Marital Life, - The Impact of the Art of Listening and Understanding Between Spouses

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All families have problems. Misunderstanding and lack of listening between the spouses occurs for one reason or another. However, there are various degrees of this, some of which are endurable and considered normal in all families, whereas others are agonizing and abnormal. The latter leads to family disintegration and the breaking of its tight chain, but this does not happen in all families. Undoubtedly, where there is smoke, there is fire and there is a medicine for every disease. When the disease is diagnosed, it would be easy to prescribe the medicine. Mutual understanding between the spouses plays a great role in maintaining a stable marital life and has a significant effect in uprooting the causes of daily problems. Otherwise, the problem aggravates, inflates and is difficult to solve, which leads to unfavorable consequences.
Both spouses are required to be frank and clear and express their feelings with each other. Moreover, each of them should be understating and modest and be an open book for the other. It is hard to decide who bears the greater part of the responsibility here. The husband leaves his home and returns at the end of the day with his mind occupied by many things away from his home. He keeps thinking about many things that are related to his work and interrelated relations that the woman does not have. The wife, on the other hand, is overburdened with the tasks of her home, the rights of her husband and the hardship that she faces in raising her children. This is in addition to her nature where her reason is usually overpowered by emotion and, hence, she is affected by the least things. This is why the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, in more than oneHadeethinstructed that she should be kindly treated by men.
Indeed both the husband and the wife are responsible for this issue and each of them should give it due its attention if they want the ship to proceed and life to be stable. It is one form of association that Allaah The Exalted commands in the Quran.
Had the wife known what occupies her husband's mind when he returns from work and how exhausted he is, she would have received him in the best way, wiped her hand over that tiredness and hardship, and opened her heart to contain his suffering and pain. He, therefore, would regain his energy, forget the tiredness that he feels and the effort that he exerted, and regain his energy as if he had not been exhausted in the first place. However, what actually happens is that she immediately receives him by telling him about what happened to her or her neighbors, or even what happened between her and her family as well as other hopes for the future, and this is not kind association. It is also not wise of her to hasten to talk to him at the time when he needs peace and tranquility.
Rather, she should listen to him and show great interest in everything that he says. When he takes his sufficient portion of rest, affection and love as well as affability and nearness, she can tell him anything she wants if she sees readiness in his eyes. In such a case, she will find an open heart and listening ears. It is not wise of the wife to talk when silence is required or keep silent when talking is required. She should take the Mother of the Believers, Khadeejah, may Allaah be pleased with her, as her example. She never saw the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, troubled without doing her best to divert him, remove his worry and promote his energy and zeal.
In aHadeethon the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, she said,
When Jibreel ]Gabriel[, may Allaah exalt his mention, revealed to the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, the beginning of Soorah Al-‘Alaq, he came back with it while his heart was pounding severely. He entered into the presence of Khadeejah bint Khuwaylid, may Allaah be pleased with her, and said:‘Cover me! Cover me!’They ]his family[ covered him until his fear subsided and after that he told her everything that had happened and said:‘I feared that something might happen to me.’Khadeejah, may Allaah be pleased with her, said, ‘Never! By Allaah, Allaah will never fail you. You maintain the ties of kinship, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guests generously and assist those who are afflicted with adversity.’ Khadeejah, may Allaah be pleased with her, then accompanied him to her cousin Waraqah ibn Nawfal ibn Asad ibn ‘Abdul-‘Uzza……."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Ibn Hajar, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said,"From the benefits of this story is that it is recommended to relieve the person who is afflicted by adversity by diverting him and making it easy for him. It is also recommended for the person who is afflicted with an adversity to tell the one whose advice and sound opinion he trusts."
In aHadeethon the authority of Husayn ibn Mihsan, may Allaah be pleased with him, he said that his aunt said to him.“I came to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for something, and he said: ‘O you, Do you have a husband?’‘Yes,’I replied. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, asked: ‘How do you treat him?’I replied, ‘I fulfill all his rights unless I am incapable of doing so.’ The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:‘You have to think about how you treat him for he is your Paradise and Hell.’”]Al-Haakim[ The wife who knows this, when her husband gets angry with her, mistreats her or she disobeys him, she would say, “Here is my hand in your hand. I will not sleep unless you are satisfied with me.” When there is anger, she hastens to him and does not wait or try to discover who is wrong because the matter is greater than that - he is the reason for her entering either Paradise or Hell.
On his part, the husband should appreciate his wife’s suffering all day long at home with the children. He should be patient with her and realize that she has been waiting for him all day to tell him about how she feels. He should be a good listener and show interest in what she is interested in. If the husband understands the nature of women, he will know that talking is one of their desires, especially when it is related to something that concerns their lives.
Moreover, she washes his clothes, prepares his food, brings up his children and satisfies his desires. He has to take the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, as his example. In more than one place, he instructed that women should be kindly treated. This was even mentioned in the sermon of his Farewell Pilgrimage, the last advice the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, offered hisUmmah)nation(. The one who neglects this is actually neglecting the last advice of the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. He gave us a good example when he sat listening to ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with him, while she was telling him about the story of Umm Zar‘ that included the conditions of eleven women with their husbands. InSaheeh Muslim, theHadeethis mentioned in six full pages. At the end of the story, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to her:“I am for you as Abu Zar‘ was for Umm Zar’.”Although the story was very long and contained eloquent words, the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, did not get bored and at the end said the words that pleased his wife and made her happy. This incident indicates that the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was not assuming this manner pretentiously, but that it was actually part of his natural demeanor.
Commenting on the verse in which Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}And live with them in kindness.{]Quran 4: 19[, Sayyid Qutb, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said beautiful words in this respect. He said,
The Islam that believes the house to be a repose and a source of security and peace, and believes the marital relation to be a source of affection, mercy and affability and establishes this bond on absolute choice to be built on response, kindness and love, is the same Islam that addresses husbands by the content of the verse where Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allaah makes therein much good.{]Quran 4:19[ This is meant to preserve the tie of marriage from breaking with the first whim and to keep the seriousness of this important human institution so that it should not be subjected to the whim of one's unstable emotions and the ugliness of inclinations.
When there is understanding between the spouses and they both agree on a particular way for maintaining this understanding, and each of them is a good listener to the other and shows his interest in what the other is interested in, life becomes quiet and happy, mercy prevails, tranquility descends, affection surrounds it, and it becomes full of love and harmony.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Use Your Intelligence andWisdom to Bring Happiness to Your Husband and Family

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There is no place in the entire world like a happy home in its beauty and the comfort that it radiates. Wherever we are, we will find no better place than a happy home.
How can the woman, with her intelligence, wisdom and good treatment, make a home happy and thus, make her family happy?
Dr. Hassaan Shamsi Basha is a cardiac consultant who has written many books about family life and is a prominent personality who is interested in the field of marital relations and family psychological health. He says,
Remember that you are responsible for making your husband and children happy and that the satisfaction of your husband leads you to Paradise. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Any woman who dies while her husband is satisfied with her will enter Paradise.”
Do not overburden your husband with something that is beyond his ability and do not accumulate your desires and requests and present them all at the same time so that your husband will feel exhausted and cease to be close to you. If you insist on having all that you need, your husband might refuse them all
Do not overburden him by wishing that he would adopt all the qualities and virtues that you like all at one time as it is rare to find one person who is characterized by every good quality.
When a man marries a woman, he usually keeps her good image in mind as he saw it in reality. Thus, do not distort the image that he has of you in his mind and try to preserve your beauty, elegance, health, activity and good speech. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, described the righteous woman,
Preserve your religiousness. Adhere toHijaaband do not let any non-Mahram)marriageable( man see any part of your body, even for the blink of an eye, as your husband would feel jealous and is careful that you are not be seen by any non-Mahramman.
Do not be preoccupied with housework and leave your husband neglected. Finish your tasks before your husband returns home.
Arrange your home in the best possible way and try to change the arrangement of the living room every now and then. Add your touches in choosing the places of paintings and decorations.
Do not lament the absence of the passion and love you used to daydream about before marriage. All these feelings calm down after marriage and turn into a balanced and calm love and way of life.
If the man is the one who has the decisive word in the marital relation, you are the one who is responsible for achieving success and harmony in marriage. Regardless of your culture, knowledge, status or position, you should submit to your husband and resort to him and not clash with his opinion. In
Let your husband always feel that you share his feelings, happiness, sorrows and distress. Let him feel that he is living in a calm and peaceful paradise so that he would be devoted to working, and being innovative and productive.
Speak nice words, smile brightly, make refreshing jokes and be cheerful. Avoid sadness, distress, ill speech, frowning, and desperation.
Do not waste your time chatting on the phone with your friends or reading unimportant magazines. Choose the type of magazines that would be useful to your mind and heart and that would enrich your culture and help you solve the problems of your family. Also, choose useful television programs to watch.
Encourage your husband to play physical sports outdoors. Try to go out for a walk with him, if that is possible, and enjoy the fresh air together during the weekend or whenever there is a chance.
Choose the right time for discussing family problems as it would be difficult to solve these problems before your husband goes to work as there would not be enough time. Do not discuss any problem with him when he returns from work feeling tired and exhausted. Perhaps the evening is the best time for
Do not ask your husband to play the role of police officer with your children and punish the one who is accused.
Do not criticize your husband’s behavior in the presence of the children and do not use bad phrases that would be repeated by your children like, “Here comes the monster.”
Beware of being excessively jealous or rebuking your husband too much, and avoid doing the things that make your husband jealous and distract his thoughts. ‘Abdullaah ibn Ja‘far ibn Abu Taalib, may Allaah be pleased with him, advised his daughter once, saying,“Beware of jealousy as it is the key to divorce, and
Never feel jealous because of your husband’s love for his parents as this is an inherent love that does not affect his love for you in any way.
Do not narrate your problems to your family, as this will make them hate your husband. Try to solve these problems with your husband.
Do not make your husband feel that you are superior to him if you are richer, of a higher status or more knowledgeable than him, as it is impermissible to underestimate your husband.
Do not refrain from having sexual intercourse with your husband if he wants to. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“If a man Invites his wife to have sexual intercourse with him and she refuses and he sleeps while being angry with her, the angels will continue cursing her until morning.”
Remember that obedience is the husband’s first right over his wife. Thus, you should not fast any voluntary fasts until you have his permission. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“No woman is permitted to fast ]voluntarily[ when her husband is present ]in the house[ except with his
Do not forget the favors your husband has done for you. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said that being ungrateful to the husband is a reason for entering Hell and called this denial of favors 'disbelief'. In aHadeethon the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him, the
Save your husband's money and do not spend any of it without his permission and without making sure that he agrees. If your husband is poor, you can give him some of your money and if you do not have money, you should endure this difficulty patiently with him until Allaah The Almighty drives away all your
If you are a working woman do not think that your husband and children only need money. How far is the natural milk that which the child suckles from the artificial one? Is the love of the maid equal to the love and passion of the mother? Will the food of the maid be the same as the food of the wife? Will the
Do not grumble about your husband’s work as this is one of the worst things that some women do. This usually causes troubles and unhappiness. Many wives complain excessively and accuse the husband of being negligent. This may also lead the wife to resort to her mother’s house because she is angry.
Remember that your husband would see his mother everyday as the first one who woke up and then woke up all the family and prepared breakfast. She is the one who helped all the young children get dressed. He will thus not be satisfied with a woman who wakes up late.
Remember that the house that is filled with love, peace and mutual respect with little food and water is better than a house that is full of meat and the best types of food but also full of troubles and conflict.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - A Word to the Bride and Groom

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Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He Placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.{]Quran 30:21[
The affection and mercy mentioned in the previous verse can only be attained through certain factors, like saying a gentle word, spending generously, forming close ties, possessing a dignified manner and performing good deeds. But, none of that can happen unless the spouses cooperate to create mutual understanding, take a positive step on the path of love and exchange affectionate feelings.
While this is useful knowledge for spouses, regardless of whether they are newlyweds or old couples, the words to follow are intended for those who have just embarked on conjugal life, as that is a very delicate stage in life that will have a significant effect on their future. Many young men and women may have a vague idea of reality and limited experiences of people’s conditions and ways of dealing with them. It is to them I direct my words, to enjoin them to live with each other in an atmosphere of affection and mercy, as per the aforementioned noble verse.
O brides and their grooms! Many of our people, men and women, have wrong notions about newly-married life that may destroy the peaceful, happy and pleasant life that every bride and bridegroom looks forward to. One of such false concepts that is fairly popular among common people, is that aggressiveness, perhaps to the point of violence, should be practiced in the first days of marriage. Further, excessive and blatant affectation, pretending to be what one is not and overburdening one’s self with massive marriage expenses, are clear mistakes and dangers that threaten domestic bliss and marital life.
My dear sons and daughters! Affection in marriage does not descend on us from the sky or spring from beneath our feet. If we do not exert effort and pursue the means to attain it, we never will. So, learn and benefit from the knowledge of scholars and those who experienced it after spending decades studying human conflict and resolution.
In every country, there are mottos that reflect local culture; some of them may be correct, while others are not. One of such proverbs detrimental to marital bliss in our country, for instance, is the one that says, “Cut the cat’s head on the wedding night.” This originates from the myth of a man who placed a cat in his new wife’s room and hid a knife under the pillow. When his newlywed bride entered, he used the knife to decapitate the cat, which scared her so much, that she took to becoming a meek slave of his, fearing that she could be punished with similar ferocity if she disobeyed her merciless husband.
This erroneous idea can only result in alienation between the spouses at a time when they are especially in dire need of intimacy, affection and harmony. Undoubtedly, starting a marital life in an atmosphere of terrorism, bloodshed and threats eliminates any and all possibility of enjoying any concord in the future. And if the marriage still holds somehow, it will be based on fear, grudge, hatred and deceit.
The first days of marriage form the most crucial phase of one’s life. It is of dire importance that both spouses be able to adjust themselves to their new life. Sure, some potentially damaging mistakes may be committed by either spouse due to misunderstandings, but this is a time of accustoming to each others’ habits, morals and traditions, with love and understanding. However, a stick, whip, knife and obstinacy in a man are negative and useless tools that cannot do any good, even if they are claimed to work for some rare, psychotic people. The truly successful husband is the one who wins the heart of his wife in the first days of marriage; and a successful wife is she who wins the admiration and love of her husband during this happy period, for, indeed, nothing begets goodness as goodness itself. Such a mutual attitude helps them create feelings of love, kindness, affection, appreciation and respect. With the passage of time and the emergence of new factors that tie the spouses together, we find these emotions enhanced and strengthened.
If we consider the rulings of the noble Sharee’ah, we will find rules that support this sound logic, as it is recommended in our religion for the bridegroom, even if he may already be married, to devote the whole first seven days after his wedding, to his new bride, particularly if she is a virgin. Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that“]i[t is the Sunnah that if someone marries a virgin and he already has a non-virgin wife, he should stay for seven days with her )the virgin( and then take turns ]in spending nights with all his wives[; and if someone marries a matron, then he should stay with her three days, and then take turns.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Islam also urgesholding a marriage banquet in order to make the bride comfortable and let her feel important; this is even applicable in times of poverty and scarcity of resources.
Moreover, whoever contemplates the life of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, with his family and wives, will certainly realize that violence, whether in the first days of or later in marital life, is unthinkable. The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, advised:“The best among you are the kindest to their wives and I am the kindest to my wives.”The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to cuddle his spouses, show affection to them and would joke with them.
Indeed, it is no less than an act of chivalry to honor a girl, who leaves her family to come to an unfamiliar house and a man she has never freely mingled with, until her feeling of strangeness disappears and she feels welcomed in surroundings that are full of love, kindness, intimacy and respect. Her husband, who has chosen her to be his partner and the mother of his children, should make her feel that her new house is neither a cage nor a jail, but an oasis of care and bliss, where she will live in continuous happiness, not in the heat of battles. The wife should also return these feelings with their like and make an effort to adapt to her new life. It would do both husband and wife good to abandon some inappropriate pre-marriage habits.
Hence, indeed, as a Hadeeth states, leniency is not found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and is not absent from anything but is thereby made defective. Violence, whether on the part of one or both spouses, creates grudges and constant glares and may lead them to suffer from psychological stress that will adversely affect their life and that of their children. In extreme cases, it may lead to mental illness or criminal behavior and their new life would become damaged and they will end up separated.
Furthermore, excessive pretension and overwhelming one’s self with debt in the first days of marriage is a kind of deception that has a negative effect on marital life. In fact, it is a kind of foolishness that harms the interest of the new family. Therefore, let us fear Allaah The Almighty in our homes, adopt Islamic morals, abandon all foolish customs, whether old or new, and adhere to our religious teachings — for real happiness lies in them — and try to achieve affection and mercy through actually pursuing it. In doing so, we may be able to establish merciful and loving families that our Ummah needs in its coming renaissance, Allaah willing.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M