Stop trying to control others, and change yourself instead

"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of apeople until they
change what is in themselves." (Quran 13:11)
Brothers and sisters, each of us must accept that we can only change
ourselves. That is the key to changingour situations in life. We can't
control anyone else's feelings or actions. We cannot make anyone love
us, treat us better, respect us even when we deserve it, accept us
even when we are right, befriend us even when we are sweet, orbelieve
in us even when we're true.
Dua' is not a magic spell that allows you to controlother human beings.
Neither will Allah coerce anyone to love us or acceptus. Of course He
can – He has power over all things –but it is not His way. Allah
created us with free will, the ability to choose our own paths in
life, and He does not take that away bycontrolling our emotions
orcompelling us down predetermined roads. Yes, everything is written,
but that does not mean it's forced, only that the outcome is known to
Allah in advance.
I am thinking specifically ofpeople who imagine that there is some
special dua' (prayer) they can say to make someone love them, or stop
abusing them and treat them kindly instead. There is not, to my
knowledge, and Allah knows best. And the same principle extends to all
human interactions: dua' isnot a charm or potion that you can use to
control others.
This is true even in very important matters such as guiding people to
the truthand bringing them to the worship of Allah. We can certainly
pray for Allah to guide someone, but we must understand that Allah's
guidance consists of showing clear signs, no more. It's up to the
individual to make the choice to believe or not. Allah does not force
the outcome.
"And if there was any Quran by which the mountains would be removed or
the earth would be broken apart orthe dead would be made to speak, [it
would be this Quran], but to Allah belongs the affair entirely. Then
have thosewho believed not accepted that had Allah willed, He would
have guided the people, all of them?" (Quran 13:31)
In other words Allah could certainly force everyone into submission if
He willed, or He could manifest miraculous and powerful signs – such
as the earth splitting or the dead speaking – that would compel all
human beings to submit in fear and awe, as He said:
"If We willed We could send down a sign from heaven to them, and then
their necks would be lowered to it in subjection." (Quran 26:4).
For that matter, Allah couldhave created us all in subjugation from
the start. He chose not to.
If Allah chose to leave such critical issues within the realm of our
free will – vital issues such as acknowledging the truth ofAllah's
power, worshiping Him or serving false gods, following the Prophets or
rejecting them (and some even killed their Prophets!)– if He chose to
leave theseall-important issues within the realm of our agency, and
under the dominion of our discretion, do you thinkHe is going to
violate the principle of free will in order to force your boyfriend or
girlfriend to love you and come back to you?
I'm sorry, but this is what itseems to come down to forsome people.
They actuallyspeak of committing suicide if the boyfriend/girlfriend
does not return (ignoring the fact that this relationship
isIslamically unlawful in the first place), then they want a dua' that
will force the object of their desire to fall in love, as if dua' is
some kind of magic powder froma fairy tale.
Nor is dua' going to force your husband to stop abusing you and become
kind and loving. Nor will it change occupiers into happy campers so
that they quit their occupation, or turn tyrants into hippies who will
wear flowers in their hair and open the political prisons. I'm not
belittling these oppressive situations – they have haunted me for most
of mylife, and I consider myself ahuman rights activist. And I'm not
saying that dua' is not effective against oppression – actually the
Prophet (pbuh) has told us that the dua' of the oppressed is one of
those categories of dua' that is guaranteed a response.
Narrated Abu Ma'bad, that the Prophet said, "… and be afraid of the
curse of an oppressed person because there is no screen between his
invocation and Allah." Sahih Bukhari: Volume 2, Book 24, Number 573.
But the response is not going to be forcing someone else to change
heart, or become loving, kind or peaceful. That is an artificial
expectation and it doesn't work that way.
What, then? Is it all hopeless? No, far from it! The hope does not lie
in changing someone else, it lies in changing yourself. That's the
whole point. Your free will and power do not extend over others, but
they do encompass yourself....