Married life between extravagance and stinginess

The following are phrases often heard from one spouse about theother:
"My husband is stingy"; "My husband does not buy me mynecessities";
"My husband gives money to his family and does notgive me anything";
"My wife exaggerates in her spending"; "My wife does not care about
saving, nor does she care how hard I work"; "My wife asks for too many
things," and so on.
It is difficult to find a household without such problems; the husband
accuses the wife of exaggerating in her expenditure and she accuses
him of being miserly; this leads to fights and disturbs married life,
and could, in some cases, lead to divorce and the complete destruction
of the family structure.
This problem, in all cases, occurs due to the lack of understanding of
the rights that each spouse has upon the other. One of the greatest
rights of the wife upon her husband is that he provides for her, and
his spending and providing for her is considered Islamically to be one
of the best ways that he could spend in charity; this includes food,
drink, clothing, housing and anything else a wife might need to
maintain her strength and live a normal life.
Allaah informs us that it is the duty of men to provide for their
wives, and this is one of the reasons men were made superiorto women,
as Allaah Says (what means):"Men are in charge of women by [right of]
what Allaah has given one over the other and what they spend [for
maintenance] from their wealth…"[Quran 4: 34]
There are many evidences from the Quran, the Sunnah and the consensus
of the Muslim scholarsproving that it is mandatory upon a man to
provide for his wife. In the Quran, Allaah Says (what means):"…And
upon the father is their [i.e. the mothers'] provision and their
clothing according to what is acceptable. No person is charged with
more than hiscapacity…"[Quran 2: 233]
There are many narrations in the Sunnah proving the obligation upon
the man to provide for his wife, children and anyone else who lives
under his guardianship,such as:
· Jaabir Ibn 'Abdullaahnarrated that the Prophetsaid in his Farewell
Pilgrimage:"Fear Allaah and treat women kindly - they are like
captives in your hands. You have been entrusted with them and are
ableto enjoy them based on the contract you have conducted. Their
right upon you is that you should treat them well in the matter of
food and clothing."[Muslim]
· `Amr Ibn Al-Ahwas Al-Jushamireported that he had heard the
Prophetsaying on his Farewell Pilgrimage, after praising and
glorifying Allaah andadmonishing the people:"Fear Allaah and treat
women kindly - they are like captives in your hands. If they become
rebellious in their behaviour, then do not share their beds and beat
them lightly; but if they return to obedience then you do not have
recourse to anything else against them. You have rights over your
wives and they have their rights over you. Your right is that they
shall not permit anyone you dislike to enter your home, and their
right is that you should treat them well in the matter of food and
clothing."[At-Tirmithi]
· Mu`aawiyah Ibn Haydahreported: "I asked the Messenger of Allaah"What
right can any wife demand of her husband?'' Hereplied:"Give her food
when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike her
on the face, and do not revile her or separate from her except within
the house."[Abu Daawood] Imaam Al-Khattaabi, may Allaah have mercy
upon, himsaid: "This proves the obligation of spending on wives and
providing clothing for them, but it should be in accordance to the
ability of the husband. The Prophetmade this mandatorywhether the
husband is present or travelling, and if he is unable to, then it
remains a debt on him which he must repay whenever he returns."
· Wahbsaid: "One of the servants of 'Abdullaah Ibn 'Umarsaid to him
(i.e., to Ibn 'Umar): `I plan to stay here in Jerusalem for a month.`
So Ibn 'Umar enquired: `Did you leave enough to sustain your family
during your absence?` He replied: `No`, so Ibn 'Umarsaid: `Go back and
give them what will suffice them during your absencebecause I heard
the Prophetsay:"Neglecting one's own dependents is reason enough for a
man to be committing a sin."[Abu Daawood] In the narration of this
story found in the book of Imaam Muslimthe Messenger of
Allaahsaid:"Itisenough sin for a person to hold back the due of one
whose provision is in his hand."
· Abu Hurayrahsaid: "I heard the Prophetsay:"It is far better for you
to take your rope, go to the mountains, (cut some firewood), carry it
on your back, sell it and thereby save your face (from shame) than beg
from people, regardless of whether they give to you or refuse you. The
upper hand is better than thelower one (i.e., the spending hand is
better than the receiving hand); and begin (charity) with those who
are under your care."It was asked: `Who are those thatare under my
care?' Hereplied:"Your wife and those (others) under your
guardianship."[Muslim]
Imaam Ibn Qudaamah, Imaam Ibn Al-Munthir and othershave said: "It is
the consensus of the Muslim scholars that spending on the wife is
mandatory upon the husband, unless the wife is disobedient."
The abovementioned texts prove that it is mandatory for one to provide
for his family and household and care for them. There are many
prophetic narrations indicating the virtue ofspending and providing
for one's family and household, such as the narration of Abu Moosaa
Al-Ansaariwho reported that the Messenger of Allaahsaid:"Whenever one
spends something in charity on his family, sincerely for the sake of
Allaah, he will be rewarded for it"[Al-Bukhaari]
Imaam Ibn Hajrsaid: "Providing for and spending on one's family is
mandatory even though it is referred to as charity in the texts; the
reason for it being referred to as charity is so that people will not
mistakenly think that they will not attain reward for spending in such
a way. Allaah clarified this so that people will not spend in charity
externally until they have sufficedtheir own household and encouraged
them by calling it charity."
Sa`d Ibn Maalikreported that Messenger of Allaahsaid to him:"You will
not spend anything in charity for the sake ofAllaah except that you
will be rewarded for it; even the morsel of food which you feed your
wife."[Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]
Abu Hurayrahreported: "The Messenger of Allaahsaid:"(of the following
types of expenditure): A Deenaar (i.e., a gold unit of currency) which
you spend in Allaah's way, or to free aslave, or as a charity you give
to aneedy person, or to support your family, the one yielding the
greatest reward is that which you spend on your family."[Muslim]
Ka'b Ibn 'Ajrahnarrated: "TheProphetonce passed by a group of his
Companions and saw one of them working hard while the rest of them
were saying: `It would have been rewarding if this hard work was
exerted for the sake of Allaah.' Sothe Prophetremarked:"If he has gone
out of his house striving to provide for his young children, then it
is considered as for the sake of Allaah; and if he has gone out
striving to provide for his old parents, then it is considered as for
the sake of Allaah; and if he has gone out striving in order to
suffice himselffrom having to ask others for money, then it is
considered as for the sake of Allaah; but if he has gone out (for the
sake of) boasting and showing off to others, then it is considered as
(going out) for the sake of Satan."[At-Tabaraani]
Our righteous Salafunderstood this obligation very well and it
reflected in their statements, such as the saying ofthe devout Imaam
'Abdullaah IbnAl-Mubaarakwhen he said: "Nothing can equal this in
other forms of spending - even spending in Jihaad for the sake
ofAllaah."
On the other hand, the wife has to realise that her husband is only
obliged to spend according to his ability and financial condition, as
Allaah Says (what means):"Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth,
and he whose provision is restricted — let him spend from what Allaah
has given him. Allaah does not charge a soul except [according to]
what He has given it. Allaah will bring about, after hardship, ease
[i.e. relief]."[Quran 65: 7]
Therefore, she has no right to overburden her husband with difficult
demands, because this contradicts the kindness that spouses should
have with each other. Additionally, Allaah warns us against excessive
spending, saying (what means):"Indeed, the wasteful are brothers of
the devils, and ever has Satan been tohis Lord ungrateful."[Quran 17:
27]
The wife should take into consideration the financial condition of her
husband and be conservative in her spending and demands; she should
sacrifice certain requests lest she might cause her husband emotional
anguish.
Conversely,the husband should not be stingy if Allaah provides him
with wealth; he should not deprive his wife of what other women of her
social status have of adornment, clothing and so forth, according to
his ability; he should also never remind her of what he is doing for
her. The husband should also know that financial inability can be made
upfor by kind words to the wife. When Allaah mentioned kindnessto
kinfolks, He highlighted how those who do not have financial ability
should behave and speak, saying (what means):"And if you [must] turn
away from them [i.e. the needy] awaiting mercy from your Lord which
you expect, thenspeak to them a gentle word."[Quran 17: 28]
Imaam Ibn Katheersaid, commenting upon this verse: "Meaning, when
one's relatives orothers whom he is commanded to support ask for help
while onehas nothing to give them, then he should promise them while
being kind and gentle in tone that when Allaah provides for him, he
will give to them."
Finally, both spouses should remember that kind words and good manners
make the other forget the hardships and tight financial situation they
are in, and help them endure patiently.