Youth, - Adolescence Requires Understanding

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Adolescence is the stage when the person moves from childhood to adulthood. It is considered one of the most difficult transitional stages as it is accompanied by rapid physiological changes in the physical and mental growth of the individual. It is also accompanied by many mixed psychological feelings. One of the most important manifestations of this stage is the desire to be independent and of identifying one’s self. This may reach the extent of rebelling against family rules. Usually at this stage, the girl resorts to stubbornness as she feels that she has become mature and old enough not to be treated like a little girl who is still monitored and directed by her family.
Despite her desire to be independent, she has not yet reached full maturity and lacks the necessary perception that would enable her to deal with the situations that she encounters. She is still in need of direction, but in a different manner. Thus, it is the duty of the family to react to her desire for independence, rebellion, and stubbornness by giving her a chance to express herself, and not dominate her. The mother should be by her side as if she is her friend who understands her feelings. She should not criticize her daughter too much and she should try to instruct her indirectly as this would let her feel that she is loved and appreciated. This helps in developing a sound personality for the girl. The family can also put reasonable standards and limits for the adolescent and adopt a stance that is characterized by love and understanding. This helps her attain maturity and satisfies many of her psychological needs. It helps the girl to form a positive view of herself and her status among others, which she derives from the way others regard her. She needs to know the stance of adults towards her, their satisfaction with her and their acknowledgment of her status. This makes her stable and helps her accept her role in life because lacking a clear role affects her attitude.
Finally, it is important that the parents are the role models for high values and that the girl would derive these morals from them and adopt them in her attitude.






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Dought & clear, - If the zaani(fornicator) admits to paternity of hisillegitimate child, should the child be attributed to him?

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My father accepted Islam before my birth but my claims he did not have the correct understanding of the deen and was not practicing, him and my mother were not married nor was my mother Muslim when they had me so I was born as a result of zina. My question is that since my father recognizes me as his child and he is the only male muslim in my family does that make him my wali? And if not is the choice mines to appoint whom I like to handle my affairs?.
Praise be to Allaah.
If the zaani acknowledges and admits paternity of his illegitimate child, should the child be attributed to him and regarded as a legitimate child of his, with all the attendant rulings on parents and offspring, or not?
There is a difference of opinion among the scholars concerning this issue.
The majority of scholars are of the view that the illegitimate child is not to be attributed to the zaani, even if he acknowledges him and wants to attribute the child to himself; rather the child is to be attributed to his mother only.
Some of the scholars are of the view that if the zaani wants to attribute his illegitimate child to himself, then the child should be attributed to him. This is also the view of some of the salaf (early generations) and was narrated from Imam Abu Haneefah.
This difference of opinion has been discussed previously in the answer to question no. 33591
The view that the illegitimate child is to be attributed to the zaani if he wants to acknowledge him and if the mother was not married to any other man, is more correct, and Allah knows best. It was the view favoured by Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) and his student Ibn al-Qayyim. See:al-Ikhtiyaaraat al-Fiqhiyyah(p. 477) andZaad al-Ma‘aad(5/374).
Ad-Daarimi narrated in hisSunan(3106) that Sulaymaan ibn Yasaar said: If a man claims that a boy is his son and that he committed zina with his mother, and no one else claims that boy as his, then he may inherit from him.
Ibn al-Qayyim said: Rationally speaking, the father is one of the two parties involved in the act (of zina), and as the child is attributed to his mother and she may inherit from him and he may inherit from her, and the blood relationship is established between him and the mother’s relatives, even though she bore him as the result of zina and the child was the product of the water of both parties and they both agreed that he is their child, why shouldn’t the child be attributed to him if there is no other man who claims to be this child’s father. This is based purely on rational thinking.
End quote fromZaad al-Ma‘aad, 5/374
Based on this opinion, your father is your shar‘i guardian and in that case you do not need to choose someone else to be in charge of your affairs when he is still present.
And Allah knows best.







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Dought & clear, - What should she do with her husband who is committing adultery and his mistress is pregnant?

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My husband has been having an affair for approximately 1 year and the other woman is now pregnant. I am also pregnant. should I forgive him or should I leave him? If I stay should he take custody of the child as the other woman is a drug addict and should I bring the child up?
Praise be to Allah.
Firstly:
It is well known in Islam that zina (unlawful sexual relationship) is haraam and is a major sin. The one who has fallen into this sin has to repent to Allah, may He be exalted, before it is too late. The prohibition of this evil deed is more emphatic in the case of a married man, hence the punishment for it is stoning to death.
See the answer to question no. 97884
If it is proven to you that your husband is committing adultery, either because he has admitted it to you or there is shar‘i evidence to that effect, then advise him to fear Allah, immediately end his sinful relationship with that woman, do a lot of righteous deeds, and seek good company who will encourage him to do good and obey Allah and to avoid evil and sin.
Secondly:
It is not permissible for a woman to marry a man who is known to have committed zina unless he repents sincerely. If a woman marries a man who has been committing zina, then she is sinning and her marriage contract is invalid. If a woman marries a man who is chaste, then after marriage he falls into zina, the marriage contract is not annulled by his falling into zina, but this does not mean that the wife should accept him as a husband if he does not give up this immoral action. Hence we think that in your case, if he does not give it up, you should not remain in the marital relationship with him. Rather you should hasten to end your marriage to him, by means of either talaaq or khula‘.
You should understand that if your husband continues to commit zina, it will have a negative impact on his family members, his wife and children, in terms of both their upbringing and their health. So do not think of staying with him if he does not stop and give up this sin.
See the answer to questions no. 101771and 110141.
Thirdly:
As you are living in a non-Muslim country and the law in this country forces the adulterer to acknowledge the child and also to spend on the child and take care of him, in this case Islam does not oblige you to look after the child, take care of him or breastfeed him, even if he was your husband’s child from a permissible marriage, unless you do that voluntarily and out of kindness.
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
The husband does not have the right to force her (his wife) to breastfeed his child from another woman, or to look after him.
Al-Mughni, 9/313
It was narrated from Jaabir ibn ‘Abdillah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Have you got married?” I (Jaabir) said: Yes. He said: “To a virgin or a previously-married woman?” I said: To a previously-married woman. He said: “Why not a young girl, and you could play with her and she with you?” I said: I have sisters, and I wanted to marry a woman who would be able to bring them together, comb their hair and take care of them.
An-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
This indicates that it is permissible for a woman to look after her husband and his children and dependents if she agrees to do so, but if she does not agree to do so, then no (she should not be forced to do it).
SharhMuslim, 5/203
Wali ad-Deen al-‘Iraaqi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
This indicates that it is permissible for a woman to look after her husband and his children, sisters and dependents, and that there is nothing wrong with a man asking his wife to do that, but it is not obligatory for her to do so; rather she may do that if she agrees to.
Tarhat-Tathreeb, 7/112
To sum up our advice to you:
If your husband has not repented and given up zina, then you should separate from him and leave him and his child. But if he has repented from that and you think that he regrets what he has done, and you think it most likely that he has mended his ways, then there is nothing wrong with you staying with him and we advise you to help him to look after this child and take care of him, in the hope that Allah may reward you for that and compensate you with good, and perhaps this child may become righteous instead of being left under the care of disbelievers and being raised by them.
And Allah knows best.









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Dought & clear, - Wants to Fornicate Because He's Out of Patience

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I want to fornicate! I implore you, as I can no longer take it; I have been patient for the last ten years, praise be to Allah. I pray and fast, but every time I propose to a woman, it fails…I want to fornicate! I want to fornicate! I want to fornicate! I supplicate but there is no response, what do I do? I cannot take it.
Praise be to Allaah.
First:
We will be frank with you just as you were frank with us; have you written to us for permission to fornicate?! We do not have the power to grant anyone permission to sin against Allah; and do you want us to issue a verdict making that major immorality permissible?! No Muslim can do that; fornication/adultery is one of the major sins for which Allah has prescribed punishment by lashing or stoning to death. There are also other rulings such as one not being allowed to marry a fornicator until he repents and the perpetrator of such a sin has been threatened with a severe punishment in the hereafter. The Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) informed us of some of the punishments; Allah gathers the fornicators/adulterers in Hell in a naked state and the flames of the fire reach them and the great cries of their voices are heard. So we possess no authority to grant permission for such an immorality nor can we issue a verdict which would allow such an immorality.
Second:
We promised to be frank with you as you were with us; so let’s assume that the one who reached this stage of desperation and hardship was your sister or your mother – may Allah forbid – and she wished to do as you do, what would your position be toward such a wish and request? We know your response and aren’t waiting for it – we are simply bringing your attention to the repulsiveness of what you are requesting.
Leave it and look at something else; there may be many youth out there with the same desire to fornicate and they might be respectable like yourself, and they are desperate and can’t stand it any longer and the woman they wish to fornicate with happens to be your sister or your mother (may Allah forbid); so what do you say to that? We know your response to this as well and are not waiting for it. So know that if we were to permit this immorality for you, we would have to permit the very same for your sister or mother and if we were to permit this immorality for you, we would also have to permit others to do it with your sister or mother and there is no way this pure Sharee’ah (religious law) would allow such a thing. The honour of your sister and mother is preserved by the sharee’ah and protected by the Divine rulings. Whoever transgresses them will face the evil consequences and punishment in this world and the next. Do you see how this pure sharee’ah came to preserve and protect your family’s honour? So how do you expect us to desecrate the honour of women and say to you: “do it and there’s no objection”?
This example we have given you was given by the best and most honourable of people and the one who was most knowledgeable of his Lord, the Exalted; he was the Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). He said it to a youth who came to him requesting permission to fornicate; he said to him “Are you pleased with it for your mother? Are you pleased with it for your sister?” We hope you understand that we only wanted to make you aware of the ugliness and repulsiveness of what you have asked and desired. The honour of people is not left open for people to desecrate according to their desires, rather it is preserved by the pure sharee’ah. The previously mentioned hadeeth (prophetic narration) along with valuable commentary on it was mentioned in its entirety in the answer to question 52467.
Third:
Dear questioner, do you think that by committing the immoral act of fornication – may Allah protect you from it and purify you of ever falling into it – you will have satisfied your desire and be at ease? If you think so then you have made a grave error; rather doing that ugly, immoral act of fornication is the beginning of bitter consequences in this world and the next. Zina (fornication/adultery) combines the foundations of evil; lack of religiousness, loss of scrupulousness, corruption of chivalry, lack of self-respect, betrayal, lack of shame, lack of self-censorship and no disdain for the unlawful. From the evil effects is: the anger of the Lord, blackness and darkness of the face, darkness of the heart and extinguishing of its light, tightening of the breast and its constriction and much more. We have mentioned the many consequences in the answer to question number 20983so please refer to it.
Fourth:
Dear questioner, let us ask you, why do you pray and fast? We have a good opinion of you so we figure you will say it’s because Allah ordered you to do so and prohibited you from leaving it. Similarly we say to you that Allah, the Exalted, has made it an obligation for you to protect your private part and forbade for you zina. We don’t doubt for a moment that you believe Allah is watching you as you pray and so you focus during it and are calm and try to pray as your Prophet (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught you. Similarly, Allah, the Exalted, would be watching over you if you were to engage in that immorality! If your belief that Allah sees you drives you to perfect your prayer, then we believe that same belief will drive you to abstain from committing the immoral act of zina because we think well of you. And we think you know this is not the way to thank your Lord, the Exalted, for having bestowed upon you the favour of Islam and for having granted you good health and well-being; this is not the way you show gratitude for such great favours.
Fifth:
Dear questioner, you failed to realize that if you were to be patient and anticipate reward from Allah in the face of this desperation and difficulty you would be rewarded by Allah. This is the way believers react in the face of difficulty and when good comes their way they are grateful to their Lord, Mighty and Exalted. Only the believer behaves in this way; he is patient in times of difficulty and grateful when good comes to him. You will find the effects of all this – Allah willing – in terms of full rewards on your scale the day you meet your Lord, the Exalted, when you will be most in need of even one good deed. See the answer to question number 71236for in it you will find an explanation of how the believer reacts to trials.
Sixth:
You also seem to fail to realize that whatever supplications you made were not in vain and you are wrong in your claim that they were not responded to; there are three possibilities in response to one’s supplication: Allah may grant you exactly what you request immediately, or He may avert an evil/harm from you similar to what you requested or He may delay that for you in the form of rewards you will find when you meet Him. But you thought that realizing your supplication was only in having your desire fulfilled and so you claimed that Allah did not answer your prayers, which is undoubtedly a clear error. As long as one is supplicating to his Lord, he is engaging in a great act of worship wherein he shows his need for and humility before his Creator. One of the most common methods employed by the shaytan to prevent a slave from du’a (supplication) is to make him want immediate results and so he becomes impatient and leaves du’a.
Ibn Battal (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Some said: A slave only expects immediate results if his intention behind the du’a is to attain what he is asking for. So if he does not get what he wants, du’a becomes burdensome for him. A person’s intention when making du’a should be: supplication to Allah, asking of Him, always feeling in need of Him, never parting from being subservient, feeling the essence of servitude and being obedient.” End quote
For the conditions of the answered du’a see the answer to question number 13506. Also see the answer to question number 5113for those things which are barriers to having du’a accepted. For some of the etiquettes of du’a see the answer to question number 36902. And see the answer to question 22438for places and times when du’a is accepted.
Seventh:
After all this, it is as though we hear you saying: “I do not want to commit zina.” And that is what we expect of you as in reality you did not write us to get permission to commit an act of immorality because you know with certainty that we do not have that authority. If you really wanted to do it, you have done so without writing us because we are not watchers over you and you are not under our rule that you need to take our permission if you indeed wanted to do this. We are certain that you just wanted to complain to your brothers about some of what you are going through and you wanted them to offer some advice and guidance and admonishment so you would not commit an immoral act. And here we are standing by you, encouraging you to be patient in the face of the trial Allah has sent your way in terms of delay in marriage. And we congratulate you for safeguarding your religion all these years. We also believe that you are capable of safeguarding it for longer than that if you seek the help of your Lord, Exalted and Mighty.
We advise you not to give up hope in the Mercy of Allah, the Exalted, and to exert an even greater effort in searching for a righteous wife and to have a stronger connection with your Lord through acts of obedience and righteous deeds.
We ask Allah to make faith dear to you and beautify it in your heart and to make disbelief, corruption and sin hated to you and to place you among the rightly guided.
And Allah is the Granter of Success.



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