Marital Life, - When was the last time you raced your wife?

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:-> Yes, when was the last time you raced with your wife? You might mockingly or disapprovingly smile, yet the question remains, for it bespeaks an invitation to you to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, in his kind attitude toward his wives. If you claim to follow his,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, Sunnah, in keeping a beard, cleaning your teeth with aSiwaak)tooth stick( and shortening your clothes to reach above the ankle, you are likewise required to emulate him in the way he treated his spouses, may Allaah be pleased with them. Moreover, the leniency, mercy and patience of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, with his wives is not merely his tradition, but an obligation confirmed by many Quranic verses, among which is the one in which Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And live with them in kindness.{]Quran 4:20[ Thus, racing was a compassionate gesture of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, in order to be friendly and open with his wives. ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, narrates that as a young and thin girl, she was once accompanying the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, on one of his journeys. He,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallamasked his Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, to move ahead of them, which they did. He,sallaallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, then asked to race with her; she did and won. Some time later, after she had forgotten about this, she was with the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, on another of his journeys and he wanted to race her. She wanted to excuse herself, by telling him she could not, since she had gained some weight, but he,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, insisted. They raced and this time he won; so the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, laughed and said;“This ]is[ for that.” Some husbands contend that they do not race with their wives because they are too busy and have many responsibilities. Our retort is that by no means can they be busier than the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who bore the responsibility of conveying the Message of Islam to the entire world. He also led the army in combat alongside running errands for his family and doing household chores. Nevertheless, all this did not stop him from twice racing with his wife ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her. Other husbands might argue that the streets are not a suitable place for racing; so, they can surely take their wives away from people, on a picnic. Moreover, competition is not just in running. One can compete to win in a permissible electronic game or general knowledge quiz, in which one can ask each other questions and keep score. A third group of husbands believes that such competitions may cause their wives to become too bold and eventually challenge them. This is not true, because the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, raced with his wife, so this is an act to be followed, for copying his behavior with his wives can bring nothing but good. Also, modern research has established that being kind and easygoing with one’s wife makes it easier for her to be mindful of you. There are lessons to be learned from the aforementioned incident related by ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, concerning the Prophet’s,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, kindness toward his wives. 1-The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was the one to ask for a race both times. This teaches husbands that they should take the initiative in such competitions. Wives may be too busy with housework or fear rejection or, as is the generally innate nature of women, be too shy to propose such an idea. However, on their part, they should try to urge their husbands when they see they are free and in a good mood. 2-A husband should not incessantly brag of superiority over his wife. We notice that the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, outran ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, after she had already outstripped him the first time. 3-Alternately, a husband should neither always deliberately lose for the sake of his wife or the competition would be meaningless. The factor that decided the win of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, the first time was her youth and fitness, and when she put on some weight, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, outstripped her. 4-A husband should remember that such competitions are just for amiability and fun. Neither of the spouses should get worked up or a row could ensue and the activity would lose its desired aim. This can be understood from the reaction of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who only laughingly referred to his win to counter that of ‘Aa’ishah’s, may Allaah be pleased with her.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Women Discover the Secrets of a Happy Marriage

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:-> If you were to ask a girl who has not yet been married about the secrets of a happy marriage, she would consider it a strange question, because she is not married or because she might give a romantic dreamy answer that embodies her dreams, ideals and needs rather than reality. Hence, if we want to discover these secrets, we should ask married women who have real experience, because the answers of such women will be more credible, practical, and realistic. Their answers would be guiding signs on the way of those who have not yet married, and useful advice to wives who have not discovered these secrets and still need to reconsider their marital relationship. Compliment Your Husband Randa Ahmad, who has been married for 17 years, advises every bride-to-be saying, -To lead a happy, stable married life, you have to love your husband and understand his nature. Understanding the nature of your husband enables you to please him. Of course, this will not happen overnight; the longer you live with him, the more you will understand him. -It is very important to be humble with him and to pay him a compliment every now and then. By doing this, you will make him happy and lead a happy, stable life with him. Your Husband’s Weaknesses Saamiyah Ahmad, a housewife who has been married for 25 years, says to every girl and wife, -Know the weaknesses of your life partner; care for him, be thoughtful, and make him feel comfortable. -If your husband likes food, master the art of cooking to make the most delicious dishes. If he loves his family, be kinder to them than he is. Madeenah Raashid, a housewife who has been married for 57 years, offers the fruit of her long experience, saying: -Cherish your husband in hard times as well as in the good ones. Respect whatever he says and maintain good relations with his family, especially his mother, and you will win him easily. Say, “I love you” Muneerah Abdul-Hameed, a working wife who has been married for 30 years, says, -Dialogue, mutual understanding, love, and confidence. A husband can have his wife at his disposal just if he says to her “I love you”. This simple phrase will make her give you all her love, tenderness and care. Umm Yoosuf is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She says, -First, you have to know that the marriage is not just a honeymoon. Marriage is a heavy responsibility that a woman has to be well-prepared for. An intelligent woman understands the nature of her husband and acts according to that nature, along with sharing his ambitions and hobbies. However, this should be within the proper limits without intruding upon your husband. Adherence to Islam Ameenah At-Turki, an Indonesian woman who has been married for 15 years, says, A wife has to know her duties towards her husband as defined by the teachings of Islam and the guidance of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. She has to always remember the saying of the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam:“If I were to order anyone to prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered a woman to prostrate herself before her husband.” Widaad Al-Qaseer has been married for 15 years. She says, My mother used to tell me not to compare in order not to despair. I say the same thing to all girls: if you want to lead a happy life with your husband, you have to be content with what Allaah The Almighty has granted you. If you do this, you will realize how you are truly blessed by Allaah The Almighty. Otherwise, you will never be happy no matter how hard your husband may try to please you. Ask Your Husband Nawaal Muhammad, a Saudi housewife who has been married for 17 years, says, Obedience is the key to a man’s heart, and then truthfulness with him, as it generates confidence between you and him. Certainly, confidence is the cornerstone of a happy marriage. Take care of your beauty and ask your husband, from time to time, about what he wants from you and what you should do to please him. In this way, you will find out what makes him happy and what makes him unhappy. Jameelah Muhammad Ali is a housewife who has been married for 20 years. She advises all young women, saying, Men are all alike. All they need is delicious food, a clean, quiet house, and an obedient wife who takes care of her husband and of her beauty. This is all you have to do in order to live happily with your husband. Also, do not forget that you have to bear with him when he is angry and to support him if the going gets tough. Your In-Laws ‘Aaydah Hanafi has been married for 37years and this is what she has to say, Save your husband’s money, never disclose his secrets, not even to the closest people to you, and treat his mother just like you treat yours. ‘Aaydah’s daughter, Naahid Muhammad, a teacher who has been married for 13years, agrees with her mother. She says, A wife has to create a good image of her husband in the eyes of her family. Never verbally abuse your husband. Deal with him calmly and politely. With regard to times when there are severe disagreements, a wife has to be clever enough to win her husband’s love and respect. Aay Noor is an Algerian housewife. She has been married for 30 years. She is shedding light on being a good example and advises the family rather than the wife-to-be or the husband-to-be. She says, My advice to all mothers is to teach their daughters how to win the love of their husbands. Teach your daughter how to take you as an example through the way you deal with her father and vice versa. Never interfere with your children’s life after they are married. You should let them lead their own life and learn from their own experience. Naadyah Abdulmajeed, who has been married for 18 years, advises all wives, saying, Never belittle your husband, respect his wishes and allow him to act freely. It is wrong to try to discuss something with your husband when he is angry, or to tell him about the problems of the house and the children immediately after he returns from work. You have to choose the proper time for everything. Make him respect you, maintain your dignity with him and do not let him see your tears, except rarely, so that they would not lose their effect on him. Graduation Certificate in the Kitchen The famous American journalist, Norma Vincent Peale, Editor in Chief of Guideposts Magazine, who is a wife with three children and seven grandchildren, says that a woman who wants to be happily married has to realize that marriage is the law of life. She adds that with this spirit, a wife will succeed in her attempts to adapt according to her husband’s needs. All that concerns husbands is to see a clean, tidy house, a table full of the food they like, clean clothes whenever they want and some personal things such as the morning newspaper. She says that a skilful wife is the one who takes care of these needs so as to keep her husband’s smile. She says that some husbands like to see their wives in their full adornment and femininity, while others prefer moderate adornment. She adds that the role of the clever wife is to do what her husband expects of her. Peale maintains that a wife has to make her family the first priority in her life and to sacrifice any position or job for the sake of her husband and children. She says that she once visited a friend and saw her university certificate hung in the kitchen. When she asked her why she did this, her friend replied that the kitchen was the best place for a bachelor’s degree because it is the place where she can make use of what she has learned to master performing her duties as an ideal mother and wife.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Practical Methods of Solving Marital Problems

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:-> Both spouses should have a realistic view of marital troubles, because, if tackled correctly, they may be a factor in enhancing dialogue and understanding. Marital discord can either be solved or made further complicated, according to the way the couple chooses to deal with it. Necessary Rules It is important to remember that uttering bad words and using abusive language in the course of an argument, has an undoubtedly negative effect that lasts even after the problem is over. Furthermore, it causes emotional wounds and distress that accumulates in the heart. Conversely, remaining silent instead of discussing a problem is also a negative and temporary solution, as it later leads to unexplained sudden and violent outbursts over trivial matters. Hence, repressing feelings is the beginning of psychological complications and gives rise to impatience. Therefore, either a person should pretend to forget the problem, overlook it and voluntarily forgive the other party or the problem must be tackled. In doing the latter, the solution should address whatever troubles one’s soul and be applied with satisfaction and willingness. Both spouses should avoid any outcome that instigates feelings of victory or defeat in either one, as this only serves to deepen the rift. For example, they should avoid mockery, denial and rejection, and insistence on winning. Further, one should watch his or her speech; ‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Amr ibn, may Allaah be pleased with them, reported:“The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was never unseemly or lewd in his language; he used to say, ‘The best among you are those who have the best morals.’”]Al-Bukhaari[ ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, also relates that some Jews came to the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and said, "As-saamu 'alaika)death be on you(”. So, she says she replied:"‘Alaikum as-saamu )death be on you(; and may Allaah curse you and inflict His wrath on you."The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to her:"O 'Aa’ishah, take it easy and be moderate; beware of violence and obscene language."She asked:"Did you not hear what they said?"The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:"Well, have not you heard what I said? I responded to them ]by only saying ‘and to you’[; and my supplication against them will be accepted while theirs against me will not."]Al-Bukhaari[ That illustrates why, when ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was asked about the morals of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, she said:“The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was never rude or indecent, nor was he loud-voiced in the streets, nor did he return evil for evil, but he would forgive and pardon.”]At-Tirmithi[ Another witness to his character is Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, who said,“I served the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for ten years and he never blamed me for doing anything or questioned me about something that I did not do.”]Ahmad[ Indeed, we are warned by the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, from being“the worst person in the Sight of Allaah on the Day of Judgment”; that is“one who is avoided by people because of his evil.”]Al-Bukhaari[ Comprehending the impact of the problem on both parties There is no doubt that women, especially those who are more sensitive, become confused, unsettled and worried when they have problems with those they love and appreciate. Moreover, a relationship can be completely damaged because of it, as is the case when, for instance, one of the spouses feels superior to the other in terms of status, property, beauty or culture. Indeed, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Haughtiness is arrogant denial of the truth and contempt for people.”]Muslim[ The solution must only be decided after the issue has been carefully examined. Otherwise, a husband, for example, would say something, then change his opinion over someone’s interference or resort to quibbling even though he knows he is wrong. Steps to solve marital problems 1.There must be an attempt to discover whether the problem stems from a disagreement or a misunderstanding. Each of the spouses must express his or her version of the problem and feelings regarding it. This should be done in a direct and clear manner that eliminates any probable misunderstanding, as sometimes that is all there is to what is assumed to be a serious disagreement. 2.Every person must call his or her own self to account and realize how greatly negligent he or she is toward Allaah The Almighty. In this way, other’s infringements on his or her right would seem trivial. 3.It must be remembered that tribulations in life occur because of one’s sins and having problems with those a person loves, is considered an affliction. Muhammad ibn Seereen, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said,“I could see the effect of my sins in the behavior of my wife and also, in my animal companion.” 4.Marital discord must never be disclosed to the public and kept among those it concerns, i.e., the spouses. 5.One of the errors in resolving a problem is referring to previous mistakes of either spouse, as that only widens the scope of the conflict. The trigger of the disagreement must be defined and focused on. 6.Each of the partners should talk about the issue from his or her own point of view, without considering his or her understanding to be infallible or an uncontested fact, as that will destroy any chances to solve the problem. 7.It is better to initiate a discussion with common points of agreement along with its benefits because this softens the heart, drives the devil away, draws both viewpoints closer and encourages both parties to offer concessions; Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And do not forget graciousness between you.{]Quran 2:237[ If one of them, for instance, says to the other: “I have not forgotten your favor in such-and-such or your positive qualities. And, I can never deny whatever we see eye to eye on”; this would generate an atmosphere of willing compromise. 8.It is also imperative to not focus on one’s own rights, exaggerating them or demanding what is not due of others, especially while overlooking one’s responsibilities and duties toward others. 9.A person must also be able to admit a mistake he or she realizes has been made by him or her, without contention. Both parties should have the courage and self-esteem to do this. When either spouse has admitted to a mistake, the other must praise him or her for that and not persist in what is wrong. More importantly, this admission of guilt must not be used as leverage, but rather be counted as one of the other’s merits that should be added to his or her record of good deeds and virtues, which must be cited. 10.Some inherent female qualities, such as protectiveness, must also be handled delicately and patiently. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, even described how one of his wives once felt, by saying:“Your mother felt jealous.”]Al-Bukhaari[ We should follow the example of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who would take into account the circumstances surrounding an incident and people’s temperaments and other factors that are beyond one’s control. ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, narrates:“I have never seen a cook like Safiyyah. She sent the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, a container of food as a present; I could not contain myself and I broke it. I asked the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, about the expiation of this. He ]understandingly[ said, ‘A container for a container and food for food.’”]Abu Daawood and An-Nasaa’i[ 11.It is also of utmost importance to be satisfied with what Allaah The Almighty has bestowed on everyone. If the wife notices anything good in her husband, she has to praise Allaah The Almighty and if she finds otherwise, she must realize that faults are not particular to only him. On the other hand, the husband should know he is not alone in facing marital problems. 12.The husband should not hasten to solve a crisis in a fit of rage. He should wait until he calms down because any solution reached when angry, is usually far from being right. 13.There must be an ability in both parties to accede to forfeiting some of their demands as a problem cannot be resolved if every party insists on retaining every one of his or her rights. There must be room for adaptability to varying circumstances and conditions. 14.Each of the spouses should be calm and never reckless or hurried. They should neither display boredom or annoyance. A good atmosphere is one of composure and deliberation to have a positive overview of the problem. 15.Both spouses should be aware and know for certain that money is not the cause of happiness and that success does not result from living in palaces and having servants. True success lies in leading a tranquil life that is free from worry and greed. 16.Nothing can emphasize enough the importance of overlooking minor slips and unintentional mistakes on either part.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M