Fathwa, - His daughter wants to take Khul’ from her husband

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Question
ASAWRWB, my daughter married in 2003 and begot 2 children.my son-in-law cheated us though he was already married, he did not work for first 3 years for fear of dowry harrasment case pending against him due to first marriage. we came to know of this since 1 year. he is arrogant and mistreated my daughter, he uses filthy language, he is blackmailing my daughter through her son aged 7 years.he also filed false case of attempt to murder against me in india. my daughter wants to get separated and join me at qatar.he does not want to give the boy but he does not want his daughter.he states that his previous case is solved but does not shows the evidence. he does not care the law of the land, though high court order allows my daughter to visit her parents , he does not allow her. my family with my 2nd daughter is in qatar,pl advise us as to what we should do in the light of shariah. can we claim for the custody of the boy due to his bad character. he is an absconding person with no relationship and whereabouts.can my daughter seek for khula and if so what r his liabilities and her liabilities.iam praying to the Allmighty to make favourable judgement in the best interest of my daughter. may ALLAAH bestow His blessings and mercy on us all, may ALLAAH find a good and favourable soloution to this problem, as HIS knowledge is vast and we have no knowledge of what is good or bad for us. He is all knowing, most powerful, best of all judges,pl do pray for us and inshaallaah hope ALLAAH finds for us a solution very soon. my daughter is living separately now with her 4 year old daughter, as he has left her to the mercy of ALLAH , my daughter is steadfast, alhamdullillaah, observing saum, salat and hijab.may ALLAAH guide u to advise us righteously and reward u for the same, maa salaam
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammadis His slave and Messenger.
We have already issued Fatwa 86395clarifying that a husband is not obliged to inform his second wife that he is already married. Therefore, you have no right to file a case against that man just because he was already married before marrying your daughter.
As regards what you mentioned about his mistreatment to your daughter – if this is true – then he is Islamically not permitted to do so as he is ordered to treat her kindly; Allaah Says )what means(: }And live with them in kindness.{]Quran 4:19[ For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 88304.
In case she is harmed by staying with him, then she has the right to ask for divorce due to the harm even if this divorce is in return for compensation that she gives to him; this is what is called Khul’ and it is clarified in Fatwa 89039.
However, it should be noted that he is not permitted to take this compensation from her if he is the one who caused the harm. Allaah Says )what means(: }And do not make difficulties for them in order to take ]back[ part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality ]i.e. adultery[.{]Quran 4:19[
As regards the fostering of these two children when the parents are still married, then it is the right of both parents, and if they separate, the fostering is for the mother as long as she does not remarry. In case she travels to another country, the fostering is for the father;Al-Mardaawifrom the Hanbali school of jurisprudence, said in his book “Al-Insaaf”: “If either parent wants to travel to a distant and safe country in order to live there, then the father has more right in fostering the child.”
Moreover,Ibn Taymiyyahsaid in his book “Al-Fataawi Al-Kubra”: “If the husband resides in a country other than the country of the mother, then it is him who has the right in the fostering and not the mother, even though the mother has more right in the fostering than him if they are in the same country. This is also the view of the four schools of jurisprudence.”
Furthermore, having a bad conduct does not prevent the father from his right in the fostering as long as the matter does not reach dissoluteness as the fosterer may lose his right in fostering due to this, like if he/she is known for committing Zina )fornication or adultery(, consuming intoxicants and the like. For more benefit, refer to Fatwa 90461.
As mentioned before, your daughter has the right to ask her husband for Khul’, meaning asking him to divorce her in return for compensation that she gives to him. In case she takes Khul’, she becomes irrevocably divorced from him, and so, he does not have to spend on her unless she is pregnant. Besides, she is obliged to observe a waiting period and she is not permitted to live with him in the same house unless each one of them is in a part of the house that is separate with all its amenities as he has become a non-Mahram to her and there is no longer any relation between them.
In conclusion, you may endeavor to free your daughter from that man if it is confirmed that he harms her and she wants to be separated from him. Nonetheless, our advice is that rational people from the family of the husband and from that of the wife should interfere and try to reconcile between them if possible, otherwise let separation take place in kindness.
It should be noted here that it is not permissible to take the case to non-Islamic courts unless in case of necessity. Similarly, it is not permissible to act according to its ruling if it contradicts the Sharee’ah.
Finally, the following two matters should be noted:
1- The scholars differed in opinion in regard to a husband preventing his wife from visiting her parents even if they are in the same country, let alone if they are in another country. For more details, refer to Fatwa 82969.
2- What you mentioned about that man accusing you of trying to kill him, if this is just an accusation without any evidence, then this is a clear sin; Allaah Says )what means(: }And those who harm believing men and believing women for ]something[ other than what they have earned ]i.e. deserved[ have certainly born upon themselves a slander and manifest sin.{]Quran 33:58[








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Islamic Articles, - The girl is like the boy: A slogan often raised but not applied - II

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A.S., a 25 year-old woman who was divorced two years ago, says, “One of the main reasons behind my divorce was my husband’s inability to depend on himself for anything. He would refer to his mother in every single issue in our life to know how to handle it. The parents’ continuous interference brings problems that the house cannot bear.”
Ideal examples
However, there are ideal examples of husbands who help their wives with the housework and children who are taught to participate in all the chores. For example, there is a family where a mother of four, all sons, works until late. She has taught all of them to do a certain task inside the house: one cleans the house, another prepares the food and another washes the dishes, such that they all finish the housework by the time she arrives home. Despite this, these youth are successful in their work and studies. How rare are families like this one in society!
A doubled responsibility
Dr. Nasr Ad-Deen Shihaab, professor of Special Education at Helwan University, says: To bring the children up to bear responsibility and to depend on themselves, is dependant on several factors. The responsibility of upbringing is not shouldered by the family alone; rather, there is a type of challenge and participation in the process of upbringing on the part of the school, faculty, or institute or education, and also the media plays a role in this process. From all these institutions, the children acquire attitudes, whether they are good or bad. Consequently, the responsibility of the family is doubled for it is no longer the only factor that influences the children. The parents’ mission has become greater. Hence, considerable care should be given to the children from their birth and the parents should pay great attention to their growth as well as the characteristics of each stage of their life. It is easy to talk about this; however, applying it is difficult because when we allow our children to have some independence, there is usually confusion between freedom and immorality. Freedom means to be independent but still restricted by certain regulations; on the contrary, immorality has no restrictions. Freedom means preserving the components of something to perform its functions away from any pressure; however, immorality means dissociation and disintegration.
A philosophy of upbringing
Imaam ‘Ali, may Allaah be pleased with him, put forward a philosophy of upbringing that is considered a very profound and wide-ranging educational system. It depends on dividing the stages of the lives of children into three stages, and each stage has its own characteristics and ways of dealing with it. ‘Ali, may Allaah be pleased with him, said:“Play with your child for seven years, then discipline him for seven years, then be his friend for seven years, then give him free rein.”During his formative years, the child must feel all the meanings of goodness in order to be a positive member of the society, form a correct idea about the world around him and have no fear when dealing with others. Then, the next stage in the child’s life depends on his upbringing in terms of reward and punishment. The punishment should be clear if the child makes a mistake. Moreover, the parents should bring their child up on carrying responsibility for his actions. All this turns into an attitude that becomes part of his character. This education, way of time management, independence and participating with others in good works will be inculcated in him.
Intellectual nature
Dr. Nasr adds:Then, we move to the next stage, which is the stage of youth, ripeness and understanding of life’s affairs. We need to guide the child during this stage to have a sincere intention in all his acts and behave correctly. In this stage, talking with him should be done in an intellectual way. This stage is based on discipline, for the child learns here how to honor and respect elders. We should also entrust him with tasks pointing out to him the reward if he accomplishes them and the punishment if he proves to be negligent. In this way, he moves from the small sphere to the larger one and so on. The parents should accustom their son to bear responsibility inside and outside the family. They may, for example, let him know the financial situation of the family, participate in thinking of ways of spending and saving and they may even let him shoulder the responsibility of the house one day in the week in order to accustom him to shoulder his responsibilities when he is married.
The role of the media
Dr. ‘Arafah ‘Aamir, a professor of Broadcasting at Al-Azhar University, agrees with Dr. Nasr on many points. He says that Islam pays great attention to the children’s upbringing, even before they come into existence, for it urges the husband to choose a righteous wife who is religious and of good morals. Islam is also keen on choosing a good name for the child which conveys good meanings. Islam appreciates the males and females equally in terms of what affects their future life. It also acknowledges the importance of the children’s upbringing since the beginning of their speech and understanding. The following was narrated in a tradition,“The first thing you should introduce to your children is ‘la ’ilaaha illa Allaah’ )None is truly worthy of worship but Allaah(.”During that stage, the child stores information and hears what is good and bad. When the stage of output comes, he starts to utter what he has heard. Hence, we should pay great attention to him and look after him. The process of upbringing extends throughout one’s life. It begins from his birth or even before it and lasts for ever for it is an accumulative upbringing.
Prevention of discrimination
Islam has severely warned against discrimination between the male and the female. It is a mistake in upbringing when we discriminate between the male and the female and prefer the former. If we do so, we are planting selfishness and egoism in the male. If he continues to grow up without ever being entrusted with anything, he will grow into a fragile person who is unable to bear responsibility. Life is full of experiences and trials; hence, he will not be able to deal with them properly. It is wrong to throw all the responsibility onto the female’s shoulder inside the house. Rather, there should be a distribution of roles so that every member of the family knows his duties. There are things that are done by the fathers, things that are done by the mother and other things that are done by the children. Islam preferred men to women with one degree only, namely, the right to be in charge. Unfortunately, there are men who fail to be in charge.
The house is like a ship that needs a leader who can make the right decision at the right time and be responsible for his family before Allaah The Almighty, the people and the law. This family is what gives the country its valued members, who could either be good members and building factors or destructive tools. We should not discriminate between children in terms of treatment, giving gifts and in anything else, even affection, in order not to make them feel jealous and fill their hearts with hatred towards their parents or siblings; consequently, they will have a contrary reaction.
Both the man and the woman have their special roles that fit their nature. Strength and forbearance are part of man’s nature; hence, he should bear the burdens of work outside the house. On the other hand, the woman is responsible for the work inside the house, and outside it only in what conforms with her emotional and kind nature. However, if the man becomes absorbed in women's work, his character will disintegrate and he will lose his manhood. By the same token, if the woman becomes absorbed in men’s work, she will lose her femininity and her nature will be affected.
We are not calling man to refrain from helping his mother, sister or wife with the housework, but he should also not be completely overcome with women's work. Moderation should be observed in everything. This does not prevent the existence of harmony and a mixture of mercy and cooperation inside the family between the father, the mother and the children. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would be at the service of his family. He would buy what they needed from the market and help his wives with the housework.
Hence, when a man helps his wife with the housework, he is only following the example of our noble Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, especially if the wife is preoccupied with the children or if she works outside the house. The man should not sit with his legs crossed and say, ‘I am the man’ and leave his wife overwhelmed by housework from A to Z. Mercy, cooperation and participation are the ingredients of a happy Muslim






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Islamic Articles, - The girl is like the boy: A slogan often raised but not applied - I

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work or to get something for the house, she directs her advice to her daughter, or perhaps even commands her, to prepare the breakfast for her brothers, tidy up the house, and look after the young siblings, in addition to a list of commands. The mother never thinks of directing even a single command to her son. She continues to do so and the boy grows up with this incorrect concept in his mind; that he is not responsible for anything, whether inside or outside the house. Afterwards, the suffering of the mother starts; however, neither advice nor guidance can be of any benefit at this time because it will be too late. This is because whoever grows up on something will continue to have it all his life.
Mothers: We made a mistake from the outset by not accustoming our sons to depend on themselves and help their sisters with the housework.
Wives: Pampering the boy during his childhood makes him grow into a husband who is unable to shoulder the responsibilities of his house and children.
Dr. Nasr Ad-Deen Shihaab says that dividing the upbringing of children into three stages is an educational philosophy, while Dr. ‘Arafah ‘Aamir says that if the children are not brought up to bear responsibility, this will make them unable to deal with the trials and experiences of life.
The result of indulgence
A. A., an employee in a company, complains about her 25-year-old son whom she used to spoil excessively and respond to all his requests. She did not accustom him to depend upon himself until he got used to this treatment and now, as a result, he has no desire to work. Although he was offered suitable opportunities to work, he refused them all. Now she has become old and she needs rest, care and help because she is no longer able to do everything; however, he does not even fetch himself a glass of water. She says that she is extremely regretful that she did not accustom him to work and depend on himself. He also prefers relaxation and laziness to the extent that he does not search for work, despite his high skills and qualifications. He is used to comfort and is not accustomed to enduring hardships. Hence, he is waiting for work that does not have any hardship and does not require any effort. However, where will he find such work?
F.M., a housewife, says: Unfortunately, it is wrong to make the boy accustomed to being obeyed by his sisters, who fulfill all his requests even if they are older than him; and it is also wrong to entrust all the housework to the girl without asking the boy to help her, for that is a great pressure on her. This custom is not found in the countryside because the boy there gets used to hard work from his young age, and depends upon himself so that he grows up as an assistant to his father on the farm or in his profession. Unfortunately, we teach our sons that this is their right and that they should only command while we have to obey. Hence, the husband depends on his wife in all affairs. If she gets tired or needs some rest, everything in the family life changes and there is no one who can do her job. This is a grave mistake in upbringing that we should avoid in the forthcoming generations.
Sheereen Kamaal, a wife who works as a social specialist in a school, says, “Normall, the wife should do the housework and the day-long hardship is enough for the husband. Sometimes, he also works at night to provide for his family. However, because of my work, I need my husband’s help at home sometimes. Unfortunately, he insists that he does not have the time to help me. The husband always feels that his wife is responsible for all the housework even if she is a working woman because he had been accustomed to this in his parents’ house before marriage. He would see his mother and sisters doing all the housework.”
Her mother confirms this saying: From the outset, the mother is responsible for this. My son, Muhammad, used to do some simple tasks like preparing breakfast or dinner because he used to do so from the time he was young. On the other hand, my other son, Ahmad, does not even tidy up his room and throws his belongings all over the house. I admit that this is my fault. Had I accustomed them to help with the housework from their childhood, this would not have happened. They also used to see me and their sisters doing all the housework. Now, their sisters are married, I have become old and need their help. However, they leave everything to me.
A society that prefers males
Shaadiyah Sa‘d, a newly-married housewife, says: The girl is like the boy in everything. Both of them have duties that they should fulfill and rights that they should have. However, in our eastern society, we discriminate between the boy and the girl. The boy, from a young age, dominates his sister and believes that she has to do all the housework and fulfill his requests. We live in a society that prefers males and recognizes them before the females. If we overburden the girl with tasks that she can not do, we are unfair to her. Had the mother distributed the responsibilities between the boy and the girl from their young age, the boy would have grown up depending on himself and able to bear







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