Restoring and maintaining intimacy in marriage

intimacy from conflict, if, and only if, they stop hurting each other
and return to meeting eachother's emotional needs again .
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is closeness to each other. In an intimate state, spouses
communicate smoothly, rush to do whatever it takes to make each other
happy, and avoid what might upset or annoythe other. Couples can
achieve this state only through meeting each other's psychological,
emotional and physical needs .
Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Mainstream-counseling perspective
From Dr. Harley's research and experience in trying to save marriages
through counseling, he concluded that couples negotiate from one of
three states of mind, each having its own unique negotiating rules and
its own unique emotional reactions. He called these states of mind,
'intimacy', 'conflict' and 'withdrawal '.
Couples can return to the state ofintimacy from conflict, if, and only
if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting eachother's
emotional needs again. The first and most important concept that Dr.
Harley produced to help couples understand the rise and fall of
romantic love is"the Love Bank Account". In his study of what it takes
to build love bank accounts, he learned that habits were much more
important to consider than isolated instances of behavior. Habits that
deposit love units build very large love bank balances because they
are repeated over and over almost effortlessly. Isolated behaviors, on
the other hand, usually do notaffect the love bank much. Similarly,
habits that withdraw love units tend to destroy love bank balances
because they are also repeated almost effortlessly. In marriage, one
of the most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where one
spouse intentionally tries to hurt the other one, causing massive love
bank withdrawals .
As a starting point to build the love bank balance, dr. Harley
encourages spouses to get into the habit of doing whatever it takes to
make each other happy (deposit love units), and avoid habits that make
each other unhappy (withdraw love units). Through his counseling
experience, he proved the success of his approach in saving marriages
and restoring intimacy. As soon as he realized that a large love bank
balance triggered the feeling of love, he tried to discover what
spouses could do for each other that would make the largest love bank
deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the
happiest?" He asked each couple that he counseled, and then he
compiled the answers he had in a set of audiotapes that teaches what a
husband needs from his wife andwhat a wife needs from her husband .
Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Islamic perspective
As committed Muslims who believe that the Islamic message is the
absolute final truth that provides the cure for every ailment and
grants the ultimate happiness in both this life and eternal life, we
weigh any information or research findings with the message of Islam
to accept what is compatible and reject what contradicts any of
Islam's teachings. Dr. Harley's recommendations in the twenty first
century were not any different from what Allaah Almighty, and his
Messenger taught us fourteen hundred yearsago .
Marriage unites the souls
The Quran emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in the most
beautiful metaphor for intimacy. Allaah Says (what means): "…They are
clothing for you and you are clothing for them…" [Quran 2: 187]
Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by
entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's
chastity, and cover each other's faults. The garment gives comfort,
grace and beauty to the body; so does a husband find comfort in his
wife's company and she in his .
The Quran has given the comprehensive description of intimacy in
marriage, and considered it one of His Signs. Allaah Says (what
means): "And ofHis signs is that He created for you from yourselves
mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you
affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give
thought." [Quran 30: 21]
Islamic tips to restore and maintain intimacy in marriage
Islam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights,
responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build
their relationship on mutual love,respect, and mercy. Here are the
most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage .
1. Faith: Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islam is a way
of life, it becomes an integralpart of a Muslim's life. Couples with
strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and
communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in
developing a loving relationship .
Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by
performing the Prayer, reading Quran, and seeking Islamic knowledge
together, become closer. They love and please Allaah through loving
and pleasing each other. The commitment couples make to Allaah are
excellent facilitatorsfor enhancing their family's spiritual
development and commitment to Allaah and His Religion .
2. Forgiving: When the Prophet said to his Companions : "Do you wish
that Allaah should forgive you?" They said, 'of course, O Prophet of
Allaah.' He responded: 'Then forgive eachother .'"
One of the main components of ahappy marriage is forgiveness. It is a
challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the
other. This can onlyhappen if we are not too proud to ask for
forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive .
3. Friendship: A relationship based on friendship is more able to
withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on
honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of
our differences .
4. Feelings: The Prophet stated that Allaah forgives all sinsif we
repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e., hurt
their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples
must be very carefulnot to hurt the feelings of each other and if they
inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one
does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it
notbetter to make amends when wehave the time?
5. Openness: Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe
to speak their mind honestlywith due consideration to the other's
feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication
is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep
understanding of each other's inner self .
6. Flattering: Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery isa
very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Everyone likes to be
appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually
deprivingone of being appreciated in return .
7. Unconditional giving: The heartdoes not put conditions or make
stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such
selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold .
8. Fallibility: When couples start to demand the impossible they must
remind themselves that

How to achieve humbleness

Islam highly commends humbleness and simplicity and reckons that as
one of the traits of a true believer. The Prophet said: "Al-Kibr
(proud and arrogance) is rejecting the truth and looking down upon
people." [Muslim, At-Tirmithi and Abu Daawood]
Humility is for one who is important and significant and he fears to
gain notoriety or to become too great among people.As it was said,
"Humble yourself, you will be as a glimmering star to the viewer on
the surface of the water even if it is lofty." We don't say to an
ordinary person,"Humble yourself." But it is said to him, "Know the
value of yourself, and do not place it in the wrong place!"
It was narrated by Al-Khattaabi in Al-Uzlahthat Imaam `Abdullaah ibn
Al-Mubaarak came to Khuraassaan [in Persia] and went to a person who
was known for his Zuhd and Wara' [asceticism and cautiousness in
piety], so when he entered wherethe man was, he (the man) did not turn
around nor give him anyconsideration at all.
When 'Abdullaah Ibn Al-Mubaarakleft, some of the people who were
inside with the man said to him, "Don't you know who he was?! " He
said, "No." He was told, "This is the 'Ameer of the
believers...`Abdullaah Ibn Al-Mubaarak." So the man was astonished and
came out to 'Abdullaah Ibn Al-Mubaarak in a hurry apologizing and
absolving himself from what happened, saying, "O Abu 'Abdur-Rahmaan!
Forgive me and advise me!" Ibn Al-Mubaarak said, "Yes... whenever you
come out of your house and see someone, assume that he is better than
you!" He knew that the man was conceited. When 'Abdullaah Ibn
Al-Mubaarak inquired as to what the man's profession was, he found out
that he was a weaver!! Therefore, this educatedImaam noticed that this
Mutazahhid (devoted pious person) possessed a kind of arrogance,
conceitedness and feeling of superiority over others.
This disease sometimes envelops pious people; this is why he was
offered advice that was easy for him. Many times we find this
characteristic in some pious people, as well as some callers toIslam.
But when it reaches the small students who misbehave with their
scholars and teachers, this really hurts inside! There is no objection
if you differ in opinion or judgment with a scholar as long as you are
qualified to do so. The problem occurs when this difference of opinion
becomes a destructive element to the scholar's dignity, diminishes his
value, disregards and disrespects him.
One should humble himself with his companions. Frequently whenthe
spirit of competition and envy is agitated between companions and
rivals, a person may feel superior over his companion, he may be
pleased byharming him, degrading his valueand importance, accusing him
of defects or exaggerating his faults; faults that may have come to
light when seeking advice, or correction. In reality this is called
jealousy.
Humility is to humble oneself to one who is below you. If you find
someone who is younger than you, or of less importance than you, you
should not despise him, because he might have a better heart than you,
or be less sinful, or closer to Allaah than you. Even if you see a
sinful person and you are righteous, do not act with arrogance towards
him, and thank Allaah that He saved you from the tribulation that He
put him through. Remember that there might be some Riyaa' (showing
off) or vanity in your righteous deeds that may cause them to be of no
avail, and that this sinful person may be regretful and fearful
concerning his bad deeds, and this may be the cause of forgiveness of
his sins.
According to Jundub the Messenger of Allaah mentioned that a man said,
"By Allaah, Allaah will not forgive so-and-so," and that Allaah said:
"Who is swearing by Me that I will not forgive so-and-so? I surely
have forgiven so-and-so and nullified your deeds." [Muslim].
Therefore, do not act in arrogantly towards anyone. Even when you see
a sinner, do not show superiority towards him, nor treat him with
arrogance anddomination. If you feel that the sinner may perform some
acts of obedience which you do not, and that you may also posses some
defects which the sinner may not, then deal kindly with him, and
gently give Da`wah which will hopefully be the cause of his acceptance
and remembrance.
Your deeds also should not become too great in your eyes. If you do a
good deed, or attempt to get closer to Allaah through anact of
obedience, your deed still may not be accepted. Allaah Says what
means: "…Indeed, Allaah only accepts from the righteous [who fear
Him]." [Quran 5:27] Thisis why some ofthe Salaf (predecessors) said,
"If I knew that Allaah accepted one Tasbeeh(saying "Subhaanallaah")
from me, I would have wished to die right now!"
The arrogant person never gives credit to anybody or mentions good
about someone, and if he needed to do so, he would also mention
defects of that person. But if he hears somebody reminding him about
his own defects, he will not be flexible nor comply due to his
inferiority complex. This is why it is among man's moral integrity to
accept criticism or comment without any sensitivity or discomfort or
feelings of shame and weakness. Here he is, the 'Ameer of the
Believers `Umar raising the flag and lifting the motto, "May Allaah
have mercy on a person

Dought & clear - , She entered ihraam for‘umrah from Makkah. What should she do?.

I am a resident of Makkah and I wanted to do 'umrah, but I did not go
out to the meeqaat because my brother insisted that I did not have to
do that. But I know that the meeqaats must be observed. What is the
ruling? If I have to offer a sacrifice, and I want to send the meat
outside the Kingdom, is that permissible?.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
Whoever is in Makkah and wants to do 'umrah has to go outside the
Haram (sanctuary) to enter ihraam for 'umrah.It is not permissible for
him to enter ihraam for 'umrah from Makkah. If he does that, then
according to the majority of scholars he has to offer a sacrifice,
i.e., slaughter a sheep in Makkah and distribute its meat to the poor
of the Haram.
Al-Bukhaari (1556) and Muslim (1211) narrated that 'Aa'ishah (may
Allaah be pleased with her), the wife of the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him), said: "We went out with the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for the Farewell
Pilgrimage… and when we had finished Hajj the Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) sentme with 'Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Abi
Bakrto al-Tan'eem and I did 'umrah.
Al-Bukhaari (1215) and Muslim (1211) narrated that 'Aa'ishah (may
Allaah be pleased with her) said: "O Messenger of Allaah, you have
done'umrah but I did not." Hesaid: "O 'Abd al-Rahmaan, take your
sister to do 'umrah from al-Tan'eem," so he seated her behind him on a
camel and she did 'umrah.
According to a report narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim, the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Take your sister
out of the Haram and let her enter ihraam for 'umrah."
Al-Nawawi said:
"Take your sister out of the Haram and let her enter ihraam for
'umrah" is indicative of what the 'ulama' said, that whoever is in
Makkah and wants to do'umrah, his meeqaat is the closest point that is
outside the Haram, and it is not permissible to enter ihraam from
insidethe Haram.
The scholars said: Rather it is obligatory to go out to the area
outside the Haram so that he will be outside the Haram and then enter
the Haram, just as the pilgrim performing Hajj does both, because he
stands in 'Arafah, which is outside the Haram, then he enters Makkah
to do tawaaf and saa'i, etc. This is the view of al-Shaafa'i.
Similarly the majority of scholars said that it is obligatory to goout
to the closest point that is outside the Haramto enter ihraam for
'umrah, and that if a person enters ihraam for'umrah from the Haram
and does not go out, he must offer a sacrifice. 'Ata' said: he does
not have to do anything. Maalik said: there is no option other than
going outside the Haram. Al-Qaadi 'Iyaad said: Maalik said: He must
enter ihraam from al-Tan'eem in particular. They said: This is the
meeqaat for those who are doing 'umrah from Makkah. But this is an odd
view that is rejected. The view of themajority is that all areas
outside the Haram are the same, and al-Tan'eem need not be singled
out. And Allaah knows best.
But with regard to one who is in Makkah and wants to enter ihraam for
Hajj, he may enter ihraam from where he isin Makkah, and he does not
have to go outside the Haram.
The evidence for that is the hadeeth narrated by al-Bukhaari (1524)
and Muslim (1181) from Ibn 'Abbaas who said: The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) defined the meeqaat of the people of
Madeenah as Dhu'l-Hulayfah; that of the people of Shaam (Syria) as
al-Jahfah; that of the people of Najd as Qarn al-Manaazil; and that of
the people of Yemen as Yalamlam. And he said: "And these meeqaats
arefor the people at those very places, and besides them for those who
come thorough those places with the intentionof performing Hajj and
'Umrah; and whoever is living within these boundaries can enter Ihram
from the place he starts, and the people of Makkah can start from
Makkah."
Al-Haafiz said:
" and the people of Makkah can start from Makkah" i.e., they do
notneed to go out to the meeqaat to enter ihraamfrom there, rather
they may enter ihraam from Makkah. This applies only to the one who is
doing Hajj. As for the one who is doing 'umrah, he has to go out to
the closest point that is outside the Haram. Al-Muhibb al-Tabari
said:I do not know of anyonewho described Makkah as a meeqaat for
'umrah.
Shaykh Ibn 'Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in
Manaasikal-Hajj wa'l-'Umrah (p. 27), after mentioning the meeqaats:
Whoever is closer to Makkah than these meeqaats, his meeqaat is the
place where he is and he should enter ihraam from there, and the
people of Makkah should enter ihraam from Makkah, except in the case
of 'umrah, when those who live in the Haram should enter ihraam from
the closest point outside the Haram.
Then he quoted as evidence the hadeeth of 'Aa'ishah mentioned above,
about her doing 'umrah with her brother 'Abd al-Rahmaan.
Secondly:
It is obligatory to slaughter a sheep in Makkah and distribute its
meat to the poor of the Haram; it is not permissible to distribute it
outside Makkah. That is because Allaah says concerning the penalty for
hunting in the Haram(interpretation of the meaning):
"O you who believe! Kill not the game while you are in a state of
Ihraam [for Hajj or 'Umrah (pilgrimage)], and whosoever of you kills
it intentionally, the penalty is an offering, brought to the Ka'bah,
of an eatable animal (i.e.sheep, goat, cow) equivalent to the one
hekilled, as adjudged by two just men among you"
[al-Maa'idah 5:95]
"and afterwards they are brought for sacrifice unto the ancient House
(the Haram — sacred territory of Makkah)"
[al-Hajj 22:33]
The Standing Committee was asked about some people who entered ihraam
for 'umrah from Kada (a place in Makkah)and did not go out to
al-Tan'eem.
They replied:
These people who entered ihraam for 'umrah from Kada made a mistake,
because Kada is not outside the Haram,rather it is part of the Haram
and is not like al-Tan'eem or al-Ji'raanah, because both al-Tan'eem
and al-Ji'raanah are outside the Haram. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) did 'umrah from al-Ji'raanahand he
did not do 'umrah from al-Tan'eem,rather he told 'Abd al-Rahmaan ibn
Abi Bakrto go with his sister 'Aa'ishah to enter ihraam for 'umrah
from al-Tan'eem, because it was the closest place outside the Haram.
If it were permissible to enter ihraam for 'umrah from inside the
boundaries of the Haram, he would have given 'Aa'ishah permission to
enter ihraam from where she was in al-Abtah, and he would not have
told her and her brother to go to al-Tan'eem to enter ihraam for
'umrah from there, because that would cause unnecessary hardship when
they were traveling. When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) was given thechoice between two things, he would always
chose the one that was easier so long as it was not a sin. Comparing
Kada to al-Tan'eem and al-Ji'raanah is not correct, because entering
ihraam from the meeqaats is part of the rituals. But their 'umrahs are
still valid. Soeach of them has to offer a sacrifice for entering
ihraam for 'umrah from inside the Haram.
Shaykh Ibn 'Uthaymeen said in Fataawa Arkaan al-Islam (p. 515):
Whoever wants to do Hajj or 'umrah has to enter ihraam from the
meeqaat when he passesit, and he should not go any further without
doing so. If he does that and passes the meeqaat, then he has to go
back and enter ihraam from there. If he goes back and enters ihraam
then there is no penalty, but if he enters ihraam from where he is and
does not go back, then according to the scholarshe has to offer a
sacrifice and distribute its meat to the poor of

Can he wipe over his khufoof when removing madhiy (prostatic fluid)?.,Dought & clear - ,

When purifying myself from madhiy, can I wipe over my socks?.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
Madhiy is najis (impure) and nullifies wudoo' according to scholarly consensus.
An-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:The ummah is unanimously
agreed that madhiy (a fluid which is usually secretedas a result of
sexual excitement) and wadiy (a thick white fluid that may come after
urination or due to other reasons such as illness) are najis.
End quote from Sharh al-Muhadhdhab, 2/571
And he (may Allah have mercy on him) said: Ibn al-Mundhir said: They
are unanimously agreed that it (wudoo') is invalidated by the emission
of stools from the back passage, of urine and madhiy from the front
passage, and ofwind from the back passage.
End quote from Sharh al-Muhadhdhab, 2/6
Secondly:
What is required when purifying oneself from madhiy is two things:
1. To wash the penis and testicles to remove whatever has gotten
onto them of madhiy, because of what has been stated above of it being
najis.
2. To do wudoo' to purify oneself from it when wanting to pray or
to do anything for which wudoo' is prescribed, because madhiy is one
of the things that invalidate wudoo', as stated above.
See also the answer to question no. 2458
With regard to washing off the traces of madhiy, this requires washing
the traces from the affected part of the body; it cannot be imagined
that this involves wiping over thekhufoof, as is quite obvious.
As for doing wudoo' because of madhiy, it is like doing wudoo' in
thecase of any of the other things that invalidate wudoo'. If the
individualput on his khufoof whenin a state of purity, it is
permissible for him to wipe over them when doing wudoo', because of
the hadeeth of Safwaan ibn 'Assaal (mayAllah be pleased with him) who
said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon
him) used to command us not to take off our leather slippers for three
days except in the case of janaabah, but not in the case of stools,
urine or sleep.
Narrated by at-Tirmidhi, 96; Ibn Maajah, 478; and others. Classed as
saheehby al-Albaani in Mishkaatal-Masaabeeh, no. 520
This indicates that wiping over the khufoofis permissible in the
caseof things that invalidate wudoo'. But in the case of janaabah
(impurity following sexual activity), that requires ghusl so it is not
permissible to wipe overthe khufoof when