Marital Life, - A Family Without Problems

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:-> Islam has established a set of wise rules to protect the family from dispute and disunity. It has also fixed firm principles that save the family from all kinds of problems, which disrupt the happiness of both spouses and put an end to affection and tranquility between them. Moreover, Islam has prevented everything that is likely to disunite family members or prevent the family from achieving its goals. The reason why Islam pays great attention to the family is that it is the strong brick with which the edifice of the Muslim community is built, and it is also the faith-based school from where the Muslim generations graduate. Hence, the enemies of Islam are keen to destroy the family and shake its pillars in order to make it impotent to produce or raise a new generation of righteous Muslims. In doing so, they have directed their machinations towards the family through many means, the most important of which is the media. Unfortunately, the family which is targeted by the enemies is also threatened by its very own members, firstly the husband and then the wife. Out of our keenness to safeguard the Muslim family from all the problems it faces, it is important to alert the husband to some important mistakes which contribute considerably to the destruction of the family unit and sow the seeds of malice and hatred among its members. When these mistakes, as well as others, are avoided, we will have a “family without problems”, except the incidental ones which are part of human nature and which occurred in the homes of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, such as jealousy among women. When the husband and wife are fully aware of their responsibilities and duties, they are capable of solving even incidental problems like this. Similarly, we have included some recommendations for the wife that — if they are applied — are likely to make her home a tranquil nest and a safe haven where love, mercy, tranquility and affection reign. Prevention is better than cure There are certain important matters that must be considered before marriage in order to save the Muslim family from the problems which are likely to weaken it. These include: ·A good choice: A Muslim man is required to choose a righteous woman to be his wife, the mother of his children and the confidante who safeguards his secrets. The Muslim should know that neglecting to assess the character of a prospective spouse might lead to great problems and tremendous clashes in their marital life. Piety and righteousness are the most important characteristics that the Muslim man should seek in a prospective wife. It was narrated that the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:"A woman is married for four )reasons(: her wealth, noble family background, beauty, and religiousness. So, try to marry a religious woman, for otherwise your hands will cleave to dust )you lose(." Commenting on thisHadeeth)narration(, An-Nawawi, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said,"The sound interpretation of this Hadeeth is that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, mentioned what people usually do as they look for these four characteristics in women. From their point of view, however, the religious one comes at the end. So, this is advice for the one who seeks guidance to marry a religious woman." The same applies to the suitor. It is necessary to be certain that he is righteous and pious. Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves.{]Quran 24: 32[ It was narrated that the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:"If a man whose religiousness and morals you )guardians( approve of proposes to you )to marry your daughters or women under your guardianship(, then marry him; otherwise, there will be a temptation on earth and widespread corruption." Moreover, pious and righteous people should be consulted on marriage, as Faatimah bint Qays, may Allaah be pleased with her, did. It was narrated that she said,"I came to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and said, 'Abu Al-Jahm and Mu‘aawiyah proposed to me )at the same time(.' The Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:'Mu‘aawiyah is a poor man and Abu Al-Jahm never puts down his stick )beats women(.'"]Muslim[ The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, investigated the conditions of the two men and concluded that the first was poor and the second used to beat women. ·Looking at the prospective wife Many families have been destroyed during the first few months of marital life due to the lack of love and harmony between the husband and wife. Looking is the guide and leader of the heart. Therefore, the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to Al-Mugheerah, may Allaah be pleased with him, when he proposed to a woman:"Look at her for this is more likely to create affection between you."Al-Mugheerah, may Allaah be pleased with him, said,"So, I looked at her and then married her. She was the dearest of all women to me." Consequently, a man should look at the woman to whom he proposes and then ask his heart whether or not he loves her and whether or not he can love her in the future. Beware of deceiving yourself or of being too shy to speak frankly with your family about how you feel. ·Conditions are restrictions Only approve of the conditions that you are capable of fulfilling in the marital contract. Many post-marital problems occur due to the husband's violation of some conditions which he approved of at the time of concluding the marital contract but failed to fulfill after marriage. That is because his emotional surge and zeal ended and he felt the heaviness of these conditions to which he had committed himself. However, Muslims are required to abide by their pledges, and the pledges that are most worthy of being fulfilled are those by virtue of which a man makes a certain woman lawful to him. Consequently, the husband must be careful not to commit himself to conditions that he is incapable of fulfilling.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - A Recipe for Marital Bliss

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:-> Marital bliss is the precious pursuit of every family and an easily attainable goal for every one who is keen on it and pursues it. A happy family is the source of giving, security, peace of mind, and the way to success. Here we will present a useful recipe for marital bliss: First, it is the custom that a man feels jealous over his wife. Sometimes, we hear about a woman who feels extremely jealous over her husband from his mother, sisters and many other matters in which it is inappropriate to feel jealous over. Sister, there is a wise saying that states “If you want to be obeyed, then ask for what is affordable.” Second, usually make your husband feel secure and confident and let him know that you wish that you live with him and your children forever. Also, try to keep away from grudges and do not belittle what he does or buys, or belittle him, his job or education. If you do so, you will destroy all the factors of love and respect between you. Third, why do we master talking kindly with people outside our families but fail to do so with our husbands and children? We hope that a change in any aggressive way of speaking with the husband and children occurs, and that we speak calmly and logically in matters which are of benefit instead, and not repeat our words uselessly. One should avoid supplicating to Allaah against the husband and threatening him. These two ways result in nothing but further grudges and problems. Rather, one should substitute arguments with understanding and bad supplication with advice and guidance. If we try this approach we will certainly attain success, Allaah willing. Fourth, no matter how long you have been married, do not neglect your appearance or the cleanliness of your home, and especially the bedroom. In this room the person is born, brought up, married and has children. So, you should not let it look old and worn out or be the worst place in your home that has a bad odor on the bed, curtains, carpets, and so on, due to lack of ventilation. So, you should ventilate your home especially the bedrooms and be keen on maintaining the cleanliness of your home. Do not regret the time and effort spent in looking after your husband and children. You should also not get angry with their repeated faults that you might think of as ingratitude. Rather, be like the date palm-trees whenever people throw stones at them, they throw the best fruit in return. Fifth, you should conceal all your secrets. Believe me dear sister, your disclosing your marital secrets to your friends will not benefit you. On the contrary, it belittles you before them and they will not respect you. You should beware of arguing with your husband in front of the children. Avoid anger! We can get accustomed to tolerate things. I ask you also not to embarrass him or complain about him to his family. Sixth, I beseech you to erase the phrase “Divorce me!” from your dictionary. Divorce would not give you comfort especially after having children. The husband is usually prudent and does not respond to the quarreling of the wife. However, the outcome of this dispute is sowing the seeds of worry and permanent fear in the children. Dear sister, divorce is the cause of the misery of the children, the delinquency of daughters, the misery of the wife and the deterioration of the marital life. Seventh, do not ever lie to your husband and do not disobey him in any matter unless it is an act of disobedience to Allaah The Almighty. If you fear his severity, do not tell him about what happened while he is angry. Rather, when he is calm say to him “I have a confession to make but promise me not to be harsh on me in order that I may not hide anything from you in the future.” In this case, he would definitely be wise and the situation would be in your favor, Allaah willing. Hence, your children would be truthful and honest and would not fear to say the truth. You should remember that admitting the truth is a virtue. Eighth, be keen on holding a family meeting bi-weekly that the children’s father would speak in the first one and you would speak in the second. You should instruct your children in the form of a kind demand. You should urge your children to be successful in the form of aspirations such as, “We hope to see you in such and such a state.” You should avoid the bad way of reproaching, threatening, and holding them in comparison with other children. These approaches make the children feel deficient. Accordingly, these approaches will result in negative results. You should always let your husband and children hear the wordAlhamdulillaah)praise be to Allaah(, praise be to Allaah that He made us one family and granted us His great favors. You should enumerate the favors of Allaah so that they would realize them and feel content and happy. You should remind them of Allaah The Almighty and the greatness of these favors that He bestowed upon you.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - The Nearest Way to a Man’s Heart

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:-> Women are fed up with talk about the husband’s rights and would probably cry, “Are there no rights for the wives? Why do you always talk about the rights of the husband? Where are the rights of the wife?” In light of the noble verse )what means(:}The believing men and believing women are allies of one another{]Quran 9:71[, allow me, dear sisters, to advise you. I hope that women will not consider my words as a speech about the husband’s rights. Rather, they should consider it as advice from a Muslim brother to his sister. A brother who knows that his married sister frequently hears about the rights of her husband, her negligence and her duties, and who knows that she has great rights over her husband which, if she does not take in this worldly life, will take in the Hereafter where she will be in dire need of them. He also knows that she is helpless, targeted and oppressed and that she suffers from the enemies’ evil schemes to destroy her and from her husband who does not understand anything about marriage except his rights and her duties, or he does not want to understand anything other than this own side. This husband does not see her favor, let alone her rights. The wife might feel great love for her husband and be strongly attached to him, yet he divorces her while he knows how she feels. She might absolutely hate him and tell him that but he forces her to stay with him while he knows how she feels. The wife might be satisfied with what little the husband might give, but he does not give her anything at all. There are many kinds of husbands who cause men to praise Allaah The Almighty day and night that they were not the wives of any of them. May Allaah help such wives and render them patient, for their patience cannot be achieved except by the Help of Allaah. Our talk here is about a very specific point that has a great effect on the continuation of the marriage relationship as well as the family and the success of the wife. We shall talk about the case when the wife wants her husband, or at least is satisfied with him in times of agreement. Otherwise, for every session there is a different discussion. At the outset, we say that when the woman accepted the man who proposed to her to be her husband, she did not want him to be a temporary husband. She was not ready to lose him for any reason. She did not want to live with him only to test his endurance and patience, and then surprise him with something that he may or may not be able to endure. She did not want to compete with him in achieving dignity and proving who is the most honorable. She did not want him to fulfill her dreams as conveyed by the corrupters on earth who call him a “playboy.” She did not want to imprison him as they describe marriage to be a “golden cage.” She did not want the honeymoon to last for only one month and then suffer from bitterness after the honeymoon as the enemies claim. She did not want, by any means, anything that could lead them to separate. Rather, when she accepted him, she wanted him to preserve her as much as he can, and she was absolutely ready to preserve him as much as she can, regardless of what he does, except what cannot be endured, and she will be rewarded by Allaah The Almighty. Doing this is equal to all the acts of worship that men have been favored with, like pilgrimage,Jihaad, congregational prayer, attending funerals and so on. On the basis of this will and approach, we talk to our married sister out of our sympathy with her if she is divorced and out of happiness for her if she returns to her husband. Sisters, let us come to a word that is equitable between us. As for those whose will was not like what we mentioned above when she accepted marriage, our speech is not directed to her, and}For each ]religious following[ is a direction toward which it faces.{]Quran 2:148[. As for the wife whose will is to preserve her husband and her home as much as she can, let her listen, obey and then enjoy the glad tidings of the worldly life and the Hereafter through listening to what the most knowledgeable and kindest man, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who knew best her interest, said. A man does not want his wife to be his friend and partner as the corrupters propagate. Rather, he wants her to be an obedient wife. The most successful woman to win the man’s heart and to live a long life with him is not the most beautiful one, as the non-married, lustful and inexperienced people think. She is not the richest one as the poor and greedy people think. Rather, she is the one who knows that wives with their husbands are exactly like the boon companions of the king. If the husband is not a king or like a king in his home and with his wife, what do you want him to be? Do you want him to be a servant, brother or a partner as they claim? If he is not a king or like a king in his home and with his wife, should he seek to be so with his bosses or friends? If the wife is not like the boon companion of the king with her husband, what should she be? Should she be with him like the queen, giving him from herself great things or should she be like the boon companion of the king with her sisters and friends? The husband is the most entitled to her giving, the most beneficial to her, the closest one to her and the most entitled to have what he wants from her if she knows. Hence, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“If I were to order someone to prostrate to another, I would order the wife to prostrate to her husband for his great right over her.”The wife gives her husband her self, body and honor, with satisfaction and pleasure, and does not give any of these to anyone else. Therefore, how could she consider what is far less than this to be so much for him? Many beautiful wives lost their homes and husbands, while they love each other because they failed to be like the king’s boon companions, and did not make them feel so in a nice and obvious way without any indication of boredom. On the other hand, many young women who were not so beautiful or who were even quite unattractive managed to implant in her husband’s heart their love until they became their dearest beloved, and their husbands could not dispense with them. This is what some people call “the beauty of the spirit” and the details of this are very long; however, the general and main idea lies in the aforementioned description: “boon companions of the king.” This is most needed when there are signs of disagreement between the spouses. Hence, the clever and truthful wife should avoid arousing her husband’s anger and disagreeing with him. She should know that many men become angry and appeased, and that her husband is not that smart, wise, forbearing man; thus, she should calmly win him over, regardless of what she gives, and she will be greatly rewarded, Allaah willing. Then, she would make him feel ashamed of himself as Asmaa’ bint Khaarijah, may Allaah have mercy upon her, said to her daughter,“Be a maid to him ]meaning, her husband[ and, he will be a slave to you.”She should not disturb him with her frequent mistakes because he is more important to her than anything that they disagree about, and disagreement plants hatred in the hearts. By the permission of Allaah The Almighty, this is the nearest way to the heart of a man, not his stomach as they claim. However, women are overcome by their natures except those whom Allaah grants His Mercy. We supplicate Allaah to guide our sisters to preserve their husbands and homes, and grant them a good intention behind this, so that their actions would raise their degrees in Paradise. I hope that those who are bored with their husbands and about talking about their rights and the wives’ duties are not annoyed. Our purpose is to preserve the homes and families, and to lead them to the land of safety. Let the wives take the initiative, and they will reap the fruit in the worldly life and the Hereafter, Allaah willing.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M