Family, - Our Children and the Battle of the Supermarket - II

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In the previous article, what did the child teach his mother?
The mother learnt from her child that the means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is to execute the child's orders: i.e. to buy the box of candy.
Thus, the child has established a new behavioral type, and it is on this basis that the relationship between the mother and child will continue. The behavior of the mother along with the behavior of the child form and outline the nature of their relationship. If the child repeats the same behavior, the mother will repeat the same behavior she has previously done with him.
A fatal error!
This is the way many fathers behave when they face the anger of their children with submission, compliance and, subsequently, reward )the candy(. This is because this way teaches the child to increase his display of anger in order to receive the reward.
Additionally, anger is among the blameworthy attributes a man can have. When many sociologists and educationalists regard anger among the despicable vices and blameworthy habits, they mean the blameworthy anger which produces the most negative effects and leads to the most critical consequences -- particularly at the time of excitement and anger for personal interests and selfish motives. It is known that this anger disbands unity, breaks up the group, and exterminates the meanings of brotherhood, love, and purity in the community.
Another fatal error is made by fathers when they respond to the child's anger. It is called pampering, which is to be lax in dealing with the child in such a way as to satisfy the child's needs in the very time and manner he likes, and hasten to do all that he demands, no matter how unacceptable it might be. In other words, everyone around him does their best to obey him and be at his disposal, and never refuse any of his demands whatever they may be.
On the other hand, pampering makes the child unable to bear the responsibilities or burdens that are appropriate to his stage of life. This results in the child's slow emotional and social maturity. Such a child cannot easily undertake any matter, nor have the feeling of responsibility, nor appreciate it, nor resist the problems of life, nor confront the states of frustration. He is always vulnerable to psychological disorders when there is an obstacle or a problem standing in his way. More often, he inclines to be dependent on others rather than self-reliant. He also resorts to the method of avoiding, deferring or neglecting risks and problems.
A successful plan to tackle the supermarket battle:
To put an end to the supermarket battle with your child, and eradicate the roots of this problem peacefully, parents should do the following:
• Sit with the child before going to the supermarket.
• Clarify where you would go with him and what you would buy.
• Brief him on the shopping list.
• Ask him about what he would like to buy before going to the supermarket.
• Ask him to include what he would like to buy in the shopping list.
• Ask him to do something helpful and take charge of the shopping list. For example, he may be asked to hold it while shopping and tick the items that have been purchased to take it out of the list.
• Promise the child that if he does his part well, you will buy him the candy he likes, and if he falls short in his task, he will not have any candy.
• Parents should encourage the child by saying to him, "You are doing a good job following the list. Thank you and we appreciate your help. You are a co-operative child.”
• The mother rewards the child for his good behavior with candy.
At this very moment, the child learns three rules:
The first rule: Anger brings about nothing but loss:
That is because if he grows angry or raises his voice, he will get nothing: on the contrary, he will lose the candy because the mother will not surrender to his anger.
The second rule: Good behavior brings rewards:
When the child plays his role successfully and keeps quiet, he will have the candy he wanted.
The third rule: His parents mean what they say:
For example, if the mother threatens to deprive him of candy if he gets angry, the child will find that she is steadfast in implementing her decision.
At that very moment too, the mother will learn the following:
That the optimum means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is not to execute Khaalid's orders by buying the box of candy, but it is to teach Khaalid how to change his behavior; that punishment is the inevitable outcome of bad behavior, whereas reward is the pleasant outcome of good behavior.
In this way, the mother learns that to hush her child's cries, the solution is neither to surrender to him nor to beat him, in so much as to co-operate with the child to change his behavior.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Family, - Mutual Rights - Good Companionship - II

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4- In disputes and arguments. Living in kindness implies that when a dispute arises between the spouses, the husband should define the points of dispute and explain her mistake to her, if she is the one who is mistaken. This should be done in a way that involves no reproof or scolding, particularly if he wants her to admit something. When she admits, he has the choice to either reproach or forgive her. Attacking her hastily before explaining her mistakes would end the love and intimacy and hinder the process of living equitably, because she would feel that she has been wronged. Therefore, it is best that the husband explains to his wife her mistake kindly.
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, knew when his wife 'Aa‘ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was pleased or displeased with him. When she was pleased with him, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, would say, “By the Lord of Muhammad”; otherwise, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, would say, “By The Lord of Ibraaheem ]Abraham, may Allaah exalt his mention[.” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, knew that she would not swear by the Lord of Ibraaheem, may Allaah exalt his mention, unless there was something wrong. In both cases, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, swore by Allaah, who is of course the Lord of Muhammad sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and the Lord of Ibraaheem, may Allaah exalt his mention, but she would use the latter to show that she was upset. This practice was the perfect politeness that only a noble and honorable lady would practice. Such a lady neither attacks nor scolds her husband for his mistakes, but rather behaves patiently and bashfully. Surely, no woman behaves patiently and bashfully, but Allaah will grant her success and a good end.
Also, no man encounters harm from his wife patiently and without saying hurtful or unpleasant words to her but Allaah The Almighty will grant him a good end in this life and a great Hereafter. It is reported that one day a student visited a scholar and saw his son serving him and showing him dutifulness in an amazing way. When the son left, the scholar asked his student, “Are you amazed at his dutifulness?” The student replied in the affirmative and said that he was very amazed at the dutifulness of the son. The scholar explained, “I lived with his mother for more than twenty years and she never smiled at me, but I reacted patiently. Thus, Allaah The Almighty compensated me with what you have seen.”
When a man encounters the harm of his wife with abuse, revilement and curses, she disdains and disparages him. As a result, she will not speak of his love or affection in his absence. People say that man becomes a subject of discussion after his death, so he should choose for himself the best speech. It means that all people who dealt with him will talk about him after his death. They will mention what he said and did.
The perfection of man appears in the flame of his anger when he controls himself and does not say anything but good. May Allaah endow His mercy upon a husband who abstains from saying unpleasant words to his wife!
Living equitably through speech is an important element in the reformation of Muslim homes, and Allaah The Almighty increases the reward of His slave according to the degree of his patience. Allaah The Almighty favored men over women and endowed upon them patience and wisdom that are not granted to others. Thus, the husband should show patience regardless of whatever he hears or sees from his wife. Also, the righteous woman should patiently endure any hurtful and harsh words of her husband, for Allaah The Almighty will make these words a cause for elevating her degrees, multiplying her good deeds and forgiving her sins. Indeed, when Allaah The Almighty loves a people, He tests them.
So Allaah may test a woman by giving her a husband who harms her and whom she hears unpleasant words from.
Kind treatment:
Living in kindness also entails kind treatment, which emanates from being an ideal husband, concord and mutual faithfulness of the spouses. Muslim homes will not be reformed except through righteous deeds and good companionship that reflect a person’s good nature, high morals and virtue. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, testified that the best of men are those who treat their wives kindly and become superior with their good deeds, manners and noble qualities.
It is not enough for the man to claim these qualities; he should translate them into action. When Allaah The Almighty wants to complete His favors over His slave and shower him with His blessings, He beautifies him with good conduct. So, a Muslim who adheres to Islam and follows the way of Allaah The Almighty should, after obeying Him, be keen to maintain noble morals and Islamic etiquettes whereby Allaah The Almighty would increase His reward. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Shall I inform you of those among you who will be closest to me in position on the Day of Resurrection? ]They are[ those of you who have the best morals”]At-Tirmithi[
The Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, eagerly asked the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, about what causes men and women to enter Paradise, saying, “What are the deeds that cause man to enter Paradise the most?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:“Fearing Allaah and ]having[ high morals.”]At-Tirmithi[ Words and actions are required for the spouses to live equitably, and the best person is the one who has the best and most perfect manners. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“The most perfect believers in faith are those among them with high morals.”]At-Tirmithi[
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, made man's wife and relatives the most entitled to his good manners. Therefore, he ordered dutifulness to one's parents due to their closeness. A man asked, “O Messenger of Allaah, who is the most deserving person of my good companionship?” The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, replied:“Your mother.”The man again, “Then who?”“Your mother,”The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, replied. The man asked again, “Then who?” He said:“Your mother.”He then asked, “Then who?” Thereupon, the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:“Your father.”]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, made the greatest share of man's good manners for his relatives, so the first thing we look for in the man whom Allaah has beautified and enhanced in his manners is his good manners with his family. This is because a man might behave in a kind and gentle way in front of people, but once he enters his own house, he behaves badly – this is the most evil creation even if he is kind with people. His kindness in this case is pretentious and hypocritical, but if he were to behave peacefully, kindly, mercifully and gently with his weak wife and children who are under his authority and power, it would be considered a sure sign that he is truthful in his good manners.
For this reason, the man who wants to behave in a good way should begin with his family. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, led the Muslim Ummah )nation( and stood on the pulpit, permitting what Allaah The Almighty made lawful, prohibiting what Allaah The Almighty made unlawful, explaining the Sharee‘ah of Allaah and guiding to His way. He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, led the armies to make the religion of Allaah The Almighty dominant and His word reign supreme. Yet, when he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, entered his house, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would enter with compassion, mercy, gentleness and kindness.
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was the best man in treating his wives; the first thing he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would do was to use a Siwaak )toothstick( so that his wife would not find a bad odor. This indicates that the husband, through living equitably with his wife, should take care of his appearance. Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him, would bring a Kohl container and apply Kohl before the mirror, saying, “I like adorning myself for my wife, as I like my wife adorning herself for me.” This is the perfection of Islam.
A Muslim man adopts certain practices and perfections with people when he goes out of his house. Once he returns to his family and wife, he treats each of them properly. The first thing the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would do upon entering his house was to use the Siwaak. When he was alone with his wives, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would be kind, use the best speech and act in the best way. When 'Aa‘ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was asked about the manners of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, at home, she said, “He was in the service of his family.” Sometimes he would stitch his clothes and had no feeling of belittlement; it was an honor and perfection as he was the most perfect, most honored and the highest in rank and status in the sight of Allaah The Almighty.
Seeing one’s family should be featured with modesty and humbleness. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Shall I inform you of those among you who are closest to me in position on the Day of Resurrection? ]They are[ those of you who have the best morals, and are the most humble.”]At-Tirmithi[ The wife is most entitled to this humbleness. When the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, visited his wives, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was keen to bring them happiness, so that they would feel his love, fidelity and the bond with him after his departure. To help strengthen this feeling, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would kiss his wives before he left, not out of sexual desire because once he heard the Athaan )call to prayer( he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would be busied by that, but rather because the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would kiss his wife out of affection and mercy so that she would realize her place in his heart and sentiment. A guided Muslim, who wishes to abide by the Sharee‘ah of Allaah regarding living equitably, should treat his family in an honorable manner. Moreover, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was keen to bring happiness to his wives when sitting with them, being sad on the sad occasions and being happy on the happy occasions. Nevertheless, he would never say anything but the truth.
)To be continued(

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

stories, - Sunny 'n Ahmed

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I've been in relationship with many galz all around the world,both in-and-out . ever since i was in grade 7,now am a university student . i've been in n out of relationships with countless galz . n whenever i thought it was true love n that i've found my perfect mate,i start talking with another girl n breakup with the one i was currently in relationship with n start dating with the other girl . it kept happening until i found out it was all an infatuation that i've been living my life in . one day,tired of all these fake n 'unrealistic' relationships,i tried for a social networking portal on my mobile phone . i had no such intentions that i would actually come across the love of my life there .
i made a quick profile n sent some voice messages to a couple of female profiles from around my city . nobody happened to reply to my messages until one day i received a voice message from a girl . i was pretty excited . n Her voice tone n the way She spoke,melt my heart at the first sight . i replied to Her voice message n asked Her name,age n location . She replied me back n told me Her name (which is a very sweet one),n Her age (She jus turned 17 that time),n told me She is from Karachi (the city where i live in Pakistan) but She's moved to another city after Her father passed away . i asked Her whether She use internet,n Her reply was no i dun use internet at all because to me the internet world is totally fake . then i asked for Her num,if She'd give me We would talk on mobile n get to knw each other more better,at which She agreed at once n in the next voice message She recorded Her num for me to note down . We started talking . i asked Her if i can cal Her at which She said no,She would cal me herself . well,She called me that night n We started talking .
i asked about Her n Her family . She asked about mine . She asked me whether i would tell my mother about Her n i said,yea,why not ? n She was quite happie on hearing this . We kept on talking n We made a really nice conversation . (am African n She's Pakistani) .
i told Her my father passed away 12 years ago,n She told me that Her father passed away too 5 years ago :( We kinda shared the same story,interests n likes from the very beginning,which now We knw We both have almost everything in common :) i liked Her habit,how thru the whole convo She didnt lied about anything n was quite straightforward n optimistic about the future n stuff . after that We kept on talking on texts n in the middle of the night,suddenly She said "i love yu" ..
i was quite shocked at first . i said,did Yu jus said Yu love me ? n She got scared . She said no,i mean i love yu as a frien . after that She started crying . i asked Her n She said She was crying . i tried to cal Her,She dropped the line n called back on my num . to my surprise,She was really crying :( i asked Her to stop crying n talk to me . i asked Her if She really loves me n while sobbing She said yes,i do really love yu . at which i said,okay,I Love Yu Too ! :) it felt lyk this was exactly what She wanted to hear n at once She stopped crying n smiled n said,do yu really love me ahmed ? :) n i said yea,i do really love Yu S*** :) She said,promise me yu'll never ever even think of leaving me n that yu'll always be mine n marry me only n will never ever even try to talk to any girl besides me . i promised Her all that She asked of me n She was really very happie :) She was giggling n laughing n She told me,i came across millions of guys in my life,talked to a thousand jus to c what type of people really exist in this world . but never ever before in my entire life i felt this type of affection n attraction for anyone .
i never thought i would ever love someone in my life n even that this suddenly n even will get ready to marry him :) i cant believe i jus found yu ! yu're the first n last love of my life ahmed :) yu're the only one i've ever loved,n will ever love n i feel lyk am on top of the world with yu by my side :) i was really very happie to have Her in my life,it was my only dream which came true . She's jus two years younger than me n She's a wonder,,seriously ! :) She told me,i dun think i've done such a good deed in my entire life that in return i am being rewarded with such an amazing guy lyk yu,,i blushed :p :) from that day on,We started Our journey as two lovers walking on a same path n then i told my family about Her . my mother talked to Her n She succeeded in winning my family's heart too ! :) then She told Her family about me n Our relationship n well ..
We're happily engaged now n planning to get married ryt after graduating from university . which is roughly 4-5 years :) my whole family loves,respects n cares for Her n vice versa :) still today We talk about how We met n miraculously fell in love with each other n We both jus laugh about it n say seriously,We didnt even knew how it even happened that We fell in love with each other all of a sudden but whatever happened,now We knw it was meant to be n We're made for each other so no need to think back n lets jus chill n enjoy Our life n jus wait for Our wedding to come then We got a whole lot of new life coming up ahead of Us n i say yeah,definitely .. :) so,this was the whole big story in short . i now believe that whatever i did in my past life was jus an infatuation i was living in . n i've never felt this amazing n loved ever in my life before .
this is what true love is,to me . n now i knw it was Our destiny that Our paths would cross n We would meet n fall in love with each other lyk this n get engaged n soon get married as well :) i've been with countless galz before but i swear on my life i never came across such an 'Angelic Girl' ever in my life before .. :) this is what true love is . i still cant believe it but one thing i believe in n knw for sure is that Good Lord has made Us for each other n We were meant to be together . i couldnt be any happier in my life than i am ryt now . looking forward to spending the rest of my life with such a wonderful wifey of mine . surely,to love n be loved is everything ... :)







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Najimudeen M

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