Errors committed whilst raising children

It is very unfortunate and painful that some fathers fail to perform
their duties towards their children as Allaah has commanded them to
do; they do not protect themselves, their wives and their children
from theHellfire. In some cases, they not only fail to raise their
children upon honesty, but worse than this, they deliberately raise
them as liars by teaching them to deceive and swindle others, claiming
that they are thereby teaching them how to be intelligent and
diplomatic in theirdealings with others.
Some teach their children how tobe aggressive and attack and oppress
others, claiming that they are thereby raising them to be brave.
Another group teach their children the ways and manners of the
disbelievers and how to imitate them, claiming that they are thereby
raising them in a modern and civilised way.
Having excessive trust in children:
Fathers must know who their children befriend, what they bring back
home with them and especially where their daughters go and with whom.
Some fathers are unaware that their children possess indecent
pictures, immoral movies and even drugs. Others are unaware that their
daughters go to the markets and malls especially to meet Satan )i.e.,
her boyfriend(; others do not know that their daughters smoke with
their female friends when in their houses.
Those who are not watchful over their children will not escape on the
Great Day of Resurrection from the torment from which nobody can
escape. Anasnarrated that the Prophetsaid:"Allaah will ask everyone
about those whom he was entrusted with."]An-Nasaa'i & Ibn Hibbaan[
Spoiling children:
Some parents are too emotional and tend to spoil their children, to
the extent that perhaps their children have never heard the word "no"
to anything they requested of their parents. The result of this is a
generation who cannot cope with the expected problems of life and who,
therefore, break down at the firstproblem they face. We do not saythat
parents should be harsh on their children and refuse all their
requests, but rather, parents should not surrender to their emotions.
'Umarsaid: "Get yourselves accustomed to harshness because bounties
are not always available."
Imaam Ibn Al-Qayyimsaid: "The parent must keep his child away from
laziness, extra comfort and being spoilt, and should raise him upon
the opposite of these. He should get him used to exerting effort
because laziness has evil consequences, which will cause eventual deep
regret; on the other hand, exerting effort and getting used to
striving in life is praiseworthy and has good consequences whether in
this lifeor the Hereafter, or both; this is because attaining high
ranks in this life and the happiness in the Hereafter are only
achieved through hard efforts and striving."
Imaam Al-Ghazaalisaid: "A father must protect his child by raising him
upon good morals and keeping him away from evil company; he must not
make him accustomed to having an easy lifeand must not make
entertainment and joy be his main interest, because this will result
in the child wasting his life in endeavouring to attaining these
pleasures and joys."
Treating children unequally:
A contemporary and evil social phenomenon that exists within some
families is that they fail to treat their children equally and fairly.
Some parents favour one ormore of their children over others by giving
them extra gifts,which is prohibited unless there is an Islaamic
justification for doing so, such as if the child is sick or has a debt
to pay off, or has just completed memorising the Quran, or parts of
it; other justifiable excuses for favouring achild over the others is
when he cannot find a job whilst having a large family to support, or
if he happens to be a student of knowledge who cannot work andseek
knowledge at the same time. A father who does favour one of his
children over the others, due to such valid circumstances, must have
the intention that he would have helped any of his children in such a
manner, if the circumstances were the same. The general evidence that
parents must be just is the saying of Allaah )whichmeans(:"…Be just;
that is nearer to righteousness and fear Allaah…"]Quran 5: 8[
The specific evidence for it is what was reported on the authority of
An-Nu'maan Ibn Al-Basheerwho said: "My father took me to the Messenger
of Allaahand said to him: 'I have gifted one of my slaves to this son
of mine.' The Messenger of Allaahasked:"Have you given such a gift to
every son of yours?"He replied, 'No.' Thereupon, hesaid:"Take thisgift
back."So my father came back and revoked his gift".]Al-Bukhaari &
Muslim[ In another narration of this incident, hesaid:"Be fearful of
Allaah and treat your children justly."Yet in another narration that
is found inthe book of Imaam Muslimthe Messenger of Allaahsaid:"I am
not going to bear witness to this act of injustice."
Imaam Ahmadsaid: "A son may be given twice the share of the daughter,
as is the case whendistributing the will."
One who looks at the situation ofsome families will find that
somefathers do not fear Allaah when giving gifts to their children.
Theygive them to some of their children and deprive others; or, they
may give to the children of one of their wives whilst depriving the
children of others, which implants enmity and hatred amongst the
children and cause them to not be kind and dutiful to their father;
this may inturn lead to the collapse of the family. The Prophetasked a
man who did not treat his children fairly:"Do you not wish that they
will all treat you with goodness and dutifulness?"]Muslim & Ahmad[
Some people mistakenly believe that correctly raising children is
limited to feeding them properly and providing them with adequate
clothing and education,and they disregard instilling high morals and
religious principles and etiquettes in them.
Others fall into the mistake of thinking that once they have placed
their children in school, the school shoulders the sole responsibility
of their cultivation.
Some fathers panic as soon as their child's temperature rises slightly
and rush in all directions looking for a doctor or a hospital;while on
the other hand, they areindifferent to the prohibitions or major sins
that the same child commits. We ask: what is the temperature of the
Hellfire? Why does the father panic at such a small temperature
increase but fail to protect his child from the Hellfire?
There are some parents who become extremely angry and losetheir sleep
when their child falls behind his classmates and performs worse than
them; they may hire a private tutor in order to make him catch up,
but, when he neglects his prayers or even totally abandons them, or if
he commits prohibitions or major great sins, they will not even rebuke
him for it.
Similarly, there are fathers who become enraged when their
childdisobeys one of his orders, but are careless when the same child
disobeys Allaah and shuns His commandments.
The father who neglects his children and does not guide them to adhere
to the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophetand fails to raise them upon
Islaamic tenets, beliefs and morals, will undoubtedly have hischildren
divert and become misguided, and they may even become dangerous
individuals in the community.
Do not forget that a righteous son is a source of goodness for you
after your death as the Prophetsaid:"When a servant)of Allaah( dies,
his )good( deeds will cease, except for three )kindsof deeds(: A
charity with continuous effect, a kind of knowledge from which people
draw benefit, and a good son who prays to Allaah for him."]Muslim[
Abu Hurayrahnarrated that the Prophetsaid:"The rank ofa man would be
raised inParadise, and he would ask why, and he would be told: `It is
due to your son supplicating for your forgiveness.`"]Ibn Maajah[
Finally, the Prophetsaid:"He who recites the Quran, studies it and
acts according to its teachings will be dressed on the Day of
Resurrection with a crown of light, the light of which is like that of
the moon, and his parentswill be dressed in two garments the like of
which do not exist in this life; they will ask: `How did we attain
it?`, they will be told: `It is due to your child memorising the
Quran.`"]Al-Haakim[