Power of Positive Talk or Avoiding Toxic Self-Talk (Negative Talking)

Allah (SWT) the Exalted says in Noble Qur'an: "O you who believe! Be
careful of (your duty to) Allah and speak the right word." (33:70)
I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young
age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our
mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming
factor in lifelong success.
One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a
kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around
upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no
surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging
back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree
could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so
high.
My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree.She was hanging on
the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also
noticed us atthe exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of
wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and
the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the windyell,
"Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did.
The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her
lungs, laying flat on the ground.She had fallen out of the tree.
I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell
and I did not. Apparently,when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind,
she yelled out, "Tammy, don'tfall!" And Tammy did fall.
My dad then explained tome that the mind has a very difficult time
processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal
pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process
the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first
imagine falling, then try to tell thebrain not to do what it just
imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal
image of me hanging on tightly.
This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a
habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only
way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a
word for what you want to do andvisualize that. For example, when I
was thirteen years old, I played for my junior highschool football
team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together
at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was
running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the
ball.
My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "Self-Talk."
They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll
never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football
player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me
to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just
climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.
Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends
the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil.
Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Sayto them,
"Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observewhat they do.
Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor.
You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the
pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil
and pretend tobe in excruciating pain while their hand tries butfails
to drop the pencil.
The point is made. If you tell your brain you will"give it a try," you
are actually telling your brainto fail. I have a "no try" rule in my
house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it or
they won't. Eitherthey will be at the party or they won't. I'm brutal
when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they think
I don't know they are really telegraphing to theworld they have no
intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for
pretended effort? You will never hear the words"I'll try" come out of
my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in aseminar.
If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission
not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the
truth. "Sorry John. I'mnot sure if I will be at your party or not.
I've gotan outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be
here, Insha Allah. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."
People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.
My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen
positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea
if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen
compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.
These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.
Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus
howmany criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day
long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.
So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you short changing
yourself with toxic self-talk like, "I'm fat. Nobody will like me.
I'll try this diet. I'm not goodenough. I'm so stupid. I'mbroke, etc.
etc."
If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong
statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily
basis with your own internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic
Vocabulary words. Notice when you or other people use them.
*.BUT: Negates any wordsthat are stated before it.
*.TRY: Presupposes failure.
*.IF: Presupposes that youmay not.
*.MIGHT: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.
*.WOULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen.
*.SHOULD HAVE: Past tensethat draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen (and implies guilt.)
*.COULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen but theperson tries to take credit as if it did
happen.
*.CAN'T/DON'T: These words force the listenerto focus on exactly the
opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and
coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.
Examples:
*.Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
*.Likely result: Drops the ball
*.Better language: "Catch the ball!"
*.Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
*.Likely result: Watches more television.
*.Better language: "I readtoo much television makes people stupid. You
might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of
thosebooks more often!"
Exercise:
*.Take a moment to writedown all the phrases you use on a daily basis
or any Toxic Self-Talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write
these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur
and change them.
Forge a positive relationship with the world around you and the world
will become a better place for you to live. And remember: Make
positive Self-Talk a daily practice.

Ramadan Article - Virtues of ‘Umrah Performed in Ramadan

Ibn 'Abbaasnarrated,"When the Prophetreturned after performing Hajj
)major pilgrimage(, he asked Umm Sinaan Al-Ansaariyyah,'Why did you
not perform Hajj?'She replied, 'The father of so-and-so]i.e., her
husband[ had two camels and he went on pilgrimage on one of them, and
the second is used for the irrigation of our land.' The Prophetsaid
]to her[:'An 'Umrah )minor pilgrimage( in Ramadan is akin to Hajj with
me]in terms of reward[.'"]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ According to another
narration, he told her:"When Ramadan comes, do 'Umrah as ]the
rewardfor[ it then is equivalent to Hajj."
Likewise, it was reported by Umm Ma'qilthat the Prophet,, said to
her,"Perform 'Umrah in Ramadan, as it is equal toHajj."]Abu Daawood[
SimilarHadeeths werealso narrated on the authority of Jaabir, Anas,
Abu Hurayrah and Wahb ibn Khanbashall.
Ibn Battaalcommented on the aforementionedHadeeths, saying:
The sentence that'Umrah"then is equivalent to Hajj", proves thatthe
Prophet,, was actually encouraging her to perform a voluntaryHajj, as
the wholeUmmah)Muslim nation( has unanimously agreed that the'Umrahcan
never be a substitute for the obligatoryHajj. Moreover, what he,,
meant is that they are like each other in reward, butvirtues cannot
truly be perceived through analogy; and Allaah The Almighty bestows
His Bounty upon whom He Wills.
Benefits and rulings ]derived from theseHadeeths[:
1-The mercy and bounty bestowed by Allaah The Almightyupon His slaves
is great, as He granted them huge rewards in return for small good
deeds; so, we praise Him abundantly for that.
2-The Prophet,, was keen on ensuring the welfare of hisUmmahand would
ask after those under his rule. Just as he was the sincerest confidant
to allpeople, any slave whom Allaah The Almighty puts in charge of
subjects should treat them leniently, advise them, check on their
conditions and serve their worldly and religious benefits.
3-'Umrahdone during the monthofRamadancannot be a substitute for the
obligatoryHajj, i.e., they are equal in reward, but the former does
not replace the latter as a fulfillment of the obligation that is
unanimously agreed upon by the scholars.
4-The reward of good deeds increases in proportion to the virtue of
the time they are performed in, as well as one's heartfelt devotion
and dedication.
5-ThisHadeethis similar to the narration that says,"The Chapter
Al-Ikhlaas )Purification( equals one third of the Quran"; it indicates
that it is equivalent in terms of the reward of recitation,not that
reciting it could, or should, substitute actually reciting ]that much
or[ the wholeof the Quran.
6-The'Umrahhere is considered equal to theHajjin reward, when it is
performed during the monthofRamadan, which is a great season for good
deeds. Hence, whoever performs it then, enjoysthe virtue of the place
]i.e., the Sacred Mosque in Makkah[ and time ]i.e.,Ramadan[; this is
also the case with one who performsHajj, as he is also in the same
holy place and in a blessed time]i.e., months ofHajj[.
In addition, doing'Umrahin the month ofRamadanis more difficult. That
is because one maybe fasting while performing it or break his fast due
to the traveling involved, and then have to make up for it. This is
not the case when one performs'Umrahduring any other month. The
Prophet,, said to 'Aa'ishahonce, when he ordered her to
perform'Umrah,"It ]i.e., its reward[ is according to your effort", or,
as per another narration,"according to your expenditure."]Muslim[
7-This great reward is granted towhoever performs the'Umrahduring the
month ofRamadan, even if he ]or she[ returns immediately thereafter
and does not prolong his ]or her[ stay in Makkah.
8-TheseHadeethsdo not mean that it is recommended for one to
perform'Umrahmany times inthe month ofRamadanor in a single day of it.
This practice, which has become common today, differs from
theSunnahand traditions of the honorable Companionsas it was not
reported that any of them used to perform many'Umrahs duringthe same
journey to Makkah.
9-Whoever performs'UmrahinRamadanand intends to stay at the Holy
Mosque during the whole month or its last ten nights, should guard
himself against committing any prohibition, because evil deeds are
more sacrilegious in Makkah than in any other place, not to mention,
during the month ofRamadan.
10-Whoever takes his family to stay at the Holy Mosque during the
month ofRamadan, should take care that they, too, do not fall into
committing any forbidden act; otherwise, he may return with sins that
exceed the reward he came to earn, due to his negligence towards his
wife and children.
11-If one entered the state ofIhraam)ritual consecration( with the
intention of performing'Umrahand reached Makkah while fasting, he has
the choice of either breaking his fast to be able to do it immediately
or waiting to do it until after sunset. It is better for him to break
his fast during the daytimeand perform'Umrahupon arrival,since
doing'Umrahright after reaching Makkah, is what the Prophet,, did.

Ramadan Article - Sexual Intercourse During the Day in Ramadan

Abu Hurayrahsaid,
While we were sitting with the Propheta man came and said, "O
Messenger of Allaah, I amruined!" The Messenger of Allaahasked:"What
is the matter with you?"He replied, "I had sexual intercourse with my
wife while I was fasting." The Messenger of Allaahasked him:"Can you
afford to manumit a slave?"He replied in the negative. The Messenger
of Allaahasked him:"Can you fast for two successive months?"He replied
in the negative. The Prophetasked him:"Can you afford to feed sixty
poor persons?"He replied in the negative. The Prophetremained silent
and while we were in that state, a big basket full of dates was
brought to the Prophet. He asked:"Where is the questioner?"He replied,
"It's me." The Prophet said ]to him[:"Take this )basket of dates( and
distribute it in charity."The man said, "Should I give it to a person
poorer than I? By Allaah, there is no household between its )i.e.
Madeenah's( two mountains thatis poorer than my household." The
Prophetsmiled until his pre-molar teeth became visible and then
said:"Feed your family with it."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Benefits and rulings:
First:Whoever has sexual intercourse during the day inRamadanwithout
an excuse suchas traveling, forgetfulness or compulsion has disobeyed
Allaah The Almighty. Such a person must repent and abstain from food,
drink and sexual intercourse until sunset. The fasting of that day
becomes invalid and the due expiation must be observed.
Second:The form of expiation is to be decided in the following order;
first to manumit a slave, but if this is not possible or affordable,
then two successive months are to be fasted if the person has the
capability of doing so; otherwise, sixty poor persons are to be fed.
Third:The permissibility of informing others about the intimate
relations between the spouses in case of necessity.
Fourth:If a person who has sinned seeks aFatwa)ruling( concerning his
sin, he is not considered to be declaring his sin.
Fifth:One should be kind to thosewho have yet to learn and gentle
enough to draw them near to the religion. Acts of disobediencemust be
regretted over and fear of Allaah The Almighty must be present.
Sixth:The permissibility of giving the value of an expiation to a
single household.
Seventh:Thekeenness of the Companionsfor the purification of their
souls and saving themselves them from thecauses of punishment.
Eighth:If the expiator is poor, he or she and his or her poor
household may eat from the foodoffered as an expiation.
Ninth:A husband must provide for his family even if he is poor. Imaam
Al-Bukhaarientitled a chapter for thisHadeeth"Baab nafaqat al-mu'sir
'ala ahlihi)Chapter: The Obligation of Providing for One's Family Upon
its Male Head – Even if He is Poor.("
Tenth:This heavy expiation is exclusively for those who break their
fast by having sexual intercourse during the day inRamadan, and not
for those whobreak their fast by eating and drinking early, and this
is the opinion of Shaafi'i and Hanbali scholars and the adopted one.
Onthe other hand, the Hanafi and Maaliki scholars are of the opinion
that this heavy expiation is also applicable to those who break their
fast by eating and drinking early as well.
Eleventh:A mention of the joy that a leader feels at the fulfillment
of the worldly and Hereafter needs of his subjects.
Twelfth:It is permissible for a person to complain about his
conditions to those who can helphim as long as the complaint is not
said out of dissatisfaction with the decree of Allaah.
Thirteenth:If a person has sexualintercourse once of more during the
same day inRamadanand does not expiate, he should offer a single
expiation only. There is no difference among scholars regarding this
point.
Fourteenth:Having sexual intercourse on two days during the days
ofRamadannecessitatesthe offering of an expiation for each
day.However, Shaykh Ibn Jibreenheld a different opinion stating that
if a person has had intercourse on two days inRamadanand has not
expiatedfor one of them, then it is permissible for him to observe a
single expiation for the two days.
Fifteenth:If a person nullifies his fasting by having sexual
intercourse during a day in whichhe was fasting as makeup for a missed
day inRamadan, then thefasting becomes invalid and this day should be
made up for, but he should not offer any additional expiation as that
expiation )fasting sixty continuous days( is for the violation of the
sanctity of the month ofRamadan, according tothe sounder opinion, and
which does not apply to any other type of makeup day.
Sixteenth:If dawn breaks while a Muslim is having sexual intercourse
and if he immediatelystops, then his fast will be valid. If he
continues, then he commits a sin and should repent, offer thedue
expiation )mentioned above( and abstain from eating, drinking, and
having intercourse for the rest of the day.
Seventeenth:Whoever breaks his fast by eating or drinking during the
day inRamadanin order to have sexual intercourse has committed a sin
due to breaking his fast without a valid excuse and due to adopting
deceptive ways of evadingSharee'ahrulings. Such a person is
nonetheless not exempted from the defined expiation and must offer it.
Eighteenth:The flexibility and easiness of theSharee'ah. This is clear
in the case of this man, whocommitted a grave sin inRamadanand came in
a state of fear to the Prophet,, saying,"I am ruined."The words of
this man indicated his regret and repentance; consequently, Allaah
accepted his repentance and the Prophet,, gave him food to expiate for
his sin. In the end, he gave the expiatory food to his own household
due to their poverty, and therefore, the Prophet,, smiled.
Nineteenth:If a person does not realize that it is a day inRamadanand
has sexual intercourse, then the sounder opinion is that he need not
offer expiation.
Twentieth:If a person has sexual intercourse while in a state of
forgetfulness, his fasting is valid and neither expiation nor makingup
for the fast is due on him.

Ramadan Article - Virtuous deeds During Ramadan

The month of Ramadan isa great opportunity for devout worshippers to
utilize their days in reciting the Quran and teaching others and
utilizing their nights in feeding the needy, supplicating and
praying.The one whose today is exactly like his yesterday without any
improvement, is truly deprived.
A Muslim must utilize this blessed month to perform as many good deeds
as he can, and should strive to be in better condition during this
month than he was before it, and should be keen to become even better
after it, as this is how our righteous Salaf were.
Hammad Ibn Salamahsaid: "Whenever we went to see Sulaymaan At-Taymee
during a time during which one can be performing an act of obedience
we would find him performing some act of worship. If it was time to
pray he would be praying, if it was not he would either performing
ablution, visiting a sick person, following a funeral precession or
sitting in the mosque awaiting theprayer. People believed that this
man could neverdisobey Allaah"
Righteous deeds that the prophetand his companionsused to perform
during this great month were many, and the following are some of these
deeds:
Qiyaam )optional night prayers(:Abu Hurayrahreported that the
Prophetsaid:"Whoever establishes prayers during the nightsof Ramadan
out of sincere faith and hoping to attain Allaah's rewards, all his
previous sins will be forgiven"]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[. Ibn Jurayjsaid:
"I accompanied 'Ataa' Ibn Abi Rabaahfor eighteen years, and he
continued to pray two hundred verses from chapter Al-Baqarah without
moving at all during his prayer despitehim reaching a very old age"
Supplication:The revelation of the verse ofsupplication
immediatelyafter the verses mandating the fast of Ramadan is a clear
indication of the importance of this act of worship during this month.
Allaah Says )what means(:"And when My slaves ask you, ]O Muhammad[,
concerning Me-indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the
supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me ]by
obedience[ and believe in Me that they may be]rightly[ guided."]Quran:
2: 186[. Supplication is the essence of worship and it indicates how
much man is in need of his Lord during all situations; it is named
"worship" in the text of the Quran as Allaah Says)what means(:"And
your Lord says, Call upon Me; I will respond to you." Indeed, those
who disdain My worship will enter Hell ]rendered[ contemptible"]Quran
40: 60[
I'tikaaf )i.e. residing in the mosque with the intention of
worship(:Ibn 'Umarreported:"The Prophetused to do I'tikaaf during the
lastten days of Ramadan"]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[.Ibn
Al-Qayyimsaid:"The rectification of the heart revolves around the
slave focusing himself to please Allaah and fulfill His commands.
Moreover, unnecessary talking, eating, drinking and socializing weaken
the heart and divert it from its objective. Due to this, Allaah has
legislated fasting so that the slave abandons unnecessary eating and
drinking; and legislated I'tikaaf so that the slave's heart is focused
on Allaah alone and is detached from people and is exclusively devoted
to Allaah"
Generosity and recitationof the Quran:Ibn 'Abbaasstated:"The
Prophetwas the most generous of all the people, and he was the most
generous during the month of Ramadan when Jibreel met him. Jibreel
used to meet him every night of Ramadan to teach him the Quran, and
when he met him, hewould be more generous than the
stronguncontrollable wind )i.e. in readiness and haste to do
charitable deeds("]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[.Ramadan is the month of
Quran, and thus one is supposed to exert extra efforts in reciting the
Quran. This is how our righteous Salafused to be; many of them usedto
finish the entire Quranonce every three nights during the optional
nightprayers, while others used to finish it every seven days. Some of
them used to finish it every two days, and yet some would finish it
all in a single day. Ibn Rajabsaid:"The prohibitionof not reciting the
Quran in less than three days is when one does this continuously, but
during virtuous times like the month of Ramadan, or virtuous places
like Makkah, one is encouraged to take advantage of this opportunity
and recite asmuch as he can"'Abdur-Razzaaqsaid:"Whenever the month of
Ramadan arrived, Imaam Sufyaanconcentratedonly on reciting the Quran
and left other acts of worship"
Performing 'Umrah:Ibn `Abbaasreported that the Messenger of Allaahsaid
to one of the women from the residents of Al-Madeenah:"When Ramadan
comes, go and perform 'Umrah, as doingso is equivalent to performing
Hajj"]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Refraining from backbiting and other sins:Abu Hurayrahreported that
the Messenger of Allaahsaid:"Whoever does not give up false speech and
evil actions, Allaah is not in need of his leaving his food and
drink."]Al-Bukhaari[ Fasting is a great opportunity to giveup smoking,
evil company, late nights andother sins, as it trains oneto stick to
the mosque more than any other place.
Feeding the needy and poor:Allaah Says )what means(:"And they give
food in spite of love for itto the needy, the orphan,and the captive.
]Saying[,"We feed you only for the Countenance ]i.e. approval[ of
Allaah. We wish not from you reward or gratitude. Indeed, We fear from
ourLord a Day austere and distressful." So Allaah willprotect them
from the evil of that Day and give them radiance and happiness. And
will reward them for what they patiently endured]with[ a garden ]in
Paradise[ and silk]garments[."]Quran 76: 8-12[ Zayd Ibn Khaalid
Al-Jahnireported that the Messenger of Allaahsaid:"He who gives a
fasting person somethingwith which to break his fast will have a
reward equal to his )i.e. the fasting person( without his reward being
diminished in any respect."]At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah[