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Friday, May 16, 2014

Family Issues, - Daughters - A Blessing


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Allaah Almighty says (what means): “To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth; He creates what He wills. He gives to whom He wills female [children], and He gives to whom He wills males. Or He makes them [both] males and females, and He renders whom He wills barren. Indeed, He is Knowing and Competent.” [Quran 49:50] Allah is the One, based on His ultimate wisdom, who grants whomever He wills sons and daughters; He grants sons only to whomever He wills, and grants daughters only to whomever He wills, and if He so wills, He makes whomever He wills infertile.
We notice in the above verse that the mention of daughters preceded that of sons, and the scholars commented on this saying: “This is to hearten daughters and encourage kindness towards them, because many fathers feel burdened by receiving a daughter. The common practice of the people during the pre-Islamic era was to hate receiving daughters, to the extent that they would bury them alive; therefore, it is as if Allah is saying to people: `This inferior child in your estimation takes precedence in My scale.' He also mentions daughters first to indicate their weakness, and that they are therefore more deserving of care and attention.”
Such honouring of daughters is the complete opposite of how people were accustomed to dealing with females in the pre-Islamic era, when they would degrade women and consider them a part of their wealth, and if news of a baby girl would come to any of them, it would be as if he was hit by a thunderstorm; Allaah says (what means): which means: “And when one of them is informed of [the birth of] a female, his face becomes dark, and he suppresses grief. He hides himself from the people because of the ill of which he has been informed. Should he keep it in humiliation or bury it in the ground? Unquestionably, evil is what they decide.” [Quran 58:59]
It is said that some enemies of Qays ibn ‘Aasim At-Tameemi, who was a pre-Islamic Arab, attacked his premises and captured his daughter. Later, one of these enemies married her. After some time, the clan of Qays and that of his enemies reconciled, so they gave this daughter of his the freedom to go back to her father or remain with her husband, and she preferred to stay with her husband. At that point, Qays took a pledge upon himself to bury alive any new daughter that he would receive, and the Arabs imitated him after that. It was, therefore, this man who introduced this evil practice, and thus he will shoulder his own sin as well as the sin of all those who did it thereafter.
One of the companions who had killed his daughter in the era that preceded Islam narrated his story: "We would worship idols in the pre-Islamic era and kill our daughters. I had a daughter, who, when she was old enough to comprehend and talk, would rejoice whenever she saw me and would immediately respond. One day, I called her and told her to follow me, so she did, until we reached a well that belonged to my tribe. I then took her by her hand and threw her in the well, and the last thing I heard her cry was: ‘O father! O father!'" (Ad-Daarimi)
During the era that preceded Islam, there were two methods that people used to kill their daughters:
· At the time of the delivery of the child, a man would order his wife to give birth next to a hole dug in the ground; if the newborn was a male, she would return home with him, otherwise, she would throw her into the pit and bury her alive, or:
· When the daughter reached six years of age, the man would tell his wife to adorn and perfume her, then he would take her to a well in the desert and tell her to look down into the well; when she would do this, he would push her into it from behind.
There were some men among these people who would forbid such acts, such as Sa’sa’ah ibn Naajiyah At-Tameemi, who would go to those attempting to kill their daughter offering money to ransom their lives.
There are people nowadays who share these same pre-Islamic beliefs; if they are granted only girls, which is of course something decreed only by Allah, they become angry, discontent and grieved.
With the advent of Islam, the darkness of that era vanished and Allah enjoined kindness, love and compassion towards girls. Taking good care of girls was encouraged, as was giving them special attention in the process of their upbringing. In fact, Islam has designated a special reward for raising them that is not granted for raising sons. Anas reported that the Prophet said: "He who raises two daughters until their puberty will be with me in Paradise like this", and he symbolized the proximity by showing two of his fingers with a slight gap between them." (Muslim)
`Aa’ishah(ra) related: "A woman by the name of Jameelah came to me with her two daughters. She asked me for charity but found nothing with me except a date, which I gave her. She divided it between her two daughters and ate nothing herself; then, she got up and left. After this, the Messenger of Allah came, so I narrated this story to him; he said: “He who is involved (in the responsibility) of (nurturing) daughters and is generous to them, will have them as a fortification for himself against the Hellfire.” (Al-Bukhari & Muslim).
In another narration of this incident, `Aa’ishah (ra) related: "A poor woman came to me with her two daughters. I gave her three dates; she gave each of them a date and was about to eat the third one when one of her daughters asked her for it, so she divided it between her two daughters and ate nothing herself, and I liked what she did. After this, the Messenger of Allaah came, so I told him what she did, and he said: 'Allaah obligated Paradise for her due to this date, and (also) freed her from Hell.'"(Muslim)
Pay close attention to wording of the following narration: the Prophet said: “He who is tested by (the guardianship) of daughters….” Why did he use the word: “…tested…”? He said it because raising them is a responsibility and a test from Allaah to see how His slave would act: Will he be kind to them? Will he raise them correctly?
The nature of this responsibility was further clarified in other narrations, such as: “If he patiently feeds them and endows them with clothing …" (Ibn Majah)., and: “…Provides for them and marries them off…” (At-Tabarani)., and: “…Properly raises them and fears Allah in the manner in which he deals with them.” (At-Tirmithi)
This is what is required when dealing with daughters: kindness, which results in Paradise, as the Prophet(saw) said: “Whoever Allah has given two daughters and is kind towards them, will have them as a reason for him to be admitted into Paradise.” And: “Whoever Allah has given three daughters and he perseveres through raising them, will have them as a shield for him from the Hellfire on the Day of Resurrection.”
A daughter is a great bounty and an honour granted by Allah, Hasan (ra) said: “Girls are a source of reward and sons are a blessing; rewards are in one's favour (on the Day of Judgement) whereas one will be held accountable for blessings.”
Thus, it is incorrect to believe that one has been humiliated by being granted a girl; rather it is an honour, a bounty and a gate towards Paradise. Daughters are a greate responsibility to rear, and entail greater expenditure, and this is why the reward for raising them correctly is greater than that for a son.
Once, one of the leaders of the believers was receiving people when a small daughter of his entered the room, so he kissed her; a Bedouin was also in attendance and saw this, so he mentioned daughters in a very evil manner. A wise man who was also present witnessed all of this and therefore said: "O leader of the believers! Do not listen to him. I swear by Allaah, that it is they (i.e., girls) who stay up to care for the sick in the family, who show mercy towards the elders, and who stand next to men during hardships."
A man was granted a baby girl, so he became angry and isolated himself from his wife for a long time, and after few months, he overheard his wife reciting the verse (which means): “…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you…” [Quran 2:216]
How many girls have been far more merciful and beneficial to their parents than their brothers? How many times has a son been a source of grief for his parents, to the point that they wished he was never born?
Why do we raise this topic now? It is due to the vicious attacks on the Muslims under the pretext of defending 'women’s rights' which is in reality an evil attempt to play on the emotions of women so that they will become rebellious towards their fathers and husbands, and to encourage them to leave their homes and demand their 'freedom'. This is a gate towards evil and immorality which gradually attracts women and then traps them in prohibitions. One cause of girls falling into this is people neglecting their daughters and undermining their rights, which makes them easily fall into the traps of the hypocritical writers and columnists, male and female, who wish to see corruption prevail.
It is enough of an honour for girls that the Prophets may Allah exalt their mention, had daughters and that most of the children of our beloved Prophet(saw) were daughters, namely: Zaynab(ra), Ruqayyah(ra), Umm Kalthoom(ra) and Fatimah (ra) .




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Family Issues, - Easy tips to a sound upbringing


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The best way to discipline your children is to teach and guide them, more than obliging them to be disciplined. The process of improving a child’s behavior is an educational, not a punitive process. In this case, you should prefer a smile to frowning, a calm voice to shouting and a reward to punishment.
In this article, we offer you thirteen tips that will significantly affect your methodology while you change your child’s behavior. These thirteen tips will form a new atmosphere for discipline making it an easy matter. However, you should listen to, respond and consider every tip.
First: Be a good example:
Your child is watching you continuously and he absorbs the way you face frustration, your behavior while you are angry, the extent of your truthfulness, honesty, generosity, morals, and so on. Hence, it would be easier to change your child’s behavior if you are his role-model in doing what you order him to do. It should be known that you cannot give what you do not have.
Second: Encourage efficiency:
According to experts,“Self-confidence is a good cornerstone for self-control.”When you praise your child’s good behavior, you build his self-confidence. Such self-confidence will help you a great deal in improving his bad behavior.
Third: Teach your child social skills:
Getting the child accustomed to good social manners at a young age will save a lot of effort when he gets older. So, from now teach him to seek permission before entering others’ rooms, to say“Jazaak Allaahu Khayran(May Allaah reward you)” to anyone who does him a favor, to kiss his parents’ hands, to visit his relatives, and to help his mother with the housework. Every effort that you exert with a young child will be a great asset helping you to change his bad behavior when he gets older.
Fourth: Give your child authority to an extent that is proportional to his age:
The more you find ways to encourage independence, the more you save a lot of time in the future. You should teach your child to make his own decisions, for example, to choose his own clothes and to buy his own things. The child who has some kind of authority will control himself more and will be more capable of changing his behavior.
Fifth: Charge with responsibilities:
Many parents do not entrust tasks to their children because they feel that it is easier to do them themselves or they do not want to overburden their children. However, this attitude should be changed and the child should be encouraged to participate in the housework and to help his father at work. This should take place after teaching and training the child to do so in order not to feel a failure. The child who shoulders responsibility at a young age will be more able to change his own bad behavior.
Sixth: First attract their attention:
Your children may notice that you talk, but if they do not pay attention to your words, they will not respond. Therefore, your first step is to be keen on attracting their attention.
-Go to the room to speak directly to your child.
-Be keen on visual communication which requires flexibility to be on the same level of the child.
-Your demands should be simple and your explanation should be easy and clear to understand.
Seventh: Look for other means of rejection:
The child usually turns a deaf ear to everything that he does not like to hear. This means that the more interesting your speech is, the greater your chance is to gain their attention.
-Instead of telling the child,“Stop shouting”,you should say,“Please, speak in your normal voice.”
-Instead of saying to the child,“Stop throwing the ball inside the house”, you should say,“Take the ball and play outside”.
Guiding the child in a positive way will save you from direct confrontation related to his behavior. It will also give the child a space to choose. You should not say to him,“Do not play football”;rather, you should say,“Do not play football here.”
Eighth: Set limits:
Some parents fear setting limits thinking doing so will weaken the child’s personality. However, when you spend some time with children who have no limits, you will immediately realize the importance and positive effect of this approach on the child.
Ninth: Anticipate the situation and deal with it before it takes place:
For instance, if your child insists on having everything he wants from the toy store, then, you need to go there without accompanying him until he gets older. It is wise to avoid the development of some bad attitudes in our children.
Tenth: Setting punishments:
The best way to indicate your dissatisfaction with any bad behavior is to set punishments. For example, you may say,“If you do not go on time, you will not be able to go to the picnic”,“If you beat your young sister, you will not get your pocket money”,and so on.
Eleventh: Be flexible and ready to negotiate if necessary:
Flexibility in upbringing means having sufficient wisdom that does not drive the parent to ask the child to immediately do his homework after returning from a hard day at school. In this situation, the parent should say,“I think you should have some rest now. I will wake you up after you have rested.”
Twelfth: Using the method of rewards:
Reward is different from bribes.
A bribe is to make a previous agreement with the child, for example, to have a certain amount of money in order not to raise his voice in the market.
A reward is to give the child a reward in return for his polite behavior all the day.
Giving rewards enhances good morals and creates a new atmosphere. So, you should not forget to use it as a successful means of upbringing.
Thirteenth: Be firm on principle:
You should mind what you say and adhere to it. In this way, the child will understand that you are serious. This will save a lot of your efforts. Firmness on principles is the basis according to which you can bring up your child. If you can set some rules and behavior to be followed inside the family, you will grant your child the starting point according to which he can make his own decisions.



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Family Issues, - Love Her...


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Love her .when she sips on your coffee or tea. She only wants to make Sure it tastes just right for you.
Love her when she "pushes" you to pray. She wants to be with you in Jannah (Paradise).
Love her when she asks you to play with the kids. She did not "make" them on her own.
Love her when she is jealous. Out of all the men she can have, she chose you
Love her when she has annoying little habits that drives you nuts. You Have them too.
Love her when her cooking is bad. She tries.
Love her when she looks disheveled in the morning. She always grooms herself up again.
Love her when she asks to help with the kids homework. She only wants you to be part of the home.
Love her when she asks if she looks fat. Your opinion counts, so
Tell her she's beautiful.
Love her when she looks beautiful. She's yours so appreciate her.
Love her when she spends hours to get ready. She only wants to look her best for you.
Love her when she buys you gifts you don't like. Smile and tell her it's what you've always wanted.
Love her.when she has developed a bad habit. You have many more and With wisdom and politeness you have all the time to help her change.
Love her when she cries for absolutely nothing. Don't ask, tell her
Its going to be okay.
Love her.when she suffers from PMS. Buy chocolate, rub her feet and back and just chat to her.
Love her.when whatever you do is not pleasing. It happens and will pass.
Love her.when she stains your clothes. You needed a new thobe (kurta) anyway
Love her when she tells you how to drive. She only wants you to be safe.
Love her when she argues. She only wants to make things right for both of you.
Love her she is yours. You don't need any other special reason!!!!
All this forms part of a Woman's Character. Women are part of your Life and should be treated as the Queen.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) advised concerning the Woman: treat the women well. The best of you are those who are the best in the treatment of their wives.
No one honours the woman except an honorable man. And no one Humiliates her or holds her in contempt except one who is evil, vile, Wicked and depraved. Don't wait for that special occasion, take time Now to make her feel Special in Every Way.




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Personal, - Your Role in Treating Enuresis


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Is it possible that I could have a role?
Yes, dear caregiver, you are the one who plays the greatest role in treating your child's enuresis )bed-wetting(, particularly if it goes back to psychological causes.
Below is an outline of your role as clarified by physicians:
- To habituate your child to depend on himself from an early age until he gets accustomed to facing problems and tries to solve them under the supervision of his parents. A child who is habituated to depending on himself from a very early age rarely suffers from this problem.
- Habituate the child, from a very early age, to use the toilet correctly. These days, thanks to easy-to-use diapers, mothers slacken in training their children to use the toilet at an early age.
- Do not rebuke or beat your child as this may lead to negative reactions on the child’s side, or, perhaps, his insistence on wetting his bed as an objection to the rebuke and hitting. So, it is important to stop punishing the child and showing anger to him because of his bed-wetting problem, since showing anger because of this leads to tension and trouble, with which the enuresis continues.
- To accept this behavior as being natural and explaining it to the child gives him a feeling of security. Parents should alleviate the negative feelings about that condition and convince him that he is not the only one and that many children do the same, and that soon he will get over it.
- To provide the child with warm feelings, compassion and support. The parents should tell the child that they love him and by no means should they be angry with him.
- To encourage and even praise the child whenever he is able to control his urination.
- To put a monthly table and mark with red stars the nights on which he could control his urination. This way motivates him and helps him evaluate the situation and endeavor to overcome the problem with eagerness to receive the reward in the event of success.
- Serve dinner to the child at an early time and do not give him drinks after six in the evening, i.e. 2 to 3 hours before he goes to bed -- especially drinks that contain caffeine because it is a diuretic; however, do not leave the child thirsty.
- Do not give him foods that contain large amounts of water; such as watermelon, cucumber, and so on, before going to bed.
- Help the child have enough sleep during the night, and have an hour of sleep during the day, as this will help overcome the problem of deep sleep.
- It is necessary for the child’s food to be healthy and free of excessive spices, salts and sugars.
- Get the child to go to the toilet to urinate directly before sleep and awaken him during the night to go to the toilet for the same purpose.
- To observe the times at which the child urinates in bed and awaken him from sleep some minutes before those times to urinate. In this respect, the parents have to make it easy for the child to go to the toilet to urinate by keeping the toilet light switched on and making the child’s room near to the toilet, if it is possible. At the same time, this procedure should not be made a burden on the child. An adult should accompany him to the toilet if he is afraid of going alone at night.
- Switch on a faint light in the child's room to help him go to the toilet or change his clothes at night.
- Do not talk about the child’s problem with others in the child’s presence and do not make a comparison between him and his peers who do not face the same problem.
- Do not attribute to the child characteristics which he does not like and tackle the problem in secret.
- Be keen on the child's cleanliness and urge him to take a bath and change his clothes.
- It is better if the child sleeps alone on a separate bed.
- It is better to put bedding to absorb liquids, so that the child would be more comfortable.
- See a doctor to be sure whether this problem goes back to physical causes, and abide by the guidelines of the physician with regard to taking the medicine regularly at its due time.
- Train the urinary bladder to increase its capacity by getting the child to drink great quantities of liquids during the day and asking him to defer urination for some time, with increasing the time for which he should hold urine throughout many weeks, during which he would become able to control urination in a better way.
- If the child wakes up wet and weeping, the parent should change his clothes quietly, calm him and embrace him and sit by his side until he goes back to sleep.
- Provide a good family atmosphere for the children, and good communication. Parents should not quarrel in their children’s presence, and the children should feel they live in a house full of happiness and love.
- Boost the child's self-confidence by saying that the problem will inevitably get better with time; and if we succeed in solving it, the results would be better.
- Do not let the child listen to disturbing news particularly directly before bedtime.
- Limit the time the child sits in front of the TV and choose the programs he watches.
- Read relaxing stories to children before sleep to calm them.
- Alert his older siblings not to ridicule him because of this habit since this harms him and complicates his situation.
- Give the child the freedom to discuss his status with his physician if he is capable of doing so.
- Provide coverings and underclothes near the child, and encourage him to change them by himself in case of involuntary urination so that he feels responsible for this problem.
- Make the child change his bedsheet every time he fails to control urination.
- The family should ensure a quiet atmosphere in the house, particularly before the child goes to bed.
If the involuntary urination is traced to a psychological cause, it should be identified. We have mentioned that the child's enuresis is an indicator of a problem from which he is suffering. So, it is of great importance to know the specific nature of that problem. Knowing the cause that lies beyond his feeling of annoyance, depression, terror, and so on, helps us treat the causes of our children's displeasure. In this way, we would obtain a radical solution for the problem.
A lot of parents are mistaken when they think that the treatment of the children's enuresis is only to habituate the child to control urination. Whoever thinks, or does so, will not solve the root of the problem. Bed-wetting, as we have previously clarified, indicates a problem, and its disappearance does not mean that the problem itself has disappeared; in so much as it means that only its outward symptoms have disappeared. Some specialists say that it is true that the child may stop bed-wetting, but unless the problem underlying his annoyance is principally solved, he will express it through other abnormal behaviors. In this way, he only replaces one means of expression with another.
For example, he may become more introverted, more secluded, achieving less at school, to the end of this chain of undesirable behavior. Hence, the parents should look for the causes lying behind their children's suffering and try to improve the psychological atmosphere in which they live. It is of no use to order them to stop bed-wetting, while the family quarrels or their persecution remain the same, given that if these problems are solved, the bed-wetting would automatically diminish and it will be easy for us to try to stop it completely.



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