Qualities to look for in a spouse -II

Beauty
Beauty is another important characteristic to be looked for in a
spouse. It has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of
marriageis to keep both mates from sin. The best way toachieve this
is if there is astrong attraction between the husband and wife.
Although this will surely grow over time, initial impressions can in
some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The
Prophetseparated Qays bin Shammaas from his wife in the famous case of
Kuhl' )i.e. a woman asking for separation from her husband( and her
stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There
are many Ahaadeeth )prophetic statements( that urge theprospective
spouse to take a look at the other before undertaking the marriage.
Once, a companion told the Prophetthat he was going to get married.
TheProphetasked if he had seen her. When the man replied in the
negative, hesaid:"Go and look at her, for it is more likely to
engender love between the two of you."]Ahmad & Others[
'Umar bin Al-Khattaabonce said: "Do not force your young girls to
marryan ugly man, for they also love what you love."
Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority
list, under piety, character and religion. When a person puts beauty
above all else, the results can be disastrous. This is one big reason
young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature
family members in making theirchoice.
Looking at a Prospective Spouse
As we have seen, the Prophetencouraged men considering marriage to a
particular woman to get a look at her. He said in another Hadeeth:"If
one of you proposes to a woman and if he isable to look at a part of
her that motivates him to marry her, let him do so."]Abu Daawood&
Others[
Note that this Hadeeth does not abrogate the limits of what a woman
may expose to non-mahaarim)marriageable relatives(. She must continue
to be well covered, except for her face and hands, in front of all of
them, and the prospective husband,even if he has proposed, is no
exception to this. Even then, he is still only permitted to see what
anyone else is permitted to see. The difference is that he is allowed
to takea good look - if it were not for the proposal of marriage, both
would be required to avert their eyes after the first glance, as the
Prophetsaid to 'Aliabout the look at a non-mahram woman:"The first is
for you, the second is against you."
Also, it is clear that the purpose of this look is very specific: to
help one determine whether or not they would like to marry that
person. Once that has been determined and the decision has been made,
it is no longer permissible for them to look at each other. If a man
and a woman decide that they want to marry each other, this does not
make it permissible for them to continue to see each other. Just the
opposite, since the decision has been made there is no longer any need
for themto see each other and they are no longer allowed to do so.
This is because until the moment the offer and acceptance of the
marriage have been pronounced, there is no relationship of any kind
between them and all of the laws regarding alien men and women still
apply to them.
Women Looking at a Prospective Husband
The woman also has a right to look at her prospective husband. Many
scholars have stated that women desirethe same things that we)men( do.
Some have even said that it is even more important for the womanto see
the man. This is because the man holds the right of instant and
unconditional divorce in case he is displeased withhis wife. It is
not so easy for the woman to get outof a marriage and so she must have
priority on thisissue.
Can a Man be Alone with His 'Fiancée'?
Again, no matter what words, promises, commitments, etc. have passed
between the parties, until the marriage contract has been transacted
and a man and woman are actually married, there is no relationship at
all between them and they are to each other as any other strange man
and woman. The Prophethas expressly forbidden for a man and a woman to
be alone together. Thisruling applies to a 'fiancée' just as much as
it applies to any other unrelated man and woman. One Hadeeth that
makes this very clearly is:"A man cannot be alone with a woman, except
along with a male )non-marriageable( relative )of hers(."]Al-Bukhaari
& Muslim[
Touching
Obviously, since those 'engaged' to be married have no legal
relationship beyond any other strange man and woman, any form of
touching between them is not allowed. The Prophetsaid:"For one of you
to have your head pierced with an iron needle is better for him than
to touch a woman who is not permissible for him )to
touch(."]At-Tabaraani[
Phone Calls
Muslim scholars have pointed out that it is not proper or acceptable
for 'fiancées' to be alone together or to have numerous encounters,
telephone conversations or internet 'chats' for the purpose of
'getting to know each other'. In fact, this is a horrible innovation
that has spread among the Muslims. It must always be remembered that
until they are married, they are like any other unrelated men and
women to each other and their actions must reflect that fact.
This is clearly the result ofthe similar 'experiment' going on in
Western societies over the last few decades: the more they 'open'
these kinds ofissues the more disastrous their marriages become.
Recently, the success rate of marriages in the United States has
dropped below fifty percent )50%(. This is despite the complete
freedom of the couples to 'get to know each other' in every way, and
for as long as they wish, before marriage.
Muslims who are headingdown this same road need to wake up and take
heed. The Prophetsaid:"You will follow the ways of those who came
before you foot by foot and yard by yard;)to the extent that( even if
they are to descend into a lizard's hole, you will follow them."
The Difference between 'Engagement' and Delaying Consummation
In many Muslim countries, people transact the marriage contract, but
agree not toactually begin the marriage until after a certain period
of time. There is nothing wrong with this custom with two conditions:
The time period is not excessively long.
All parties understand that the two are legally married, their
agreementto delay being together is not binding and there is nothing
wrong if they change their mind and decide to be together before the
appointed time.
This is quite differentfrom the imported custom of 'engagement'. The
only parallel to this western custom which many Muslims have adopted
is what is called'Khitbah', whichis the time between the beginning of
discussions and the acceptance or rejection of the offer. In
short,this has no legal validity of any kind and does not change
anything about the relationship between the man and woman. Extending
this to very long periods of time or worse, violating the Sharee'ah
)Islamic Law( during that time in the ways we have discussed is a
horrendous religious innovation)Bid'ah( which has spread among the
Muslims.