Personalities, - Gems of Wisdom by Hazrat Data Ganj Bakshhttp://aydnajimudeen2.blogspot.com

Gems of Wisdom by Hadrat Daata Ganj Bakhsh
Abu al-Hasan 'Ali al-Hajweri Radi ALLAHu Ta'ala Anho
*.A person's nobility and elevation in status is not judged by
miracles but by chastity and purity in his dealings.
*.The deterioration of the entire nation is based on 3 things
deteriorating – When the ruler is uneducated – When an Aalim does not
practice upon his knowledge – and when the poor lose faith in ALLAH
SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala.
*.The saviour of a person is his adherence to religion and his
destruction is in his objections to it.
*.If any desires based on you own desires enters any work then the
blessings are taken away from it.
*.Knowledge is expansive while a person's life span is short,
therefore it is not compulsory to learn the many different branches of
knowledge although it is necessary to learn that much as is required
to make deeds and actions proper and correct.
*.To stay away from unmindfully wealthy, the lazy needy and the
ignorant dervishes is regarded as worship and prayer.
*.A Sufi is that person who has the Quraan in one hand and the sunnat
of the Prophet Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam in the other.
*.Fanah (lost in the remembrance of ALLAH SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala), it's
explanation is the eradication of ignorance, to obtain knowledge and
destroy desires and neglectfulness, to adopt constant remembrance of
ALLAH SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala. This quality now becomes to constant and
that's when the person is totally absorbed in ALLAH SubHanuhu wa
Ta'ala 's love as a result he becomes immortal by self destruction.
*.Acceptance are of 2 types – firstly the acceptance of the servant by
the supreme master (ALLAH SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala) and secondly the
acceptance of the master by the servant ie. His every action and every
decision is either followed or pleasurable in its prohibition. That
person sees the "Hand" of ALLAH SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala in every bounty
and he regards sorrow and happiness, life and death as the bounties of
ALLAH SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala.
*.Tasawwuf (Sufism, Mysticism) has a few levels, firstly forgiveness,
Secondly – Inclination towards ALLAH SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala, Thirdly –
abstinence from the pleasures of the World, Fourthly – Total reliance
on ALLAH SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala.
*.To worship successfully the position of manifestations and
observations is reached.
*.Oh! Dear friends, seek knowledge, learn knowledge and practice on
that knowledge.
*.A poor person is he who possesses nothing in the World nor does he
wish to possess anything nor does he show sorrow at the loss of any
Worldly possession.
*.Marriage is lawful for every man and woman. He who can support a
wife and family, then it is Sunnah for him but he who cannot safeguard
himself from Haram, it becomes Fard upon him to marry.
*.The most excellent form of Ibadah is to oppose your desires.
*.The example of the soul is similar to Shaytan and to oppose it is
the wonder of worship.

Personalities, - Hazrat Baba Farid ul-DinMasud Ganj e Shakarhttp://aydnajimudeen2.blogspot.com

Hadrat Baba Farid al-Din Mas'ud
Ganj-e-Shakar Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho
Blessed Birth
Hadrat Baba Farid al-Din Ganj-e-Shakar Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho was
born on the 29th Sha'ban in 569 A.H. [April 4, 1179 C.E.] in Khotwal,
a village near Lahore . He is the direct descendant of Hadrat Umar
Farooq Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho, the second Caliph of Islam.
Genealogy tracing back to Hadrat Umar Ibn al-Khattab
1. Hadrat Umar Bin Khattab, second Caliph
2. Hadrat Abdullah Ibn Umar
3. Nasir
4. Sulaiman
5. Adham, King of Balkh and Bukhara
6. Ibrahim Bin Adham aka Abou Ben Adham
7. Ishaq
8. Abul Fatah
9. Abdullah Waa'iz Kobra
10. Abdullah Waa'iz Soghra
11. Masood
12. Sulaiman
13. Ishaq
14. Muhammad
15. Naseeruddin
16. Farrukh Shah Kabuli, King of Afghanistan
17. Shahabuddin Kabuli
18. Muhammed
19. Yousuf
20. Ahmed, died fighting Hulaku Khan
21. Shoaib
22. Jamaluddin Sulaiman
23. Baba Fareed Gunj Shakar
Childhood
It is narrated that a miracle occurred before his birth proving his
Saintship. One day, during the pregnancy of his mother, she wanted to
pluck some plums from her neighbour's tree without his permission, but
the child in her womb (Hadrat Baba Farid) created a severe pain in her
stomach that forced her to abandon the idea of plucking. After a few
years after Hadrat Baba Farid's Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho birth, his
mother lovingly expressed: "My dear son, during your confinement I
never ate anything which was unlawful." Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu
Ta'ala Anho, however, smiled and said, "But, my dear mother, you
wanted to pluck some plums from our neighbour's tree without his
permission when I had created a severe pain in your stomach which
saved you from this unlawful act."
Hadrat Shaikh Nizamud Deen says that once while Hadrat Shaykh Faridud
Deen's mother was performing Salaat, a thief entered. When he gazed at
her, he immediately became blind. The thief cried out: "I came with
the intention of stealing and have become blind. I pledge never to
steal again."
At this time Hadrat's age was approximately 6 years. He made dua and
the man's sight was restored. In the morning he came with his entire
family and accepted Islam. He was named Abdullah. He remained in
Hadrat's service to the end.
Early Education
After he had completed his early religious education at the age of 7
in Khotwal, his mother sent him for higher education to Multan. Here
he stayed in a masjid where he learnt the Holy Qur'an by heart and
studied Hadith, Fiqh, Philosophy and Logic under the tutorship of
Mawlana Minhajuddin.
Under Spiritual Guidance of Khwaja Qutbuddin Baktiar Kaki Alaihir raHmah
During his studies, Hadrat Khwaja Qutbuddin Baktiar Kaki Radi Allahu
Ta'ala Anho of Delhi visited Multan where Hadrat Baba Farid Radi
Allahu Ta'ala Anho became his Murid (disciple) in the Chishtiyya
Silsila. Upon the instructions of his Pir-o-Murshid, he undertook a
tour of Islamic countries, for about 18 years from 593 A.H. to 611
A.H. [1196 C.E. to 1214 C.E.] he traveled to Ghazni, Baghdad Sharif,
Jerusalem, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Makkah Mukarrama and Madinah
al-Munawwarah meeting many great saints and Sufis. After the demise of
Hadrat Khwaja Qutbuddin Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho the mantle of
spiritual leadership in the Chishtiyya Silsila fell on the shoulders
of Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho when Khwaja Qutbuddin
Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho nominated him to be his Khalifa or spiritual
successor.
Baba Farid's Sufi Order
1. Hasan al-Basri
2. Abdul Waahid Bin Zaid
3. Fudhail Bin Iyadh
4. Ibrahim Bin Adham
5. Huzaifah Al-Mar'ashi
6. Abu Hubairah Basri
7. Mumshad Dinawari
8. Abu Ishaq Shami
9. Abu Ahmad Abdal
10. Abu Muhammad Bin Abi Ahmad
11. Abu Yusuf Bin Saamaan
12. Maudood Chishti
13. Shareef Zandani
14. Usman Harooni
15. Moinuddin Chishti
16. Qutbuddin Bakhtiar Kaki
17. Fariduddin Ganj Shakar
Journeys and Mujahida
It is narrated that when Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho
visited Madina Sharif he was spiritually commanded by the Holy Prophet
Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam to visit Baghdad Sharif and meet Hadrat
Abdul Wahab, son of Hadrat Ghaus-al-Azam Shaykh Abdul Qadir Jilani
Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho. He was to receive some sacred relics from
him. Accordingly, when he reached Baghdad Sharif, he received a box
from Hadrat Abdul Wahab Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho which contained the
following holy relics: Two flag-poles which were used by the Holy
Prophet Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam in some of the battles fought by
him; one wooden bowl in which the Prophet Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam
used to eat from; one pair of scissors and one turban which was used
by the holy Prophet Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam.
Because of political upheavals in Delhi, he was obliged to shift the
centre of the Chishtiyya mission from Delhi to Ajodhan now known as
"Pak Patan". The Khanqah of Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho, with
his patronage, became a great university of "moral and spiritual
training." Thousands of aspirants, scholars, dervishes and Sufis
reaped benefit from this spiritual university. Hadrat Baba Farid Radi
Allahu Ta'ala Anho reached the pinnacle of spiritual glory through
extremely hard Mujahidas (spiritual striving) to gain mastery over the
Nafs.
Why Called "Ganj Shakar"?
There are several views for him being known by his famous title of
Shakar Ganj. When he decided on mujaahidah, his Shaikh advised hunger.
He therefore began fasting. After three days a man came and presented
some bread. Thinking this to be by divine direction, he accepted and
ate the bread. Within a few moments he became nauseous and vomited out
whatever he had eaten. He reported this incident to his Shaykh who
said:
"After three days you ate the food of a drunkard. Shukr unto Allah
that the food did not remain in your stomach. Now remain hungry for
another three days and then eat what comes from the Ghaib."
After three days nothing came. He was overcome by weakness. On account
of the extreme hunger he put some pebbles into his mouth. The pebbles
turned into sugar. Fearing that this may be some deception, he spat it
out. A short while later, the extreme hunger again constrained him to
put pebbles into his mouth. These too became sugar which he again spat
out. This happened again for a third time. In the morning he reported
to his Shaykh who said:
"It would have been good if you had ate it."
Since that day he was called Shakar Ganj.
It is also narrated that once a trader was taking a caravan of camels
laden with sugar from Multan to Delhi. When he was passing through
Ajodhan, Hadrat Baba Fariduddin Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho enquired
casually as to what he was carrying on his camels. The trader
sarcastically replied, "It is salt." Hadrat Baba Fariduddin Radi
Allahu Ta'ala Anho also affirmed, "Yes, it may be salt." When the
trader reached Delhi, he was awfully perturbed to find that all his
bags of sugar had turned to salt. He immediately returned to Ajodhan
and apologized before Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho.
Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho said: "If it is sugar then
it shall be sugar." The trader returned to Delhi and was pleased to
find that the salt had turned back to sugar by the Grace of Almighty
Allah. This is how Hadrat Baba Sahib Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho received
the title of "Ganj-e- Shakar."
An staunch devotee of Prophet Muhammad Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam
He fasted throughout his life and maintained his nightly prayers and
devotions. Fear of Allah always dominated him. He was an staunch
devotee of Prophet Muhammad Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam and dedicated
his entire life to the veneration of the beloved Prophet's Sallallaho
Alaihi wa Sallam immortal glory. At the mention of the Holy Prophet's
Sallallaho Alaihi wa Sallam character he would often weep out of his
love and devotion. Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho avoided
kings, government officials and the rich. He also warned his Khalifas,
devotees and Murids to avoid their company. He was a living picture of
humility. Whatever he received was spent in the name of Allah and his
chest overwhelmed with mercy and forgiveness. Many miracles are
attributed to him during his lifetime and after his passing away.
Anecdotes of Hadrat Baba Farid
One of the devotees of Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho named
Mohammed Nishapuri lived in Gujrat and was going to Delhi with three
other companions. On their way through the jungle, robbers encountered
them. Mohammed Nishapuri and his companions had no weapons to defend
themselves. In such a helpless state, Mohammed Nishapuri remembered
his Pir, Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho, and also offered
prayers seeking Allah's help in their predicament. Surprisingly, the
robbers threw away their weapons and offered an apology to the party
and went away.
—————
One day some poor people came from Arabia to see Hadrat Baba Farid
Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho and said that they were strangers to the land
and that all their money was spent before the end of the journey.
Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho gave them some dried dates
which were lying in front of him at the moment and said, "Take them
and go. Your journey shall be completed by the Grace of Allah."
Apparently, these persons were very disappointed with such a "cheap
gift". After leaving the Khanqah, they wanted to throw away the dates,
but just as they were about to do so, to their amazement, the dates
turned into gold. Regretting their thoughts, these people left happily
uttering their heartfelt gratitude and prayers for Hadrat Baba Farid
Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho.
—————
Once seven hundred holy men were sitting together. An inquirer put
them four questions to which Baba Farid replied.
Q.1 Who is the wisest of men?
A.1 He who refrain from Sin.
Q.2 Who is the most intelligent?
A.2 He who is not disconcerted at anything.
Q.3 Who is most independent?
A.3 He who practices contentment.
Q.4 Who is the most needy?
A.4 He who practice it not.
—————
Once an old woman came to Baba Fairid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho and said
that her son had disappeared some twenty years ago and that his
whereabouts had not been traced since then. She requested him to pray
for her son's return. Baba Farid Radi Allah Anhu went into a trance
and after some contemplation told to the old woman:" Go, your son has
reached home.'' The old woman was overjoyed to learn this and met her
son on her way home.
—————
The Officer-in charge of Lahore sent Baba Fairid Radi Allahu Ta'ala
Anho one hundred Dinars through someone. The man kept fifty Dinars for
himself and offered the remaining fifty to him. Accepting the fifty
Dinars he told him: "Indeed, you have divided them equally well.'' The
man was ashamed. Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho returned the fifty
Dinars to the man too, warning him that criminal breach of trust is a
sin that render's all prayers futile and ineffective.
—————
Once, due to utter weakness, Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho
helped himself to walk with the aid of a staff. But after a few steps,
the colour of his face suddenly became purple, as if he was under
heavy pressure. He threw away the staff. When Hadrat Khwaja Nizamuddin
Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho, who was escorting him, inquired the reason
for this, Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho replied, "I wanted
to take help of the staff, but Allah's Displeasure frowned upon me for
depending on other's help instead of His. I, therefore, threw away the
staff and felt highly ashamed of this weakness in my faith in Lord,
the Almighty."
A man came to Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho once and submitted
that he had no son, and requested Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho
to pray for one. Thereupon, Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho
said that he had given him seven sons. After some years, the person
came to him again, but this time, He was not alone, but accompanied by
his seven sons.
Journey to other World
On the 5th of Muharram, during the Isha prayer while in the act of
Sajdah, he uttered "Ya Haiyyu Ya Qauyum" [O Self-Subsisting, O
Eternal] and with these words on his lips his soul disappeared into
the eternal bliss of his Lord Almighty.
An old woman that was one of the devotees of the Saint presented a
piece of cloth for the kaffan of Hadrat Baba Farid Radi Allahu Ta'ala
Anho. She implored:
"I have not spun even a single thread of this cloth without having
Wudu . I had prepared it for my own coffin but if it is accepted for
the kaffan of this great Saint, I feel confident, Allah would be
pleased with to pardon my sins and grant me salvation."
Hadrat Baba Farid's Radi Allahu Ta'ala Anho son accepted this cloth as
the Kaffan.
Mazar Sharif
His Mazar Sharif is in Pak Patan, Pakistan. Hadrat Sabir Pak, Hadrat
Nizamuddin Auliya and Hadrat Jamaluddin Hansi rehmatulla alaihim are
among his favorite Murids and Khalifas. It is generally recognized
that he had three wives and many children. Hadrat Baba Farid Radi
Allahu Ta'ala Anho was indeed one of the most brilliant stars of the
Chishtiyya Order and is held in high esteem by one and all.
My restlessness has reached such a level - I spend morning and evening
in your love.
Look upon me now with a merciful eye! Salutations to you, do now make
my heart pleased, O Faridudeen Gunj e Shakar!
Golden Words of Wisdom
by Baba Farid al-Din Mas'ud Ganj-e-Shakar Alaihir raHmah
*.Stay away from jealousy if you want tranquility in your heart.
*.The termination of self consciousness occurs with that ibaadah in
which both the head and heart bow down.
*.Only that heart can become the treasury of wisdom and intellect in
which there is no love for this World.
*.That which people regard as trouble is but only a gift from the
beloved Allah SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala, regard it as a demand made by love.
*.The completion of man occurs with 3 things – Fear, Expectation and
Love. The fear of Allah SubHanuhu wa Ta'ala stops one from sin.
Expectation keeps on steadfast on following commands and orders. Love
makes one see only the pleasing of the beloved.
*.A Dervish is that person who keeps his eyes, mouth and ears closed,
i.e. He hears, sees or speaks no evil.
*.Never forget Death under any circumstances.
*.Avoid all quarrelling & polemics.
*.Non-violence is the most beautiful ornament of Peaceful life.
——
Not every heart is capable of finding the secret of Allah's love.
There are not pearls in every sea; there is not gold in every mine.-
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Islamic Marriage Articles, - What is a Husband? - Guidelines for the Husband in Interacting with his Wife

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The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations. Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.
Etiquettes of the husband:
It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.
It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.
The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.
Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.
From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.
The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.
The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.
There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.
And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.
Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.
Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.
If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.
Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).
What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.
The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.
Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.
If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.
Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.
When entering the house, do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.
Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.
Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.
Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.
Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).
Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.
Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.
When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.
It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.
Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.
There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses. This discussion will continue in an upcoming issue, if Allaah wills.

Islamic Marriage Articles, - The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

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More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).
The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.
Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.
1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
*.whether or not the wife will work outside the home
*.will the couple wait to have children
*.which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
*.will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.
2. Who's in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper informationabout sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.
6. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
*.praying at least one prayer together
*.attending a study circle together once a week
*.deciding on a weekly menu
*.having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
*.setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
*.setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
*.setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
*.making a phone contacting during the day
*.deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents
By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.
7. Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.
8. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:
*.working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
*.developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses
Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
9. Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.
10. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.
11. Give each other space
A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.