Qualities to look for in a spouse -II

Beauty
Beauty is another important characteristic to be looked for in a
spouse. It has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of
marriageis to keep both mates from sin. The best way toachieve this
is if there is astrong attraction between the husband and wife.
Although this will surely grow over time, initial impressions can in
some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The
Prophetseparated Qays bin Shammaas from his wife in the famous case of
Kuhl' )i.e. a woman asking for separation from her husband( and her
stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There
are many Ahaadeeth )prophetic statements( that urge theprospective
spouse to take a look at the other before undertaking the marriage.
Once, a companion told the Prophetthat he was going to get married.
TheProphetasked if he had seen her. When the man replied in the
negative, hesaid:"Go and look at her, for it is more likely to
engender love between the two of you."]Ahmad & Others[
'Umar bin Al-Khattaabonce said: "Do not force your young girls to
marryan ugly man, for they also love what you love."
Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority
list, under piety, character and religion. When a person puts beauty
above all else, the results can be disastrous. This is one big reason
young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature
family members in making theirchoice.
Looking at a Prospective Spouse
As we have seen, the Prophetencouraged men considering marriage to a
particular woman to get a look at her. He said in another Hadeeth:"If
one of you proposes to a woman and if he isable to look at a part of
her that motivates him to marry her, let him do so."]Abu Daawood&
Others[
Note that this Hadeeth does not abrogate the limits of what a woman
may expose to non-mahaarim)marriageable relatives(. She must continue
to be well covered, except for her face and hands, in front of all of
them, and the prospective husband,even if he has proposed, is no
exception to this. Even then, he is still only permitted to see what
anyone else is permitted to see. The difference is that he is allowed
to takea good look - if it were not for the proposal of marriage, both
would be required to avert their eyes after the first glance, as the
Prophetsaid to 'Aliabout the look at a non-mahram woman:"The first is
for you, the second is against you."
Also, it is clear that the purpose of this look is very specific: to
help one determine whether or not they would like to marry that
person. Once that has been determined and the decision has been made,
it is no longer permissible for them to look at each other. If a man
and a woman decide that they want to marry each other, this does not
make it permissible for them to continue to see each other. Just the
opposite, since the decision has been made there is no longer any need
for themto see each other and they are no longer allowed to do so.
This is because until the moment the offer and acceptance of the
marriage have been pronounced, there is no relationship of any kind
between them and all of the laws regarding alien men and women still
apply to them.
Women Looking at a Prospective Husband
The woman also has a right to look at her prospective husband. Many
scholars have stated that women desirethe same things that we)men( do.
Some have even said that it is even more important for the womanto see
the man. This is because the man holds the right of instant and
unconditional divorce in case he is displeased withhis wife. It is
not so easy for the woman to get outof a marriage and so she must have
priority on thisissue.
Can a Man be Alone with His 'Fiancée'?
Again, no matter what words, promises, commitments, etc. have passed
between the parties, until the marriage contract has been transacted
and a man and woman are actually married, there is no relationship at
all between them and they are to each other as any other strange man
and woman. The Prophethas expressly forbidden for a man and a woman to
be alone together. Thisruling applies to a 'fiancée' just as much as
it applies to any other unrelated man and woman. One Hadeeth that
makes this very clearly is:"A man cannot be alone with a woman, except
along with a male )non-marriageable( relative )of hers(."]Al-Bukhaari
& Muslim[
Touching
Obviously, since those 'engaged' to be married have no legal
relationship beyond any other strange man and woman, any form of
touching between them is not allowed. The Prophetsaid:"For one of you
to have your head pierced with an iron needle is better for him than
to touch a woman who is not permissible for him )to
touch(."]At-Tabaraani[
Phone Calls
Muslim scholars have pointed out that it is not proper or acceptable
for 'fiancées' to be alone together or to have numerous encounters,
telephone conversations or internet 'chats' for the purpose of
'getting to know each other'. In fact, this is a horrible innovation
that has spread among the Muslims. It must always be remembered that
until they are married, they are like any other unrelated men and
women to each other and their actions must reflect that fact.
This is clearly the result ofthe similar 'experiment' going on in
Western societies over the last few decades: the more they 'open'
these kinds ofissues the more disastrous their marriages become.
Recently, the success rate of marriages in the United States has
dropped below fifty percent )50%(. This is despite the complete
freedom of the couples to 'get to know each other' in every way, and
for as long as they wish, before marriage.
Muslims who are headingdown this same road need to wake up and take
heed. The Prophetsaid:"You will follow the ways of those who came
before you foot by foot and yard by yard;)to the extent that( even if
they are to descend into a lizard's hole, you will follow them."
The Difference between 'Engagement' and Delaying Consummation
In many Muslim countries, people transact the marriage contract, but
agree not toactually begin the marriage until after a certain period
of time. There is nothing wrong with this custom with two conditions:
The time period is not excessively long.
All parties understand that the two are legally married, their
agreementto delay being together is not binding and there is nothing
wrong if they change their mind and decide to be together before the
appointed time.
This is quite differentfrom the imported custom of 'engagement'. The
only parallel to this western custom which many Muslims have adopted
is what is called'Khitbah', whichis the time between the beginning of
discussions and the acceptance or rejection of the offer. In
short,this has no legal validity of any kind and does not change
anything about the relationship between the man and woman. Extending
this to very long periods of time or worse, violating the Sharee'ah
)Islamic Law( during that time in the ways we have discussed is a
horrendous religious innovation)Bid'ah( which has spread among the
Muslims.

Women's liberation through Islam -II

Economic Rights:
Allaah Says )what means(:"By Him Who created male and female; Verily,
your efforts and deeds are diverse."]Quran 92:3-4[
In these verses, Allaah declares that He created men and women to be
different, with unique roles, functions and skills.As in society,
where thereis a division of labor, so too in a family; each member has
different responsibilities. Generally, Islam upholds that women are
entrusted with the nurturing role, and men, with the guardian role.
Therefore, women are given the right of financial support.
Allaah Says )what means(:"Men are the protectors and maintainers of
women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and
because theyspend )to support them( from their means..."]Quran 4:34[
This guardianship and greater financial responsibility is given to
men, requires that they provide women with not, only monetary support,
but also physical protection and kind and respectful treatment.
The Muslim woman has the privilege to earn money, the rightto own
property, to enter into legal contracts and to manage allof her assets
in any way she pleases. She can run her own business and no one has
any claim on her earnings including her husband. Allaah Says )what
means(: "And wish not for the things in which Allaah has made some of
you to excel others. For men there is reward for what they have
earned, )and likewise( for women there is reward for what they have
earned, and ask Allaah of His bounty. Surely, Allaah is Ever
All-Knower of everything."]Quran 4:32[
Furthermore, a woman inherits from her relatives. Allaah Says)what
means(:"There is a share for men and a share for women from what is
left by parents and those nearest related, whether, the property be
small or large – alegal share."]Quran 4:7[
Rights of a Wife:
Allaah Says )what means(:"And among His signs is this, that He
created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose
in them, and He has put affection and mercy between you; Verily,
inthat are signs for people who reflect."]Quran 30:21[
Marriage is therefore not just a physical or emotional necessity, but
in fact it is a relationship of mutual rights and obligations based on
divine guidance. Allaah created men and women with complimentary
natures, and in the Quran, He laid out a system of laws to
supportharmonious interaction between the sexes. AllaahSays )what
means(:"...They are your garments and you are their garments."]Quran
2:187[
Clothing provides physical protection and covers the beauty and faults
of the body. Likewise, a spouse is viewed this way. Each protects the
other and hides the faults and compliments the characteristics of the
spouse.
To foster the love and security that come with marriage, Muslimwives
have various rights. The first of the wife's rights is to receive Mahr
)marriage dowry(, a gift from the husband, which is part of the
marriage contract andrequired for the legality and validity of the
marriage.
The second right of a wife is maintenance. Despite any wealth she may
have, her husband is obligated to provide her with food, shelter and
clothing. He is not forced, however, to spend beyond his capability
and his wifeis not entitled to make unreasonable demands. Allaah Says
)what means(:"Let the rich man spend according to his means, and the
man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what
Allaah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what
He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease."]Quran
65:7[
Allaah tells us in the Quran that men are guardians over women and are
afforded the leadership in the family. His responsibility for obeying
Allaah extends to guiding his family to obey Allaah at all times.
A wife's rights also extend beyond material needs, as she has the
right to kind treatment. The Prophetsaid:"…The best of you are those
who are best )in treatment( to their wives."]At-Tirmithi, Ibn Maajah
and Al-Bayhaqi[
Allaah tells us that He created mates and put love, mercy, and
tranquillity between them. Both men and women have a need for
companionship and sexual needs,and marriage is designed to
fulfillthose needs. For one spouse to deny this satisfaction to the
other, temptation will rise to seek satisfying it elsewhere.
Duties of a Wife:
With rights come responsibilities. Therefore, wives have certain
obligations towards their husbands. Allaah Says )what means(:"…The
righteous women are devoutly obedient )toAllaah and their husbands(,
and guard in the husband's absence what Allaah orders them to guard
)i.e. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.(."]Quran 4:34[
A wife is to keep her husband's secrets and protect their marital
privacy. Issues of intimacy or faults of his, that would dishonor
him,are not to be spread by the wife, just as he is expected to guard
her honor.
A wife must also guard her husband's property. She must safeguard his
home and possessions, to the best of her ability, from theft or
damage. Sheshould manage the household affairs wisely so as to prevent
loss or waste. She should not allow anyone to enter the house whom her
husband dislikes nor incur any expenses of which her husband
disapproves.
A Muslim woman must cooperateand coordinate with her husband. There
cannot, however,be cooperation with a man who is disobedient to
Allaah. She should not fulfill his requests if he wants her to do
something Islamicaly unlawful. A husband also should not take
advantage of his wife, but rather he should consider her needs and
happiness.
Conclusion:
Allaah Says )what means(:"It is not for a believer,man or woman, when
Allaah and His Messenger )Muhammad( have decreed a matter that they
should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allaah
and His Messenger, he has strayed in a plain error."]Quran33:36[
The Muslim woman was given a role, duties and rights more than 1400
years ago that most womendo not enjoy today, even in the West. These
are rights granted byAllaah and are designed to keep balance in the
society; what may seem unjust or missing in one place is compensated
for or explained in another place.
Indeed Islam is a complete way of life.

Dought & clear, - She is confused about the answer to a questionconcerning women talking to men.

In a Question , regarding gender relations, you said: [[["
Conversation – whether verbally or in writing – between men and women
is permissible inand of itself, but it may be a way of falling into
the traps of the Shaytaan. Whoever knows that he is somewhat weak, and
is afraid that he may fall into the traps of the Shaytaan, has to
refrain from such conversations, in order to save himself. Whoever is
sure that he will be able to remain steadfast, then we thinkthat it is
permissible in his case, but there are certain conditions: "]]] And
Alhamdulillah, I understand up until this part, but I became a little
confused at the next part: [[[" 1. The conversation should notbe
allowed to wander too far from the topic being discussed; or it should
be for the purposes of calling others to Islam. "]]] So my question
regarding this is: In Sharee'ah, what can be considered a permissable
topic to discuss in the first place?For example, we know that Islaam
is a permissable topic, but what other things can we discuss, if
anything?.
Praise be to Allaah.
This has been discussed in the answer to question no. 1497where it says:
Speaking with a woman to whom one is not related (i.e., not mahram)
should only be for a specific need, such as asking a question, buying
or selling, asking about the head of the household, and so on. Such
conversations should be brief, with nothing doubtful in either what is
said or how it is said.
The idea of limiting speech with women to the five instances mentioned
in the question – which are: to ask how her family is, for medical
purposes, forfinancial purposes (e.g. in a shop), to find out about
her personality for marriage suitability and to give her dawah
(Islamic knowledge) – needs to be approached with caution, because
they could be taken as examples instead of limits. One must also
adhere to the conditionsset out by the Sharee'ah even in instances
where such conversations are necessary, such as in da'wah, giving
fatwas, buying or selling, etc. And Allaah knows best.
In the answer to question no. 1121it says:
Women are not prevented from talking to non-mahram men when it is
necessary to do so, such as dealing directly with them whenbuying
things or conducting any other financial transaction, because in such
cases it is necessary for both parties to speak. A woman may also ask
a scholar about some legalIslamic matter, or a man may ask a woman
such questions, as is proven in various texts of the Qur'aan and
Sunnah. Within the guidelines described above, there isnothing wrong
with a woman speaking to a non-mahram man. It is also permissible for
men to greet women with salaam and vice versa, according to the most
correct opinion, but this greeting must be free of anything that may
provoke desire in the person in whose heart isa disease, so as to be
safe from fitnah and payattention to the regulations outlined above.
If there is fear of fitnah being provoked by this greeting, then the
woman should refrain from either initiating or returning the greeting,
because warding off fitnah by neglecting the greeting is warding off
mischief, and warding off mischief takes precedence over doing
something useful. (See al-Mufassal fi Ahkaam al-Mar'ah by 'Abd
al-Kareem Zaydaan, vol. 3/276). And Allaah knows best.
Thus it is known that we do not mean general talk for no need, or a
great deal of private talk. Rather it should be just as much as is
needed in order to reply.
Going into detail in permissible talk or in shar'i matters when there
is no need for that leads to removal of barriers between the two
parties, which may lead to negative consequences.
And Allaah knows best.

Dought & clear, - Relationship of Sin and Attitude to Aqeedah.

Does falling into sin indicate that there is something wrong with
one's 'aqeedah (belief system)?
Praise be to Allaah.
Good attitudes - which are those that are obedience in and of
themselves or lead to obedience - are part of Islam, in fact they are
Islam. Allaah praised His Prophet Muhammad(peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) for being "on an exalted standard of character"
and Ibn 'Abbas interpretedkhuluq(translated here as "character") as
meaning Islam.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And verily, you (O Muhammad) are on an exalted (standard of) character"
[al-Qalam 68:4]
Ibn 'Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: You are on an
exalted standard of religion, which is Islam. Narrated by
al-Tabaraaniin hisTafseer(12/179).
The correct view is that character cannot be separated from religion.
Al-Fayroozabaadi said in his book Basaa'ir Dhawi'l-Tamyeez (2/568): It
should be noted that religion is all character. Whoever excels over
you in character will excel over you in religious commitment. End
quote.
Undoubtedly 'aqeedah (belief) has a strong connection to one's conduct
and character, negative or positive. That is clear from a number of
things, including the following:
1 - The Muslim who believes that Allaah can hear him and see him and
knows his secrets, and that belief is very strong in him, will be
affected by this and will not do anything that a person whose belief
in these matters is weak might do.
Among the evidence for this is the following:
(a)The verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"But if you do good and keep away from evil, verily, Allaah is Ever
Well-Acquainted with what you do"
[al-Nisa' 4:128]
(b)The verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to
Allaah, even though it beagainst yourselves, or your parents, or your
kin, be he rich or poor, Allaah is a Better Protector to both (than
you). So follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lestyou avoid justice;
and if you distort your witness or refuse to give it, verily, Allaah
is Ever Well-Acquainted with what you do"
[al-Nisa' 4:135]
(c)The verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"Verily, Allaah commandsthat you should render back the trusts to
those, to whom they are due; and that when you judge between men,
youjudge with justice. Verily, how excellent is the teaching which He
(Allaah) gives you! Truly, Allaah is Ever All-Hearer, All-Seer"
[al-Nisa' 4:58]
2 - The Muslim who believes in the promises and warnings of Allaah
will be motivated by thatbelief to do that which isbeloved to Allaah,
and tokeep away from everything that is hated by Him.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah(peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The most perfect of the
believers in faith is the one who is best in attitude." Narrated by
al-Tirmidhi (1162) and he said: it is hasan saheeh. Also narrated by
Abu Dawood (4682).
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It is well known that the most beloved of His creation to Him are the
believers, and if the most perfect of them in faith are those who are
best in attitude, then themost beloved to him are those who are best
in attitude, andkhuluq(character, attitude) is religion as Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):"And verily, you (O Muhammad) are on
an exalted (standard of) character" [al-Qalam 68:4]. Ibn 'Abbaas said:
On a high standard of religion. It was also interpreted thus by
Sufyaan ibn 'Uyaynah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and others, as we have
explained elsewhere.Al-Istiqaamah(p. 442).
Al-Mubaarakfoori (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: He said, "The
most perfect of the believers in faith is the one who is best in
attitude" because perfection of faith implies a good characterand good
treatment towards all people.
Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi(4/273).
3 - Strength of faith motivates one to do righteous deeds, and
prevents one from indulging in sin.
This is indicated by the following:
(a)It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "No adulterer is a believer at
the time when he is committing adultery; no thief is a believer at the
time when he is stealing;no drinker of wine is a believer at the time
when he is drinking it." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2334) and Muslim
(57).
(b)It was narrated from Abu Shurayh that the Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "By Allaah he does not believe,
by Allaah he does not believe, by Allaah he does not believe." It was
said: Who, O Messenger of Allaah? He said: "The onefrom whose harm his
neighbour is not safe." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5670).
(c)It was narrated from 'Abd-Allaah ibn 'Umar that the Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by an Ansaari
man who was exhorting his brother to be modest. The Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Let him be,
for modesty is part of faith."Narrated by al-Bukhaari (24) and Muslim
(36).
Maalik ibn Dinar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Faith starts in
the heart weak and feeble like a plant. If its owner takes care of it
and nourishes it with beneficial knowledge and righteous deeds, and
keeps away from it weeds and things that will make it weak, then soon
it will grow and increase and will develop roots and branches, and
will bear fruit and provide shade endlessly, until it becomes like a
mountain. But if its owner neglects it and does not take care of it, a
goat will come and eatit, or a child will come and take it, and the
weeds will grow and overshadow it and destroy it. The same applies to
faith.
Khaythamah ibn 'Abd al-Rahmaan said: Faith grows strong in fertile
soil and grows weak in arid soil. Its fertile soil is righteous deeds
and its arid soil is sin and disobedience. Quoted byIbn Taymiyah
inal-Eemaan, p. 213.
4 - By the will and decree of Allaah, faith prevents many bad
attitudes and sins against which Islam issues stern warnings, such as
getting angry, rending one's garment, tearing out one's hair and
wailing. Faith also calls a person to acquire the best of attitudes,
such as patience, acceptance and seeking reward. It was narrated that
Suhayb al-Roomi (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger
of Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "How
wonderful is the situation of the believer, for all his affairs are
good. If something good happens to him, he givesthanks for it and that
is good for him; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with
patience, and that is good for him. This does not apply to anyone but
the believer." Narrated by Muslim (2999).
InSunan Abi Dawood(4700) it says: 'Ubaadah ibn al-Saamit said to his
son: You will never taste the reality of faith until you understand
that whatever befalls you would never have missed you, and whatever
misses you would never have befallen you. I heard the Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: "The first
thing that Allaah created was the Pen, and he said to it: 'Write.'
It said: 'O Lord, what should I write?'
He said: 'Write the decrees of all things until the Hour begins.'"
O my son, I heard the Messenger of Allaah(peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) say: "Whoever dies believing in something other
than this does not belong to me." Classed as saheeh (authentic) by
al-Albaani.
5 - Islam urges us to do agreat deal of good deeds, confirming their
connection to belief in Allaah and the Last Day, and it forbids sins
and deeds that incur punishment by reminding us of belief inAllaah and
the Last Day.
This is indicated by the following:
(a)It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Whoever
believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his neighbour;
whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him honour his guest;
whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him speak good or
else remain silent." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5672) and Muslim (47).
(b)It was narrated from 'Abd-Allah ibn 'Umar thatthe Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "It is notpermissible for a
womanwho believes in Allaah and the Last Day to travel for a distance
of three nights, unless she has a mahram (close male relative whom she
can never marry) with her." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1036)and Muslim
(1338).
(c)It was narrated that Umm Habeebah said: I heard the Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: "It is not
permissible for a womenwho believes in Allaah and the Last Day to
mourn for more than three days for anyone who dies, except for a
husband, four months and ten days." Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1221) and
Muslim (1486).
6 -The Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) explained in
his Sunnah (propheticteachings) that false belief, such as
hypocrisy,leads to bad attitudes and bad deeds.
It was narrated from AbuHurayrah that the Prophet(peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: "The signs of the hypocrite are three:
when he speaks he lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it, and when
he isentrusted with something he betrays that trust." Narrated by
al-Bukhaari (33) and Muslim (59).
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:Those
who go against the people of hadeeth (ahl al-sunnah-followers of the
Prophet) are those who are likely to have bad deeds, either because of
corrupt beliefs and hypocrisy, or because of a sickness in the heart
and weakness of faith. Among them arethose who neglect obligatory
duties, transgress the limits, take rights and duties lightly and are
hard hearted, as is clear to everyone. Most of their Shaykhs are
accused of major sins even if there are among them some who are known
for asceticism and worship. The asceticism and worship of some of the
common folk of Ahl al-Sunnah are better than what they do.
It is well known that knowledge is the basis of action, and sound
roots produce sound branches. A man does not do evil actions except
for two reasons, either need or ignorance. The one who is aware of the
abhorrence of a thing that he has no need of will not do it, unless
his whims and desires have overpowered his reason and led him to
commit sin, which is another matter altogether.Majmoo'
al-Fataawa(4/53).
We ask Allaah to set all our affairs straight and to guide us to the
best ofwords, deeds and attitudes.
And Allaah knows best.