Entering the marital bond – :The wedding night

For a woman, the wedding day is one of the happiest and most exciting
days of her life. The preparations, the guests and the festivities are
all in anticipation ofthis very special event. At the same time, many
women also experience a great deal of apprehension and anxiety,
particularly as the wedding night approaches. Many are concerned about
how it will be for them, what will happen, how their newhusbands will
treat them. It is an unknown experience that stirs upmany emotions and
concerns.
Islam is a religion that has maintained the special nature of the
wedding and the wedding night, providing specific prescriptions for
those events. Intimate relations between a man and a woman are only
allowed within the marital bond, ensuring the uniqueness of that day
and that relationship. It is important to recall that the union of man
and woman is an innate occurrence and, because of that, it will come
naturally. Allaah Says (what means): "And We created you in pairs."
[Quran 78: 8] Islam has regulated this relationship on the basis of
wisdom and nature. Through marriage, the natural instinct is provided
for within reasonable and appropriate limits. This prevents the
disorder and disharmony that we see in societies where these limits
are not in place. The Islamic prescriptions are the most beneficial
for the human beings, as well as the society in regard tosexual and
marital relations. The individual is able to fulfill his or her
desires in a healthy and wholesome manner, while protecting the
society from iniquity at the same time.
So, as couples unite, they should reflect upon the fact that they
arefulfilling an important duty in Islam and will be rewarded
accordingly. There is also a spiritual component to this unionalong
with the other elements. This means that they will be accountable to
Allaah in all that they do in relation to this union. They are
embarking on a new course in life, which will present new challenges
and new joys. They will need to learn about each other – the other
person's needs, personality, temperament,and uniqueness. Patience will
be needed since any match will not be perfect and there will most
certainly be differences. This will be true regarding intimate matters
as well, and this should be kept in mind as the couple begins their
journey together on the first day of marriage. The couple should take
time to get toknow and understand one another and to discover the
uniqueness and desires of their new life partner. This should be done
in a gradual and sensitive manner. Each individual should be more
concerned about the needs and wants of their partner,more so than his
or her own self. This is a very delicate issue, especially for women
who are generally more sensitive and emotional.
Mothers, sisters and friends who are experienced should assist in
preparing the bride for the wedding night. They should be supportive
and provide her with the necessary information. This will lessen her
anxiety and make her feel comfortable knowing that other women have
had similar experiences. All of this should be done, of course,
without providing specific detailsof each individual's experiences for
this is a very personal matter. The discussion can be general and
based upon the Quran and the Sunnah.
The following are some of the etiquette that should be considered in
preparing for this special night. This information will also be
valuable and useful throughout the marriage.
1. Special supplications and prayer
As the union for a man and a woman embodies an inherent spiritual
component, the couple should remember Allaah at this time. The husband
should put hishand on his wife's head and supplicate for her. The
Prophet said: "If one of you marries a woman, he should take her by
her forelock, mention Allaah's Name and supplicate for blessing by
saying, 'O Allaah, I ask you for her good and the good of what You
have dispositioned her toward and I seek refuge (in You)from her evil
and the evil You have dispositioned her toward.'" [Al-Bukhaari]
Following this, the couple performs two Rak'ahs (units of prayer) together.
Before becoming intimate, the man should say, "Bismillaah, Allahumma
jannibnaa ash-shaytaana wa jannibish-shaytaana ma razaqtana," which
means: "In the name of Allaah, O Allaah, ward off Satan from us and
ward off from Satan what you grant us." The Prophet said: "Then, if
Allaah decrees that they should have a child, Satan will never harm
him." [Al-Bukhaari] This should be said before each intimate act in
order to protect the children who may be conceived.
2. Cleanliness
Miswaak (tooth stick) –It is recommended for each partner to clean his
or her teeth and mouth with Miswaak or a toothbrush. This will make it
easier for them to come close to each other and enhance the relations.
Shurayh Ibn Haani' said: "I asked 'Aa'ishah, what theProphet would
begin with when he entered his house and she said: 'Cleaning his
teeth.'" [Muslim]
Wudhoo' (ablution) and Ghusl (ritual bathing) – after the couplehave
completed the sexual act and wish to repeat it, it is recommended to
perform ablution before this. This is the Sunnah of the Prophet as
demonstrated in the following narration. The Messenger of Allaah said:
"If one of you has gone to his wife and he wishes torepeat the act, he
should (first) perform ablution." [Muslim] After completion of
intimacies, it is required for both spouses complete Ghusl (a ritual
bath) before resuming prayer and other religious acts.
3. Appropriate behavior
The husband may approach his wife in any manner that he wishes as long
as it is through the vagina. Allaah Says (what means): " Your wives
are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of
cultivation however you wish and put forth [righteousness] for
yourselves…" [Quran 2: 223] It is imperative to stay away from the
anal area and to avoid intercourse when the woman is menstruating. The
Prophet said: " Whoever has intercourse with a menstruating woman or
with a woman through the anus has committed disbelief in what has been
revealed to Muhammad." [Ahmadand Abu Daawood] These acts areto be
avoided because they are unnatural and they may lead to various
physical, psychological, and interpersonal problems.
The union between a man and a woman is a special gift which hasbeen
given by Allaah. It is one of the bounties of this life and, as such,
it should be treated accordingly. It is a relationship that should be
based upon love, compassion, and concern for the other. It is an act
of charity for which Allaah will reward both partners. The Prophet
said: " In having intercourse (with your wife) there is an act of
charity (for which you shall be rewarded)." The companions said, "O
Messenger of Allaah, one of us fulfills his desires and he will be
rewarded for that?" He said: "Do you not see that if he fulfills it in
a forbidden way that he will have its burden (it being a sin). In the
same way if he fulfills it in a permissible way, he shall have a
reward." [Muslim]
As the couple begin their life together as husband and wife, they
should keep to these important principles and, Allaah willing, Allaah
will reward them with a long and happy life together.