Husband too friendly to non-Muslim women

Question:
Assalam alaikum
Living in the US, I have a hard time coming to terms with the culture
here.The women here wear unIslamic clothing (deep necks,scanty
clothing).
My husband's nature isto speak freely with allwhether men or women and
of very jovial nature.
My blood burns when Isee him speaking freely with these nastywomen. I
had several arguments with him, leading to a strained relationship.
Otherwise he loves medearly and is loyal to me. How should I reconcile
to my environment? I feel depressed most of the time and cannot
concentrate on anything including Salah.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah's peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger.
Dear Sister,
I pray this message finds you in good health and spirits.
Here's something I want to emphasize to you:
You said, and I quote,"Otherwise he loves me dearly and is loyal to me."
Alhamdulillah! This is all you could ask for in a Muslim husband. As
long as he is pious, aware of Allah at all times, and truly devoted to
you, then you have nothing to worry about.
Yes, the way the women dress is very disturbing. But you must remember
that these women do nothave divine guidance. There is really no such
concept as modesty in this society. But don't think of all non-Muslim
women as "nasty." Many of these same scantily-clad women, through
Allah's mercy, may one day come to Islam. I know sisters who are
themost modest, sincere Muslimahs today, who just yesterday were
running around barely dressed!
Please don't be depressed. We women do have a tendency to get jealous;
however, this isn't a very effective strategy. What you can do is
communicate your concern in a positive way to your husband. Tell him
how you really love his jovial personality, but could he exercise more
caution in his interactions with the opposite sex. Gently remind him
of the Qur'anic injunctions about lowering one's gaze.
Most importantly, be positive. Your husband has a beautiful Muslim
wife. Let him know that. Alhamdulillah, we stand out from the crowd.
Embrace that by being the best example of a Muslimah you can be.
My teacher once told me,"Bloom where you are planted." What this means
is that we should strive to flourish no matter where Allah Most High
has placed us on this earth. America offersmany opportunities to
Muslims: we can give da'wah, attend university and work withour hijab
on, help those less fortunate, and become active in our own Muslim
communitiesand in the larger society.
When you see these women, don't resent them. Feel confident thatyour
husband loves you. Give them a smile, treat them with kindness, and
show them a positive example of Muslim womanhood.
May Allah Most High blessyou and your husband.
And Allah knows best.

Fathwa, - Soul mate... potential spouse or potential disaster?

Question:
asalaamu alaikum,
By Allah's grace, I have recently come in contact with a brother with
whom I share a deep connection. The level of our connectionis so
intense that it is either too good to be true or too overwhelming.
Whatever it is, both of us agree that we have never had such an
exprience with anyoneelse ever.
We are both dedicatedmuslims and sincere inour path of
spirituality.However, it has come to our attention that we may have
certain differences in how we view our deen. It seems to me that for
him the beauty of Islam is in all its details. Where as I want to make
sure that I keep my practicesimple yet extremely sincere. That works
best for me as compulsion tends to make me lose sight of what is
really important which is being the best servant to Allah.
Do you think that in the end, two people should follow their hearts
and go with thepassion Allah has put in their hearts for one
another?... or is it best to make sure all the Islamic views match
before more feelings are involved?
thank you... wa salaam.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah the Absolutely Gracious, the Absolutely Merciful.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah bless our Beloved Prophet and give him peace.
Dear Sister,
I apologize for the delay in responding.
I pray you are in good health and iman.
The number one thing todo is to make the Guidance Prayer, or
Salatal-Istikhara._______________________________________________Both
you and the brother need to make this prayer. Once you have turned to
Allah MostHigh for guidance, then take the next steps.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, gave us certain
criteria to use when selecting a spouse. The first and foremost is
religion. In a rigorously authenticated hadith, the Prophet, Allah
bless him and give him peace, said, "A woman is married for her
wealth, her reputation, her beauty or her religion. Choose the
religious one or you may be ruined." Scholars explain that this hadith
also applies equally to choosing a husband.
Our first choice may be to go with our feelings. However, it is
important to note that the fires of passion can be quickly
extinguished, particularly when the novelty of the spouse wears off
and the realities of married life set in.
After making istikhara, it is important to have some serious
conversations with this brother. Obviously, the conversations must be
chaperoned, so why not choose someone with experience in marriage
counseling? Allah willing,this person can help you identify areas of
potential conflict and suggest useful strategies for dealing with
these issues.
Make no mistake. Every marriage has some degree of conflict, even when
the spouses appear to be completely compatible. What's important is
how the spouses react to each other during the conflict.
Are these issues so fundamental in nature that they could drive
youapart? That is something you and the brother will have to
determine. It is difficult, if not impossible, to find someone who has
completely matching views. On the other hand, such differences,
ifstrong enough, can be a source of constant bickering.
My advice is to take theseconcerns to a reliable scholar. You may also
want to consider running the household according to a particular
school of thought. If both husband and wife agree to run the household
according to a particular school of thought, this may resolvesome
potential conflict.
Last but not least, please consult Ustadha Hedaya Hartford's excellent
guide to Islamic marriage. You can find Initiating and Upholding an
Islamic Marriage at a lmuhajabat.com. This book addresses some of the
key issues you've raised: romantic love, selecting a spouse, and
conflict resolution.

Fathwa, - My rights as a (second) wife

Question:
I wanted to know what rights I had in my Deen in this dilemma. I am my
husband's second wife, and our marriageis undercover from everybody,
my family and his family. We have been married for over three years
now. When we got married my husband assured me that in three years
time he would tell his wife and family, but just a few months laterhe
told me he could never tell her, because he fears he may lose his
children.
All this time I thought things might change, but they haven't and I
think it is very unlikelyto change. He doesn't spend any time with me,
maybe an hour every 6-8 weeks, he doesn't even have timeto talk to me
over the phone, and these things hurt me very much. When I married him
I accepted the fact I had to share him, but this isn't 50/50. When I
complain that he doesn't spend any time with me he says I am
pressurizing him, so I don't say anything,and if I am upset over this
he tells me I am feeling sorry for myself.
If I knew that things would be like this, thatour marriage will never
be public knowledge, I would have never married him. What am I suppose
to tell my family, who except me to get married. How do I explain this
to the world what my relationship is with this man? I've tried talking
to him many times; he just suggestsI look for anther man to marry. I
don't think he knows how much this is hurting me, how much it effects
me. He gets all this rights as my husband, yet he has taken away any
rights Allah SWT has given to every wife.
I cannot talk to anyoneabout my problems, because I'm not allowed to
tell anyone.Every problem I face, I have to face alone. He says he
loves me, but they are just words to me now. I feel like I ambeen
unjustly treated, that's he has misled me.
I would really appreciate if you couldgive me some advice, maybe I am
just looking at this from my point of view, and that I am wrong in
thinking like this. AllahSWT knows best.
Allah Hafiz
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Sister,
I pray that this message finds you in in good health and iman.
You are correct: this is a difficult situation.
My first piece of advice to you is to make sure that you have some
documentation of your marriage. Since the community was not informed
of your marriage, you need to besure that you can prove that you are
this brother's wife. Were there any witnesses to the marriage? Do you
have a contract?
You need to go to the person who performed the marriage ceremony and
apprise him of the situation.
Even more importantly, you need to consult a reliable scholar, Imam,
orMuslim marriage counselor and let them know what is happening.
The brother has violated your rights as a wife on several counts.
Sacred Law absolutely requires men to treat their wives equitably.
Equitable treatment includes, but is not limited to:
1. Financial support and maintenance
2. Housing
3. Companionship
4. Fair division of time between households
This is the letter of the law. If a man cannot dealequitably between
wives, it is impermissible for him to enter into a polygynous
marriage.
The scholars on SunniPath caution against men entering into such
marriages for the very reasons you describe. Obviously your husband is
concerned that if he were to tell his first wife about you, then their
marriage would break up. Since there are so many relationships at
stake here, yours, his first marriage, and his relationship with his
children, you need to reconsider the wisdom of staying in such a
situation.
Please ask Allah Most High to facilitate the bestcourse of action by
turning to Him in istikhara, or the prayer for guidance.

Employment concerns forworking Muslim women – II: Working from home)a solution(

For single and married sisters who must work due to financial need,
this presents a perplexing dilemma on one hand the true economic need
is there, on another the tremendous temptation and tribulation. These
hardships have led some sisters in dire straights to turn totheir
local mosques for financial aid or in humiliation to the welfare
system; in most cases whatever assistance they do receive is never
enough to cover even the most modest living expenses. These options
can only offer short-term assistance and are not a solution to a
long-term need. One option that may work for most of us is working
from home.
Most of us are aware of the industriousness of the Prophet'swife,
Khadeejah. Shewas by all accounts, an astute businesswoman. Although
Khadeejahwas a wealthy woman, starting a home-based business today
does not require alarge investment. In fact, in most cases, a small
home-based endeavor may only require minimal funds to start-up. In
addition, most of us are also aware that Islam has blessed women and
permitted them to conduct business for themselves. There is no
question that it is permissible, but how we choose to carry out that
blessing is the key issue.
As Muslim women, we have certain obligations, such as our home and
family, which should always be our utmost priority. We must never lose
sight of the importance of those obligations; being good mothers and
wives is much more crucial to our life in the Hereafter than working
at another job will ever be. Raising our children to be trustworthy,
honest Muslims is a means for us to acquire our goal of
Jannah)Paradise(, and that is something that no monetary wealth can
ever accomplish no matter how great. Knowing this, we have a choice to
make, and protecting ourselves by working from the security of home
can make a world of difference to our family and more importantly, to
enable us to safeguard our religion.
The notion of working at home isnot something new. The "work-at-home"
idea has been echoed for years from scam artists and homemakers alike,
all trying to make some extra cash. However, with the advent of the
Internet, anew door has opened. Freelancing has become commonplace
today's job marketand employees are now telecommuting more than ever
before. Working from home can now be a reality instead of a dream for
Muslim women.
Excellent benefits:
The benefits and rewards of working from home are innumerable. You are
your own boss, and are therefore free to manage your own time. For
example, if your child needs attention or if you need to perform your
Prayer, it is your prerogative when to take a break; you will be on
your own time, not someone else's. If your financial situation
improves and there is not a need to work a great deal, the option to
take a vacation is yours. You will have the ability to deal with your
customers only via e-mail, eliminating face-to-face contact completely
and using the telephone altogether. What's more, you also get the
added benefit of deciding when to reply to that e-mail, when you have
thetime. Checks come to you, rather than you going to them. In other
words, the work can revolve around your life, rather than vice-versa.
One of the most beneficial aspects of working from home is that it can
be done by one person, or as a family venture. The effect of working
as a team can even bring the family closer together while
simultaneously benefiting it financially. Everyone from the young to
the old can participate in running a home-based business. It can also
be one of the most effective hands-on learning opportunities for
children. Running a home-based business incorporates various real-life
skills that children can discover such as marketing, advertising,
developing business concepts, math and teamwork.
Home business also provides a solid foundation to teach a child
Islamic work ethics. For Muslim women, it is a win-win situation. You
are able to be with your children, earn extra money from your home and
set a schedule that works best for yourself and your family.
Working from home is also a great way for sisters to band together and
develop an organized effort networking theirtalents. If you are
someone that has computer or business skills, you can donate your time
to teach other sisters that are in need of work so that they may
benefit their own families, and in turn you will be rewarded, Allaah
willing.
Our homes are a protection for us, but our homes can also be
profitable, not only Islamically but also economically. It is up to us
to be resourceful thinkers and find what each of us can do from our
home to help our families and ourselves, while preserving and
protecting our religion and chastity.
Final advice:
This was an attempt to give an alternative to substitute having to
indulge in an out-of-home working environment. However, if a sister is
forced to get into such an environment, then she must realize that
Hijaab, on its own, makes a statement telling she is a proud and
committed Muslim. This, if done sincerely, could repel much harm from
her.
The most important advice for sisters to remember is that no matter
where we are, or what we are doing, we should be persistent in
fulfilling Allaah's commands, be ever mindful of Him, and rely solely
upon His grace and assistance. If we are in a job where we feel that
our values are being compromised, the best option is to leave.
Allaah,Almighty, should always be our first priority, not money,
personalsatisfaction, or desire for prestigeor power. If things seem
too overwhelming or difficult, we should always turn to Allaah and ask
for his help and guidance.
The Prophetsaid:"Allaah the Almighty says:'I will be for My slave as
he thinks of Me. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he
makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and
if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of himin an
assembly better than it. Andif he draws near to Me a hand's span, I
draw near to him an arm's length; and if he draws near to Me an arm's
length, I draw near to him a fathom's length…"]Al-Bukhaari[
If you absolutely must work, thenmake sure that before you apply for
any job to perform the Istikhaarah Prayer and seek guidance from
Allaah and place the matter with Him – indeed Allaah is the Best
Disposer of affairs, and the Best to rely on. Let us rely upon Allaah
in all of our matters, whether personal, social, or professional.