Sex in Islam Sex as Sadaqa

An excerpt from 'The Muslim Marriage Guide', By Ruqaiyyah Waris
Maqsood (Amana Publications).
"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to
what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over
them."(Quran, 2:216)
They do indeed! This passage of the Holy Quran was revealed in
connection with the rights of women following a divorce, but it also
has a general sense. One basic right of every person taking on a
contract never to have sex other than with their own legitimate
partner is that each spouse should therefore provide sexual
fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain.
Now, every man knows what sexual things please him--but some men,
particularly those who have not been married before and are therefore
lacking experience, don't seem to know much about how to give the same
pleasure to the woman; even worse, some men do know but they can't be
bothered to make the effort. Yet this is vital if a marriage is to
succeed and not just be a disappointing burden for the woman, and it
is a vital part of one's Islamic duty.
It is not acceptable for a Muslim man just to satisfy himself while
ignoring his wife's needs. Experts agree that the basic psychological
need of a man is respect, while that of a woman is love. Neither
respect nor love are things that can be forced--they have to be worked
for, and earned. The Prophet (s) stated that in one's sexual intimacy
with one's life partner there is sadaqa (worship through giving):
Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said:"In the sexual act of each of you there
is a sadaqa."The Companions replied: "O Messenger of Allah! When one
of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?"
And he said,"Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully,
he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be
rewarded."(Muslim)
This hadith only makes sense if the sexual act is raised above the
mere animal level.
What is the magic ingredient that turns sex into sadaqa, that makes it
a matter of reward or punishment from Allah? It is by making one's sex
life more than simple physical gratification; it is by thought for
pleasing Allah by unselfish care for one's partner. A husband that
cannot understand this will never be fully respected by his wife.
Neither spouse should ever act in a manner that would be injurious or
harmful to their conjugal life. Nikah is the sacred tie between
husband and wife, that sincere and devoted love without which they
cannot attain happiness and peace of mind.
"Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might
find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy."(Quran,
30:21)
Now, every Muslim knows that a man has a right on his wife. However,
because nikah is a contract never to seek sexual satisfaction outside
the marriage bond, Islam commands not only the women but the men in
this respect, and makes it clear that if a husband is not aware of the
urges and needs of his wife, he will be committing a sin by depriving
her of her rights.
According to all four orthodox jurists, it is incumbent upon the
husband to keep his wife happy and pleased in this respect. Likewise,
it is essential for the wife to satisfy the desire of the husband.
Neither should reject the other, unless there is some lawful excuse.
Now, it is fairly easy for a woman to satisfy a man and make herself
available to him, even if she is not really in the mood. It is far
harder for a man to satisfy a woman if he is not in the mood, and this
is where an important aspect of male responsibility needs to be
brought to every Muslim man's attention, and stressed strongly.
The jurists believed that a woman's private parts needed "protecting"
(tahsin). What they meant was that it was important for a Muslim
husband to satisfy his wife's sexual needs so that she would not be
tempted to commit zina out of despair or frustration.
A Muslim wife is not merely a lump of flesh without emotions or
feelings, just there to satisfy a man's natural urges. On the
contrary, her body contains a soul no less important in God's sight
than her husband's. Her heart is very tender and delicate, and crude
or rough manners would hurt her feelings and drive away love. The
husband would be both foolish and immoral to act in any way
unpalatable to her natural temperament, and a man selfishly seeking
his own satisfaction without considering that of his wife is a selfish
boor. In fact, according to a hadith:
"Three things are counted as inadequacies in a man. Firstly, meeting
someone he would like to get to know, and taking leave of him before
learning his name and his family. Secondly, rebuffing the generosity
that another shows to him. And thirdly, going to his wife and having
intercourse with her before talking to her and gaining her intimacy,
satisfying his need from her before she has satisfied her need from
him."(Daylami)
This is another of the things implied by the saying that one's wife
is"a tilth unto you."(Quran, 2:223) The imagery is that of a farmer
taking care of his fields. According to Mawlana Abul-Ala Mawdudi:
"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does
not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure
or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run
riot." (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p.285)
Likewise, in the case of husband and wife, the husband should not just:
"Take hold of his wife and rub the seed and finish the business of
procreation. The damage in this case could sometimes be irreparable,
because a woman, unlike a farm, is very sensitive and has emotions,
feelings, and strong passions which need full satisfaction and
attention in a proper and appropriate manner." (Afzalur Rahman,
Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p. 286)
If this is not taken into consideration, and the wife is not properly
prepared to start lovemaking, or is unsatisfied when it is finished,
there could be many psychological and physiological complications
leading to frigidity and other abnormalities. Indeed, many husbands
eventually become disappointed with their wives, believing them to be
frigid or unable to respond to their activities (unlike the sirens on
the film or TV screen), and they wonder what is wrong with them. A
possible explanation will follow in a moment.
Allah created male and female from a single soul in order that man
might live with her in serenity (Quran, 7:189), and not in
unhappiness, frustration and strife. If your marriage is frankly
awful, then you must ask yourself how such a desperate and tragic
scenario could be regarded by anyone as "half the Faith." According to
a hadith:
"Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let
there first be a messenger between you.""And what is that messenger?"
they asked, and he replied:"Kisses and words."(Daylami)
These "kisses and words" do not just include foreplay once intimacy
has commenced. To set the right mood, little signals should begin well
in advance, so that the wife has a clue as to what is coming, and is
pleasantly expectant, and also has adequate time to make herself
clean, attractive and ready. As regards intimacy itself, all men know
that they cannot achieve sexual fulfillment if they are not aroused.
They should also realise that it is actually harmful and painful for
the female organs to be used for sex without proper preparation. In
simple biological terms, the woman's private parts need a kind of
natural lubrication before the sexual act takes place. For this, Allah
has created special glands, known to modern doctors as the Bartholin
glands, which provide the necessary "oils."
It is still possible to read old-fashioned advice to husbands that a
desirable wife should be "dry"--which is remarkable ignorance and
makes one really grieve for the poor wives of such inconsiderate men.
Just as no one would dream of trying to run an engine without the
correct lubricating fluids, it is the same, through the creative will
of Allah, with the parts of the female body designed for sexual
intimacy. A husband should know how to stimulate the production of
these "oils" in his wife, or at the very least allow her to use some
artificial "oils." This lack of knowledge or consideration is where so
many marital problems frequently arise.
As Imam al-Ghazali says: "Sex should begin with gentle words and
kissing," and Imam al-Zabidi adds: "This should include not only the
cheeks and lips; and then he should caress the breasts and nipples,
and every part of her body." (Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al Muttaqin, V
372) Most men will not need telling this; but it should be remembered
that failure to observe this Islamic practice is to neglect or deny
the way Allah has created women.
Insulting a wife with bad marital manners
Firstly, a husband must overcome his shyness enough to actually look
at his wife, and pay attention to her. If he cannot bring himself to
follow this sunna, it is an insult to her, and extremely hurtful.
Personal intimacy is a minefield of opportunities to hurt each
other--glancing at the watch, a yawn at the wrong moment, appearing
bored, and so on. A husband's duty is to convince his wife that he
does love her--and this can only be done by word (constantly repeated
word, I might add--such is the irritating nature of women!), and by
looking and touching.
Many people believe that the expression in the eyes reveals much of
the human soul. Certainly the lover's gaze is a most endearing and
treasured thing. Many wives yearn for that gaze of love, even after
they have been married for years. If you cannot bring yourself to look
at her while paying attention to her, she can only interpret this as a
sign that you do not really love her. And even though it may be
irritating to you, and seem quite superfluous, most women are deeply
moved when a man actually tells her that he loves her.
Sex is clean!
A modest upbringing is part of good character. The Prophet (s) himself
said:"Modesty brings nothing but good."(Bukhari and Muslim) But
another, also important, part of Islamic teaching says that all of
Allah's creation is beautiful and pure, particularly when it is part
of the body of human beings, who are designed as His deputies upon the
earth. In some religions, people traditionally believed that the
woman's private parts are in some way unclean, or dirty, or even evil.