Marital Life, - Look out for your husband after the age of forty

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It is common among many people to consider a grown man to be an adolescent if he travels a lot and leaves his own adolescent children with no one to take care of them. Also, when some people notice that a forty-year-old man changes his style of clothes or his general appearance, they begin to believe that he has abandoned his known reverence, and, consequently, they consider him like an adolescent. Some others would like sports but give it up and prefer spending their time in places of entertainment. Other people consider a forty-year-old person a teenager because of his keenness in maintaining his physique to the extent that it makes him concerned with the dimensions of his body and follow a special diet. Other people consider the forty-year-old man a late teenager when he begins to think of marriage after solving his children’s problems or when the children leave the house in order to marry or work abroad. Some people denounce the idea of this man's marriage. Other people consider a man at the age of forty or fifty a late teenager when he starts to return to his house at different times after it had been his habit to return at defined and known times to the members of his family.
There are many situations and behaviors that people consider a late adolescence for a man at the age of forty, fifty or sixty. I disagree with them about some of these things and agree with them about others. Such scenes cannot be considered a general and widespread phenomenon. However, we will discuss some irregular scenes by illustrating the issue of the "good example" which a man at the age of forty or fifty must represent. Such a person is a role model for his children; hence, he should behave in a good way and avoid anything that might negatively affect the reverence of a person of his age. I will mention an incident, which a brother told me about; this incident shows how some people ignore the principle of being a good example in their attitude and outlook. This brother was driving a luxurious car near a traffic sign and the sound of the stereo was giving off a clamorous noise. Another car was next to his and a man who seemed to be around forty was driving it. When the young man saw this man, he lowered the sound of the recorder out of respect for him, but the man looked at him and lifted his hand, which was holding a cigarette. As a reaction to this shameful scene, the young man again raised the sound of the stereo.
Late adolescence at the age of forty appears very distinctly to the woman, especially the wife who monitors this change and remains perplexed about her husband who is undergoing a second stage of adolescence that has no definite limit; it may be at the age of forty, fifty or even sixty. Such a wife may ask: What is the role that I have to play? A wife may lose her husband and thus has to quickly rescue him from this predicament before he falls into the trap of this late adolescence. This may be achieved as follows:
1-Having a strong attachment to the husband from the early years of marriage. In doing so, the wife should not overlook a very important issue, namely, forgetting the husband amid her preoccupation with the children’s upbringing. She should share her husband's hobbies with him. Nothing should prevent the woman from drawing closer to her husband and reconciling their viewpoints. This would not allow the gap between them to widen in the course of time and would not cause something that the woman hates to happen. She should know that her husband is like a plant; if she does not look after it, it will dry up and die.
2-Having confidence in herself and in her husband. If a wife feels content and self-confident, this will be reflected on her home and life. However, if she does not have self-confidence, everything in her house will turn into fire. Therefore, she should realize that her beauty does not lie in maintaining the beauty of her face and her physique; rather, it lies in her self-confidence. Many women remove the wrinkles from their faces and at the same time remove their self-confidence. They do so in the search of beauty while neglecting self-confidence; they do not even attempt to read their husbands' looks.
3-The man needs feelings of sympathy, compassion and deep love, even at such an advanced age. Hence, do not neglect this emotional and cognitive communication between you, for it will inevitably add cooperation to your life. I know that maturity makes it difficult for the tongue to express such feelings, but lack of this may result in emotional dryness or in a distressing divorce. Yes, one of the spouses may feel shy to express such emotions for such reasons as the presence of the children or maturity. However, for the sake of a happy life, these emotions have to be expressed, even through an occasional good word, praising some work that was done by one of the spouses and showing admiration for the style of one’s partner. I am sure that this will have a positive effect on spreading love as well as satisfying the required emotional and psychological aspects. Without this, life would become dry and superficial. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And of His signs is that He Created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He Placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.{]Quran30:21[
In my opinion, if the spouses’ interests are varied, a man will not search for another woman to be closer to him. Considering only the physical needs pushes man to this late adolescence. This occurs when the man finds leisure time, or let us say, an emotional vacancy, something which makes him regress to a stage that is not suitable for his age. This attracts attention to him and he becomes the topic of the hour. Some people may make fun of him or of his conduct. Therefore, the wife has to kill the boring routine between her and her husband by exchanging gifts, for instance. She has to sit with her husband and remove any residual disagreements that might have been generated from any misunderstanding between them. The couple should treat the disturbances in their lives with frankness. We should also not forget the words of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam:"The best of you is the best in treating his household ]i.e. wife[."
When the father lives in an atmosphere that is full of indifference and irresponsibility, when he spends most of the time with his friends in places of entertainment, when he descends into lack of awareness while neglecting his children and family, then this means the loss of his family. The treatment of such indifference is individual and social upbringing.
Finally, I am certain that the solution to this social problem lies in the hands of the wife of this adolescent; she should have confidence in herself and her actual and personal ability and she should also monitor his real reactions. If she does this, she will win back her husband’s heart.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Do not make your wife beg

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Every human needs to be appreciated and loved, and to have this love expressed in many different forms and in many situations. There is nothing more beautiful or pleasant than a word of love between spouses whose hearts have been united by Allaah The Almighty in lawful matrimony, making them sufficient for each other and filling each other’s emptiness. If a husband neglects his wife without trying to respond to her emotions, problems will emerge. It will be a disaster if another man notices this emptiness and tries to fill it in an unlawful way.
Society excuses husbands who marry another wife, saying that perhaps the first wife failed to satisfy their needs, but we need to ask what a wife should do when she misses appreciation and love from her husband. This is a message for every husband who considers love to be a weakness, appreciating the wife as recklessness, and good words to be a waste of time.
Wives’ Complaints
Khadeejah ‘Abdullaah, an employee, says “My husband stops talking to me for days, even though we live with our extended family. Everyone notices that he talks to everyone except me. He always accuses me of being unclean and careless about my home. I work more than half the day and return home tired. He does not help me and all my salary goes to the family.”
Umaymah ‘Aabid, a teacher, said, “I married him when he was a student. I worked and supported him and his sisters. Once he had a job opportunity, he left me, went abroad, and married a nurse. He gives token sums of his money and time. The relation between us is almost severed. Where are appreciation and gratefulness, let alone love?”
Basmah Ahmad, an employee, says “I helped my husband when he was a humble, penniless employee. I gave him money that he used as capital for a small project which Allaah The Almighty had blessed. In the beginning, he would come and ask me for advice and we led a happy life. When he became rich, he also became stingy and he only gives us the minimum amount that is necessary for us. He favors his relatives over us. Then he married another wife. This drove me to hate life and see that there is no such thing as appreciation, let alone love.”
On the other hand, Nusaybah ‘Abdur-Rahmaan, a housewife, says, “My husband cares for my feelings, especially in front of his family, helps me at home and always defends my rights. This increases my love and appreciation for him. You cannot give what you do not have; I can give my husband love because he has given me love.”
Incorrect Upbringing
With regard to the effect of upbringing on the way in which men fail to appreciate their wives, Dr. Ahmad Al-‘Amri, professor of Psychology at Cairo University, says,
The mistake that parents make when they are raising their children is that they regard the male to be superior and distinguish between the male and the female. The girls serve the boys. The boys eat and the girls clear the table. On the weekend, the boys sleep late while the girls help the mother with the housework. The boy throws his clothes everywhere around the house for his sister to gather and put in order. He orders her around. The boy is raised to believe that he is superior and that girls are inferior.
A mother is the example of a woman to the boy; when he sees her being degraded, he gets used to the idea. When he grows up he has the same attitude toward his wife that he had towards his sister and so his wife then is also degraded. We wrong our children, ourselves and others when we raise our children this way. When the boy becomes a man, his way of dealing with the other ]the wife[ is rough and austere because he did not grow up in an atmosphere of love and affection, and was not taught that a man could not be faulted for expressing love and appreciation. A boy who is raised in an atmosphere of love and is taught to show appreciation will be keen on expressing his appreciation and gratitude about any good thing that his wife does; he will express his admiration for a nice dress that she wears and will praise her efforts. In him doing so, she will feel appreciated and her life will be enhanced.
Dr. Yoosuf Qaasim, a professor ofSharee‘ahat Cairo University, tells us about the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and his manners with his wives, may Allaah be pleased with them, as well as his appreciation for them. The wife is the nearest human to a man; so, she should be treated generously. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“The best ones amongst you who are those who are best towards their wives.”Anas ibn Maalik, may Allaah be pleased with him, said,“I served the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for ten years, and he never even said to me, ‘Fie’ and never asked me why I did this or why I did not do that.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ If this was the manner of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, with his servant, how was his manner with his wives?
There are many situations where the care of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for his wives was manifested. When his wives, due to their jealousy of the great beauty of Safiyyah bint Huyayy, may Allaah be pleased with her, scoffed at the fact that her father was Jewish, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, comforted her and said to her:“Reply to them saying I am the wife of a prophet, my father was a prophet and my uncle was a prophet,”referring, of course, to Moosa )Moses( and Haaroon )Aaron(, may Allaah exalt their mention. If any one of his wives got angry with another one, he would judge kindly in favor of the wronged party. When ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, once broke a utensil that belonged to Hafsah, may Allaah be pleased with her, he ordered her to give Hafsah another one like it. Even in his final illness, he asked his wives permission to be nursed by ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, in her room. This was his manner with his wives. Every Muslim needs to emulate him because he,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam,is the finest example for every believer. In our religion, a good word is considered charity and a wife is the worthiest person of her husband’s charity.
Highlights
Never place your wife in any of these situations:
The wife works hard to prepare a delicious meal for her husband, hoping for a ‘thank you’, but all she gets is, “My mother cooks better than you!”
The wife dresses up and waits for her husband, then he arrives and acts as if he hasn’t seen anything noteworthy and declines to comment.
The husband humiliates his wife in front of his family and speaks about her disparagingly.
The husband never says to his wife a word of love or praise.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Dought & clear, - Health care for prisoners in Islam.

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i have a project in the quality of health care in the prison.. do the prisoners have the same health care like other people.. what is the isalmic prespective of justic and equality in this case??
Praise be to Allaah.
Islam pays great attention to the matter of prisons and the circumstances of prisoners; it is rare to find anything similar to this in any place or time. The fuqahaa’ discussed in their books the rulings pertaining to prisoners, their circumstances and how they should be treated. This concern stems from the Islamic concern for the protection of man and respect for his humanity.
To make the matter easier to understand and to make the rulings more clear, the scholars divided the subject-matter into two parts: the rulings pertaining to the personal health of prisoners, and the rulings pertaining to health care in the place that is used as a prison.
One: Rulings pertaining to the personal health of prisoners
Imprisoning a sick person. The fuqahaa’ discussed the matter of imprisoning a person who is sick in the first place – do the authorities have the right to imprison a sick person? The answer is that this is the matter of ijtihaad, and the final decision rests with the Qaadi (judge) who must weigh up the reason why this person is to be imprisoned, the seriousness of his disease and the possibility of taking care of him in jail. If sufficient health care is available for this sick person in prison, and he is not suffering a serious illness which could kill him if he is detained, it is permissible to imprison him. If such care is not available, the judge may hand him over to someone who can treat him and guard him, without releasing him completely, until it is possible to imprison him again.
If a prisoner becomes sick whilst in jail. If a prisoner becomes sick whilst in jail and it is possible to treat him there, then he must be treated without bringing him out. Doctors and servants should not be prevented from going in to see him, treat him and serve him. If not treating him leads to his death, criminal charges are to be laid against those who were the cause of that, and they are to be punished. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) passed by a prisoner who was in chains, and he called out, “O Muhammad, O Muhammad!” He came to him and said, “What is the matter?” He said, “I am hungry – feed me. I am thirsty – give me water.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded that his needs should be met. (Narrated by Muslim, 3/1263). And no doubt medical treatment is what the sick person needs.
But if it is not possible to treat him inside the prison, he must be taken out to a place where it is possible to treat him, under the supervision of the jail or whoever is delegated to the task of watching and guarding him.
With regard to these rulings, the fuqahaa do not differentiate between physical illness and psychological illness (true psychological illness, that is, as opposed to the made-up psychological illness or the regular psychological illness which many lawyers use as a means of getting criminals let off). Hence the fuqahaa’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) stated that it is not permissible to lock the door on the prisoner – so long as there is the certainty that he will not run away – or to put him in a darkened room, or to harm him in any way or to do anything that will make him terrified. His relatives should not be prevented from visiting him, because this will have an effect on his health and psychology.
It is prescribed for the authorities or their representative to set up a special medical wing in the prison, to take care of the prisoners’ health needs. This will spare them the need to take them out to public hospitals and expose them to possible insult and humiliation.
Prisoners should be allowed to see their wives and to have intimate relations with them, if there is a suitable place for that in the jail, as a protection for them and their wives.
The fuqahaa’ stated that it is obligatory to enable prisoners to do wudoo’ and purify themselves, which is undoubtedly an important protective precaution against sickness.
Two: Rulings pertaining to health care in the place that is used as a prison
The place that is used as a prison should be spacious, clean, well-ventilated, lit by natural sunlight, and furnished with the necessary facilities such as washrooms, etc.
It is not permissible to gather such a large number of prisoners in one place that they will not be able to do wudoo’ and pray.
Three: there follow some of the things which the fuqahaa’ stated it is haraam to use when disciplining or dealing with prisoners:
Mutilating the body: it is not permitted to punish a prisoner by cutting off any part of his body or breaking any of his bones. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) forbade mutilation of prisoners-of-war and said: “Do not mutilate.” (Narrated by Muslim, 3/1357).
Hitting the face, etc., because of the humiliation involved. By the same token, it is not permitted to put chains on prisoners’ necks or to lay them on the ground to whip them, even if this is the hadd (Islamic punishment) prescribed for them, because this involves humiliation and harms their health and bodies.
Punishment by fire, strangulation or holding a prisoner’s head under water – except in cases ofqasaasand where the punishment needs to fit the crime. For example, if a person has committed aggression against another by burning him, it is permissible to exact retribution against him in the same manner.
Starving prisoners or exposing them to the cold, or feeding them harmful things, or preventing them from wearing clothes. If a prisoner dies because of such things, his jailer may be executed in retribution (qasaas) or be required to pay diyah (blood money).
Removing prisoners’ clothing, because this uncovers their ‘awrah and exposes them to physical and psychological illness.
Preventing them from relieving themselves, doing wudoo’ and praying. It is obvious that this is harmful to the prisoners’ health.
Examples of Muslims’ concern for prisoners:
The hadeeth mentioned above shows how the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) issued commands that prisoners should be cared for and their needs for food and drink met. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) often used to hand prisoners over to his companions and urge them to treat them well.
The Rightly-Guided Khaleefah ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib (may Allaah be pleased with him) used to inspect the prisons, meet the prisoners in them and enquire about their circumstances.
‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-‘Azeez, the fifth Rightly-Guided Khaleefah, used to write to his employees, telling them to see how the prisoners were and to take care of the sick among them.
The ‘Abbaasi khaleefah al-Mu’tadid allocated 1500 dinars of the monthly budget to be spent on the needs and medical treatment of prisoners.
When the ‘Abbaasi khaleefah al-Muqtadir imprisoned one of his wazeers, Ibn Muqlah, the wazeer got sick. So the khaleefah sent the famous doctor Thaabit ibn Sinaan ibn Thaabit ibn Qurrah to treat him in jail, and he urged him to treat him well. The doctor used to feed him with his own hand and treated him very kindly.
At the time of the khaleefah al-Muqtadir, the wazeer ‘Ali ibn ‘Eesaa al-Jarraah wrote to the head of the hospitals of Iraq at that time, telling him: “I have been thinking, may Allaah grant you long life, about those who are in prison. With their large numbers and rough accommodation, they are not free from disease. They are prevented from doing things which will benefit them and meeting with doctors whom they can consult about the sicknesses they are exposed to. So you have to appoint doctors for them who will go in and see them every day and take them medicine and drinks, and who will go around to all the jails and treat the sick in them and prescribe medicine for them.” This care lasted throughout the khilaafah of al-Muqtadir, al-Qaahir, al-Raadi and al-Muttaqi.
For more information, please see:Ahkaam al-Sijn wa Mu’aamilat al-Sujanaa’ fi’l-Islam, p. 367-379;al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah, part 16, p. 320-327
And Allaah knows best.
Ahkaam al-Sijn wa Mu’aamilat al-Sujanaa’ fi’l-Islam, p. 367-379; al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah, part 16, p. 320-327

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M