Women's Issues > - Difference in way of life in our marriage

Question:
My problem has been hurting me since I got divorced. My husband and I
have had issues since the beginning of our marriage. We disagreed on
many things getting into themarriage like how big the wedding should
be. If getting a ring was the right thing to do. How big should
thehouse we're buying going to be. I know these could be very trivial
issues compared to many disasters in the world and I realize this now
but the point is we entered this marriage with many stresses. I know I
wanted more than what he wanted to give but like any girlin my
position I had many suitors ask for my hand with great offers. I
picked one and hoped he will giveme what I want. We had nikah right
away after the engagement and it lasted for a year before the wedding.
I felt helpless because I was already married and I wondered had I
stayed engaged , would he have granted me my wisheswith much of a
struggle. We have a beautiful child now but we are divorced. We kept
having issues from his mother--incredible interferencein all of our
affairs...where we live, when we should have a kid, how much money my
husband should spend on me and so forth. My other issue with my
husband is that I put on hijab right before I met him. We met and got
married. I felt that hijab got me into this mess. Now I'm accepting
the qadar of Allah more that I ever did before and I'm hoping for a
better life. He handled his mother's issues he says but the
remainingissue is how religious Iam. I don't and never smoked or drank
or dated. I alhamdullilah am very pretty and I know that I could do
all of that and have funbut I don't want to. Allah's path is better
that any other. I just can't wear the hijab anymore. I emotionally and
physically suffer when I go out with it. I tried personal and family
counseling to fix this problem but we got nowhere we got divorced at a
time of anger. I asked for the divorce and he gave it to me. Now we
both regret it and want to get back together but the deciding factor
is me wearing hijab. He says that he won't expect much from me but he
needs some minimums and hijab is one of them. I really really
understand his point of view and he has every right to feel that way
but I'm really confused. I told him that I always tried to force
myself to do things for him so we won't destroy this marriage but this
timeI'm having such a hard time and I am not good at explaining my
feelings. He asked me to stay with my parents until I have figured out
what I will do about hijab and based on that he will decide whether we
should stay together or not meaning divorce if I take it off. I am
lost. I don't want tobreak this family and I don't want to suffer
everyday. I pray and ask for guidance believe me and I will continue
to do that butfor the mean time what do I do? I think sometimes why
couldn't he be more reasonable with me. Out of all of his friends he
one of the most strict ones I've met and yet he enjoys his life too. I
feel that my decision will affect my life, his and our son's and it
won't be pretty. I know I must have confused you already and I swear
I'm much more confused than I ever was. Many women don't wear hijab
but they aren't necessarily not religious. He has no faith in me now
and doesn't trust that I can be a good wife. I went through a lot with
himand what got to me the most is how ready he was to divorce me
whenever we had an issue. I hope your answer will guide me a little.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Dear Sister,
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for your question.
Given the seriousness of the situation, I strongly urge you and your
husband to seek marriage counseling.
There are only a few observations I can offer based on what I could
understand of your situation:
1. You and your husband have a child together. You owe it to your
child to consider the impact of a broken home on his future. Areyour
and your husband's issues irreconcilable?
2. You seem to be very conflicted about the purpose and status of
hijab. Hijab is a command from Allah Most High. To make the hijab a
bone of contention between you and your husband is a mistake. Are you
really prepared to sacrifice your marriageover hijab?
3. There are obviously deeper issues than whether or not to wearhijab.
You and your husband appear to have some compatibility issues that
absolutely must beresolved before you goany further.
4. There are valuable lessons that can be learned from this situation.
You and yourhusband need to decide if you can make a fresh start. (I'm
assuming the divorce isnon-finalized). You both need to make the
Guidance Prayer and mutually agree to seek marriage counseling tohelp
you work throughthese issues.
5. You both need to change the way you handle conflict. Threatening
divorce every time an issue crops up is unhealthy and, from a fiqh
perspective, risky. I pray you can work things out.

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