Story, - Love is not always at yourdisposal

You want him to love you! You want him to not only say that he loves
you, but also to truly mean it! You want him to love you with that
kind of love that can change someone; the kind of love that shuts his
eyes closed for everyone but you and puts you in a halo of light
around you. You want him to see the fire in your eyes, your eyes and
only yours. You want him to feel the softness of your hair, your hair
and only yours. You want him to seek the warmness in your arms, your
arms and only yours. You want him to look for your advice, yours and
only yours. You want him to love you and only you. You want, and want,
and want...
But all you are left with is wanting!
Why is the world like this ? You love someone, you give him
everything; your heart, your sole, your respect, your trust, you give
him your entire being and he doesn't love you back. He can't or we
doesn't want to, that's not what matters. The important thing is that
it is the reality.
You want him to confide in you about everything; to be faithful, to
spend his time with you, to be next to you, when you need him to; you
want him to need you and your affection, yours and only yours. But
there comes a point in which you realize how much you actually want.
What you want is impossible.
And of course, you start looking for the reason within yourself. You
start thinking that you are not giving everything that you possibly
can; that you are not the one that he would madly fall in love with
and you start wanting to become her; the perfect woman, the one that
he is looking for and is not finding in you. But even if he starts
loving you when you become her, he wouldn't actually be in love with
you, but with the one that you are trying to become; the one that you
actually are not. And this wouldn't constitute real love.
You are aware of this and you are trying to find an answer, a much
needed solution. How to make him love you??? Can you possibly make him
love you? No, right?! There is nothing more that you can do.
You have tried everything, but it just doesn't work. He cannot love
you. Maybe it's you or maybe he isn't capable of loving you, or maybe
you just weren't meant to be. But you love him so much that you can't
face it and you know very well that you must do so, because you are
the only one who is actually suffering! But it's all the same to you
whether you are with him or not, knowing that he doesn't love you and
that maybe he isn't even being faithful.
The only thing you want is to be with him and for him to love you.
That makes two things. Ok, then, you settle with just one of them. Why
do you do that? Because you love him. You love him more than you love
yourself, and this is the biggest mistake in the world that someone
can make, the stupidest thing, the biggest sin. But you aren't even a
believer; you are not afraid of being a sinner.
You have suffered enough and you are not afraid to sin over and over
again, while looking for your true love. You want that to be him,
because you are tired of this never ending search; you are tired of
the scheming, the hurt feelings and the broken hearts.
You are too tired to keep going, knowing that the person next to you
doesn't really love you, nor in his words, neither in his heart and he
isn't even trying to hide it. You are fed up with it, but yet you keep
going. You keep going because you want to be with him, you want him to
love you; you want this more than anything, even though you realize
how much you are missing out on; even though you realize that your
soul is rotting away, stricken by the coldness coming from his heart.
You keep going without even seeing the point; without finding any
reason to continue. But why is everyone looking for a meaning?
Sometimes love is just meaningless; ti makes us do things that make no
sense, but isn't this why it's called love!
The thing that we are always looking for; the thing that we are not
afraid to give out even to people that don't deserve it; the thing
that we so stubbornly keep blaming for every mistake that we do; the
thing that we desperately need in order to feel alive... More vital
than the air, more desired than the sun, more beautiful than life
itself... And this is why we absolutely want to have it. But can we?
Can we have love at our disposal as if it were an item, a material
thing; something that we can sell, give or exchange. We can't, but it
seems like this is exactly what we want. We are corrupting its
saintliness.
Look at how far we got, didn't we? And you simply wanted to say what
you want! What you want, but what you are not getting and what you
aren't going to get, no matter how hard you try. Simply because you
cannot have love at your disposal!

Fathwa, - Talking to a girl I am intending to marry whilst living abroad

Question:
Firstly, jazakumullah khayran for the honorable service you are
rendering to the islamic community by making us more aware of our
responsibilities. I have browsed answers from your site relating to my
question. But I felt it could be somewhat different to what I have
seen so far, although it could also be that I have missed any such
points previously or an answer. I am intending to marry a girl from
whom I live away, as I am studying abroad. I must admit I don't feel
good about starting the relationship which happened quite a while
back, when I was not so aware of my obligations towards being a
muslim. We just went out to eat etc, a few times and it wasn't proper
conduct on our part. We have decided not to ever meet before marriage
inshAllah. There has been no formal engagement though. I have some
knowledge about few verses in the Quran and authentic hadiths which
relates to conduct of men and women. I don't claim to be an authority
on the subject, but what I have understood is that it is advised
primarily to close all avenues leading to Zina. So for that matter
even a 'harmless exchange of letters' can be a threat if the
participants are in the vicinity of each other. Now there is
absolutely no way for us to meet even if we wanted to, in the next 5-6
months. My query is -are we allowed to chat, talk or text; not to
necessarily engage in romantic conversations every time but just to
keep in touch? If I cut out talking on the phone owing to the fact
that women's voice are supposed to be part of her awrah (although one
of the reasons for this is to protect her from strangers' desire, who
are in the vicinity and the subsequent threat), can I still converse
online or send texts? Please excuse my points of view about the
following if I have misunderstood at all. Jarir ibn 'Abdullah said
concerning his wife, "(Before marriage) I used to hide under a tree to
see her." If persons intending to marry had all the same qualities as
strangers, wouldn't it be unlawful for a person to look at a woman's
awrah? I am also aware of the following hadith reported by Abu Dawud
-The Prophet (peace be on him) said, "When one of you asks for a woman
in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry
her, he should do so." which probably indicates that developing love
before marriage is not unlawful. Finally, I'd like to know if there is
a strong hadith where there is an explicit command not to engage in
letter writing or similar purports between persons intending to marry,
who are living far apart.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Brother,
I pray that you are doing well and experiencing the joys of strong
iman and good health.
Thank you for your question.
We have actually addressed the issue of instant messaging and online
conversations previously, but I'd be happy to reiterate the key
points.
The etiquette of engaged couples, or those who have agreed to get
married, is the same etiquette followed by unrelated men and women in
general. Until you and your fiancee have signed your marriage contract
or had your nikah ceremony, then you are still, from the perspective
of Sacred Law, "strangers." What this means is that any contact you
have with each other must be chaperoned.
To my knowledge, there are no hadiths that address the issue of
letter-writing specifically. However, there are hadiths, such as the
one you mentioned above, that emphasize the permissibility of looking
at one's intended spouse.
For example:
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported: I was in the company
of Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) when there came a man and
informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar.
Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Did you cast
a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her,
for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. (Muslim, Book 8, No.
3314)
Obviously, if the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, advised
men to look at their prospective wives, then it follows that meeting
with one's prospective spouse and talking to him/her is also a good
practice. Cutting off the avenues to zina does not mean avoiding any
and all contact with your intended spouse. It means that when you are
together, you observe the boundaries of gender etiquette.
In this situation, online chat and instant messaging are more
problematic than talking on the phone. A woman's voice is not awrah,
and there is nothing wrong with calling your fiancee, provided that
you have her family's permission, and that she talks to you in the
presence of others. I would definitely steer clear of instant
messaging unless there is some urgent matter that needs to be
communicated. Letter-writing is less problematic, especially if you
observe the proper adab. However, online chat and emailing are best
left alone because it's easy to let one's guard down in these
contexts.
Again, if you'd like to stay in touch with your fiancee, which is only
natural, then I suggest that you confer with her and her family about
the most appropriate method. If you're planning to spend the rest of
your lives together, then you need to communicate.
I hope this is helpful.
And Allah knows best.

Fathwa, - Non-Muslim Courtesy

Question:
I am a non-Muslim living in America. I am studying the history and
culture of Islam and find myself overwhelmed by the intricate social
interactions. What greetings and phrases should I, as a non-Muslim,
refrain from using when conversing with Muslim friends and students?
What topics are taboo to speak of with Muslims, either male or female?
And finally, what customs should I be sure to observe to be confident
I will not inadvertently offend through my ignorance?
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Questioner,
I pray that this message finds you in good health and spirits.
Thank you for your sensitivity to issues of social etiquette. This is
an important question.
First of all, please don't be overwhelmed. Islam's social structure,
particularly in the area of gender relations, might appear very
complicated. However, in reality, if you just stick to a few basic
rules, then you should have no problem interacting with Muslims.
1. Greetings and phrases:
You are free to use any greeting you wish. Some non-Muslims like to
use the Muslim greeting of peace when interacting with Muslims. If you
would like to try this, just keep in mind that some Muslims are
surprised to hear salaams from non-Muslims, and might not respond
automatically. Others, however, will have no problem with this.
Ultimately, use whatever greeting you are comfortable with.
I can't think of any particular phrases or expressions to avoid.
Consider the way you would speak to someone with whom you are getting
acquainted. Normally, you would avoid overly familiar or casual
speech. I think this is a rule that would apply to everyone, no matter
their religion.
2. Taboo topics:
Again, the context is important. When I studied Islam in Syria, the
Shaykh (religious scholar) who founded our school, Ahmad Kuftaro (may
Allah bestow His mercy upon him), spoke frequently about the concept
of hikma, or wisdom. He defined wisdom as the ability to do what is
appropriate at the time when it is appropriate, and in the manner that
is appropriate. He said that this was the hallmark of the Prophetic
Sunna, the living tradition of the Prophet Muhammad, Allah bless him
and give him peace.
Muslims try to apply this concept of wisdom to their social
interactions, particularly with members of the opposite sex.
If you are conversing with Muslims, and especially with Muslim women,
then you will want to steer clear of topics that are antithetical to a
pious Muslim life, such as premarital or extramarital sex, drinking,
drugs, partying, etc. I bring these things up because I have been in
situations where non-Muslim classmates have revealed details of their
lives that I would rather not have heard. A good rule of thumb is
this: is this a topic you would want your little sister discussing
with a guy? If not, then it's better to avoid it.
3. Customs:
Again, the only customs to observe when interacting with Muslim women
(and I'm assuming that you're male) are to avoid shaking the women's
hands or making any sort of physical contact. Observant Muslims avoid
the sort of casual physical contact with the opposite sex to which
we're accustomed here in America, such as shaking hands, hugging, etc.
Also, in terms of eye contact, you'll notice that observant Muslims
will avoid staring at members of the opposite sex. This lowering of
the gaze facilitates modesty and respect for the other person and
shouldn't be interpreted as a lack of confidence or unfriendliness.
To conclude, gender etiquette among Muslims is not as complicated as
you might think. As long as you avoid explicit or suggestive
conversation, don't make physical contact, and maintain a respectful
and modest demeanor, then interacting with Muslims of the opposite sex
should not be a problem.
And Allah knows best.

Fathwa, - Instant messaging for marriage

Question:
I am searching for a wife online. SunniPath Q&A's seem to discourage
or even seem to hint at prohibiting instant messaging with a
prospective spouse. However, I can't seem to figure out how then email
or phone would be any different. Phone is also "instant", and when you
need to get to know someone then emails could be going back and forth
pretty quickly, such that it's almost like chatting, but only slower.
If 2 people are outgoing and talkative, then the risk of getting
informal on the phone would probably be just as high as through
instant messaging. Thus, I really don't believe that instant messaging
with a prospective spouse in itself would be haram, rather it would
depend on how you use it. Could you please confirm? When you need to
get to know someone, instant messaging would make things a lot more
quicker and perhaps effective than email.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Brother,
I pray this message reaches you in good health, lofty spirits, and strong iman.
Generally, it is improper to engage in conversation with an unrelated
member of the opposite sex without need. However, as indicated in
previous SunniPath answers, it is permitted to talk to a member of the
opposite sex when there is some purpose. Obviously, talking to someone
with the intention of getting to know that person for marriage is both
purposeful and permissible.
Please see Can I Talk To My Fiancé?and Instant messaging with the
opposite sex. Both of these answers address your question. Obviously,
if you are searching for a wife online, any communication with that
sister will be online. Nonetheless, whichever method you choose to
communicate, please be sure to mutually adhere to Islamic adab. One
usually knows when one has crossed those boundaries. If you have any
doubts, then that is a definite indication that you need to find a
better way to communicate. As a matter of caution, you should avoid
chatting in private, and, particularly, at night. It's very easy for
an ostensibly legitimate conversation to digress into gray areas.
I hope everything works out for you.
And Allah knows best.