Fathwa, - Relationships

Question:
There is a big difference between love & arranged marriages, or so
I've heard. But what I don'tunderstand is how love marriages can
actually "exist" if you don't become their boyfriend or friend first.
When you have a love relationship with someone you must getto know the
person first before deciding on something big like marrying them! But,
if you started to hang out with that person, wouldn't you become their
"boyfriend" or"girlfriend"? Please help me clear this up.:)
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful
Dear Sister,
Assalamu alaikum,
I pray this message finds you well.
Let's address some issues and definitions here.
An "arranged" marriage does not have to be absent of love. Even in a
situation where the marriage is arranged by parents or relatives, it's
possible for the intendedcouple to get to know one another and come
tolove each other.
A "love" marriage is not necessarily all about love. In fact, many
people think they love each other only to get married and find out
that what they thought was love was really just lust.
It is possible to have a"love" marriage without becoming someone's
boyfriend or girlfriend or dating. However, given the tendencies of
human nature, it is difficult to stay within the limits of the
Shariah. That is why Muslim cultures place a lot of emphasis on
marriages being family affairs. And that is why Islamic law places
strict conditions on interactions between unmarried males and females.
It is possible for two people to love each other based on qualities
like character, piety, compassion, and personality. It doesn't always
have to be physical. However, it is really only through marriage that
love is both tested and strengthened. That is why it is best--to the
extent possible--to save these strong feelings for after marriage,
where they can be acted upon in a lawful fashion.
And Allah knows best.

Fathwa, - Christian man wants to convert for marriage

Question:
It has been a while that I'm seeing a Christian, and he wanted to
marry me and he said that he is willing to do whateverit takes which
means that he is ready to become a Muslim but the question is I'm
afraid to go into this relation ship because what if he converted and
didn't believe in it? Wouldn't it be wrong? By the way I'mmuhajaba.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah's peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger.
Dear Sister,
I pray that this message finds you in good health and iman.
I advise you, woman to woman, to exercise the utmost caution in this
situation. Love often blinds us to certain realities. When a Muslim
woman becomes attracted to a non-Muslim man, she needs to ask herself
some questions.
1. Why do I love this person? How is he bringing me closer to myCreator?
2. If I weren't in the picture, would he still be interested in Islam?
3. Do I want to be married to a man whose sole interest in Islam is
because of me, rather than for Allah?
4. What happens if we marry and have children? Will he be able to
provide a good example of Muslim manhood, especially to my sons?
5. How will this affect myrelationship with my family, especially my parents?
6. How will I get along with non-Muslim in-laws? Will I be comfortable
in such a situation?
My advice to you is to stop seeing him in private, if that is indeed
the case. The only time you should see him is in the presence of your
father or wali (male guardian). Introduce himto practicing Muslim men.
This is the difficult part: you need to separate your emotions from
this situation and really thinkabout the consequences of such a
marriage. There is the possibility that he may become Muslim and never
practice. This has happened to many Muslim women, who often find
themselves wishing that they'd considered the long-term. Or, he may
end up being a very sincere Muslim. Only AllahMost High knows what is
in his heart.
What you must do is be the best example of a Muslima to him. Show him
by your character and conduct the right way to do things: the way that
is most pleasingto Allah.
Turn to Allah with your hopes and prayers. Make istikhara, the
guidance prayer. You can view the details at:
http://qa.sunnipath.com /issue_view.asp?HD=1& ID=1056&CATE=4.
Last, but certainly not least, please consult yourfamily. You
absolutely need to involve them in this process. I've witnessed the
heartbreak that can ensue when a Muslim woman picks a spouse
completely against the wishes of her family. Please consider your
family's feelings.

Fathwa, - My Husband Doesn'tWant Children Now

Question:
wI am 25 and my husband is 28. We have been married 9 months and are
both working but living with relatives. We are planning inshaAllah to
move on our own in January. Thing is I really very much want to start
having children soon, but my husband wants to wait2 or more years.
I''m really unhappy with this decision. His reason is he wants us to
save money and possibly continue his studies, pay his debts and save
for our future. I''m very happy with my husband and our marriage but
I''m very much desiring to be a mother sooner rather than later.
Shouldn''t he have more trust in Allah?
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Praise be to Allah.
May the peace and blessings of Allah showerupon our beloved Messenger.
Dear Sister,
The key to resolving this situation is to maintain open, loving
communication with your spouse. A woman's heart may yearn for
children, while her husband may want to wait. Sometimes the reverse is
true: he's ready right away and she wants to wait.
I know that the maternalurge is very strong. But it's also important
to consider both the short and the long term. An important decision
such as this one should be mutual.
I do suggest that you give your husband a little more time for the
simple reason that you are still newlyweds. Becoming parents
completely changes your life. It is very beneficial for husband and
wife to establish a firm marital foundation and a solid relationship
before having children. Then when the stresses of parenthood come into
play, husband and wife have a repository of strength, love, and
friendship to draw upon.
Trust me, having kids canbe stressful, albeit the stress is good
stress. Takethis time to enjoy each other and the activities that
become very difficult or even impossible to do once you start a
family.
It's also important to make your expectations very clear to your
husband. While you may be willing to wait a while, let him know that
you don't want to hold off indefinitely. Now is the time to understand
how the female body works. Most women are in their childbearing prime
in their 20s. After awoman reaches age 30 or 35, her fertility begins
to decline and conception does becomemore difficult. So it's a good
idea to set a date so to speak and look forward to the anticipation of
conception and parenthood. It's a wonderful thing to plan for.
I don't think it's an issue of your husband not trusting in Allah Most
High enough. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You live with
relatives, and he wants to continue his studies. When you have your
own family, you will definitely want your own space. I think he's also
being prudent to consider your finances. Having children requires some
income. For example, there's the cost of prenatal care, your hospital
stay, decorating the nursery, laying in all those supplies, as well as
your child's well-baby visits. It is actually in your future child's
or children's best interests for Mom and Dad to be as prepared as
possible.
Last, but certainly not least, both of you should make istikhara. Turn
to Allah Most High for guidance in all situations; Allah willing you
will make the best decision. And emphasize the sunna of our
belovedMessenger, may Allah bless him and grant him peace. The Prophet
lovedchildren and taught his Ummah to be kind and generous to the
young. Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that
Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said, "When a man dies, accrual
of merit in his favor from good deeds ceases except from three
actions: 1. A charity which continues after hisdeath; 2. Knowledge
left behind from which men continue to benefit, and 3. Righteous
offspring who pray for him." (Muslim 4005)

The Prophet's acts of worship during Hajj -II

4- Heeding Allaah's hudood )limits(
Heeding Allaah's limits is the highest degree of piety. It is an
indication of true belief, and a sign of perfect submission to Allaah.
The Prophetmore than anyone else, was a strict observant of Allaah's
limits. Hewas the most devout of all, and used to glorify Allaah's
sanctities more than any one else, as was seen on many occasions
during Hajj. For example, when heoffered Hady, out of consideration
for his companions he did not end his Ihraam, although he ordered
those who did not offer Hady to end theirs, and to perform
Umrahsimultaneously with the Hajj. However, having interpreted his
order merely as a non-obligatory permission, they kept their Ihraam.
Expressing their desire tostay in the state of Ihraam, some of them
said "Do we come to 'Arafah after having sex with our wives?" Upon
hearing this, the Prophetresponded:"You know for sure that I am more
devout, more truthful, and more righteous than any of you. Yet, had I
not offered Hady, I would have ended my state of Ihraam. You,
therefore, should end your state of Ihraam."]Al-Bukhaari[
5- His tranquility and submission to Allaah
Presence of the heart, and submissiveness to Allaah, Almighty, can be
attained only through tranquility and strict discipline of the senses.
The outer appearance in this regard, is an indication of the inner
reality. In his Hajj, the Prophetcombined both elements: Firstly,
heattained a presenceof the heart. Nothing could diverthis attention
away from his rituals, or from showing submission and humility to
Allaah. Standing with his hands raised close to his chest, he
privately offered his supplication for extended periods of time.
Secondly, all of the Prophet'ssenses were full of submission and
surrender to Allaah, Almighty. He would walk quietly in reverence and
tranquility goingabout his rituals. Jaabirreported: "The
Prophetperformed Al-Ifaadhah in tranquility." ]Al-Bukhaari[ Ibn
'Abbaasreported that as he and the Prophetwere movingtogether on the
Day of 'Arafah, they heard loud noises, clatteringand roars of camels.
The Prophetthen pointed his whip at the people and said: "Be quiet;
haste is no indication of righteousness!" ]At-Tirmithi[
6- Doing plenty of good deeds
Not only did the Prophetenjoined good, hewas also keen on doing the
same during the Hajj. This is manifest in his performance of all the
favorable Hajj rituals. He performed Ghusl)ritual body wash( before
assuming Ihraam, wore perfume upon assuming and ending
it,]Al-Bukhaari[, marked and garlanded the sacrificial animal, and
frequently recited talbiyah aloud until hehad cast the
Jamaratul-'Aqabah )'Aqabah Stone(. ]Al-Bukhaari[ He also started
Tawaaf as soon as he entered the House, ]Al-Bukhaari[, walked briskly
in Tawaaf, touched the two corners of the Ka'bah, offered two Rak'ahs
of Tawaaf behind Maqaam Ibraaheem )Ibraaheem's station(,]Muslim[,
supplicated Allaah on the hills of Safaa and Marwah, ranin the middle
of the valley, supplicated upon touching the two corners and while
throwing the jamaraat ]Al-Bukhaari[. There are many other acts that
heperformed.
7- His moderation and equanimity
Islam encourages moderation and censures exaggeration. In fact
equanimity was the most significant attitude of the Prophetin the
Hajj. Heabhorred exaggeration—hedid neither too much nor too little.
Two acts of worship can be stressed in this regard. Firstly, headopted
a happy medium between his acts of worship]Al-Bukhaari[, and his
responsibility as a leader of the Muslims. However, hedid not neglect
his duty to his wives and his household who needed care and affection.
Secondly, healso took equal care of his body and soul. This is a very
important point, as the awe-inspiring surroundings of the Hajj may
compel many people to observe the spiritual and entirely forget the
physical side of their being. The Prophethowever, took very good care
of his body. For example, on Tarwyah Day hemoved closer to Mina in
order to be near 'Arafah ]Muslim[; slept during the nights of 'Arafah
and Muzdalifah ]Al-Bukhaari[; took breakfast on the Day of
'Arafah]Al-Bukhaari[; but did not offer supererogatory prayers
]Muslim[. Hetook shelter in a dome made from camel hair erected
especially for him, moved between the sacred sites]Al-Bukhaari[, and
performed some of the Hajj rituals riding on camelback ]Muslim[.
Furthermore, he even had someone who served and helped him. ]Ibn
Maajah[
8- Renouncement of the present life
The Prophetrenounced the present life and rejected all that was not
vital for the Hereafter. There are countless examples of his
denunciatory attitude towards the present life. Listed are but a few:
Heused an old, shabby camel saddled with a piece of velvet hardly
worth four Dirhams )silver currency(. Heallowed Usaamah Ibn Zaydto
ride behind him on his camel back from 'Arafah to Muzdalifah, and
allowed Al-Fadhl Ibn 'Abbaasto ride behind him from Muzdalifah to
Mina. ]Al-Bukhaari[