Family Issues, - Guidance for the Muslim Wife - Complete book. (Part 12)

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GOOD ADVICE
1. It is wrong to tease someone about a past incident. Women have this evil habit of mentioning past incidents of grief and sorrow which have already been forgiven and forgotten. This renews the enmity.
2. Do not complain about the in-laws at home. Some complaints are sinful, show lack of patience and most often increase the enmity on both sides. In the same manner do not praise your family and exalt them in front of your in-laws. This can lead to the sin of pride and arrogance. The in-laws will be perturbed at the behaviour of the daughter-in-law.
3. Do not speak too much as this can result in something unsuitable being uttered.
4. As far as possible do not give your work to others. Do it yourself. In fact do the work of others as well. Not only will you be rewarded but you will be liked by everyone.
5. Neither pay attention nor listen to those women who gossip. Besides this act being sinful these women cause dissension.
6. If you hear any complaint about your mother-in-law, sister- in-law, the wife of your husband's brother or any near or far relative, do not conceal it in your heart. It is better to regard it as a lie and discard it. If you do not have that much courage, face the person who mentioned the complaint to you and clarify the matter so that no corruption spreads.
7. Do not be harsh on the servants. Ensure that your children do not harrass the maid's children because they, out of respect will not say anything verbally but will be hurt within.
8. Appoint a time to teach girls the Quran and books of deen. If books are not easily available, teach them the complete Behishti Zewar (Heavenly Ornaments by Ml. Ashraf Ali Thanwi). Also ensure that they learn some art or craft. However other subjects and arts must only be taught after they have learnt the Quran.
9. Do not make the girls that come to learn by you do any of your housework. Treat them like your own children.
10. Do not take any burden upon yourself for the sake of fame.
11. Be simple and humble in your ways. Wear simple clothing. Do not try and adorn yourself excessively when intending to go out.
12. Do not mention the flaws of a person's family or those of a deceased person. Not only is it sinful, it also causes undue grief.
13. Return someone else's utensil as soon as possibe. Do not mix it with your own utensils but keep it separate, so that it does not get mislaid. It is sinful to use anyone's property without his permission.
14. Do not form a habit of eating lavishly. You may not be able to afford sumptuous meals all the time.
15. Do not forget a person's favour no matter how insignificant and do not boast of your favour no matter how great.
16. The best way to spend your free time is to read a book. Do not read books which have an evil influence.
17. Never raise your voice when speaking. It is shameless for women to let their voices be heard outside.
18. If you wake up at night, do not disturb anyone by making a din. Maintain silence in whatever you are doing.
19. It is disrespectful to laugh at the elders. Do not be too free with young children otherwise they will become disrespectful.
20. If everyone stands up in a gathering, you should not remain seated as this is a sign of pride.
21. Do not praise your family or children in front of anyone.
22. If there is remorse between two people, do not say anything inflammatory to either of them.
23. Do not be harsh.
24. Do not express anger over anyone in front of a guest. The guest will not be at ease as he was before.
25. Be courteous to an enemy as well. His enmity will not increase.
26. Do not let crumbs of bread lie around. Whenever you see some crumbs, clean them and eat them. If you cannot eat them, give them to some animal. If the tablecloth has fragments, do not dust it off where someone walks.
27. After completing a meal do not leave the food and stand up as this is disrespectful. First clear the tablecloth and then get up.
28. Girls should not play habitually with boys because the habits of both become spoilt. If any unknown boy enters the house, the girls should move away from there.
29. Do not scuffle mockingly. Most often it causes frustration and sometimes it can cause an injury. Also do not frequently joke in such a manner that it angers another person.
30. Do not sit at the head-side of an elderly person that is lying down unless you are asked to do so.
31. When you borrow something from someone, safeguard it carefully and return it as soon as you have finished using it. Do not let the person ask you for it. How will he know that you are no longer using it? Secondly, he may not ask you out of consideration. Similarly if you are owing money to someone, pay him as soon as you can.
32. If you have to walk at night, remove the anklets from your legs. Do not let them tinkle whilst walking.
33. If there is only one person in a room and the door is closed, do not suddenly open the door and enter. He may be in the nude or he may be sleeping and will be disturbed. First call out softly and ask permission to enter. Enter only after obtaining permission, otherwise remain silent and leave. If it is something very urgent, call out aloud to wake him up.
34. Do not criticise a nation or town in the presence of someone you do not know. It will be highly embarrassing if he happens to hail from that town or nation.
35. Similarly if you do not know who has done a certain act, do not say "which idiot has done this" or something similar. It will be highly embarrassing if it is someone you know.
36. If your child denies doing any wrong, do not take the side of your child especially in front of him as this will spoil his habit.
37. When marrying your daughters, ensure the piety and religiousness of the boy. A boy with a good religious background will care for his wife properly. However if a person is very wealthy but he is irreligious, he will not know the rights of the wife and will not be loyal to her.
38. Some women have the habit of throwing a pebble towards a person from behind the curtain in order to attract his attention. The pebble can injure someone. Use other means to attract a persons attention without injuring anyone.
39. Mark your clothing with a floral label etc. to prevent the clothing from getting mixed at the cleaners. It is not permissible to take someone else's clothing.
40. There is a custom amongst the Arabs that if a person wants something as a blessing from a pious saint, he will give the saint something and tell him to use it for a few days. In this way the buzurg (saint) does not have any hesitation, otherwise if 20 people ask the saint for something, he will not even have a cloth left for himself. It is a very suitable custom to adopt.
41. If someone makes a statement and you want to contradict it, do not attribute it to someone else who upon hearing what you said will resent it.
42. Do not accuse anyone on mere suspicion without investigating. It can be very distressing.

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Family Issues, - Guidance for the Muslim Wife - Complete book. (Part 11)

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CARING FOR THE CHILDREN
1. Wash the child's hands, face, neck, ears, and groin properly with a wet cloth each day . When dirt collects, the flesh becomes putrefied and sores develop as a result.
2. When the child urinates or passes stool, cleanse him immediately. Do not merely wipe with a cloth as this results in a rash and a swelling on the body. During cold weather use warm water.
3. Make him sleep separately and join the sides of the bed or place two pillows on the either side so that he does not fall. If you let him sleep next to you, there is the fear of him getting crushed under you unknowingly. His limbs are very tender and great precaution must be taken.
4. Do not let him form a habit of playing on the swing as swings are not availabe everyhere. Also do not keep him in the lap for too long as this makes him weak.
5. Form the childs habit of going to everyone. By going to one person only, the child will be unduly grieved if that person passes away.
6. If you want a wet-nurse to breastfeed your child, choose one whose milk is good and who is young, with a good character. She must be religious; not foolish, shameless, ill-mannered, miserly and greedy.
7. When the child begins to eat, do not let the wet-nurse feed him. Feed him yourself or let a responsible person feed him so that he does not overeat and become sick. When administering medicine, have it prepared and given in your presence.
8. When he begins to understand a little, let him form a habit of eating with his own hand. Teach him to eat with the right hand and to eat less so that he be free of illnesses and greed.
9. The parents or guardian should take care that the child is always clean. If the hands and face get dirty, they should be washed immediately.
10. If possible, there should be someone to keep an eye on the child while he is playing and protect him from injury and evil company.
11. The servant should be emphatically told not to feed him in any place. If someone gives him something to eat, he should bring it home and show it to the parents.
12. The child should be taught not to ask anyone for anything besides the buzrugs (saints) nor take anything from anyone or take anything without permission.
13. Do not show too much affection for the child thereby spoiling him.
14. Do not make him wear very tight clothing.
15. Inculcate in him the habit of using miswaak regularly.
16. The first part of this book contains etiquettes for eating, drinking, speaking, meeting people, sitting and awakening. Teach the child these etiquettes. Do not feel that he will learn them himself when he grows up or you will teach him at that time. Remember that no one can learn himself and by reading he will become aware of it but a habit will not be formed. As long as he does not have these habits, no matter how educated he may be, he will always be ill-mannered and shameless.
17. Do not pressurize the child to learn. Initially appoint one hour for his learning, then two, three and so on. Make him strive according to his capacity. Do not teach the whole day as this causes excessive fatigue. If there is too much strain, his heart and mind will deteriorate, his memory will weaken and he will become lazy like a sick person. He will ultimately lose interest in studying.
18. Besides a few minor vacations he should not be given too many holidays without necessity as this will bore him.
19. Engage the service of the most perfect and knowledgeable person available in the field he has chosen. Employing cheap teachers will have detrimental results.
20. Arrange the learning program in such a way that the easy lessons are taught in the afternoon and the difficult ones in the morning because a person becomes tired later in the day and fears difficult lessons.
21. Children, especially girls should be taught cooking and sewing.
22. Teach the boys not to make istinja (purifying oneself after answering the call of nature) in front of others, especially females.

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Family Issues, - Guidance for the Muslim Wife - Complete book. (Part 10)

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EXPERIENCE AND ORGANISATION
1. As far as possible do not have both your sons' or both daughters' weddings at the same time because there will be a difference between the daughters-in-law and the sons-in-law, in the features of the boys and girls, in their neatness of clothing and in their modesty. There are many other factors in which there will be differences and people have the habit of extolling one and criticizing the other. This will unjustly hurt the feeling of the other.
2. Do not trust each and every person nor be in the habit of leaving the house in someones custody. Until you are not confident of a persons integrity, do not place your trust in him. In some areas many women enter the homes, some in the guise of hajees with a piece of the cloth of the Kaaba, some making taweez knots etc., some as fortune tellers and some with amusements. Do not let them enter the house. They have destroyed many a home.
3. Do not leave your safe or box which contains money, jewellery and valuables open and walk away. Either lock it or take it with you.
4. As far as possible do not purchase goods on credit. However if you are compelled to do so, make a note of the price and the date of purchase and pay as soon as possible.
5. Keep a record of the clothing given for washing. Do not rely on your memory.
6. As far as possible keep the house expenses to a minimum. In fact you should save from the amount you are given to use for the house.
7. Do not tell those women who habitually come to the house from elsewhere such things which you do not want others to know of because they carry tales to many houses.
8. Do not cook rice and flour by estimate. Approximate your expenses and measure the ingredients for both meals. Do not pay heed if anyone teases you.
9. When your daughters go outside, do not make them wear jewellery. There is fear of both life and wealth.
10. If a man comes to the door and explains his relationship or friendship or any kind of contact with your husband, father or brother, do not allow him inside i.e. even after making pardah nor give him anything valuable. Send food etc. to him as if he is a stranger. Do not show too much affection and sincerity unless a male from the house recognizes him. Similarly do not use anything which he may give you. Do not be perturbed if he gets offended.
11. If an unknown woman comes and informs you that she was told to come and fetch you, do not accompany her. Do not do any work which a stranger may tell you to do, nor give him anything from the house.
12. Do not let such a tree grow in the house, the fruit of which can injure someone.
13. Wear warm clothing in winter. Most women do not wear sufficient clothing and this inevitably results in colds and flu.
14. Teach the children the parents' names and even the grandfather's name and ask them occasionally in order for them to remember. The benefit of this is that if the child gets lost and is asked about his parents, he can mention the name. In this way someone or the other can return the child to the parents. If the child does not know the name, he will say I am mummy's child or daddy's, making it difficult to trace the actual parents.
15. At a certain place a woman left her child and went away for some work. Meanwhile a cat came and scratched the child so viciously that he died. Two lessons can be learnt from this: Firstly, a child should not be left alone. Secondly, dogs and cats can never be trusted. Some women foolishly make the cats sleep with them. What guarantee do they have of the cat not striking a paw deceivingly at night, or biting or getting hold of the jugular vein.
16. Before using any medicine always show it to the doctor first. Clean it thoroughly before using. Sometimes an unqualified doctor may give you a wrong prescription. Whatever medicine remains over in a container or sachet should be labelled otherwise no one may recognize it. No matter how expensive it was, it will have to be discarded. You may remember wrongly and use it for some other illness, thus causing even more harm.
17. If you do happen to give a loan, do not give too much. Give an amount which, in the event of non-repayment will not overburden you.
18. When intending to undertake something new or major, first take the advice of an understanding, religious and obliging person.
19. Keep your money and valuables safely hidden. Do not mention it to everyone.
20. When writing a letter to someone write the address clearly. If you happen to write to the same person again, do not leave your address out assuming the addressee to have remembered it from your first letter. Allah knows best whether the first letter reached or not. If perchance it did not reach, how much inconvenience the addressee will experience especially if he does not know the address by memory or is illiterate.
21. When travelling by public transport eg. a train, safeguard your ticket very carefully. Do not be negligent and sleep in the train nor tell any fellow passenger your secret or mention anything about your valuables and jewellery. Do not eat anything given to you by strangers eg. betel leaf, sweetmeats etc. Do not wear jewellery when travelling by train. Keep it safely in a box etc. You can wear it on reaching home.
22. Always keep some loose coins in your pocket.
23. Do not interfere with an insane person nor speak to him. If he is not in his senses, he may say or do something that is highly embarrassing to you.
24. Do not place your barefeet anywhere in the dark nor your hand. First switch the light on and then proceed.
25. Do not tell each and every person your secret. By mentioning it to others it is more likely to be exposed.
26. Keep the necessary medicines at home.
27. Always ponder at the consequence of any act before attempting it.
28. Do not purchase crockery and utensils unnecessarily as this destroys ones wealth.
29. If women are sitting in a train and their husbands are sitting in another coach, the women should not alight by observing or hearing the name of the station they intend going to. Some cities have 2 or 3 stations. There is a possibility that the men may alight at another station resulting in both parties separating and causing unnecessary inconvenience. The women should disembark only when the men come to fetch them.
30. Women should also keep the following items with them: a book of masalahs (laws), a pen, paper and a jug for wudu.
31. Do not ask people going on a journey to bring anything for you nor request them to take anything. These requests most often cause inconvenience. If you intend to send a parcel or a letter, it can be posted.
32. Do not partake of anything given to you by a stranger on a journey. Sometimes criminals give poison or intoxicants with the intention of looting your belongings.
33. Whilst hurrying to catch the train, be careful not to sit in a class higher than the one you paid for.
34. Whilst sewing, if a needle gets stuck in the cloth, do not remove it with your mouth. Sometimes it may break or slip and pierce the palate or tongue.
35. Always keep a nailclipper with you.
36. Do not ever put medicine in the eyes.
37. Do not interfere in other peoples affairs nor give any advice. However if you are requested to do so, there is no harm.
38. Do not insist on someone staying over. This can inconvenience a person. What benefit is there in such love, the result of which is animosity?
39. Do not carry something that is too heavy. Women should especially be careful because their joints and blood vessels are much more delicate and sensitive.
40. Do not leave a needle or any sharp object lying around. It can cause an injury.
41. Do not punish a child or student with a thick stick nor kick him.
42. Do not give something heavy or dangerous from above someone. Even food and water should not be given from above someone.
43. Always inform the host if you have already eaten. This will not inconvenience him by unnecessarily preparing food.
44. Do not buy and sell at an inconvenient place.
45. Children of a learning age should be given food which strengthens the brain.
46. As far as possible do not remain alone at home during the night. Allah only knows what calamity can befall a person.
47. Do not allow children to do any risky or dangerous tasks.
48. Do not suddenly pick up bricks, stones etc. that are lying in one place for a long time. Very often scorpions or other harmful creatures breed under them. Always lift them up carefully.
49. When intending to lie on the bed, first dust it as there may be some creature lying on it.
50. Place leaves of the margosa tree or camphor or naphthelene balls between silk and woollen clothing to prevent moths or worms from breeding.
51. When concealing money at home, always tell one or two persons whom you trust.
52. Some people use a lock and place the key somewhere nearby. This is inefficient.
53. Do not light a lamp of oil as it is very harmful. Be careful when switching a lantern off. Do not place your hand on it. Use a fan or cloth to extinguish it.
54. If you want to count money at night, do so silently.
55. Do not leave a burning lamp in an empty house. Similarly do not throw away a burning match. Either extinguish it and then throw it away or trample it with your shoe so that no spark remains.
56. Do not allow children to play with matches, fire and fireworks.
57. When going to toilet with a lamp, place it carefully so that it does not burn the clothing. Many people have sustained burns in this manner. Kerosene oil especially, is very dangerous.

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Welcome to Islam, - The Inherent Differences Between Man and Woman - II

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Here is a set of features with which men and women have been characterized:
From among the rulings assigned to men, a mention may be made of the following:
• Men are in charge of the household in general and of preserving, caring and safeguarding virtue, holding back vice and protecting those under their guardianship from evil. They are also in charge of the household in terms of earning a living and spending upon it. In confirmation of this, Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}Men are in charge of women by ]right of[ what Allaah has given one over the other and what they spend ]for maintenance[ from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in ]the husband's[ absence what Allaah would have them guard.{]Quran 4:34[
Consider the effect of that responsibility in the word "under" in the Grand Quran as stated by Allaah The Almighty in Soorat At-Tahreem:}Allaah presents an example of those who disbelieved: the wife of Noah and the wife of Lot. They were under two of Our righteous servants.{]Quran 66:10[
"Under" in this context tells us that they had no authority over their husbands; rather, it was their husbands who had authority over them. The woman is, therefore, not to be regarded as equal to or above the man in this regard.
• Prophethood and the delivering of Allaah’s message are the domain of men and not women. In confirmation of this, Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And We sent not before you ]as messengers[ except men to whom We revealed from among the people of cities.{]Quran 12:109[
According to scholars of Tafseer )Quranic exegesis(, Allaah The Almighty has never sent as a prophet a woman, an angel, a jinn, or a Bedouin.
• As for public guardianship and the jobs done under it like the judiciary, public administration, and so on, and all other forms of guardianship like that in marriage, are also the domain of men.
• Men are specifically assigned, to the exclusion of women, many acts of worship such as the obligatory duty of Jihaad, Jumu‘ah )Friday prayer in the mosque( prayer, congregational prayers )in the mosque(, pronouncement of the Athaan and Iqaamah )calls to prayer(, and so on. Divorce also is made in the hand of the man and not the woman, and the custody of the children are given to the man and not the woman.
• The man's share of inheritance, blood-money and his witness is twice that of the woman.
These and other rulings assigned exclusively to men explain the meaning of what is mentioned by Allaah The Almighty at the end of the Noble Verse of Divorce in which He Says )what means(:}But the men have a degree over them ]in responsibility and authority[. And Allaah is Exalted in Might and Wise.{]Quran 2:228[
On the other hand, there are many rulings that Allaah The Almighty assigned to women in acts of worship, social interaction, marriage and its ramifications, judgments, and so on. They are well-known in the Quran and Sunnah as well as in the writings of jurists. Many books, in the past as well as the present, have been dedicated to this purpose in particular.
Some of these pertain to her Hijaab and guarding her virtue.
That Allaah The Almighty has assigned to each sex a set of rulings has three implications:
First, to have faith in and acknowledge the physical, mental and Sharee‘ah-determined distinction between men and women. Each should be satisfied with what has been decreed by Allaah The Almighty for him/her. Perfect justice lies in these distinctions, and through observing them, order is achieved in the life of human society.
Second, it is impermissible for a male or a female Muslim to hope for what was assigned by Allaah The Almighty to the other. To do so would be to be displeased with the decree of Allaah The Almighty and dissatisfied with His command and ordinance. Rather, let each slave ask Allaah The Almighty out of His bounty for that is from Sharee‘ah-recommended politeness and which removes envy, disciplines the believing soul and habituates it to be pleased with what is decreed by Allaah The Almighty.
Allaah The Almighty forbade wishing for what is assigned to others in His statement )which means(:}And do not wish for that by which Allaah has made some of you exceed others. For men is a share of what they have earned, and for women is a share of what they have earned. And ask Allaah of His bounty. Indeed Allaah is ever, of all things, Knowing.{]Quran 4:32[
The occasion on which this verse was revealed is what is narrated on the authority of Mujaahid, may Allaah have mercy upon him, that Umm Salamah, may Allaah be pleased with her, said, “O Messenger of Allaah, will men take part in Jihaad and we ]women[ not do so? Why should we have only half their inheritance?” On that Allaah The Almighty revealed )what means(:}And do not wish for that by which Allaah has made some of you exceed others.{]Quran 4:32[ ]At-Tabari, Ahmad, Al-Haakim and others[
According to At-Tabari, may Allaah have mercy upon him, “Allaah The Almighty means here, 'Desire not that with which Allaah has favored some of you over others'. It is mentioned that it was revealed in connection with some women who wished to be in the same position of men and have what they have, but Allaah The Almighty forbade His slaves to have such false wishes and commanded them to ask Him for His Bounty, as such wishes always draw envy and transgression with no just cause.”
Third, if mere wishing is forbidden as stated by the Quran, then what about those who actually deny the Sharee‘ah-determined distinctions, call for their cancellation, and claim equality, to which they invite in the name of equality between man and woman?
Undoubtedly, this is an atheistic theory for it contradicts the universal norm of Allaah The Almighty that decreed these physical and moral distinctions between men and women and seeks to disregard Islam with its Sharee‘ah-related texts which determine, in many rulings, the differences between the male and the female.

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