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Friday, February 7, 2014

Marital Life, - Diary of a Shopaholic’s Husband











I wish for the day when my wife will tell me that she has come to hate shopping, but I do not think that will ever happen. Her intense love for shopping does not let her get bored or tired of going to the mall, where she hops from one store to the other with resolve and determination. When she expresses her desire to go shopping, I ask her if she needs something, to which she astonishingly replies, “Should I need to buy something to have a reason to go shopping?”
I remind her often that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, described the market to be the worst and most hateful place to Allaah The Almighty, to no avail. I then console myself with the idea that all or most women love shopping, as a British study proved that their overall health improves while on a shopping spree, whereas us men’s blood pressure and heart rate increases, and we become prone to irritability.
Today, I read a whole article on shopping, written by a psychologist who used the term “shopping fever”; he said: “This rush to shops is not a mere pastime; it is an alleviating response to an urge.” I admired the confession of a woman who felt she was easy prey for discount sale advertisements and the glitter of shop windows. She said: “Whenever I feel nervous or strained, the first thing I think of is to go shopping, which has become like an addiction.”
The philosopher RenĂ© Descartes is quoted to have said: “I think, therefore I am”; it seems that many women would offer the variant, “I shop, therefore I am.”
Seeing that women and shopping go together, I feel I can now excuse my wife for not getting bored with it and becoming so energetic whenever she intends to go to the mall.
However, I have laid down some rules:
-I make sure I accompany her or send one of our sons with her, so that the salesemen are decent to her when they show their products.
-I tell my wife that we will end our shopping trip withSalaah, so she does not hang around the shops unnecessarily and hurries to buy what she needs before theAthaan)call to prayer( of theMaghrib)sunset( or ‘Ishaa’)evening( prayer.
-Similarly, when she goes with my son, I set a time and place for them to meet shortly before the time ofAthaan.
-I also advise her to buy what she needs in one go, as there might not be a chance in the near future, to go shopping again. Consequently, I put an end to the habit of shopping several times for the same thing.
Finally, I cannot conceal that sometimes I do benefit from my wife’s love for shopping, because now, that I go with her, I can use it as a bargaining chip, if I want her to do something for me.






















- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Look out for your husband after the age of forty











It is common among many people to consider a grown man to be an adolescent if he travels a lot and leaves his own adolescent children with no one to take care of them. Also, when some people notice that a forty-year-old man changes his style of clothes or his general appearance, they begin to believe that he has abandoned his known reverence, and, consequently, they consider him like an adolescent. Some others would like sports but give it up and prefer spending their time in places of entertainment. Other people consider a forty-year-old person a teenager because of his keenness in maintaining his physique to the extent that it makes him concerned with the dimensions of his body and follow a special diet. Other people consider the forty-year-old man a late teenager when he begins to think of marriage after solving his children’s problems or when the children leave the house in order to marry or work abroad. Some people denounce the idea of this man's marriage. Other people consider a man at the age of forty or fifty a late teenager when he starts to return to his house at different times after it had been his habit to return at defined and known times to the members of his family.
There are many situations and behaviors that people consider a late adolescence for a man at the age of forty, fifty or sixty. I disagree with them about some of these things and agree with them about others. Such scenes cannot be considered a general and widespread phenomenon. However, we will discuss some irregular scenes by illustrating the issue of the "good example" which a man at the age of forty or fifty must represent. Such a person is a role model for his children; hence, he should behave in a good way and avoid anything that might negatively affect the reverence of a person of his age. I will mention an incident, which a brother told me about; this incident shows how some people ignore the principle of being a good example in their attitude and outlook. This brother was driving a luxurious car near a traffic sign and the sound of the stereo was giving off a clamorous noise. Another car was next to his and a man who seemed to be around forty was driving it. When the young man saw this man, he lowered the sound of the recorder out of respect for him, but the man looked at him and lifted his hand, which was holding a cigarette. As a reaction to this shameful scene, the young man again raised the sound of the stereo.
Late adolescence at the age of forty appears very distinctly to the woman, especially the wife who monitors this change and remains perplexed about her husband who is undergoing a second stage of adolescence that has no definite limit; it may be at the age of forty, fifty or even sixty. Such a wife may ask: What is the role that I have to play? A wife may lose her husband and thus has to quickly rescue him from this predicament before he falls into the trap of this late adolescence. This may be achieved as follows:
1-Having a strong attachment to the husband from the early years of marriage. In doing so, the wife should not overlook a very important issue, namely, forgetting the husband amid her preoccupation with the children’s upbringing. She should share her husband's hobbies with him. Nothing should prevent the woman from drawing closer to her husband and reconciling their viewpoints. This would not allow the gap between them to widen in the course of time and would not cause something that the woman hates to happen. She should know that her husband is like a plant; if she does not look after it, it will dry up and die.
2-Having confidence in herself and in her husband. If a wife feels content and self-confident, this will be reflected on her home and life. However, if she does not have self-confidence, everything in her house will turn into fire. Therefore, she should realize that her beauty does not lie in maintaining the beauty of her face and her physique; rather, it lies in her self-confidence. Many women remove the wrinkles from their faces and at the same time remove their self-confidence. They do so in the search of beauty while neglecting self-confidence; they do not even attempt to read their husbands' looks.
3-The man needs feelings of sympathy, compassion and deep love, even at such an advanced age. Hence, do not neglect this emotional and cognitive communication between you, for it will inevitably add cooperation to your life. I know that maturity makes it difficult for the tongue to express such feelings, but lack of this may result in emotional dryness or in a distressing divorce. Yes, one of the spouses may feel shy to express such emotions for such reasons as the presence of the children or maturity. However, for the sake of a happy life, these emotions have to be expressed, even through an occasional good word, praising some work that was done by one of the spouses and showing admiration for the style of one’s partner. I am sure that this will have a positive effect on spreading love as well as satisfying the required emotional and psychological aspects. Without this, life would become dry and superficial. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And of His signs is that He Created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He Placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.{]Quran30:21[
In my opinion, if the spouses’ interests are varied, a man will not search for another woman to be closer to him. Considering only the physical needs pushes man to this late adolescence. This occurs when the man finds leisure time, or let us say, an emotional vacancy, something which makes him regress to a stage that is not suitable for his age. This attracts attention to him and he becomes the topic of the hour. Some people may make fun of him or of his conduct. Therefore, the wife has to kill the boring routine between her and her husband by exchanging gifts, for instance. She has to sit with her husband and remove any residual disagreements that might have been generated from any misunderstanding between them. The couple should treat the disturbances in their lives with frankness. We should also not forget the words of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam:"The best of you is the best in treating his household ]i.e. wife[."
When the father lives in an atmosphere that is full of indifference and irresponsibility, when he spends most of the time with his friends in places of entertainment, when he descends into lack of awareness while neglecting his children and family, then this means the loss of his family. The treatment of such indifference is individual and social upbringing.
Finally, I am certain that the solution to this social problem lies in the hands of the wife of this adolescent; she should have confidence in herself and her actual and personal ability and she should also monitor his real reactions. If she does this, she will win back her husband’s heart.






















- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Do not make your wife beg











Every human needs to be appreciated and loved, and to have this love expressed in many different forms and in many situations. There is nothing more beautiful or pleasant than a word of love between spouses whose hearts have been united by Allaah The Almighty in lawful matrimony, making them sufficient for each other and filling each other’s emptiness. If a husband neglects his wife without trying to respond to her emotions, problems will emerge. It will be a disaster if another man notices this emptiness and tries to fill it in an unlawful way.
Society excuses husbands who marry another wife, saying that perhaps the first wife failed to satisfy their needs, but we need to ask what a wife should do when she misses appreciation and love from her husband. This is a message for every husband who considers love to be a weakness, appreciating the wife as recklessness, and good words to be a waste of time.
Wives’ Complaints
Khadeejah ‘Abdullaah, an employee, says “My husband stops talking to me for days, even though we live with our extended family. Everyone notices that he talks to everyone except me. He always accuses me of being unclean and careless about my home. I work more than half the day and return home tired. He does not help me and all my salary goes to the family.”
Umaymah ‘Aabid, a teacher, said, “I married him when he was a student. I worked and supported him and his sisters. Once he had a job opportunity, he left me, went abroad, and married a nurse. He gives token sums of his money and time. The relation between us is almost severed. Where are appreciation and gratefulness, let alone love?”
Basmah Ahmad, an employee, says “I helped my husband when he was a humble, penniless employee. I gave him money that he used as capital for a small project which Allaah The Almighty had blessed. In the beginning, he would come and ask me for advice and we led a happy life. When he became rich, he also became stingy and he only gives us the minimum amount that is necessary for us. He favors his relatives over us. Then he married another wife. This drove me to hate life and see that there is no such thing as appreciation, let alone love.”
On the other hand, Nusaybah ‘Abdur-Rahmaan, a housewife, says, “My husband cares for my feelings, especially in front of his family, helps me at home and always defends my rights. This increases my love and appreciation for him. You cannot give what you do not have; I can give my husband love because he has given me love.”
Incorrect Upbringing
With regard to the effect of upbringing on the way in which men fail to appreciate their wives, Dr. Ahmad Al-‘Amri, professor of Psychology at Cairo University, says,
The mistake that parents make when they are raising their children is that they regard the male to be superior and distinguish between the male and the female. The girls serve the boys. The boys eat and the girls clear the table. On the weekend, the boys sleep late while the girls help the mother with the housework. The boy throws his clothes everywhere around the house for his sister to gather and put in order. He orders her around. The boy is raised to believe that he is superior and that girls are inferior.
A mother is the example of a woman to the boy; when he sees her being degraded, he gets used to the idea. When he grows up he has the same attitude toward his wife that he had towards his sister and so his wife then is also degraded. We wrong our children, ourselves and others when we raise our children this way. When the boy becomes a man, his way of dealing with the other ]the wife[ is rough and austere because he did not grow up in an atmosphere of love and affection, and was not taught that a man could not be faulted for expressing love and appreciation. A boy who is raised in an atmosphere of love and is taught to show appreciation will be keen on expressing his appreciation and gratitude about any good thing that his wife does; he will express his admiration for a nice dress that she wears and will praise her efforts. In him doing so, she will feel appreciated and her life will be enhanced.
Dr. Yoosuf Qaasim, a professor ofSharee‘ahat Cairo University, tells us about the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and his manners with his wives, may Allaah be pleased with them, as well as his appreciation for them. The wife is the nearest human to a man; so, she should be treated generously. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“The best ones amongst you who are those who are best towards their wives.”Anas ibn Maalik, may Allaah be pleased with him, said,“I served the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for ten years, and he never even said to me, ‘Fie’ and never asked me why I did this or why I did not do that.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ If this was the manner of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, with his servant, how was his manner with his wives?
There are many situations where the care of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for his wives was manifested. When his wives, due to their jealousy of the great beauty of Safiyyah bint Huyayy, may Allaah be pleased with her, scoffed at the fact that her father was Jewish, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, comforted her and said to her:“Reply to them saying I am the wife of a prophet, my father was a prophet and my uncle was a prophet,”referring, of course, to Moosa )Moses( and Haaroon )Aaron(, may Allaah exalt their mention. If any one of his wives got angry with another one, he would judge kindly in favor of the wronged party. When ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, once broke a utensil that belonged to Hafsah, may Allaah be pleased with her, he ordered her to give Hafsah another one like it. Even in his final illness, he asked his wives permission to be nursed by ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, in her room. This was his manner with his wives. Every Muslim needs to emulate him because he,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam,is the finest example for every believer. In our religion, a good word is considered charity and a wife is the worthiest person of her husband’s charity.
Highlights
Never place your wife in any of these situations:
The wife works hard to prepare a delicious meal for her husband, hoping for a ‘thank you’, but all she gets is, “My mother cooks better than you!”
The wife dresses up and waits for her husband, then he arrives and acts as if he hasn’t seen anything noteworthy and declines to comment.
The husband humiliates his wife in front of his family and speaks about her disparagingly.
The husband never says to his wife a word of love or praise.






















- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M