Marital Life, - Divorcees Before the Wedding

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In recent times, cases of divorce before the consummation of the wedding have increased among youth for many reasons. Among them are the demanding of excessive dowries, furnishing the marital home, the housing crisis, the absence of religion in people's lives and the excessive intermixing between the couples, which causes coldness of emotions and drives the young man to think of marrying another woman. In this report, we will discuss this phenomenon. Dr. Ahmad Al-Majdoob, a professor of sociology, says,“Marriage in our current age is based on incorrect foundations. The family of the girl does not make inquiries about the groom and does not ask about his origin, family or even about his morals and religion. Concentration on money has become the basis. The more the suitor meets the material demands of the bride's family, like having a house that is furnished with all kinds of luxuries, a fashionable car, and an excessive dowry, the more acceptance and approval he receives.”
Dr. Al-Majdoob adds: Being far from religion is the most important cause of the increase in divorce rates before the actual wedding day. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, laid the basic principles of marriage and made religion and good morals the basis for forming the Muslim family; he said:"If someone comes to you seeking marriage ]to your daughter[ and you approve of his religion and morals, marry him ]to her[; if you do not do that, there will be Fitnah ]tribulations[ on earth and great corruption."
In the past, Egyptian society, like other Islamic societies, had familial solidarity and marriage was a familial project, not an individual one. Hence, marriage was stable, and we never heard about widespread cases of divorce because families would choose religious men with good morals. Also, the mother would bring up her girl in accordance with the teachings of Islam and would inform her of her rights and her duties towards her future husband. Undoubtedly, being far from religion is the reason behind all the disasters from which we are now suffering. To guarantee marital happiness, we should return to religion. I advise young men and women to fear Allaah The Almighty and choose their life partners in accordance with Islamic rules and principles. I also advise them to abide by the orders of Allaah The Almighty and His noble Messenger,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, so as to guarantee a stable marital life that is based on affection and mercy.
Avoid Getting Swayed by Appearances
Dr. Aaminah Nusayr, dean of the Faculty of Arabic and Islamic Studies for Girls in Alexandria, sees that appearance and vanity have become the main criteria of contemporary families, even though these families know that the youth are suffering financially. She also adds that the spread of early divorce before the wedding is due to financial incapability or the unavailability of housing and furniture to the standards of the bride and her family’s demands. This is a human desire that deserves no blame as long as it does not go beyond what is reasonable. She says to these families,
Be simple at the outset, do not insist on having a spacious flat or excessively expensive furniture. We have to return to the simplicity of Islam; when a person, of whose religion and reputation we approve, proposes, the family has to assimilate the wise lesson of simplifying demands and avoiding excessiveness whether in appearance, the wedding preparations or in furnishing the house. What is more important than all these things is protecting our girls and young men and restoring tranquility and stability to families by virtue of satisfaction and contentment and avoiding excessiveness, so as not to shake the foundations of the entire society. We are in dire need to reapply the real Islamic culture with regards to the simplicity of our homes. We have to leave our youth to form themselves and achieve progress step by step. This requires, as I said, a restoration of the real Islamic culture, as well as awareness and responsibility. This also requires us to spread awareness throughout the society that excessive pretentiousness in putting together the houses of our children is an incurable disease, which we must shun before time passes and our children and their stable future are lost. Therefore, make things easy and avoid difficult demands in order to build a happy future for your children.
The Housing Crisis
Dr. Muhammad Ra'fat ‘Uthmaan, professor of Comparative Islamic Jurisprudence in the Faculty ofSharee‘ahand Law and member of the Islamic Research Academy in Al-Azhar, says that the severe housing crisis which the city society suffers from is one of the most important causes behind divorce before the consummation of the marriage. He also says: To obtain the marital house, most young men need many years. During this period, boredom sets in between the couple, which leads to contemplating breaking the marriage. Moreover, excessive intermixing between the man and the woman leads to coldness of emotions, especially on the man’s part, and this may drive him to think of separating from his wife and marrying someone else. Solving this problem lies in shortening the period of engagement, which entails that the state facilitates accommodation that is suitable for the income of the youth by encouraging investment in middle level housing for people with low incomes. The bride's family should not exaggerate in their demands with regard to furnishing the marital house. The woman’s guardian has to realize that the interest of the woman is achieved when the husband begins his marital life while he is financially at ease, not when burdened with debts.
Rights of the Divorcee
Concerning the rights of the divorcee, Dr. ‘Uthmaan says: She deserves only half of the dowry. If the husband has already paid the dowry in full, he has the right to take back half of what he paid. If the wife did not receive any dowry at all, she has the right to demand half the dowry that they agreed upon. It should be noted that the dowry includes the prompt and the deferred dowry, for Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And if you divorce them before you have touched them and you have already specified for them an obligation, then ]give[ half of what you specified - unless they forego the right or the one in whose hand is the marriage contract foregoes it. And to forego it is nearer to righteousness...{]Quran 2:237[ In this case, divorce is called minor irrevocable divorce, which means that it is not a revocable divorce in which the husband can take the wife back during her ‘Iddah)waiting period(. Divorce before consummation of marriage does not entail a woman to observe ‘Iddah. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}O You who have believed, when you marry believing women and then divorce them before you have touched them, then there is not for you any waiting period to count concerning them. So provide for them and give them a gracious release.{]Quran 33:49[

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Her Tolerance Is Not Weakness and Her Insistence Is Not Strength

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Many of our homes are locked under the effect of fire under the ashes, frozen conflicts, spiritual detachment between the spouses and a mechanical motion of life that is devoid of love, affection and tranquility.
The woman makes many concessions to keep the marital life going and the man throws the conflicts behind his back and preoccupies himself with his professional and material ambitions.
In our homes, there are patient and desperate wives, and we want these to be the homes of women who choose patience willingly and with feelings of contentment. This guarantees that they would not feel that they are being subjected to oppression that expands and turns into a bomb that could explode and destroy the house in a flash. This also guarantees that they would obtain the reward of great patience; the patience of worship and fine intention, not that of being forced and helpless.
The Family’s Welfare Comes First
Sumayyah Mustafa, a teacher, refuses the two terms of tolerance and concession together and believes that the whole thing should be governed by the family’s welfare not “my right” and “your right” but the right of the family, even if there are no children.
Dignity Not Vanity
Ihsaan Muhammad, an employee, says that preserving dignity is something that is extremely important between the spouses, but this should be done in an intelligent and polite way. For instance, if the wife’s reaction to her husband’s behavior is the same as his is to hers, he may get used to humiliating and oppressing her. The arrogance of some women is the reason for their being oppressed as the husband insists on humiliating her. Thus, even if she succeeds in her rebellion she is the loser.
Hanaa’ Rifaa‘i, an employee, says that man is like the sea and woman like a bridge, meaning, the shore or a barrier. Regardless of her education, work, or independence, she needs to make her husband feel that she is in dire need of him, especially if she is working. If she does not do this, she would make her husband indifferent to her and he would not feel her presence or absence.
No Tolerance or Concession
Su‘aad Muhammad, a supervisor in a kindergarten, says, “There should be no tolerance or concession but a third thing, which is understanding. Concession is considered as a postponement of the problems that would explode one day like a volcano. Also, the one who is always tolerant will one day get fed up because of the severe pressure.
Choice and Management
Safaa’ Husayn, a teacher, says, “I think that offering concessions by any of the two spouses is not necessarily for the benefit of the family. Also, the working woman needs, more than any other woman, organized thinking in dealing with her husband to manage her life for she is, in reality, the one who is directing the family.”
Huda Al-Wakeel, a kindergarten manager, says, “The woman’s feeling that she is oppressed, persecuted and overburdened and that she is the one who usually offers sacrifices, complicates things between her and her husband. If she could only be patient willingly, endure with love and let everything proceed naturally, she will gain the love and affection of her husband and will find him helping her. She will be held in high esteem and will represent the soundest opinion in the life of her family.
A Wide Gap
Dr. Wafaa’ Mas‘ood, a psychology professor in Helwan University, thinks that the relationship between the husband and wife should be governed by a positive attitude, interaction and intelligence. However, she thinks that the degree of the woman’s awareness, her education and her work stand as stumbling blocks in the way of this positive attitude and make it unbalanced. This is strange to a great extent. The reason behind this is that the awareness of rights has not come to effect yet as it is still written on paper only and the flow of the feminist movement in asking for laws was quicker than the movement of the society in understanding and realizing these rights; not only among men but also among women. Even if the woman becomes a faculty dean, she will still measure her success or failure in life according to her success in marriage. The educated man and the one who works and has a career still prefers a wife who is not highly educated. The percentage of divorce is still high among female university professors and this causes many of them to offer concessions as they would prefer offering concessions to being divorced or spinsters. This causes many psychological problems for the wife and these have destructive effects on the family.
Causes and Solutions
Dr. Muhammad ‘Abd Rabbuh, a sociology professor in the faculty of the Arts, Zagazig University, is inclined to support the idea of subduing personal ambition for the sake of preserving the family’s welfare. This is not restricted to one party and it relies primarily on the level and kind of values that each of the spouses has. It basically relies on the woman’s values and whether she has a predisposition to tolerance or conflict.
Dr. Muhammad criticizes the absence of field social studies regarding the realistic effect that results from the calls for women's emancipation and the idea of equality with men and the way that television deals with these issues. He believes that the way to deal with these issues increases the problems. In fact, women’s rebellion against their husbands is provocative and makes the other party readily reject the woman more than it benefits her, as in their rejection of issuing the Personal Affairs law. Because of this law, many young men abstained from marriage as they were afraid that their wives would take everything if they ever divorced. Even in the mildest of arguments, the woman would readily remind her husband that it is the wife who is legally entitled to the marital home in case of divorce.
The matter is no longer restricted to the relationship between the wife and her husband, but it went beyond this to the relation between the sister and her brothers. Now, sisters are rebellious and do not want to serve their brothers. In France, there is a Ministry for Women’s Affairs that is responsible for all women's affairs, not only for sending calls for equality and freedom but it teaches them how to ask for their rights and how to fulfill their duties. In Japan, they teach the girl at university how to respect her husband and how to look after her house. They even teach her how to arrange flowers.
Dr. Muhammad thinks that we should be objective because the woman is not oppressed all the time, but she sometimes plays a significant role in complicating her life and escalating her problems.
When we talk about rights and guarantees, we sometimes forget the human and moral rights and guarantees. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging woman’s material rights, but if moral rights are missing, all other guarantees would have no value. Unfortunately, this is something that is not clear for many people, even parents. In a field study on the issue of the marital furniture inventory, it appeared that parents insist on this more than other things that are more important like the husband’s morals and the girl’s acceptance of him.
Many marriages fail in the first few months. In spite of the continuous enlightenment about women’s rights and the laws that have been issued to ensure them, we still hear stories of women who travel abroad to work and keep sending all their savings to their husbands then find out that they used their money to marry other women. Thus, we lack a long term strategy of upbringing in order to raise and enlighten the youth. This strategy should primarily depend on religion, studies and theories. The calls for women’s rights in the Islamic world spring from the fact that many young men became unreliable and can not protect their wives and families. This is something that makes many women yearn for the feeling of security.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Raising Girls from Grandmothers to Granddaughters

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On my way home from work one day, I found male and female preparatory and secondary school students speaking with each other in an indecent, disrespectful manner. I saw with my own eyes a girl shouting the nastiest words in the face of a young man. I could not believe that it was actually a girl who was talking and that one day she would be a wife and a mother, responsible for raising the next generation.
At that point, I realized that we had been brought up on many values which will not fade over time, as we were taught to be bashful especially when speaking to men, and taught that a girl is calm by nature; otherwise she would be like a boy.
We were taught the limits of speaking with young men, and to observe the famous saying "Do not walk in the street except with your father, brother, or husband, and be polite and modest while walking with them."
I felt that these beautiful values have been lost, so I decided to search for them in three generations: a grandmother, a mother, and a granddaughter.
Indirect Observance
Mrs. Ameenah Ameen Muhammad, a grandmother from Jeddah, says that the righteous mother is a model for her children, especially daughters who are greatly influenced by their mothers. She continues to say that a wife has to obey her husband showing that in the presence of her children so that they would emulate her. The wife should not let any problems between her and her husband be shown to her children as they have critical eyes and remember such things. Witnessing such things might cause a girl to have a complex about marriage. Also, mothers have to teach their children to be honest and not to aspire for what others possess. However, this does not mean that she satisfies all their needs so that they would not have any aspirations. She should always make them feel that they have better circumstances than others. She should also make them conscious that Allaah The Almighty is watching them, and should try to make them fear His Punishment if they live lavishly or have possessions that exceed their needs.
Regarding the bringing up of her children, Ameenah says that she was always a friend to her daughters and that she adopted a gradual attitude with them concerning everything. She did not impose any view on them, especially when they were not adhering to wearing theHijaabat the beginning of their youth. At the same time, she always advised and guided them and afterwards, her daughters were convinced that not wearing theHijaabcauses the ]1[anger of Allaah The Almighty. Her advice to them was not to imitate anyone in the way they dress. She also advises mothers to be friends with their daughters. This makes them refer to their mothers before doing anything. According to her, there should be control and clear-cut management at home and that children should not be allowed to do as they please, especially the girls. Mothers should always keep an eye on their daughters and watch their conduct without them knowing so that they will not lose confidence in their mothers or in themselves.
My Eldest Daughter Taught Me
Salwa ‘Abd Al-Jawwaad, a wife and mother, says that the way her mother brought her up is not suitable to follow now with her daughter. Time and generations are now different, and the nature of each girl is different from the nature of others. The method of upbringing that was suitable for her eldest daughter was not suitable for the youngest one, as each of them has her own individual personality. She gives an example of her eldest daughter who is a secondary school student. She made her wear theHijaabwhen she was still young believing that it would make her accustomed to it when she grows up. Then, her daughter would answer anyone asking her why she put on theHijaabat such an early age by saying that she has it on just to be accustomed to wearing it. The mother thought that her daughter was convinced of wearing theHijaab. However, when she wanted to follow the same procedure with her younger daughter, the eldest daughter refused adamantly and told her not to deprive her of her childhood. At that time, the mother realized that the eldest daughter was not convinced of wearing theHijaabbecause she had been forced to wear it. Now, she is convinced after reading and understanding what she read that this means that the daughter's adherence to her mother's view does not necessarily mean that she is convinced of it. Consequently, mothers should be friends to their daughters.
Salwa recalls that when she was a teenager, she asked her mother about the meaning of love, but she did not answer her because mothers were bashful at that time. Nowadays, mothers have to know everything and answer their daughters openly without being shy, for they know everything - even things their mothers can not imagine - through school and friends.
Therefore, parents should be qualified to bring up their children. Mothers should keep abreast of all the new things around them, read widely and seek more understanding of the religion so that they can answer their daughters' questions.
Salwa advises mothers to let their daughters read books on subjects they feel shy to inform them about, such as books on rulings of purification.
Forbidden Without Discussion
Mrs. Umm ‘Ammaar, a housewife and mother of two daughters says that girls are no longer like they were in the past; they get involved in arguments and discussions and there is no blind obedience. In the past, if we wanted to go out and we were prevented by our parents, we would respect their opinion. However, now if girls are prevented from going out, they get angry and argue and persist until we approve of their request. We try to protect our girls from current danger, but they do not appreciate that. I do not deny my daughters anything unless they are convinced and I am not violent or strict with them so that they would not do what they want without my knowledge. I do not want my daughters to reach such a level.
Compelled University Student
Madeehah Ahmad is a university student who finds herself compelled to agree to the way she was raised. She says that her mother did not understand that upbringing includes both abstract and material aspects and that she only received material love from her mother. Her mother was never close to her, and that made her search for abstract love outside her home. She did not raise her to follow certain principles and there was no dialogue between them, and if she asked her mother about anything concerning girls, she would reprimand and reject her.
This created a gap between the girl and her mother, and therefore, the daughter had no real guidance in the world and she faced life on her own. She realized that her grandmother's way of raising her mother was the cause behind all that, for the grandmother was harsh with her mother and aunts, who would never speak with her. That is why her mother treated her the same way as her grandmother used to; although times have changed, her mother has not realized this.
]1[- We believe in and affirm the Attributes of Allaah that occur in the Quran and authenticHadeethsof the Prophet,sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, without distorting their wordings or meanings, nor denying, nor asking how their reality is, nor drawing resemblance between Allaah and any of His creation.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M