Restoring and maintaining intimacy in marriage

Couples can return to the state ofintimacy from conflict, if, and only
if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting eachother's
emotional needs again.
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is closeness to each other. In an intimate state, spouses
communicate smoothly, rush to do whatever it takes to make each other
happy, and avoid what might upset or annoythe other. Couples can
achieve this state only through meeting each other's psychological,
emotional and physical needs.
Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Mainstream-counseling perspective
From Dr. Harley's research and experience in trying to save marriages
through counseling, he concluded that couples negotiate from one of
three states of mind, each having its own unique negotiating rules and
its own unique emotional reactions. He called these states of mind,
'intimacy', 'conflict' and 'withdrawal'.
Couples can return to the state ofintimacy from conflict, if, and only
if, they stop hurting each other and return to meeting eachother's
emotional needs again. The first and most important concept that Dr.
Harley produced to help couples understand the rise and fall of
romantic love is"the Love Bank Account". In his study of what it takes
to build love bank accounts, he learned that habits were much more
important to consider than isolated instances of behavior. Habits that
deposit love units build very large love bank balances because they
are repeated over and over almost effortlessly. Isolated behaviors, on
the other hand, usually do notaffect the love bank much. Similarly,
habits that withdraw love units tend to destroy love bank balances
because they are also repeated almost effortlessly. In marriage, one
of the most destructive behaviors is an angry outburst, where one
spouse intentionally tries to hurt the other one, causing massive love
bank withdrawals.
As a starting point to build the love bank balance, dr. Harley
encourages spouses to get into the habit of doing whatever it takes to
make each other happy)deposit love units(, and avoid habits that make
each other unhappy )withdraw love units(. Through his counseling
experience, he proved the success of his approach in saving marriages
and restoring intimacy. As soon as he realized that a large love bank
balance triggered the feeling of love, he tried to discover what
spouses could do for each other that would make the largest love bank
deposits. "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the
happiest?" He asked each couple that he counseled, and then he
compiled the answers he had in a set of audiotapes that teaches what a
husband needs from his wife andwhat a wife needs from her husband.
Reviving and maintaining intimacy: Islamic perspective
As committed Muslims who believe that the Islamic message is the
absolute final truth that provides the cure for every ailment and
grants the ultimate happiness in both this life and eternal life, we
weigh any information or research findings with the message of Islam
to accept what is compatible and reject what contradicts any of
Islam's teachings. Dr. Harley's recommendations in the twenty first
century were not any different from what Allaah Almighty, and his
Messengertaught us fourteen hundred yearsago.
Marriage unites the souls
The Quran emphasizes the essential unity of men and women in the most
beautiful metaphor for intimacy. Allaah Says )what means(:"…They are
clothing for you and you are clothing for them…"]Quran 2: 187[
Just as a garment hides our nakedness, so do husband and wife, by
entering into the relationship of marriage, secure each other's
chastity, and cover each other's faults. The garment gives comfort,
grace and beauty to the body; so does a husband find comfort in his
wife's company and she in his.
The Quran has given the comprehensive description of intimacy in
marriage, and considered it one of His Signs. Allaah Says )what
means(:"And ofHis signs is that He created for you from yourselves
mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you
affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give
thought."]Quran 30: 21[
Islamic tips to restore and maintain intimacy in marriage
Islam gave us detailed instructions that identify rights,
responsibilities and characters of both husband and wife to build
their relationship on mutual love,respect, and mercy. Here are the
most important tips that lead to a successful and happy marriage.
1. Faith:Common faith binds the couple strongly. Since Islam is a way
of life, it becomes an integralpart of a Muslim's life. Couples with
strong faith will share the same values and the frame of reference and
communicate smoothly and effectively. Faith plays an essential role in
developing a loving relationship.
Couples who work on strengthening their faith, for example by
performing the Prayer, reading Quran, and seeking Islamic knowledge
together, become closer. They love and please Allaah through loving
and pleasing each other. The commitment couples make to Allaah are
excellent facilitatorsfor enhancing their family's spiritual
development and commitment to Allaah and His Religion.
2. Forgiving:When the Prophetsaid to his Companions:"Do you wish that
Allaah should forgive you?"They said, 'of course, O Prophet of
Allaah.' Heresponded:'Then forgive eachother.'"
One of the main components of ahappy marriage is forgiveness. It is a
challenge not to blame and to move past an incident when one hurts the
other. This can onlyhappen if we are not too proud to ask for
forgiveness and we are not too stingy to forgive.
3. Friendship:A relationship based on friendship is more able to
withstand outside pressures. We mean the friendship that is based on
honor, trust, respect, acceptance and care for each other, in spite of
our differences.
4. Feelings:The Prophetstated that Allaah forgives all sinsif we
repent but not those we have committed against others, i.e., hurt
their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples
must be very carefulnot to hurt the feelings of each other and if they
inadvertently do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one
does love will leave this world, is it notbetter to make amends when
wehave the time?
5. Openness:Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe
to speak their mind honestlywith due consideration to the other's
feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication
is not sincere it hinders the development of closeness and deep
understanding of each other's inner self.
6. Flattering:Paving compliments and indulging in honest flattery isa
very inexpensive way to win your spouses heart. Everyone likes to be
appreciated and noticed. So being scant with compliments is actually
deprivingone of being appreciated in return.
7. Unconditional giving:The heartdoes not put conditions or make
stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such
selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
8. Fallibility:When couples start to demand the impossible they must
remind themselves that only Allaah is Perfect.