Advice to women regarding marriage – I

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said: "If a man whose religious
commitment and moral conduct you approve of proposes for marriage to
your daughter, then marry her to him; otherwise, trials will prevail
and great corruption will spread upon the earth." [At-Tirmithi & Ibn
Maajah] Imaam As-Sindi commented upon this narration, saying: "A
person's religious commitment assures fulfilling hisobligations, and
his good moral conduct assures his kind treatment of others."
The spread of corruption and evil is the natural result of people
refusing to marry their daughtersoff to men whose religious practice
and morals are good, preferring instead to delay and marry them to
those with more wealth, or from a more honourable lineage. This
results in many young men and women remaining unmarried, which causes
fornication to prevail, immorality to overwhelm, and chastity to
vanish.
Imaam At-Teebi said: "This narration supports the ruling of Imaam
Maalik over the others, in which he (i.e. Maalik) said that competence
for marriage should be based only on religious commitment and moral
conduct."
Some scholars have stated that if the guardian repeatedly rejects men
who propose for marriage to his daughter for no legitimate Islamic
reason, then this could nullify his guardianship over her.
Some women set impossible conditions for future husbands, such as him
memorising the entire Quran as well as the Hadeeth collections of
Al-Bukhaari, Muslim and so on. Moreover, some of them may even go as
far as to demand a man whose character is like that of Imaam
Al-Bukhaari .
This is totally incorrect; all a man has to meet are the two
conditions set in the abovementioned narration; namely, religious
commitment and a high moral character.
How can pious men and women be brought together in marriage?
The righteous men and women in the community should play a strong role
in this. For example, the wife could become a contact for the women
and the husband for the men. The young women should not give up the
condition of the man being religious on thepretext that they will work
on him and transform him to a pious man after marriage, unless the man
is known to adhere, in general, to his Islamic obligations, as well as
having noble morals and shunning sins. In such a case, he may be a
candidate worth considering.
People's stance when asked about the man proposing:
Some people, when asked about a man who is proposing to their
daughter, give general answers and avoid being precise. They say
things like: 'He is a nice man', 'He is a kind person', 'His father is
a good man and his grandfather was religious', 'Much good is expected
from him and he is handsome', 'He is polite and wealthy' and so on. It
is after the marriage takes place that the bitter reality surfaces and
the young woman come to know him for who he really is, only after it
is too late.
Others conceal the faults of the proposing man when asked about him
due to the fear of him,or what he may do if he found out, or because
they think that todo otherwise would be to backbite; but the Prophet
said, when asked by Faatimah Bint Qays about two Companions who had
proposed marriage to her: "Abu Jahm is a man who never lowers his
stick (i.e. he beats his wives), and as for Abu Sufyaan, he is
extremely poor and possesses nowealth." She said: "I like neither of
them" The Prophet said: "Marry Usaamah Bin Zayd" So she married him
and Allaah blessed their marriage, granting her a joyful life.
The one being asked should clarify everything he knows aboutthe person
who is proposing without exaggeration, and should fear Allaah
regarding what he says. He should mention his merits as well as his
faults; heshould mention only that which he is certain of and act as
if the young woman is his own daughter or sister. This is because
marriage is a long term commitment and not an interim one. Marriage is
a relationship that is meant to last until the grave, unless there is
a valid reason to end it; and divorce frequently occurs when people
marry their daughter to a person whom they do not know well enough.
The behaviour of some young women who seek marriage:
Some young women offer themselves in marriage to young men over the
telephone, which isdisastrous as the man may be a sinner, and some
sins are more lethal than others. For example, ifthe man deals in
Ribaa (i.e. interest or usury) then his and hisfamily's provision,
food, drinks and clothing will be ill-gotten. Moreover, even a sinner
would not typically marry a woman whooffers herself to him on the
telephone. He may play around with her for a while, but when heis
serious in his search for a wife, he will seek a chaste and
well-mannered woman. A man who had such a friend was amazed at seeing
him marrying ayoung woman who was fully adherent to the Hijaab; upon
asking why he did so, the friend replied: "I wish to marry a woman
whom I would be sure ofnot finding in bed with another man upon
returning home one day." This is how men perceive young women who
freely and easily talk to them on the telephone.
The young woman and her familyor guardian must investigate the man who
is proposing to her so that they can discover whether ornot he is
putting on an act in order to appear as if he is a committed Muslim.
Histories:
It is not a condition for either of them to inform the other of
theirprevious sins, especially if they have sincerely repented and
then adhered to piety.
The vitalness of transparency:
It is very important that both the man and the woman are clear with
one another from the very beginning and agree on everything before the
contract is finalised.
If the family refuses the proposing man to see the daughter, then he
should, at the very least, get a clear description of her.