Youth, - Choosing a mate

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Discussions with a close friend were once dominated by her excitement and continuous expressions that she wanted to get married. She told me she had a brother in mind that captivated her with his charm, intelligence, and handsome looks. She said that he was interested in her as well. She spoke about many things about him, but none of what she knew was of real substance. To help her think through her quest for marriage, I reminded her about the importance of practicing patience when choosing a mate. However in haste, she drove an emotional whirlwind full of infatuation and excitable hormones straight into the marriage.
They were not so lucky. Within eight months the marriage was over. Incompatibilities in their practice of Islam, their cultures, and their life goals were key factors in doom of the marriage.
What was her explanation for the failure of the marriage? She said the brother was not ready for marriage. She also thought that she would not have been able to know that he was not ready even if they had not rushed. She and I disagreed.
Choosing a mate is the most important decision to make, after taking the shahadah )testimony of faith(. The Quran says what means:}Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allaah will give them means out of His grace: for Allaah encompasses all, and he knows all things.{]24: 32[ Allaah places special emphasis on the importance of marriage and its role in our lives.
Marriage is half of our deen )religion(. The Quran states what means:}And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your )hearts(: verily in that are signs for those who reflect.{]30: 2 1[
Because marriage in Islam is so significant, it is important to devote quality time and consideration in choosing the person in which you will spend the rest of your life. Oftentimes, intended couples spend more time planning the wedding ceremony than pre-marital planning. However, more time should be spent getting to know your potential mate. This article will provide basic guidelines that women should follow when choosing a husband.
Develop a foundation
First and foremost, women should begin preparation for marriage with education, prayer, thikr )remembrance of Allaah(, designation of a Wali )guardian( if necessary, and study of religious practices. Education is fundamental in learning about the importance of prayer and other Islamic traditions. For example, women should understand that marriage in Islam starts in the dunya )world( and continues in the Hereafter. Thus we are not only selecting a mate for this life, but also for the next life-Insha Allaah. Artificial factors such as social status and beauty should be regarded as less important compared to piety. The Quran says what means:}But to those who receive guidance, He increases the )light of( guidance, and bestows on them their piety and restraint )from evil(.{]47: 17[ Piety strengthens character and brings us closer to Allaah.
It is natural for women to want security and for men to desire a beautiful wife. Despite society’s emphasis on these and other ideals, Muslims should refrain from placing too much effort and focus on attaining worldly ideals. In other words, ascertaining a potential mate’s sincerity in practicing the deen of Islam supercedes other factors such as wealth, beauty or status.
Seek Allaah's guidance
Women should always seek Allaah’s guidance throughout their search for a spouse. And so, anytime one experiences doubt or concern she should make salah Istikharah—a prayer for guidance. This salah can be used at anytime.
Practice proper etiquette
Courtship in Islam has parameters. As you get to know your potential mate, it is best to do so within the permissible guidelines. Generally speaking, a man and a woman are not to be alone if they are not married. One hadeeth says, “A man should not be alone with a woman, for verily Satan makes a third” )Muslim(. A man should not be secluded with a woman except with a mahram )guardian(” )Muslim(. Also, if an unmarried woman finds a man she is interested in, she must not stare at him or approach him directly. The Quran says what means:}And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allaah is aware of what they do.{]24: 30[
All contact between the woman and her potential mate should be supervised by the woman’s wali. A wali is a legal guardian that is a friend or protector that is supposed to look out for her best interest.
When speaking to their potential mate, women should speak in a straightforward manner. Avoid flirtation and any sexually-oriented discussion. Instead, discussion should remain casual and include topics relevant to the pursuit of marriage. Discovering common interests, understanding financial situations, sharing parenting techniques and relating to in-laws are examples of allowed topics for discussion. If and when it becomes evident that the potential marriage couple is not compatible, the discussions should end.
Consider religious compatibility
It is important to find out if you are compatible religiously with regard to day-to-day practices. One can not always assume that being Muslim is a guarantee that you will be compatible or “equally yoked.” Ask yourself—Does his practice of Islam seem freeing or restricting? How does he feel about how you wear your garments? Would you prefer that he wear thobs )traditional garments(? How does he measure piety? How does he spend his time during Ramadhan? What are his views about the cultural practices of Islam around the world? Does he adhere to the performance of salah )5 times daily obligatory salah( with punctuality?
Discuss expectations
At advanced stages of your exploration, talk about each other’s personal expectations. Ask about his views on birth control. Discuss a timeline in which you would like to have children. Once you have children would be prefer that you stay home? ‘Would you rather work? Ho do you feel about home schooling your children? How does he feel about helping with chores around the house? Discuss what your living arrangements will be.
Talk to his family and friends
Learn about your potential spouse by talking to his Family and friends. By doing this you will gain an under standing about his character. Talk to people who know him outside of his family. Ask questions about his manner and how he treats people. Find out about his temperament on various issues. What kinds of activities does he involve himself with in the community? What are his immediate and long- term plans? Find out his level of tolerance and accommodation for people different from him. How does he relate to his parents and members of the opposite sex? If lie has children, ho does he relate to them? Research his character and personality by talking to people that know him.
A man of good character is highly regarded in Islam. Imam Tirmithi narrated the following hadeeth, “If one whose character and religion please you comes to you )with a proposal(, you should marry him )to your single women(. If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great corruption.” Also get to know about his parents. Determine their level of likeness for you. Believe it or not, this is a very important factor. Find out what his obligations to his parents will be once you get married.
Listen closely to what he has to say
Find out why is interested in marrying you. Determine whether or not he in solely interested in you or if his intentions are superficial. For example, does he ant to get married because all of his friends are getting married? Determine if he is genuine, and seriously wants to marry because he is in love.
Ask personal questions
As the discussions continue, ask more personal questions. Ask him what his views are on possessions, lifestyle and money. Inquire about past legal issues. Has he ever had a run in with the law? Does he have propensities to certain illnesses? Also, in his day and age, your potential mate should be willing to have an AIDS examination prior to marriage. If he has been married before, ask him how he dealt with conflict and disagreements. Make certain that he is not learning just enough about you in that he begins to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Ask him about his past career and future career plans. Ask him questions that will reveal his values and perspectives on life and global issues. What are his thoughts about women’s rights? How important is health and diet to him? What is his opinion about polygamy? Ask probing questions to help determine the possible success or failure of a marriage. The more you can think to ask, the better.
Observe him
Attend community and social activities that he will also attend. Vary the situations and observe him to see how he interacts with people in different settings at different times.
Ponder the long-term
Does this man have flaws and weaknesses that can be tolerated for a lifetime? Is he worth pleasing for Allah’s sake even when he does not live up to expectations? Will he be a good father? Are there any issues that he feels require abandoning a spouse? Seriously consider the number of times he has been married if he has been married before.
Know your needs
Ponder whether or not he is the person that can meet your needs. Do not rationalize and accept characteristics you know do not suit you because you think you can change them later. Ask yourself, “Is he responsible and does he know how to prioritize? Does he respect me for who I am or does it seem like he wants to change me? Does he want me to grow in mentally and spiritually as I continue in the path of Islam?
Be patient
Marriage is serious. Do not rush into it. Operating in haste usually leads to disaster. Time is needed to get to know the person. Allah teaches that those with patience will enter paradise. The Qur’an says, “Those who show patience, firmness and self-control; who are true )in word and deed(; who worship devoutly; who spend )in the way of Allah; and who pray for forgiveness in the early hours of the morning.” ]3:17[
Think for yourself
Try not to assume that the way he dresses or the way he speaks are indications of his personality or how he will treat you. The “pious” look does not always mean the person is pious. A man who references Qur’an in every conversation he has with you is not necessarily pious either. Try to erase any traits that may be artificial and forms of deception to win your hand in marriage.
Go with your heart
Use Allah’s signs and guidance to assist you along the way. Your heart has the potential to guide in many cases where your mind may fail. Sometimes we use our minds to rationalize things that we may not want to see or acknowledge.
My personal experience in choosing a husband was unique because I was extremely particular. I was more particular than my wali. When making salah )the five daily prayers(, I would ask Allah to grant me a husband that met my list of 44 marital expectations. I considered the list a prescription for a healthy marriage. Although my intended thought my list was somewhat over the top, he agreed to all 44 conditions. We have been married for three years and counting. In fact, we got married three times—first Islamically, second civilly, and third with family and friends present at the walimah )marriage feast(. Al-Hamdulillah!
There are not any guarantees that a marriage will be successful. Of course there are things that can help reduce problems, but I truly believe to be true what one friend once told, “A marriage is like a daily battle, every day both spouses must fight for it.” I think this is one main reason why marriage is an interesting part of life, and that is why it becomes so dear and valuable to us when we succeed in keeping it alive.







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Youth, - Organizing a study circle

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Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrated that theProphet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said:“Allah has supernu­merary angels who rove about seekingout gatherings in which Allah’s name isbeinginvoked. They sit with them andfold their wings round each other, fill­ing that which is between them andbetween the lowest heaven. When )thepeople in the gathering( depart, )the angels( ascend and rise up to heaven."]Muslim[.
Dear readers, this article is not about the merits of organizing a study circleaccording to the Quran and Hadeeths,or even what our religion says about thosewho take on this weighty task of spreading knowledge. Instead, it is about the hows and the whys; about how we should go about the matter, and the reasons we should hold study circles.
Some reasons are clear and others vague. For example, we all understand that attending study circles brings us closer, forging community bonds of friendship and provides us with sup-port from of our fellow Muslims. We also know that a study circle provides needed guidance and knowledge, giving us an opportunity to ask questions and get answers. But what should a study circle really be—specifically what is the ultimate goal? Is it to gain knowledge, friends or influence?
What a study circle should be
Ideally, a study circle should be a place where Muslims can meet to gain knowledge in an environment that encourages learning. It should be open to everyone and anyone who wants to learn—no matter what the age, race or Mathhab they follow. The primary goal of a study circle should be to bring people—all people--closer to their religion. By this, I mean that the organizer's purpose is to bring topics that people can implement in their daily lives, within their families and their homes... important information that they can teach their own children.
A study circle should leave us with the feeling that we can strive to become a better Muslim, and that our actions do make a difference as we live our lives as a walking, talking example of our Deen.
What a study circle should not be
However, there are other aspects of study circles that we know about but do not discuss. Some study circles are used as social gatherings and status markers—and can be more negative than positive forces in the community. Some are used as gatherings for gossip and backbiting, while others are used as an excuse to simply get out of the house. Some study circles even exclude people because of what their religious opinions are—or are not; and some—as saddening as it is - even go as far as snubbing people because of their race. By excluding and snubbing, I do not mean that certain persons are not allowed to attend, but they are made to feel unwelcome and uneasy, sometimes even picked on because of their race, their Mathhab or because they were not born into Islam, their knowledge or opinion is not considered valid or valued.
Some study circles focus only on fire and brimstone, neglecting the beauty and inspirational messages of hope, forgiveness and eternal salvation our Creator offers. We must also remember that the goal of a study circle is to provide a source of information to attendees so they can implement that information in their daily lives. Most importantly, study circles are meant to give - encouragement and motivation for the future.
A serious study circle should not have anything to do with any of the afore-mentioned problems—again; the goal of a study circle should be to bring people—all people—together in order to be closer to their Deen.
Where to hold it
One of the best places is the obvious—your local Masjid, but another good place is your local public library. Having your study circle at your local library reduces the risk of being too comfortable that you get into other subjects, and opens the door for non-Muslims to get to know about Islam. Most libraries have meeting halls that can be rented for free.
One place to avoid having the study circle at is someone's personal home. The reason for this is simple; unfortunately many times when we take off our hijabs, we become too comfortable and can forget the purpose of the gathering.
Know your study circle
Another important aspect of organizing and holding a study circle is to know who your attendees are, and adjust your content accordingly. If you know you have a new Muslimah coming, the topic should be adjusted to something. that she will be able to understand and in a format where she can ask questions. Similarly, if you have a non-Muslim stop by, change the course of the topic to something such as Tawheed that will make an impression while teaching the most important aspect of Islam. In other words, give your attendees something worthwhile to walk away with and ponder over the rest of the day. The last thing you want to do is to overwhelm them with too much information and let them run off reeling from the study circle—possibly never to return again.
Another thing to think about is summertime and winter breaks are a good time to get the older teens involved in a study circle. Maybe even encourage them to start a teen study circle of their own that deals with the Islamic aspects of things that affect their daily lives. You can help them organize their meeting by letting them pick the topics and then demonstrate how to put a lesson together.
Homework or no homework
One sister asked me once, "Shouldn't we have homework?" To that, my answer was: absolutely not. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to a Companion who was concerned that when he went home he laughed with his wife, "There is a time for this, and a time for that." Meaning, do not overwhelm yourself or your family—give everything its due time.
Every one of us has families, many of us have children—some many children—and the last thing that is needed is more homework when we get home. While some sisters may have more free time than others; so, homework is neither fair nor beneficial as not everyone has the same lifestyles or free time to spare. Learning our religion should not become pressurized or feel burden-some; rather, it should be an event to look forward to every week that leaves us feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Placing the unnecessary load of homework can even discourage people in need of enlightenment and knowledge from coming to future study circles because of their embarrassment inability to complete homework within the allotted timeframe.
When to fold it
A study circle should not be more than 2 hours. Again, we all have to be considerate of others, some sisters may have to go home to make dinner, clean the house while others may have to go back to work, or run an errand. By keeping the study circle to a reasonable time, we eliminate the risk of excluding because of a lack of free time.
Invitations all
Invite everyone in your community to your study circle.
Post signs at the Masjid and local grocery stores
Make the first study circle a get-to-know-you luncheon with a prepared but brief interesting discussion topic that will get your attendees involved and interested to come back for more
Make sure to have a sign-in sheet and get everyone's contact information
Create a task group and appoint sisters that are dependable to take the responsibility of calling the attendees of the first luncheon and remind them of the study circle time and date on a weekly basis.
Everyone likes to be remembered, and many close and unexpected friendships are made this way
Be creative – go further
Do not let your study circle become stagnant. No one wants to go over the same topics over and over. Make a monthly schedule and get input from all of your attendees. Once a week, change the format.
Here are some examples:
Utilize a recorded lecture
Alternate discussion leaders and let other sisters prepare the topics
Contact a recognized sheikh and allow everyone to pitch in for a phone in lecture or question and answer session.
Tell a story with an Islamic moral and discuss it afterward.
Themain thing to remember is that you must keep everyone involved in order to maintain attendees. No one wants to go listen to one-person talk at them for an hour, week after week, even if you happen to be very knowledgeable. People like to get involved and ask questions, they enjoy talking what they have learned and read.
Finally, make sure that you all agree on using certain textbooks for general studying or even simply using the Quran and the sahib ahadeeth collections. Make your study circle a time that everyone will remember for years to come—an occasion that brings Muslims closer, inspires good deeds, and gives thoughtful lessons to last a lifetime to be passed on from generation to generation.








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Youth, - A Gleam on the Way

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How effective was the first generation of the Ummah )nation( of Islam?
What is the importance of positivity in the life of a Muslim?
How has the Quran recorded this effectiveness?
These are important and serious questions about the value of positivity and effectiveness and what they represented in the life of the youth who established the civilization of this Ummah, and how they could be revived once again in the life of the youth of this generation, given that a great deal of good lies in them. Let us start with the Prophetic point of view on the path of effectiveness and warding off failure and negativity.
A Prophetic perspective on the path of effectiveness
“ O Allaah! I seek refuge with You from )being given to( failure, indolence, cowardice, )and from being sent back to( old geriatric age and niggardliness, and I seek refuge with You from the punishment of the grave, and from the affliction of both life and death.”]Muslim[
These are luminous Prophetic words, filled with positivity and carrying within their folds seeking refuge from negativity. This was the Prophetic perspective. In fact, the life of Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was but a living example of that. The life of the Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was the best ideal of a human being, in whom all the attributes of positivity were manifested and from whom all traces of negativity had been removed. The Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, gathered around the pure spring of the noble attributes of Al-Mustafa, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and at the beginning of the Da‘wah )call to Islam. The majority of whom were young men, imbibing positivity, power and effectiveness, translating them into words and deeds in the world, and spreading them among those surrounding them, until they were able to establish an edifice of civilization of strong foundations and great power.
Armed with positivity, the youth of the Ummah set out in the different parts of the land of their Lord, building and constructing. They gave life to the land with strong arms of endeavor, and promulgated effectiveness in the hearts, which had long been possessed by negativity, thus, illuminating the universe with pleasure and delight.
Thus, the Islamic Ummah )nation(, at the hands of its youth, presented to humanity the most beautiful gifts in all fields. The scientists of Islam presented to humankind the principles of the experimental scientific method based on practical experiment and scientific proof in order to reach a scientific fact, unlike the Greek philosophical method that is based on philosophy and theoretical postulates. Thus, it is the Muslims who presented to the entire world the basis of the modern renaissance, on which the European renaissance depended later on. ]Hayaat An-Noor: Fareed Mannaa‘ p28[
This took place due to the fact that the youth of this Ummah were brought up on positivity, according to which each of them sought areas of work where he was most effective without waiting for it to come to him; making events happen, and not waiting for events to take place on their own. None of them would let a day pass until he had done an act pertaining to the religion or the world, which he liked to see on the Day of Judgment. This is reported by one of the positive youths of this Ummah, ‘Abdullaah ibn Mas‘ood, may Allaah be pleased with him, who said,“I hate to see a man without work; neither working for this world nor for the Hereafter.”]Hilyat Al-Awliyaa’: Abu Nu‘aym[
However, when we moved away, step by step, from that concept of positivity, the youths of our Ummah deviated, owing to a violent wind of negativity, which lulled most of them into a sense of complacence and subsequently, ruined them. It caused the disease of failure and indolence to spread among them, and consequently, we started hearing oft-repeated words that imply the aforesaid mental state such as: “I cannot”, “I am a failure”, “It is impossible ]to achieve[, this is the reality”, and so on.
A concrete reality
In order to come closer to the issue of positivity, we have to consider the reality. A man might be intelligent and possess high qualifications in the field of science, but, at the same time, he might not be effective. This is because he has been brought up in a culture which hinders him from any great achievement unless he gets rid of any traces of negativity.
There are communities characterized by individualism, selfishness and envy, and there are diseases which decay the soul, like haughtiness and arrogance. There are also communities whose people have ideas which encourage idleness, like those who read the Hadeeths )narrations( of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, about the future afflictions and battles and misunderstand them, and thus sit at home, and do nothing to support Islam, under the pretext that things are deteriorating, and it is useless to work, and so on.
No doubt, such examples and others, are found in reality. However, we should not continue to curse the darkness and loathe reality – in particular the reality of today's Muslim youth that is typically characterized by negativity -- and then satisfy ourselves with phrases of sorrow and regret. On the contrary, we should talk about positivity, its concept and importance, perchance we may light up the candles of effectiveness in the hearts of the youth.
The concept of positivity
First of all, we could define positivity as a Muslim’s personal movement, resulting from the sentient believing heart to change and reform the reality in conformity with the ordinances of Allaah The Almighty.
We may get more acquainted with effectiveness if we say that it is the best form of productivity that is based on perseverance and regularity of actions, as confirmed by the description given by Umm Salamah, may Allaah be pleased with her, of the deeds of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “The dearest of deeds to the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is that which a servant does regularly, no matter how little it might be.”]Al-Albaani: Saheeh[
The same description is given by ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, of the deeds of the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, when she said,“He used to do any deed regularly.”
Positivity in the Quran
In order to clearly perceive the concept of positivity in the Quran, it is sufficient to recite the following short Soorah )in which Allaah The Almighty Says what means(:}By time, indeed, mankind is in loss, Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.{]Quran 103:1-3[
It shows that man is doomed to loss unless he has four characteristics, which in fact are the characteristics of the positive Muslim personality. According to As-Sa‘di, may Allaah have mercy upon him,
“Allaah The Almighty enjoined loss upon everyone unless he has four characteristics:
1.To have faith in all things which Allaah The Almighty commanded to believe in. Faith is not complete without knowledge, which is an integral branch of faith.
2.The righteous deed includes all good works, hidden or apparent, pertinent to the right of Allaah The Almighty or the right of His servants, obligatory or recommended.
3.To advise each other to adhere to the truth -- which is faith and righteous deeds. In other words, they should advise and encourage each other to do good.
4.To advise each other to patience in the obedience of Allaah The Almighty, and abstention from the sins forbidden by Allaah The Almighty, and accept the decrees of Allaah The Almighty even if one finds them painful.
With the first two, man perfects himself, and with the other two, he perfects others. By having these four characteristics, man becomes safe from loss, and obtains great profit.” ]Tayseer Al-Kareem: ‘Abd-Ar-Rahmaan ibn Naasir As-Sa‘di: 1:934[
At this point, after talking about the importance of positivity, we have to pause so that each of us asks himself: Am I really positive? Do I have a positive attitude in my life? Do I feel that I am really effective in life, or do I live among negative people? Also ask yourself: Positivity is to seek areas of work and not to sit waiting for them: Am I really like this?
Positive people exert an influence on events, unlike the negative ones who wait to see what events occur. Am I then from those who make events happen or those who wait for them to happen?
This is a pause, not only for blame, but also for assessment and introspection, after which each of us should wake up to seek his roles in life, and see how he can efficiently interact with them, and how he can best utilize this life. No doubt, we, as Muslim youth, have several missions to carry out in this world. Doing this would be impossible unless each of us becomes truly positive and effective in our sphere of activity.









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