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Saturday, February 22, 2014

Dating in Islam , – Question:Is dating allowed in Islam so that I can get to know someone for marriage? It’s hard to get married and dating is normal in our society. Arranged marriages aren’t realistic for us nowadays.



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- Question:Is dating allowed in Islam so that I can get to know someone for marriage? It’s hard to get married and dating is normal in our society. Arranged marriages aren’t realistic for us nowadays.-

- Answer:
As-salamu `alaykum brother,
Thank you for the honest question you asked regarding dating. There are a number of issues that you brought up. First, you have pointed out that you live in a society where dating is the norm. While I understand and sympathize with that struggle, it is important to make clear that just because something is the norm in one’s society, does not justify participating in it. In the society that the Prophet (sal-Allahu alayhi wa-sallam) lived, burying little girls alive was the norm. Of course, the principles of Islam prohibited such barbarism – regardless of what was widespread at the time.
In fact, the Prophet (sws) has told us that those who follow the right path will always be ‘different’ or ‘strange’ to the mainstream. In one beautiful hadith, the Prophet (sws) says:“Islam began as something strange, and will revert to being strange as it began. So give glad tidings to the strangers.”Then the people asked, “Who are they (the strangers), O Messenger of Allah?” He answered,“Those who are pious and righteous when the people have become evil.”(Ahmad)
Secondly, you state the concern of getting to know someone for marriage. You explain that dating is needed since arranged marriages are not feasible. However, by saying this you imply that these are the only two routes to getting married. What you are forgetting is that there is a third option: the option taught to us by our beloved Prophet (sws). Let us examine each of the three options for meeting a marriage partner:
1) Dating
One option is dating. This option is prohibited for a number of reasons. First, the Prophet (sws) has taught us that it is haram for a non-mahram (unrelated) man and a woman to be alone together. This is calledkhilwa. He warns that if this happens, Shaytan (satan) will be present with them. The Prophet (sws) said:“Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third.”(Sahih Bukhari) Now it is important to note that Allah never prohibits something unless it is harmful to us. Let us examine for a moment the harm in this.
First, most reports of sexual abuse are not committed by strangers. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of Justice, 68% of young girls raped knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance, and 60% of rapes of young women occur in their own home or a friend or relative’s home – not in a dark alley. So, overwhelmingly, it is those people who you are out on a ‘date’ with that commit these crimes. Also, as dating has become more widespread in a society, so has unwanted pregnancy, as well as sexually transmitted diseases. By prohibiting khilwa, Allah, in His infinite wisdom, is protecting us.
Also, as you know even consensual extra-marital intercourse (zina) is a grave sin in Islam. But Allah did not just tell us not to commit zina. He says in the Qur’an:“Do not come close to zina for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).”(Qur’an, 17:32). One does not leave their infant to play on a highway, but hope they will not get hit by a car. One important Islamic principle is: prevention before cure. You do not come close to fire, and then wonder why you got burned. Therefore, Allah has prohibited anything that may lead to zina, namely khilwa (being in seclusion). Now if just being in seclusion is prohibited, what can be said about physical contact and the whole institution of dating?
In support of dating, some argue that it is needed in order to find a spouse. The irony in this is that dating does not increase marital success. In fact, the United States is a culture where dating is the norm. However, 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. And according to a study by the National Bureau of Economic Research, couples who lived together before marrying have nearly an 80 percent higher divorce rate than those who did not. So if dating is putting you at a higher risk of sexual abuse, sexually transmitted disease, and unwanted pregnancy, and it makes you no more likely to find a successful marriage partner – but in fact less likely – what logical person would chose this option, even if it were not prohibited by Islam?
2) Arranged Marriage
There is also the option of completely arranged marriages. While it is fine for parents or mutual friends to introduce two prospective partners, the Prophet (sws) has told us not to go into a marriage blindly. Once a man came to the Prophet (sws) and told him that he was going to get married. The Prophet (sws) asked if he had seen the woman. When the man said no, he said:“Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.”(Ahmad)
3) Islamic Courting
Islam provides the balanced solution to courting, which protects the individual and the society, but does not have people enter marriage blindly. If there is a woman you are considering for marriage, you should approach hermahram(male relative). From there, many avenues exist to get to know her better, without having to be in seclusion or engaging in physical contact. Talking to someone over the phone, through email or the internet, or in the company of a mahram, gives you a chance to find out more about them, without crossing the boundaries set by Allah in His infinite wisdom. The Prophet Muhammad (sws) said,“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him not have a private audience with a woman without her mahram.”(Ahmad)
This is the way designed by our Creator, who made everything in the universe, who knows what is hidden and what is open, who knows the future and the past, who knows us, better than we could ever know about ourselves. How could we ever think that a better system could exist than the one prescribed by our Maker and the master of the universe?
Wallahu `alam.
I pray that what I’ve said has been beneficial to you. Anything I said that was right, it is from Allah. Anything wrong, is from myself.
The End
That’s the end of Yasmin’s piece. I’d like to add a few comments of my own. Sister Yasmin’s article is informative and of course correct in all it’s statements of fact, but doesn’t really offer practical alternatives for men and women getting to know each other. Yasmin says, “If there is a woman you are considering for marriage, you should approach her mahram. From there, many avenues exist to get to know her better, without having to be in seclusion or engaging in physical contact.” Of course this is true, but how do you get to that point of choosing someone that you might be interested in for marriage? Just by seeing someone at work, school or a conference? That feels like taking an important step based on insufficient information.
I have three suggestions that would allow singles to meet in an Islamic manner, to get to know each other for marriage:
1. Internet matrimonial services.Of course we have online matrimonial services now – like Zawaj.com! That’s a good place to start, and does not require breaking any Islamic rules. Young people can read one another’s profiles, exchange a few anonymous messages through the matrimonial service’s messaging system, then if they find each other interesting they can take it offline and contact each other’s families.
2. Marriage events.I’m talking about organized marriage events where men and women can meet in a structured and supervised environment. This should be a more widely considered option. There are some organizations doing this already, but they tend to be held only occasionally in larger cities. Smaller cities rarely see such marriage events. I think local mosques should take the lead in organizing marriage events for the singles in their communities.
And every major Islamic conference should include such an event.
3. Imams as matchmakers.Maybe the Imam of each community (and his wife) should take it as one of the office’s functions to maintain a database of single brothers and sisters, and make suggestions and introductions. I’ve read about an Imam in New York who does that quite successfully.
We seem to have these two extremes – either an arranged marriage between cousins, which is generally unhealthy and seems to end in misery more often than not, or a free-for-all where young people must fend and seek for themselves, and often fall into sin.
As a community we must develop modern alternatives that satisfy Islamic requirements and allow single Muslim men and women to meet. -
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Fathwa, - Married without the consent of her Wali and wants to end her marriage










Question
Salam. The couple got married 2 yrs ago without the permission of the girl's father )because the family was against the rishta(. there were 2 witnesses and an appointed wali, they all signed on a self written paper, not verified by any governing body. The marriage was kept hidden the entire period. In this time period the husband & wife have stayed together for only 3 months, last meeting physically was 10 months ago. The husband has never provided any money for lodging/food, etc. Due to differences in cultures, likes and thoughts the wife seeks khula but the husband refuses. Is this marriage valid? If it is, how can the wife seek khula without making this into a court case. Seeking a strong fatwa which can clarify issues. Pls email back if any other details are required. Jazakallah khair
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammadis His slave and Messenger.
The consent of the woman’s guardian is a condition for the validity of the marriage according to the preponderant view of the scholarsas we clarified in Fatwa 83629. If the closest guardian to the girl has a sound reason for preventing the girl under his guardianship from marriage, then the other guardians of the girl are not permitted to marry her off. If a far guardian marries her off while the closest guardian is available, then the marriage is not valid according to the most preponderant opinion of the scholars.
However, the invalid marriage about which there is a difference of opinion must be ended either by divorce or by invalidating it. In case the husband refuses to divorce the wife, she is permitted to take the matter to an Islamic court so that the judge would invalidate her marriage. Besides, a wife can seek Khul’ from her husband without resorting to an Islamic court, by agreeing with him to pay him compensation so that he would divorce her. Allaah Says )what means(:}… Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allaah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back )the Mahr or a part of it( for her Al-Khul' )divorce(.{]Quran 2:229[ For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 89039. Anyway, in a void marriage, the husband is not obliged to spend on his wife unless she is pregnant.
The following matters should be mentioned:
It is not a condition for the validity of the marriage contract to register it in the court or in any other governmental authority.
If the marriage meets the conditions of a valid marriage, it is not a secret marriage. Making the marriage public is desirable and not an obligation.
If we presume that the marriage was valid, it is not permissible for the wife to ask for Khul’ or divorce without a sound reason. The difference in likes and thoughts between the husband and the wife is not a sound reason for seeking
Allaah Knows best.









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Fathwa, - She seeks khul’ from her husband who committed adultery and rejects the Sunnah










Question
Asalamualaikum, May Allah reward you for your time and this service. I would like to ask a question regarding child custody in Islam. I have obtained Khul from my husband based on two key reasons. The first reason is that I found out that he had committed sexual acts with prostitutes and a male partner. The second reason is that he has started following a sect called Al’Quraanioon who deny many hadiths of the prophet and believe that Islamic jurisdiction should only be based on the Quran as the sunnah or ahadith of the prophet )pbuh( can not be trusted. I have young children with this man and will need to obtain a civil divorce from the courts soon. In applying for custody of the children I intend to do whatever I can to prevent him from seeing the children as I am concerned about him passing on his misguided ideas to them. He loves his children very much and it would destroy him to have them taken from him in this way. Is this the Islamically correct thing to do? If the father has now left Islam as a result of his denying many aspects of the sunnah does he have any right to these children? In addition to this if he has left Islam are the child maintenance payments received from him halal for my children and is this effected if his earnings are also coming from unlawful sources. On another note, if my ex-husband's new fiance` asks me about him, am I required to inform her of my experience with him and about his past sins and current state, regardless of the consequences for me and my children )In revenge he may try to abduct them if he finds out(. What if they are already married )have signed the marriage contract(? Is it also my responsibility to warn her regardless of whether she asks me herself or not? Jazakumullahu Kheiran for your time and response. Asaamualaikum
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammadis His slave and Messenger.
If the matter is as you mentioned that this man commits Zina )adultery( then he has indeed committed a grave major sin. What is even graver than this sin is to believe in the ideology of the sect that denies that the Sunnah is a source of legislation, who are the Quraniyyoon. Denying the Sunnah as a source of legislation is an act of Kufr that takes a person out of the fold of Islam as clarified in Fatwa 91740. Indeed, you did well by separating from him.
For more benefit on how to refute the misguidance of such sect, please refer to Fatwa 81124.
Based on that, this man has no right in the fostering of his children as long as he is in this condition because Islam is a condition that must be met by person to be a fosterer according to the preponderant opinion of the scholars. For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 90461.
However, you are not permitted to prevent him from seeing his children because the juristsstated that it is not permissible for the spouse who has the right to foster the children to prevent the other spouse from seeing the fostered child )children(.Ibn Qudaamahsaid:“A spouse should not be prevented from seeing the fostered child who is with the other spouse.”But you are not permitted to leave him alone with the children when he comes to see them if it is feared that he will influence them with his misguiding and wrong ideas.
In any case, if the parent apostates, his children are still obliged to be kind and dutiful to him, Allaah Says )what means(:}But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in ]this[ world with appropriate kindness{]Quran 31:15[ Moreover, the father is obliged to spend on his children even if he is a non-Muslim. Nonetheless, if his earnings are from ill-gotten money, it is only permissible to eat from it according to the necessity.
On the other hand, if this man’s fiancée seeks your advice, then you are obliged to inform her about him just to the extent to make her avoid him. Nonetheless, some scholarsare of the view that you should inform her about him even if she does not seek your advice. You are obliged to inform her even if he had already conducted the marriage contract with her. However, if you fear that you or your children will be harmed by him, then you are not obliged to inform her.
Allaah Knows best.









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