Abused by my father, and now by my husband, and I am almost insane

assalaam alaikum to all
i am a 26 year old girl who's been married past 15 months. I am a girl
with a mental disorder because my father used toabuse me when I was
younger.
But it is only my husband now, and he does it very rarely, but when he
does, he hurts me very badly. Hepunches me, pulls my hair,but this has
been going onsince I came here. And because of this, I am, in a way,
quite twisted.
Ever since i got married my inlaws gave me a tough time. As a child
growing, I had a tough lifeas my sister got divorced when i was still
in school, my brother had heart attacks... dad is a very violent
person very strict with us... i used to obey my father always but he
isunnecessarily strict... and orders all the time.. everyone in my
family andoutside the family is scared of my dad. but i know he's the
best when he cares..
But because of my dad's excessively violent nature and restrictions i
fell into an immature and stubborn state of emotions where i got
involved with my husbandin an affair before marriage and then
forciblyconvinced my parents to allow me to marry the guyi want...
also my dad had given up on life 10 years ago when my sister got
divorced so he was not bothered if i am going to the right house...
Therefore i felt the need toget independent and the best way out was
to get married... but unfortunately i got married into a very very
very bad family.. to a guy who's lying 24x7.. as he thinks my family
is gonna shower him with money and houses... but reality is that my
dad has no money now.. we had a huge list of troubles in ourlives... i
discontinued my bds 2nd year since i got married... as i hate my
college atmosphere which has religious differences... iuse to do hijab
and they dnt like it so i was boycotted by the staff... i thought i
will be free oncei get married to the guy who loves me... but he never
loved me he loved the money which he thought we had... and when he
found no money he along with his family started to torture me.
My husband has just finished his mis(mba) fromusa... n i live with him
alone now... earlier when icame to USA as a dependent i stayed at my
husband's sister's house for a month , god... she showed me hell in 15
days... as i didnt know cooking at all... i learned cooking as fast as
i can to keep my husband happy and healthy.. we moved from her house
after a month of fights n torture.. she is 39 years ald n compares
herself with me... i hate her and alwayslaugh at her immaturity...
anyway.. now the only way out of this trouble i thought would be to
earn money myself so that i wont be a burden on my husband as he was
counting the money whichhe spends on groceries.. my husband fights
with me all the time and warns me that he will divorce men asked me to
leave and he's creating a scene each time so that i should leavehim
myself. he's been repeating about divorce for many times now.. as he
is looking for a citizen girl who has a green card...n till then he is
using me as a slave to cook for him and earn money for him and satisfy
his needs ... ya ALLAH help me... i am in such pain...
i also was forced to have an abortion after 3 months of marriage... n
my husband is not planning to keep me as hiswife as i dnt have a green
card...
imagine, i cook, i earn money, i clean the house, iwash his clothes, i
never made anything more than a cup of tea b4 marriage nnow he made me
a servant in one year of married life.. plzz give me advice on what to
do?? i am alone in USA with my husband suffering beyond tolerance..
any advice is appreciated.. may ALLAH have mercy on
all..ameen..otherwise i will commit suicide....
I am anti-social, paranoid, angry, depressed, and I have the darkest
thoughts.I involuntarily think of ways to kill people. And they're
very imaginative... Because of my parents, I believe that there is no
good in this world, and because of my husband, I hate humans. I
honestly do.
When I am severely angry or severely upset, I am dangerous. I can
seriously hurt someone. But I reach the limit of my insanity, and I'm
someone I can't even recognize. I am suicidal. I want to drug, smoke
and drink myself todeath (but I have never done any of this).i tried
it though, I harm myself, harm others, attempt suicide, scream,
shout,abuse everyone or anyone i see but inside mybrain not on their
face,slapmyself, break things, and worst of all, I i insult ALLAH and
islam.

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My husband is taking drugs, lying and not providing for us.

Salam everyone,
I have been married for 12years with two kids. I havebeen happy in my
marriage until now. Between the last few years my husband has not been
employed after he sold his business. He lost a lot of money and was
verydepressed due to this. We are both working and have been for the
last 12 years.
I have supported him in every aspect of his life, financially and
emotionally. I have alwayssaid to think of my moneyas his money. I
have helped his family numerous amounts of time with substancial
amounts of money and also I have given him money to open his business
and paid for all the household bills while he was setting himself up
and when the business was making a loss. Basically I have not saved a
penny of my money as all these years I have beenpaying all the
household bills and supporting my husband and his family financially
as I thought that was the right thing inorder to be a good wife and
daughter in law and also I love my husband very much and wanted to
help him in any way I can. Now I feel that I have made the biggest
mistake of my life by doing this.
My husband made losses in his businesses and borrowed money on
interest to recoup the losses. I have also sinned and borrowed money
to help him. We got into a lotof financial problems and in the end
lost the business and owed a lot ofmoney. He was not working for the
last three years and I was paying off all the loans and the household
bills. I did not pressure him much to get a job as I knew he was very
depressed. I allowed him to take time to get a good job. Eventually
whenhe did get a job as a self employed person he was not earning
much. He keptmaking excuses as to why he wasn't making money and kept
promising that things will get better. I amvery eager to pay off his
credit card bills as it has interest and we are comiting a grave sin.
One year later we are still in the same situation he is working day
and night and earning little or no money. I am having to payfor 90% of
the bills.
Until now he has always been a kind loving and gentle person who is
striving to be a good muslim. He always prays and read the quran and
promises that he is striving to be a better muslim and stop stop haram
things. I have been patient with him and believed him all this time
and did not pressure him about the job. Recently I have noticed that
he has become very angry and tired and does not pray allthe time and
stopped reading the quran. All he does is eat sleep and go towork.
We have no family life. I am stressed with doing allthe housework
looking after the kids and providing financially for the family. I
have told himto leave this job and get another job so that he can have
time to spend with his family. He argued with me that he will not
leave this job even if he has to do long hours and earn peanuts! He
has also insulted me and is blaming me for all his misfortunes even
though Ihave given all my money to him! He has always praised me in
the past andnow he keeps finding faults in me.
I have got his parents and my parents involved but ithas not changed
anything.Recently I have found out that he is taking drugs, but I do
not know to whatextent. I have confronted him about it but he
deniesit. I am really distressed having to do both the husband and
wife's role! I know islam teaches us to be patient. In this case am I
supposed to keep payingthe bills and wait for him to change? My family
and friends are advising me to divorce him as he will never change but
I don't want to break my marriage. I just want him to change and be a
responsible father and husband as he was a few years ago.
I am always praying day and night that he comes to his senses and
realizes his fault. I don't want my children to grow up without a
father. I would be very grateful for any advice on this and the
islamic ruling regarding this.
Thank you.
-sumaira

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My husband wants the mahr back, but he owes me the same amount!

"O you who have believed,it is not lawful for you to inherit women by
compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take
[back part of what you gave them unless they commit a
clearimmorality." (Surah Nisa, Ayah 19)
Assalam alikum,
I am a female who lives in the United States. I got married to a
gentleman last year on March 2011.
After few months, my husband was not taking care of me financially.
He was also very stubbornand was creating a lot of havoc in the house,
which was very hard for me and my kids from previous relationship. My
husband was accusing me of a lot things which were not true including
cheating on him. My husband would like to fight as soon as he comes
home and sometimes every night at 2am or even 4am.
I tried to do what he wanted but he was alwaysmaking up new stories.
After many fights, I tried to convince him to leave me and divorce me,
he would say he would but the next day he would apologize and say he
will try to do better.
I got him out of the house after many attempts of fixing our
relationship after 5 months or less (endof june) of marriage because
my kids were having nightmares and wecouldn't sleep when he was home
because of his aggressiveness! More attempts were made on my part to
get back together but he would always promise and fight after we start
talking again.
Please advise me how to get divorced from him since its been almost a
year since our seperation and he doesn't take care of me and give me
my rights. Please note that he insisted that he will never divorce me!
The other thing is that we got married in the mosqueonly and there are
no documents between us! We met with the sheikh who did our nikah to
get divorced and I agreed to give him back the dowry but when I
recalled that my husband owes me the same amount of money, the sheikh
didn't accept that and said I would haveto pay him back as agreed
upon.
How is it right that I give that money that he owes me on other
matter? Please help thank you!

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I love my husband but he wont find a job and I’m having trouble conceiving

I am a 29 year old Muslim sister facing difficulties in my marriage
life. I really love and care for my husband and I am always trying to
make him happy but a lot of times I feel that he isn't trying hard
enough to make me happy. First of all, I know that marriage is a
commitment between husband and wife, where each person listens and
respects each other's thoughts and feelings. A lot of times, I try out
of my way to give my husband all the support heneeds, but I admit,
some times out of frustration I have said hurtful things tohim because
of his behavior.
I feel a lot of times he triesto order me around and he even said that
if I did everything he says immediately, he would know that I really
love him. I feel that his thinking of what love is, isn't correct. He
has to understand that ordering me around isn't the way to talk to
one's spouse, and if he needs something, it should be said kindly and
sincerely. I am not his slave, but his wife. If he needs anything,I
would gladly do it for him, but I will not be talked down to like I am
under him or something.
My therapist (who is American) believes that what he is thinking is
cultural since I was born inAmerica and he was born in South Asia, but
I feel it is not really Islamic thinking. Even though I was born in
America, I have maintained my Islamic identity, and have avoided a lot
of things I feel in America are not in tune with Islam.
In addition, my husband puts his relatives and friends way above me. I
have no problem with himcalling his relatives and friends because it
is good to keep in contact with others, but he seems to put them WAY
above me. Ifeel like he ignores me and is more interested in being
with other people inhis life.
Also, I feel I cannot share any of my feelings with him without him
getting angry. One time, I was crying about how hurt I felt when one
of my cousins did something wrong with me, and he immediately got
angry with me and said that I always find fault with others and that I
don't likeanyone. What he is saying isn't true. I like to maintain my
family relations, but they are not more important to me than my
husband. I felt that I would get some emotional support from him, but
instead, it leads to a BIG fight and then we both say bad things to
each other.
I feel like he feels very strongly about family relations more than he
feels strongly about me. He gets mad when anything is said against
other people, like they are so important to him. I really don't
understand this thinking. He even tried to pack his suit case and
leave from the house when I tried to express myfeelings about
something that was troubling me about someone else. He said that if he
had any relatives living nearby, he would go and live with them and
leave me and this hurt me so much because he feels like they are more
important than me.
I don't know what to do. I understand he is new to America (he's only
been in this country for 7 months),but we are constantly arguing and
fighting about little things. In terms of him finding a job,that has
been a source of great difficultly in our marriage. I am doing
everything for him, but he is doing nothing. He speaks English very
well and even Americans compliment his English, but he has no
confidence in his abilities. He speaks so many languages too and he
had a good job before. However, it seems like he is scared to take the
initiative to apply for ajob. I am filling out all his job
applications and doingeverything for him! He even said to me that I am
responsible for him finding a job because he isnew to this country and
doesn't know anything. Is that fair what he is saying? I don't think
any wife has the responsibility to find a job for her husband. He has
to do thathimself!
Then he constantly gets depressed because he isn'tgetting any job
offers, but he is scared to talk on the phone to the manager or
whoever is hiring for the jobs he applies to, to market himself. He
seems to have absolutely no confidence. In fact, he received a
voicemail on hiscell phone for a job interview, and I had to callthe
company for him. Then when I gave him the phone and told him to leave
a message stating that he received their message and would be
interested in setting up aninterview, he got mad at me and hung up the
phone and started yelling at me about why I gave him the phone to
leave a message. How will anyonegive him a job if he is afraid to
speak for himself?

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