Women site, - Practical Methods of Solving Marital Problems

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Both spouses should have a realistic view of marital troubles, because, if tackled correctly, they may be a factor in enhancing dialogue and understanding. Marital discord can either be solved or made further complicated, according to the way the couple chooses to deal with it.
Necessary Rules
It is important to remember that uttering bad words and using abusive language in the course of an argument, has an undoubtedly negative effect that lasts even after the problem is over. Furthermore, it causes emotional wounds and distress that accumulates in the heart. Conversely, remaining silent instead of discussing a problem is also a negative and temporary solution, as it later leads to unexplained sudden and violent outbursts over trivial matters. Hence, repressing feelings is the beginning of psychological complications and gives rise to impatience.
Therefore, either a person should pretend to forget the problem, overlook it and voluntarily forgive the other party or the problem must be tackled. In doing the latter, the solution should address whatever troubles one’s soul and be applied with satisfaction and willingness. Both spouses should avoid any outcome that instigates feelings of victory or defeat in either one, as this only serves to deepen the rift. For example, they should avoid mockery, denial and rejection, and insistence on winning.
Further, one should watch his or her speech; ‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Amr ibn, may Allaah be pleased with them, reported:“The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was never unseemly or lewd in his language; he used to say, ‘The best among you are those who have the best morals.’”]Al-Bukhaari[
‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, also relates that some Jews came to the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and said, "As-saamu 'alaika)death be on you(”. So, she says she replied:"‘Alaikum as-saamu )death be on you(; and may Allaah curse you and inflict His wrath on you."The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to her:"O 'Aa’ishah, take it easy and be moderate; beware of violence and obscene language."She asked:"Did you not hear what they said?"The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:"Well, have not you heard what I said? I responded to them ]by only saying ‘and to you’[; and my supplication against them will be accepted while theirs against me will not."]Al-Bukhaari[
That illustrates why, when ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was asked about the morals of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, she said:“The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was never rude or indecent, nor was he loud-voiced in the streets, nor did he return evil for evil, but he would forgive and pardon.”]At-Tirmithi[
Another witness to his character is Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, who said,“I served the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for ten years and he never blamed me for doing anything or questioned me about something that I did not do.”]Ahmad[
Indeed, we are warned by the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, from being“the worst person in the Sight of Allaah on the Day of Judgment”; that is“one who is avoided by people because of his evil.”]Al-Bukhaari[
Comprehending the impact of the problem on both parties
There is no doubt that women, especially those who are more sensitive, become confused, unsettled and worried when they have problems with those they love and appreciate.
Moreover, a relationship can be completely damaged because of it, as is the case when, for instance, one of the spouses feels superior to the other in terms of status, property, beauty or culture. Indeed, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Haughtiness is arrogant denial of the truth and contempt for people.”]Muslim[
The solution must only be decided after the issue has been carefully examined. Otherwise, a husband, for example, would say something, then change his opinion over someone’s interference or resort to quibbling even though he knows he is wrong.
Steps to solve marital problems
1.There must be an attempt to discover whether the problem stems from a disagreement or a misunderstanding. Each of the spouses must express his or her version of the problem and feelings regarding it. This should be done in a direct and clear manner that eliminates any probable misunderstanding, as sometimes that is all there is to what is assumed to be a serious disagreement.
2.Every person must call his or her own self to account and realize how greatly negligent he or she is toward Allaah The Almighty. In this way, other’s infringements on his or her right would seem trivial.
3.It must be remembered that tribulations in life occur because of one’s sins and having problems with those a person loves, is considered an affliction. Muhammad ibn Seereen, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said,“I could see the effect of my sins in the behavior of my wife and also, in my animal companion.”
4.Marital discord must never be disclosed to the public and kept among those it concerns, i.e., the spouses.
5.One of the errors in resolving a problem is referring to previous mistakes of either spouse, as that only widens the scope of the conflict. The trigger of the disagreement must be defined and focused on.
6.Each of the partners should talk about the issue from his or her own point of view, without considering his or her understanding to be infallible or an uncontested fact, as that will destroy any chances to solve the problem.
7.It is better to initiate a discussion with common points of agreement along with its benefits because this softens the heart, drives the devil away, draws both viewpoints closer and encourages both parties to offer concessions; Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And do not forget graciousness between you.{]Quran 2:237[ If one of them, for instance, says to the other: “I have not forgotten your favor in such-and-such or your positive qualities. And, I can never deny whatever we see eye to eye on”; this would generate an atmosphere of willing compromise.
8.It is also imperative to not focus on one’s own rights, exaggerating them or demanding what is not due of others, especially while overlooking one’s responsibilities and duties toward others.
9.A person must also be able to admit a mistake he or she realizes has been made by him or her, without contention. Both parties should have the courage and self-esteem to do this. When either spouse has admitted to a mistake, the other must praise him or her for that and not persist in what is wrong. More importantly, this admission of guilt must not be used as leverage, but rather be counted as one of the other’s merits that should be added to his or her record of good deeds and virtues, which must be cited.
10.Some inherent female qualities, such as protectiveness, must also be handled delicately and patiently. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, even described how one of his wives once felt, by saying:“Your mother felt jealous.”]Al-Bukhaari[ We should follow the example of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who would take into account the circumstances surrounding an incident and people’s temperaments and other factors that are beyond one’s control. ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, narrates:“I have never seen a cook like Safiyyah. She sent the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, a container of food as a present; I could not contain myself and I broke it. I asked the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, about the expiation of this. He ]understandingly[ said, ‘A container for a container and food for food.’”]Abu Daawood and An-Nasaa’i[
11.It is also of utmost importance to be satisfied with what Allaah The Almighty has bestowed on everyone. If the wife notices anything good in her husband, she has to praise Allaah The Almighty and if she finds otherwise, she must realize that faults are not particular to only him. On the other hand, the husband should know he is not alone in facing marital problems.
12.The husband should not hasten to solve a crisis in a fit of rage. He should wait until he calms down because any solution reached when angry, is usually far from being right.
13.There must be an ability in both parties to accede to forfeiting some of their demands as a problem cannot be resolved if every party insists on retaining every one of his or her rights. There must be room for adaptability to varying circumstances and conditions.
14.Each of the spouses should be calm and never reckless or hurried. They should neither display boredom or annoyance. A good atmosphere is one of composure and deliberation to have a positive overview of the problem.
15.Both spouses should be aware and know for certain that money is not the cause of happiness and that success does not result from living in palaces and having servants. True success lies in leading a tranquil life that is free from worry and greed.
16.Nothing can emphasize enough the importance of overlooking minor slips and unintentional mistakes on either part.

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PUBLISHER Najimudeen M

Women site, - A Family Without Problems

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Islam has established a set of wise rules to protect the family from dispute and disunity. It has also fixed firm principles that save the family from all kinds of problems, which disrupt the happiness of both spouses and put an end to affection and tranquility between them. Moreover, Islam has prevented everything that is likely to disunite family members or prevent the family from achieving its goals.
The reason why Islam pays great attention to the family is that it is the strong brick with which the edifice of the Muslim community is built, and it is also the faith-based school from where the Muslim generations graduate.
Hence, the enemies of Islam are keen to destroy the family and shake its pillars in order to make it impotent to produce or raise a new generation of righteous Muslims. In doing so, they have directed their machinations towards the family through many means, the most important of which is the media.
Unfortunately, the family which is targeted by the enemies is also threatened by its very own members, firstly the husband and then the wife.
Out of our keenness to safeguard the Muslim family from all the problems it faces, it is important to alert the husband to some important mistakes which contribute considerably to the destruction of the family unit and sow the seeds of malice and hatred among its members. When these mistakes, as well as others, are avoided, we will have a “family without problems”, except the incidental ones which are part of human nature and which occurred in the homes of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, such as jealousy among women. When the husband and wife are fully aware of their responsibilities and duties, they are capable of solving even incidental problems like this.
Similarly, we have included some recommendations for the wife that — if they are applied — are likely to make her home a tranquil nest and a safe haven where love, mercy, tranquility and affection reign.
Prevention is better than cure
There are certain important matters that must be considered before marriage in order to save the Muslim family from the problems which are likely to weaken it. These include:
·A good choice:
A Muslim man is required to choose a righteous woman to be his wife, the mother of his children and the confidante who safeguards his secrets. The Muslim should know that neglecting to assess the character of a prospective spouse might lead to great problems and tremendous clashes in their marital life.
Piety and righteousness are the most important characteristics that the Muslim man should seek in a prospective wife. It was narrated that the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:"A woman is married for four )reasons(: her wealth, noble family background, beauty, and religiousness. So, try to marry a religious woman, for otherwise your hands will cleave to dust )you lose(."
Commenting on thisHadeeth)narration(, An-Nawawi, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said,"The sound interpretation of this Hadeeth is that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, mentioned what people usually do as they look for these four characteristics in women. From their point of view, however, the religious one comes at the end. So, this is advice for the one who seeks guidance to marry a religious woman."
The same applies to the suitor. It is necessary to be certain that he is righteous and pious. Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves.{]Quran 24: 32[
It was narrated that the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:"If a man whose religiousness and morals you )guardians( approve of proposes to you )to marry your daughters or women under your guardianship(, then marry him; otherwise, there will be a temptation on earth and widespread corruption."
Moreover, pious and righteous people should be consulted on marriage, as Faatimah bint Qays, may Allaah be pleased with her, did. It was narrated that she said,"I came to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and said, 'Abu Al-Jahm and Mu‘aawiyah proposed to me )at the same time(.' The Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:'Mu‘aawiyah is a poor man and Abu Al-Jahm never puts down his stick )beats women(.'"]Muslim[
The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, investigated the conditions of the two men and concluded that the first was poor and the second used to beat women.
·Looking at the prospective wife
Many families have been destroyed during the first few months of marital life due to the lack of love and harmony between the husband and wife. Looking is the guide and leader of the heart. Therefore, the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to Al-Mugheerah, may Allaah be pleased with him, when he proposed to a woman:"Look at her for this is more likely to create affection between you."Al-Mugheerah, may Allaah be pleased with him, said,"So, I looked at her and then married her. She was the dearest of all women to me."
Consequently, a man should look at the woman to whom he proposes and then ask his heart whether or not he loves her and whether or not he can love her in the future. Beware of deceiving yourself or of being too shy to speak frankly with your family about how you feel.
·Conditions are restrictions
Only approve of the conditions that you are capable of fulfilling in the marital contract. Many post-marital problems occur due to the husband's violation of some conditions which he approved of at the time of concluding the marital contract but failed to fulfill after marriage. That is because his emotional surge and zeal ended and he felt the heaviness of these conditions to which he had committed himself. However, Muslims are required to abide by their pledges, and the pledges that are most worthy of being fulfilled are those by virtue of which a man makes a certain woman lawful to him.
Consequently, the husband must be careful not to commit himself to conditions that he is incapable of fulfilling.

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PUBLISHER Najimudeen M

Dought & clear, - How can a person whoaccused another of zina avert the hadd punishment from himself?

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If one person accuses another of zina, and wants to repent, how can he avert the hadd punishment from himself?
Praise be to Allah
The hadd punishment for making an accusation of zina is eighty lashes, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And those who accuse chaste women, and produce not four witnesses, flog them with eighty stripes”
[an-Noor 24:4].
If one man accuses another of zina, and the accused person is chaste (i.e., innocent), the hadd punishment must be carried out on the one who made the accusation.
The hadd punishment for making an accusation of zina may be waived in a number of cases:
1.
If he produces four witnesses who testify that the accused man did commit zina, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And those who accuse chaste women, and produce not four witnesses, flog them with eighty stripes”
[an-Noor 24:4].
2.
If the accused admits that he did commit zina. This is according to scholarly consensus. Seeal-Mughni, 12/386.
3.
If the accuser is the husband and has accused his wife of zina, he may have avert the hadd punishment from himself by engaging in li‘aan, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And for those who accuse their wives, but have no witnesses except themselves, let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies (i.e. testifies four times) by Allah that he is one of those who speak the truth.
And the fifth (testimony) (should be) the invoking of the Curse of Allah on him if he be of those who tell a lie (against her).”
[an-Noor 24:6-7].
When Hilaal ibn Umayyah accused his wife of zina, the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) made them engage in li‘aan, and did not carry out the hadd punishment on Hilaal for making an accusation of zina. Narrated by Muslim, 1496
4.
If the accused agrees to pardon the accuser and does not demand that the hadd punishment be carried out on him. This has been discussed previously in the answer to question no. 112116.
Based on that, if a man accuses another man of zina and is lying, he has no way of averting the hadd punishment from himself except by apologising to the one whom he accused, and asking him to forgive him. If he forgives him, then praise be to Allah, but if he wants to demand his right of having the hadd punishment carried out, then he has the right to do that.
And Allah knows best.

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PUBLISHER Najimudeen M