The Distorted Image of Muslim Women

Since the height of the feminist movement in thelate 70's there has
been amagnifying glass placed over the status of Muslim women.
Unfortunately, the magnifying glass thathas been used is an unusual
one. Unusual in the sense that it is very selective about which items
it will magnify; other items it will distort to such a degree that
they will no longer look familiar. I remember once reading in an "in
depth" article about the lives of Muslim women. This article
"explained" that at any time a man can divorce his wife by simply
stating "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you". This article
can lead anyone ignorantof the Islamic ruling regarding divorce to
believe that in less than five seconds the woman is left with no
husband and is left to care for herself (and possibly children) by any
means necessary. The question that immediately poppedup in my mind
was, "Did the author innocently write that out of sincere ignorance or
was it another of the many attempts to degrade the religion of Islam
and its followers (muslims)?" It may be my own paranoia, but I tend to
believe it was the latter of the two.
The truth of the matter is that Islam has the most humane and most
just system of divorce that exists. Firstly, many options are taken
and tried before coming to the decision of the divorce. If the man and
woman decide that they can no longer live together successfully as a
husband and wife, the husband (in most cases, not always) pronounces
the divorce by saying "I divorce you". At this point the waiting
period begins. The waiting period lasts for three menstrual cycles to
assure the woman is not pregnant. This period allows the couple time
to think about what they are doing and if this is what they really
want to do. There are no lawyers involved to antagonise an already
delicate situation.
In the case that it is realised, that the woman is pregnant, the
waiting period lasts the entire time she is pregnant. During the
waiting period (whether the woman is pregnant or not) the man is
obligatedto provide food, clothing and shelter to the woman as he did
before the divorce pronouncement. If the couple carries the divorce
through to the birth of the child and the woman suckles the baby, the
man is obligated to feed and clothe both his ex-wife for the time the
woman suckles (the maximum being two years). After this weaning, the
child will be provided for by the father until he/she is no longer in
need of support.
It is quite ironic that in such an "advanced society" as America,
thereare divorce cases in which women are being forced to pay alimony
to their ex-husbands. Can this and many other things we know about the
American system of divorce compare to the Islamic system of divorce?
I have also read stories wherein it is stated that women are forced to
marry men without their consent. This in no way resembles the marriage
system in Islam. In Islaam the woman marries the man of her choice.
She may even marry someonethat her mother and/or father objects to.
The point is that it is the woman who makes the final decision as to
whomshe will marry. Once the man and the woman decide that they are
interested in one anotherfor marriage, a dowry is decided upon. A
dowry isnot a brides price but, it is a gift from the groom to the
bride. They agree upon a gift that is affordable by the groom. In the
time of the Prophet (sas), often things such as livestock and money
were given. This is a wise decision in the event that a woman becomes
divorced or widowed, she has some financial security to fall back on
even if it is for a limited amount of time. Once the man and woman are
married, the man is required to clothe,feed, shelter and educateher
(or allow her to be educated) in the same manner as he does himself.
The last distorted image that I will cover is that of the Muslim
women's dress. The western influenced media portrays our dress to be
outdated and oppressive.Needless to say however, I differ with these
adjectives. Our dress codedoes not hinder us from doing anything
productive in our lives. Muslim women maintain a variety of jobs, non
of which are devalued nor hampered due to their dress code. And as for
thetiming of muslims women's dress during these contemporary times, it
seems most appropriate due to decreasing morals in the world today.
For those who say that Islamic dress is outdated, they speak from
great ignorance. The decreasing morality and trials of this time makes
Hijaab even more in need. More than ever before sex crimes are
rampant. Although this society tells women they can wear what they
wantto wear, anytime a rape occurs the woman is the one put on trial
an one ofthe first questions is,"What were you wearing?" This concept
seems as though it is a set up directed against the so called
contemporary woman. Also there is a direct correlation between the
respect a man has for a woman and the amount of her body her body she
displays flauntingly.
In conclusion, I hope this article helped to clear up some
distorted/misunderstood aspects of Islam and women. Women in Islam are
respected and held inhigh regard. We will never find success
and/orsolutions to our problemsuntil we realise that Allaah knows best
and that this disbelieving society will ruin itself.

Advice to women regarding marriage – II

What to do upon receiving a proposal:
The young woman should pray Istikhaarah (i.e., the Prayer of Guidance)
and not to ask others to pray it on her behalf, as some women do, as
this is a baseless act and an innovation in the religion. Furthermore,
she shouldseek the advice of trustworthy people and inquire about the
person.
Imaam Ahmad reported the story of Julaybeeb who was sent by the
Prophet to one of the families of the Ansaar (i.e., the residents of
Madeenah) to give him their daughter in marriage. Julaybeeb was very
impoverished and so the young woman's mother reused the offer, but the
young woman spoke out and agreed to marry him because he was sent to
her by the Prophet himself. The result was that she never suffered in
any way, and that there was no other woman of the Ansaar who was
wealthier than her. This is because Julaybeeb was killed in the very
next battle that occurred after his marriage, having killed seven
disbelievers in it. Upon finding his body, the Prophet carried him and
buried him with his own hands. He also supplicated for the widow,
saying: "O Allaah! Pour Your blessings upon her and do not make her
suffer in life." It was due to this supplication that she never
suffered, in any way, and that there was no woman from the Ansaar
wealthier than her.
If the man proposing wishes thathis future wife give up her studies or
job after marriage, andhe is a suitable man, then this should not
hamper the marriage.Also, if the man finds such a young woman to be a
suitable one, he should not reconsider marrying her due to this, as he
could marry her and then convince her after marriage to give it up.
Similarly, the family and the young woman should not refuse a proposal
from a man due to him having children from a previous marriage.
Some young women overlook certain matters, such as the man's looks and
wealth, only to have misgivings and regret their decision later.
Therefore, the young woman should be absolutely sure before giving her
approval and be honest with herself when she makes her decision.
Moreover, she should becontent with him based on religious
convictions. Some women always advise their friends regarding the
matter of being a second wife, stating that it is an integral part of
Islaam and that they should not refuse aman simply because he is
already married; however, when they themselves get married as second
wives, they act very differently to the advice they gaveothers, due to
their covetousness.
The young woman should be a facilitating factor in her marriage;she
should, for example, refuse to set unbearable conditions or a high
dowry, but if her family insists, then she should nominally agree and
then relieve her husband of such difficulties later on.
Some women behave arrogantly towards their husbands due to holding
advanced degrees, having a noble lineage, the wealth of their
families, or their beauty. The result of this arrogance is that they
act rebelliously towards their husbands and thus acquire sin.
Fears of some young women in the process of marriage:
Some young women fear the imminent loss of their close friends and
sisters due to their impending marriage. This may cause them to hate
the future husband, perhaps causing them, prior to the wedding night,
to goas far as to seek to annul the marriage contract.
This could happen for many reasons, such as:
Improperly assessing the consequences of such actions.
Having an irresponsible and reckless attitude.
Favouring the joy of the short term over the long term one of having
children and the establishment of a happy marital life.
Also, the husband should not deprive his wife of her female friends
and relatives. The Prophet would allow the female friends of 'Aa'ishah
to visit her.
When a young woman is being proposed to, she should educate herself
about the rulings of marriage, the rights of the husband, the rights
of the wife, and how to live in kindness and harmony with her spouse.
On theother hand, she should not concern herself with studying
thesexual aspects of marital life untilthe marriage contract is
completed.
The wife's role in her home :
This is to serve her husband, bear, nurse, and nurture his children,
and be a housewife.
If a woman is used to being immersed in the study and propagation of
Islaam, and then marries whilst not clearly having in mind a role as a
wife, she may begin feeling, very shortly after marriage, that her new
role as a wife is a trivial one. This may cause her to begin leaving
her house to resume her former lifestyle. It is vital, however, that
she understand her role and obligation as a wife and the reward of
fulfilling them. Anas reported that the Prophet said : "If a woman
prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month(i.e. the month of
Ramadhaan), guards her private parts and obeys her husband, she will
enterParadise from any of its gates that she wishes." [Abu Nu'aym]
The married woman must persevere through the hardships of pregnancy,
pre-delivery contractions and the agony of the delivery itself. Some
women refuse to go through such hardships and take birth control pills
to prevent pregnancy, or, if they do get pregnant, prefer a caesarean
section over a normal delivery.
'Amr Ibn Hijr married Kindah Bint 'Awf Ash-Shaybaani . On her wedding
night, her mother, Umaamah Bint Al-Haarith took her aside and advised
her: "Dear daughter! You are leaving the environment which you are
accustomed to and departing from the place you grew up in to a partner
whom you are unfamiliar with. If a woman had no need of a husband due
to her parents sufficing her, then you would be the last person to
require a husband, but women were created to be the partners of men,
and men were created to be the partners of women. Act like his slave,
and he will become like your slave. Uphold the following ten matters
and you will find them to be provisions: The first and second are to
be content with what he provides and to listen to and obey him. The
third and the fourth are to make sure that all he sees and smells from
you are pleasing to him, so he should not see you in a displeasing
appearance, nor smell anything but a fine fragrance from you. The
fifth and the sixth are to comfort him in his sleep and food, because
repeated hunger and lack of sleep will enflame his anger. The seventh
and the eighth are to protect his wealth and take care of his
children; the focal point regarding wealth is to have good judgement
in spending it, and that regarding the children is to properly nurture
them. The ninth and the tenth are to not disobey his commands or
disclose his secrets, because when you disobey him you intimidate him,
and if you disclose his secrets youwould not know what he may doto
you. Do not be joyful in front of him when he is upset, or express
sadness if he is happy."
'Abdullaah Ibn Ja'far addressed his daughter saying: "Avoid jealousy,
as it is the key to your divorce; avoid complaint, as it instigates
anger; adorn yourselffor him, and make sure you washaway any bad
odours by frequentbathing."
Pre-marital errors on the part of women:
Freely talking to males on the telephone and being open with male relatives.
Being over confident and rejecting many of those who propose.
Not differentiating between wisdom and fast rejection.
Not having the criterion by whichto judge the proposing person clearly in mind.
Finally, many young women wish to get married but they waste their
time daydreaming and wishfully thinking about the idealhusband. This
is all fruitless; the best way for them to attain a good husband would
be to busy themselves in supplicating to Allaah to provide such a
person.

Advice to women regarding marriage – I

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said: "If a man whose religious
commitment and moral conduct you approve of proposes for marriage to
your daughter, then marry her to him; otherwise, trials will prevail
and great corruption will spread upon the earth." [At-Tirmithi & Ibn
Maajah] Imaam As-Sindi commented upon this narration, saying: "A
person's religious commitment assures fulfilling hisobligations, and
his good moral conduct assures his kind treatment of others."
The spread of corruption and evil is the natural result of people
refusing to marry their daughtersoff to men whose religious practice
and morals are good, preferring instead to delay and marry them to
those with more wealth, or from a more honourable lineage. This
results in many young men and women remaining unmarried, which causes
fornication to prevail, immorality to overwhelm, and chastity to
vanish.
Imaam At-Teebi said: "This narration supports the ruling of Imaam
Maalik over the others, in which he (i.e. Maalik) said that competence
for marriage should be based only on religious commitment and moral
conduct."
Some scholars have stated that if the guardian repeatedly rejects men
who propose for marriage to his daughter for no legitimate Islamic
reason, then this could nullify his guardianship over her.
Some women set impossible conditions for future husbands, such as him
memorising the entire Quran as well as the Hadeeth collections of
Al-Bukhaari, Muslim and so on. Moreover, some of them may even go as
far as to demand a man whose character is like that of Imaam
Al-Bukhaari .
This is totally incorrect; all a man has to meet are the two
conditions set in the abovementioned narration; namely, religious
commitment and a high moral character.
How can pious men and women be brought together in marriage?
The righteous men and women in the community should play a strong role
in this. For example, the wife could become a contact for the women
and the husband for the men. The young women should not give up the
condition of the man being religious on thepretext that they will work
on him and transform him to a pious man after marriage, unless the man
is known to adhere, in general, to his Islamic obligations, as well as
having noble morals and shunning sins. In such a case, he may be a
candidate worth considering.
People's stance when asked about the man proposing:
Some people, when asked about a man who is proposing to their
daughter, give general answers and avoid being precise. They say
things like: 'He is a nice man', 'He is a kind person', 'His father is
a good man and his grandfather was religious', 'Much good is expected
from him and he is handsome', 'He is polite and wealthy' and so on. It
is after the marriage takes place that the bitter reality surfaces and
the young woman come to know him for who he really is, only after it
is too late.
Others conceal the faults of the proposing man when asked about him
due to the fear of him,or what he may do if he found out, or because
they think that todo otherwise would be to backbite; but the Prophet
said, when asked by Faatimah Bint Qays about two Companions who had
proposed marriage to her: "Abu Jahm is a man who never lowers his
stick (i.e. he beats his wives), and as for Abu Sufyaan, he is
extremely poor and possesses nowealth." She said: "I like neither of
them" The Prophet said: "Marry Usaamah Bin Zayd" So she married him
and Allaah blessed their marriage, granting her a joyful life.
The one being asked should clarify everything he knows aboutthe person
who is proposing without exaggeration, and should fear Allaah
regarding what he says. He should mention his merits as well as his
faults; heshould mention only that which he is certain of and act as
if the young woman is his own daughter or sister. This is because
marriage is a long term commitment and not an interim one. Marriage is
a relationship that is meant to last until the grave, unless there is
a valid reason to end it; and divorce frequently occurs when people
marry their daughter to a person whom they do not know well enough.
The behaviour of some young women who seek marriage:
Some young women offer themselves in marriage to young men over the
telephone, which isdisastrous as the man may be a sinner, and some
sins are more lethal than others. For example, ifthe man deals in
Ribaa (i.e. interest or usury) then his and hisfamily's provision,
food, drinks and clothing will be ill-gotten. Moreover, even a sinner
would not typically marry a woman whooffers herself to him on the
telephone. He may play around with her for a while, but when heis
serious in his search for a wife, he will seek a chaste and
well-mannered woman. A man who had such a friend was amazed at seeing
him marrying ayoung woman who was fully adherent to the Hijaab; upon
asking why he did so, the friend replied: "I wish to marry a woman
whom I would be sure ofnot finding in bed with another man upon
returning home one day." This is how men perceive young women who
freely and easily talk to them on the telephone.
The young woman and her familyor guardian must investigate the man who
is proposing to her so that they can discover whether ornot he is
putting on an act in order to appear as if he is a committed Muslim.
Histories:
It is not a condition for either of them to inform the other of
theirprevious sins, especially if they have sincerely repented and
then adhered to piety.
The vitalness of transparency:
It is very important that both the man and the woman are clear with
one another from the very beginning and agree on everything before the
contract is finalised.
If the family refuses the proposing man to see the daughter, then he
should, at the very least, get a clear description of her.

'Aa'ishah: the mother of the believers

When the Prophet emigrated from Makkah to Al-Madeenah he was
accompanied by Abu Bakr ('Aa'ishah's father) who had the most
knowledge about the Quraysh -- both the good and badaspects. He was a
well-known honorable merchant to whom people came to seek and gain
more knowledge.
'Aa'ishah's mother was called Umm Rummaan bint 'Umayr bin 'Amer coming
from the sons of Al-Haarith bin Ghanam bin Ka'ab, and she was among
the first group who embraced Islam. She had been married to 'Abdullaah
bin 'Abdul-Asad before she married Abu Bakr, and she had a son from
her first husband called At-Tufayl, and she gave birth to 'Aa'ishah
and 'Abdur-Rahmaan from Abu Bakr . She emigrated to Al-Madeenah after
the establishment of Islam there. When she died, Abu Bakr said: "O
Allaah! You know best how Umm Rummaan was hurt for Your sake and the
sake of Your Prophet ."
The Prophet used to entrust 'Aa'ishah to Umm Rummaan's charge and say:
"O Umm Rummaan, be kind to 'Aa'ishah and be mindful of me by this
kindness."
In fact, the Prophet used to love the clean and pure household of Abu
Bakr because the man of the house -- Abu Bakr -- was a man who needed
no introduction; his character and lineage were not something to
inquire about.
The Messenger of Allaah thought about proposing to 'Aa'ishah for
marriage when Khawlah bint Haakim Al-Aslamiah said to him: "What do
you say about marrying 'Aa'ishah the daughter of Abu Bakr?"; he,
sallallaahu 'alayhi wasallam then moved his head in the affirmative,
saying yes. Then Khawlah went to Umm Rummaan to tell her the news and
said: "O Umm Rummaan, youcannot imagine how Allaah has blessed your
house!"
Khawlah said: "The Messenger of Allaah sent me to seek 'Aa'ishah for
marriage." Umm Rummaan said: "Wait for Abu Bakr, he is coming soon."
When Abu Bakr came back, Khawlah told him the news and he said: "Is
she suitable for him? She is his niece." Khawlah then went back to the
Prophet andtold him what Abu Bakr had told her, and he said: "Go back
and tell Abu Bakr that he is my brother in Islam and I am his, and his
daughter is good enough for me."
Abu Bakr thought deeply about this and then went to Mut'am bin'Uday,
who had proposed 'Aa'ishah for marriage to his son Jubayr. These
people were still disbelievers. When Abu Bakr entered their house,
they said: "O son of Abu Quhaafah, we fear that if our son married
your daughter 'Aa'ishah, then she would convince him of Islam and we
do not want this to happen."
Abu Bakr did not answer, buton the contrary he was very pleased with
that. In this way he was freed of their promise and he could give his
full agreement for the blessed marriage.
'Aa'ishah narrated how she became married to the Messenger of Allaah,
sallallaahu ''alayhi wa sallam, and said: "The Prophet came to our
house, and many people gathered there to meet him. Then my mother came
to me while I was playing, she took me to the door where the Prophet
was sitting. I wasso embarrassed and I melted in shyness. Then my
mother put mebeside the Prophet and said: "This is your wife, may
Allaah bless her for you, and bless you for her." People then left the
room, and at that night nothing was slaughtered for me and I was nine
years old at that time." Although she was young, she was a mature girl
who had reached puberty. People described 'Aa'ishah on her wedding day
and said: "She was animble, wide-eyed bride, with curly hair and a
shiny face."
Whereas Khadeejah was already a wise and mature woman when she married
the Prophet Muhammad 'Aa'ishah was a spirited young girl who still had
a great deal to learnwhen she married the Prophet . However, she was
very quickto learn, for she had a clear heart,a quick mind and an
accurate memory. She was not afraid to talk back in order to find out
the truth or make it known, and whenever she beat someone else in
argument, the Prophet would smile and say: "She is the daughter of Abu
Bakr!"
Moosaa bin Talhah once said: "I have not seen anyone more eloquent
than 'Aa'ishah." 'Aa'ishah became so wise that one of her
contemporaries used to say that if the knowledgeof 'Aa'ishah were
placed on one side of the scales and that of all other women on the
other, 'Aa'ishah's side would outweigh the others. She used to sit
with the other women and pass on the knowledge that she had received
from the Prophet . She was a source of knowledge and wisdom for both
women andmen long after the Prophet died and as long as she lived.
AbuMoosaa once said: "Whenevera report appeared doubtful to us (the
Companions of the Prophet) and we asked 'Aa'ishah about it, we always
learned something from her about it."
In addition to being extremely intelligent, 'Aa'ishah became a very
graceful young woman. When she first came to live in theProphet's
household as a young girl, a strong and lasting friendship grew up
between her and Sawdah, and Sawdah took care of her along with the
rest of the household. When 'Aa'ishah grew up, Sawdah, who was by then
an old woman, gave up her share of the Prophet's time in favor of
'Aa'ishah and was content to manage his household and be Umm al
Mu'mineen 'The Mother of the Believers' -- a title of respect that
was given to all the wives of the Prophet which confirmed what the
Quran clearlystates that no man could marry any of them after they had
been married to the Prophet :
{The Prophet is more worthy of the believers than themselves, and his
wives are (in the position of) their mothers.} [Quran 33:6]
During the nine years that 'Aa'ishah was married to Prophet Muhammad
she witnessed many of the great events that shaped the destiny ofthe
first Muslim community of Al-Madeenah al Munawarra: It was during the
course of their marriage that the direction of theQiblah was changed
from Jerusalem to Makkah, thereby distinguishing the Muslims more
clearly from Jews and Christians. It was during the course of their
marriage that she must have listened to many of the Jews, Christians
and idol worshippers who came not to listen to the Prophet but to
argue with him, in the hope that they could find a plausible excuse to
justify their rejection of him. It was through exchanges such as
thesethat 'Aa'ishah learned to distinguish what was true from what was
false.
As the prophetic guidance continued to be revealed throughthe Prophet
Muhammad, sallallaahu ''alayhi wa sallam, 'Aa'ishah's way of life,
along withthat of all the Muslims, was gradually reshaped and refined.
Itwas during the course of their marriage that drinking alcohol was
finally forbidden, it was made clear what food was allowed (Halaal)
and what was prohibited (Haraam), it became necessary for women to
wear theHijaab in public and while praying, guidance regarding how to
fast was revealed, paying the Zakaat became obligatory on all Muslims
and all rites of Hajj were purified and clarified.
In fact, every aspect of life -- frombirth to death and everything
that happens in between -- was illuminated by the way in which the
Prophet behaved. It was this way of behavior (the Sunnah), that
'Aa'ishah helped to preserve and protect, not only by embodying it
herself, but also by teaching it to others.
The life of 'Aa'ishah is proof that a woman can be far more learned
than men and that she can be the teacher of scholars and experts. Her
life is also a proof that a woman can exert influence over men and
women and provide them with inspiration and leadership . Her life is
also proof that the same woman can retain her feminity and be a source
of pleasure, joy and comfort to her husband.
'Aa'ishah spent her life with the Prophet until he died in her lap,
whereupon she said: "He died between my chest and my neck, then I put
his head on a pillow when people became very quiet while I was
mourning and suffering deep sadness."