Her husband treats her kindly but he does not give her her shar‘i right to intimacy; what shouldshe do?

Im married for 4 years and we have two children. We have a nice
marriage with no fighting and Islaam comes first.
But I feel that everythingcomes from my side, I lurn my children
everything, also Islaam, my husband is always working, may Allaah
bless him for taking careof us.
But now for 3 years he do't wanna be intimate with me, only 2 times
maby and then I was pregnant.
Because of my 2 pregnancys I became weight and that's why he said and
he sheated on me , I forgave him, and we had after a muchbetter
marriage but without intimacy, I always have to help him with oral sex
but I really need also intimacy, I allready lost a lot of weight , I
always makes myself beautiful for him, I know I'm beautiful, I do
everything for Allaah and for him and for my children, he says there
is no better or beautiful wife than me, but he dont touch me, I tried
everything. He say that itis not me but he is tyred from job. My
feelings start also to become less,he had a long beard, now it is so
short, I always talk about Islaam with him, he say that he is so proud
of me. But hehurted me so much times trough are marriage, we also
still dont live together and it's killing me. It 's so long story,
ghair insha Allaah.
I want love and intimacy, i wanna feel beautiful and loved and...He is
a good man, like he is sweet and calme and give me everythinh what I
need, but the most important I don't have with him
What must I do, and do you have an advice for him?
If I have to give you more information, I will do that.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
There is no doubt that what you mention is very difficult for a
youngwoman. A woman may be able to do without her husband spending on
her or providing her with accommodation, clothing or other material
needs. She may be able to do without allof that, by spending from her
own wealth or her family's wealth or whatever… But she has no way to
maintain her chastity and fulfil her physical desire except her
husband, or by means that Allah has forbidden – Allah forbid that she
should think of that or be tested in that way.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked
about a man who stayed away from his wife for a month or two months
and did not haveintercourse with her; was there any sin on himor not?
Could the husband be asked to do that?
He replied:
The husband is obliged to have intercourse withhis wife on a
reasonable basis, which is one of the most important rights that she
has over him; it is more importantthan feeding her. It was said that
what is obligatory with regard to intercourse is once every four
months, or according to her need and his ability, just as he should
feed her according to her need and his ability. And the latter is the
more correctopinion.
Majmoo' al-Fataawa, 32/271
Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (1006) from Abu Dharr (may Allah be
pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him) said: "…the intimacy of one ofyou (with his wife)
is a charity." They said: O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfils
his desire, will he be rewarded for that? He said: "Do you not see
that if he did it in a haraam manner, there would be a burden of sin
on him for that? Similarly, if he does it in a halaal manner, he will
be rewarded for it."
In that case, what the wise husband must do is take care of his wife
in that regard and give it priority over everything else, so that he
may keepher chaste, conceal her and meet her needs as much as he can,
even if he does not have an urgent need for that andeven if he had to
do it only for her, for the sakeof meeting his wife's needs. In that
there will be reward for both of them, in sha Allah, and a means of
help so that they attain spiritual and worldly wellbeing.
Secondly:
There is no doubt that what you mentioned about your husband's
situation and that having gone on for a long time without him
satisfying your needs but doing his duty towards you, is something odd
and needs to be dealt with.
If the matter is as you say, that you have not fallen short in your
duties towards your husband of adorning yourself for him, endearing
yourself to him and being prepared to meet your husband's needs, then
we think that you, along with your husband, should look at two things:
1. Make sure that there is no medical problem that is preventing
your husband from doing that, whether it is a psychological problem,
as often happens, or a physical problem. We think that the possibility
of this is not very strong,because of what you mentioned about your
husband doing that withyou, even if it is not frequent, and even his
falling into that which is haraam, even though heis married to you!
2. Make sure that you close all avenues to your husband fulfilling
his desire, except with his wife. It is natural that if your husband
has got used to other ways that are haraam, such as masturbation, or
immoral relationships – Allah forbid – or ways that are permissible,
such as fulfilling his desire with his wife without having
intercourse, then it is natural that this will weaken his desire to
have intercourse with his wife. If he has got used to these ways,
perhaps that means is that he is able to do without his wife
altogether, no matter how beautiful she is or what she does for him.
In that case, we advise you to give up all ways that may lead to that.
What you mention aboutoral sex is one of the causes of the problem and
is not a solution to it. So fulfil your husband's needs in all
permissible ways and adorn yourself for him, and ensure that
fulfillingdesires is done by meansof
some shared action that will fulfil the rights of both parties and
allow each to fulfil the duties that Allah has enjoined towards the
other.
That also involves making sure that your husband does not repeatthe
haraam action that he admitted to you and that he has repented from
that action. Try to keep him away from that as much as possible,even
if that is by changing the environment and the place where you live,
if you are able to do that.
If you do that and make the effort, but your husband does not change,
and he continues to fail to fulfil your rights and keep you chaste by
means of that which Allah has permitted, there is no doubt that the
suffering in that case is somethingthat carries weight in sharee'ah.
So if you cannot put up with your husband any more and you fear that
you may fall into haraam or think of it, then you can ask for
separation from yourhusband. Perhaps if he sees that the matter is
serious, he will mend hisways, and if he goes ahead and divorces you,
perhaps Allah will replace him with someone who is better than him and
grant you someone who will keep you chaste. Allah, may Hebe exalted,
says (interpretation of the meaning):
"But if they separate (by divorce), Allah will provide abundance for
everyone of them from His Bounty. And Allah is Ever All-Sufficient for
His creatures need, All-Wise."
[an-Nisa' 4:130].
But as you know, this should be the last resort.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
Causing harm to the wifeby not having intercourse is grounds for
annulment in all cases, whether the husband did that intentionally or
otherwise, and whether he was able to do it or not; it is like
maintenance, and even more important. End quote.
Al-Fataawa al-Kubra, 5/481-482
We ask Allah to set things straight between you and your husband, and
to endear him to you and you to him, and to reconcile between you.