Marital Life, - 'You' and 'I': The Art of Communication in MaritalLife – II

Share ::-

There is a huge difference between a positive statement such as:"I always look forward to you returning home in the evening to see you and talk to you", and a negative one such as:"You never care to listen to me even when we meet in the evening."
The use of the pronoun "I" in conversation is more influential and more effective than the use of the pronoun "you"; and "I" always reduces the severity of what you want to say. Try to compare the following two statements:
·"You don't care about the condition of the house"which is construed by the listener to be an accusation of negligence.
·"I feel lonely when I am doing the housework",which means the wife bears the responsibility for doing the housework even if she feels lonely, and she does the housework alone.
Dear brothers and sisters:
When the spouses use the subjective pronoun “I” more often in their dialogue, and include positive meanings in their words, their relationship will improve immediately and noticeably, and they may find solutions for their problems once they improve their manner of conversation and dialogue.
It is true that it is not easy to start using the subjective pronoun "I". This depends on the decision taken by each of the spouses to start bearing responsibility for their feelings and needs, and expressing themselves wisely. This requires the person to acquire a special skill in the ability to talk about oneself.
The use of the subjective pronoun "I" means that one will no longer use expressions such as:“You always…”, "You never…", "You make me feel…",which will be replaced with such expressions as:"I feel… ", “I wish…”, "I do not want to...".
Three important words that help one acquire the skills of listening and talking are: feelings, needs and wishes. These simple expressions:"I feel","I need", and"I wish"transmit to others what we like to say about ourselves, and what we need from others to help us. For example, we could say:
"I have been feeling so stressed out and tired lately."
"I need some rest."
"I wish you could understand what this means to me, so you could help me find a way to rest."
What is more important is that a person speaks subjectively, and talks about his own feelings briefly. It is difficult for some people to acquire this skill; and they may need a lot of encouragement and patience if they are slow in this respect.
In conclusion:
In this article, we have seen the means by which we can talk to each other more effectively. Thus, instead of blaming one another, by saying "you" more than "I", it is important that one should talk positively and subjectively, i.e. about himself, by using the subjective pronoun “I” more often. This helps us express our feelings, needs and wishes, especially when learning the skills of listening and talking, and keeping the channels of communication open with the other party.
Dear husband and wife,
The best way to practice the art of communication is not to blame the other by using "you", but instead, to try to use such positive words as "I" to express our feelings, needs and wishes. An earnest attempt to change what is said or done by the other party into something positive can help one appreciate or, at least, understand them better.
For example, you could say,"I am sorry that things have been tough and difficult for you lately",or you could interrupt the speech by saying:"I can't express how happy I am that you are listening to me like this! How comfortable this makes me feel!"
"I" is intended to express one's purpose:
We can express our purpose by using phrases starting with "I" such as: "I want", "I mean", "I would like to", and "I intend to". When we fail to express ourselves clearly, this failure leads to confusion and ambiguity, for the other party would not understand our wishes and purposes.
Choosing the right words:
Long-term relationships like marriage are characterized by habits that may cause each of the spouses to be heedless of what they says to their life partner, for each partner depends, in choosing words, on habit rather than on conscious selection. Hence, words of encouragement are lost and replaced with others that lead to tension and discontentment.
The following are some of the negative frustrating expressions that are often used:"You will never change","You're always cranky","You're wrong, and this is not the first time."We notice that "you" is most often used to express negative words and emotions.
Examples of encouraging words and expressions are:"I love you","I need you","I respect the way you handle matters. I like it","Can I help you?"We notice here that the word "I" is essential to all positive encouraging expressions.
Things to do:
1-Train yourself to use this manner of communication with your husband this week, and remember to use "I" instead of "you", and use your emotional intelligence in your reactions and dialogue with your husband.
2-The use of "I" instead of "you" is one of the ways you can keep communication open between you and your husband. It implies the concept of bearing responsibility, and carries positive meanings to encourage the other party to continue with the dialogue.







:: Share ::

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - 'You' and 'I': The Art of Communication in MaritalLife – I

Share ::-

He said he was coming in ten minutes’ time. Ten minutes pass, half an hour, an hour, and then he shows up.
The wife:"You said ten minutes, and I have been waiting here for an hour."
The husband:"Forgive me, there was too much traffic."
The wife:"This is not the first time. That’s the way you are; always late. You should have called me."
The husband:"My phone is out of credit, and I have no credit to call."
The wife:"How can I trust you? Do you think I am stupid and that all I have to do is to wait for you?"
He looks at her in confusion and stops talking.
Dear husband and wife,
The husband started with a real excuse, then he chose to protect his marital bond through silence.
Change the "you" into an "I":
The term "you" is nothing but a formula for failure in communicating with your husband. It means:“You are guilty and responsible and you have to change. But I am not responsible.”
"I" means that you are thinking in an attempt to interpret the cause of anger. In the above example, the wife is angry, not because the husband is late but because she feels that she is not important to him, which leads to frustration and then anger. This emotion builds up as time passes, and as her attempt to interpret the cause of his delay continues, it leads to other thoughts:
"He always neglects me."
"He gives no importance to me."
"His work is more important to him than me."
"He thinks I have no feelings."
Another emotion:
Why not express the reaction to the delay by using a different emotion?
Feeling sad because she is lonely?
Being afraid that he should be concerned with anything more than her?
Feeling guilty lest she may have done something which made him come home late?
Fearing that something bad might have happened to him?
Sometimes, she could be glad because she managed to be ready before his arrival.
So, when she meets him, she could say:
"I am sad that you came home late, because this means that I am not important to you."
"If only you knew how afraid I was because you were late… I thought something might have happened to you and I was so worried about you."
"If only you knew how eagerly I await you coming home!"
Then, watch him with his eyes sparkling, approaching you, trying to prove the opposite of that. No man on earth can resist such a reception. If the man were to know that he would be received in this way, surely, he would do his best to arrive as soon as possible the next time. Conversely, if he knows there will be a dispute, he will say to himself,"A quarrel is awaiting me anyway, whether I am late for ten minutes or an hour."
In order not to aggravate the situation, the husband could have said to her when he arrived,"I know that you are upset because I am late and that you have been waiting for me. I apologize."
If each of the spouses leaves the "you" formula, the dialogue will remain open, otherwise, frustration will recur, giving room for anger and resentment to accumulate, which makes any further communication even more difficult.
"I" means that you should ask yourself:"Why am I aggravated?"If you know and address the real cause of aggravation, the pent-up feelings will not accumulate and the reaction will not be negative.
Men must realize that women naturally incline towards caring for others, and devote themselves wholeheartedly to doing so. When a woman’s husband is late, she is concerned about that, and may become tense, and her life and housework may come to a halt because she is worried about him.
The wife should realize that saying "I" instead of "You", and expressing herself using her emotional intelligence will go a long way towards maintaining the channels of communication between her and her husband, instead of silence and an end to dialogue.
Iblees and Aadam… I and you
Consider, dear reader, the difference between the speech of Iblees )Satan(, may Allaah curse him, and the speech of Aadam, may Allaah exalt his mention. In the Noble Quran, Iblees says )what means(:}"My Lord, because You have put me in error{]Quran 15:39[ i.e. 'You are the cause', Exalted and Hallowed be Allaah The Almighty from what he says. On the other hand, Aadam, may Allaah exalt his mention, says:}"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves{]Quran 7:23[ it means he holds himself responsible for the sin.







:: Share ::

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Emotional Communication Between Spouses - III

Share ::-

Cooperation Between the Spouses
Cooperation between the spouses gives life a wonderful flavor. Each of them shares with his partner the times of joy and sadness, poverty and richness, and in taking the right decisions. According to this participation, they become one soul and have effective happiness, affection, mercy and tranquility.
There are many forms of cooperation between the spouses:
Cooperation in Seeking Knowledge
Knowledge is the way to nobility and high rank in this worldly life and the Hereafter. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}Allaah will raise those who have believed among you and those who were given knowledge, by degrees.{]Quran 58:11[ The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“When Allaah intends goodness for someone, He bestows upon him insight in religion.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
The husband should teach the wife the matters of her religion if he is able to do so. If he is not able to do so, he should allow her to go out to attend sessions of knowledge in the mosque )Masjid( or institute. He should facilitate for her the means of seeking knowledge: buying good books or tapes of recorded lessons and admonitions.
The wives of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, were keen on conveying the religion and the Hadeeths of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, to all Muslims. The women of the Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, were keen on learning religious knowledge. It is narrated that some women asked the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, to fix a day for them as the men were taking all his time. Upon that, he promised them one day for religious lessons and commandments. ]Al-Bukhaari[
There have been prominent scholars of Fiqh )Jurisprudence(, Hadeeth and admonishers among women in the past and present. The woman would seek knowledge just like her husband out of her keenness on learning and understanding her religion and to bring up her children to be well-educated and knowledgeable of their religion. Umm Salamah, may Allaah be pleased with her, would answer the questions of women, and ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was famous for her abundant knowledge.
Cooperation in Doing Acts of Obedience
A wife is the partner of the man in his life, and she can make his life either happy or miserable. The righteous wife encourages her husband to perform acts of worship; such as prayer, fasting, Zakaah )obligatory charity(, and Hajj. She helps him adhere to these acts of worship and helps him pray voluntary prayers at night and to give charity to the poor. The righteous wife really is considered half of the man’s religion. The righteous man helps his wife obey Allaah The Almighty and do good deeds. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“May Allaah show mercy to a man who gets up during the night and performs prayer, awakens his wife to pray and, if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face ]to wake her[. May Allaah show mercy to a woman who gets up during the night and performs prayer, awakens her husband for the same purpose; and if he refuses, she sprinkles water on his face.”]Ibn Maajah[
It is wonderful if the spouses are used to reading together something, even if a few verses from the Quran after Fajr prayer, and specify a part to be recited daily. Many spouses who do so have stated that it has had a good effect on their hearts. It even melts away the marks of differences between them. This is the active participation which delights the spouses in the worldly life and the Hereafter.
Cooperation in Seeking Provision
Financial support is an obligatory matter upon the husband. Mu‘aawiyah ibn Haydah, may Allaah be pleased with him, said, “I asked the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, ‘What right can any wife demand of her husband?’ He replied:‘You should give her food when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, not strike her on the face, and not revile her or separate from her except in the house.’”]Abu Daawood and Ibn Hibbaan[
The righteous, honorable wife has many great characteristics. She saves for her husband many expenses and wears what covers her ‘Awrah )body parts forbidden to be uncovered(, eats what satisfies her need, and can afford part of the responsibilities of her husband. Asmaa’ bint Abu Bakr, may Allaah be pleased with her, helped her husband in cultivating some land which the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, endowed to him. She would carry date stones on her back for miles and then used to prepare it as food for the horse of her husband until her father, Abu Bakr, may Allaah be pleased with him, gave her a servant as a gift in order to spare her this hard service.
The Mother of the Believers, Zaynab bint Jahsh, may Allaah be pleased with her, would tan leather and sell it to have money to give as charity in the cause of Allaah The Almighty. The wife of Imaam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, may Allaah have mercy upon her, would spin wool to help in earning their living. The woman can do work that helps her husband be content and have lawful gains without going outside the home and intermixing with men. This work returns in profit and helps the husband; however, it is not obligatory upon her to do so. Rather, she should do so out of participation and cooperation. Some of this work could be:
1- Breeding domestic animals
2- Tailoring clothes for women
3- Embroidery and knitting
4- Art work
The women among the Companions would advise their husbands before they would go out to work saying, “Fear Allaah with regards to us, and do not feed us except from lawful gain. We can bear the hunger of this worldly life, but we cannot bear the punishment of Allaah in Hereafter.” Islam urges contentment and asceticism. A Muslim woman should not yearn for the wealth and blessings that are in the hands of her sisters. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Successful is the one who embraces Islam and is provided with sustenance sufficient for his need, and Allaah makes him content with what He has bestowed upon him.”]Muslim[
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was content and never criticized food. If he liked it, he would eat; otherwise, he would leave it and not say a word. He would eat bread with vinegar or oil. He would wear the available clothing either made of wool, cotton or linen and would wear what was given to him as a gift. It is permissible for the woman to go out to work to gain money if her husband is unable to work or if there is a need for her work. However, she should go out decently and avoid the places of intermixing with men as much as she is able.
Cooperation in Housework
What a wonderful act it is when the husband participates with his wife in some of the housework even if out of affection, sympathy and moral appreciation! It is a good chance for the man to express his appreciation for his wife and endear himself to her even if he does simple work, such as carrying the dishes to the table, spreading out the carpets, and so on.
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was a good example to be followed in helping his family. He would milk his sheep, sew his clothes, mend his shoes, serve himself, clean the home, hobble the camel and feed it, bake with his wives, and carry his goods from the market.
In the Battle of the Trench, Jaabir ibn ‘Abdullaah, may Allaah be pleased with him, helped his wife to prepare a banquet and he slaughtered the sheep, skinned it, and roasted it while his wife was grinding the barley and preparing the bread. When he finished, he called the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, to the banquet. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, took with him a group of the Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, and the food sufficed them all by virtue of the blessing of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.
Cooperation of the Spouses in Raising the Children
Children are the adornment of this worldly life and they are the wish of all spouses. The parents exert their efforts to bring up their children in the best way in order to be righteous offspring that obey Allaah The Almighty. If the spouses leave their children without taking care of them or giving them a sound upbringing, they may become a source of resentment and regret rather than a blessing.
Cooperation in raising the children necessitates taking care of them and fulfilling their needs without stinginess or extravagance, and without distinction among them or preferring one over another. There should be justice between them in terms of food, clothes, looks, smiles and kisses. It is impermissible to prefer the males over the females. Rather, there should be equality in everything, even in gifts.
Basheer ibn Sa‘d Al-Khazraji, may Allaah be pleased with him, went to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, accompanied by his son An-Nu‘maan, and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I make you witness that I gave An-Nu‘maan such and such.” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, asked:“Did you give such a gift to all of your children?”He replied, “No.” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Let someone other than me bear witness to this.”The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, further said:“Do you not except dutifulness from all of them as you expect from him?”The man said, “Yes, of course.” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Then, no ]do not do this[.”]Muslim, An-Nasaa’i and Ibn Maajah[
The greater part of the responsibility of raising the children lies with the mother, as she spends the day and the night with her child, feeding him, giving him drink, giving him kindness and warmth, teaching him the principles of religion, the basics of knowledge and how to take the good and avoid the harmful and so on, so that the child grows up a good person benefiting himself, his family and his Ummah )Muslim nation(. The Arab poet, Haafith Ibraaheem, said that the mother is like a school in that if you prepare her well, you would prepare a well-mannered people.
On the other hand, the father works outside the home all day to ensure a good life for his family. He might return home late at night and need to rest. We hear a lot that the father goes out to work before his children wake up and returns after they sleep, and that the children do not see their father except in the holidays. He might sometimes travel for years away from the children. Fathers should think carefully about this matter because it has a bad effect on the children.
In fact, the responsibility of upbringing should be borne by both spouses. It is not permissible for the husband to leave his children without care. He must sit with them daily in order to know their conditions and listen to their activities, and then guide them to the correct way if they made a mistake, and encourage them if they did what is right. Hence, the spirit of cooperation and understanding will spread among the family members. The children will obey the instructions of the parents and be keen on satisfying them. Accordingly, it will be easy for the parents to guide them and reform their bad behavior.
The spouses should do their best and cooperate to bring up righteous children. If the upbringing of the child was ignored while he was young, it would be hard to reform him when he grows up. The child gets accustomed to the way that he grows up being accustomed to. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Honor your children, and bring them up well.”]Ibn Maajah[
Whoever is left in his childhood without being disciplined, it would be far harder to discipline him when he grows up. It should be taken into consideration to train the children to pray, encourage them to memorize the Quran and read beneficial knowledge, develop natural abilities and talents, and encourage them to go frequently to the mosques and places of knowledge in order to keep them away from the places of corruption and bad company. If the spouses cooperate well and are patient in the upbringing of the children, Allaah The Almighty would admit them to Paradise and protect them from Hell.
‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, said, “A woman came to me with her two daughters. She asked me ]for charity[, but I found nothing with me except one date-fruit, so I gave it to her. She accepted it and then divided it between her two daughters, and she herself ate nothing of it. She then got up and went out. When the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, came in, and I narrated to him the story, and he said:‘He who is tested ]by bearing the responsibility[ of ]bringing up[ daughters, and is benevolent towards them, they would become protection for him against Hell.’”]Al-Bukhaari, Muslim and At-Tirmithi[
Treating Servants
The wife might be unable to meet the needs of the home: cleaning, preparing food, bringing up the children, serving the husband, and so on. Accordingly, she may resort to hire a servant or babysitter to shoulder some of these responsibilities. It is more appropriate to have a Muslim servant. Such servants are our brothers and sisters whom we should treat kindly.
We have a good example in this regard in the life of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, said, “I served the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for nine years, and I do not know ]of any instance[ when he said to me, ‘Why you have done this or that’, and he never found fault with me in anything.” ]Muslim[
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“]Servants are[ your brothers whom Allaah has placed under your command. So whoever has a brother under his command should feed him of what he eats, and dress him of what he wears. Do not ask them ]i.e., the servants[ to do things beyond their capacity ]power[, and if you do so, then help them.”]Al-Bukhaari[
When a man helps his servant, he instills in him love and sympathy. A man might be used as a porter, cook, driver, gardener, and so on, due to the need for him. The aging or disability of the husband or the wife is one of the reasons of having servants. They should choose an honest servant who conceals the secrets of the home and safeguards its belongings. It is not permissible for the husband to be in seclusion with the maid-servant, and it is impermissible for the wife to be in seclusion with the male-servant or to display her beauty before him, in order to prevent evils and unfavorable results. The wife should be alert and careful in her dealing with men who usually visit the home, such as the presser, milkman, collector of electricity fees, and so on.








:: Share ::

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M