found that indeed, many
Muslim women consider the head scarf a form of feminist expression,
because it forces people to judge them by their character rather than
their looks.
This is true I have had many Muslim women as friends, anyways back to
my point, my boyfriend has brought it up a couple times that he would
like me to convert to Muslim. The religion is not too much different
from my Christian religion and I think possibly converting and wearing
hijaab is a great idea. Now converting would be my choice but would
other Muslim people judge me for wearing hijaab or thinkI am mocking
them? The other issue is my family they like my boyfriend butdo not
want me to cover, they do not believe in it soI want to wear it but
not around them. Could I wearhijab and just not wear it when with
them?(I do notsee them that much). or would that be bad and against
religious or cultural beliefs of Muslims?
Renee.

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Stuck in my marriage, want a divorce from my emotional abusive husband

"Husband should feed his wife whenever he eats and cloth her, whenever
he cloths himself, that he not hit her in face, that he not call her
ugly and that he not boycott her except within the house" (Ibn Majah)
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have noone and nowhere to tell and ask for advices. I feel terribly
lonely and helpless. I am aconvert and married an Arab husband about
13 years ago. I do not know where to start my problem as it seems it
has been embedded for years.
We have 3 children and live in America right now. My husband is a
highly educated person but with anger issues. He is so goodin using
logic and language, there is no way that one can reason with him. He
weighs everythingon the benefit of his side. His motto is: what is in
it for me? For him, everything can be measured and there is nothing
called altruism. His assumption is people are selfish and lazy.
Everything people do has a hidden agenda and motive. His religious is
the one who can save the human from being in the stage of selfishness.
His fear of Allah is out of being sent to hell.
He did everything "right" –prays five times a day, fasts not only in
Ramadan,donate the portion that heneeds to (never more, never less),
give money to his mother monthly (out of fear that his mother willnot
pray for him). He is just so robotic and binds to the law and rules of
Islam. One thing he alwaysmentions is if he were not a Muslim, he
would have indulged in sex, drug and alcohol. He praises his religion
so much for stopping him doing such athing. I do not understand why it
has to be extreme that either he has to choose be a bad guy or good
guy.
I have so many friends from my country that theydo not have religion
but live their life fully by volunteering in the societyand living in
a happy and productive life. They surelyknow what is right or wrong
out of their consciousness and their moral/ education background.
Sometimes, I think Islam may be fit to those people who may go to an
extreme astray life, I wonder?
He belittles women in general, calling them lots of name. I do not
feel respect and love from him anymore. I feel disgusted by sleeping
next to him. I feel suffocated.
One thing I want to do is adivorce. I want to breath, Iwant freedom. I
am sorry to say that, I am reaching to the point that I hate being
married to a Muslim man and being a Muslim. I know Islam is the right
religion but I just hate seeing so many men usingit as a means to
control women mentally and physically. When my teenager daughter said
to me that she would never going to choose a Muslim man or at least
not an Arab Muslim or a "religiousone".
I know my relationship with my husband is affecting her unconsciously
already. Shewould even suggest that we should leave him behind as he
does not deserve respect from us. Unfortunately, it appears to me that
my husband's character is not an uncommon around the Arab community
where I live. But most Arab women choose to toleratethis kind of
disrespectful behavior (shouting in bad language, being confined at
home, not allowed to mingle with friends.) I cannot share with those
sisters about my situation as they will look at me as a "rebellious
one" or not religious enough to depend to Allah. Their endurance level
is so high that I do not have.
Sure, he provides food andshelter in the family. According to him,
love is abstract and cannot be measured but food and shelter can.
Other than that, he will play with the children whenever he wants and
he feels like. If he has a bad mood, he willshout and shut the
children out. He will never take the children to a parkor just walk
outside. Whenever the children do something wrong, he will shout and
say some harsh comments, like f**king idiot. He watched TV a lot and
some of them are not appropriate even for Muslim. He will just hush
the children to their room.He watched pornographic movie on the
computer. Ironically, he prays, fasts twice a week and in Ramadan. He
robotic-ally follows every steps of a Muslim should do. I have to
admit, I cannot bear seeing him praying. Even my daughter would say
that Allah would turn his face away from him.
Unfortunately, my husband thinks he makes no mistakes. He measures it
by his acts, such as he pays the bills, he does not fool around, he
does not drink or gamble, he pays his mom on time even though they
have a very bad relationship. He blamed his parents for things in the
past. He shouted at his mother in front of the children. I sawhis
mother crying all the time. He knows he cannot go to heaven if he does
not get his mom's prayer. He will suspect his own shadow. He does not
trust anyone and he is so arrogant that he thinks everyone is idiate.

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