Women site, - The Wife of Two Martyrs: Umm Hakeem

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On the day of the Battle of Uhud, she was fighting against Islam and Muslims; and on the day of the Battle of Yarmook, she was fighting against disbelief and disbelievers. Umm Hakeem, may Allaah be pleased with her, embraced Islam on the day of the Conquest of Makkah, but her husband, ‘Ikrimah ibn Abi Jahl, did not; he fled Makkah to Yemen after he heard that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, had made his death lawful.
Umm Hakeem, may Allaah be pleased with her, went early in the morning to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and asked him to grant amnesty to her husband, and, sympathizing with her, he permitted her to catch up with him and give him the glad tidings of pardon. She set out in his pursuit and caught up with him at the coast of Tihaamah when he was about to sail to Yemen.
She shed tears and said to him,
"O son of my paternal uncle! I have come )with good news( from the best of the people, and the keenest to maintain good relations with people. Do not ruin yourself after I have sought safety from the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for you, and he granted you safety." He said, "Have you really done so?" She said, "Yes, I talked to him about you and he granted you safety."
'Ikrimah, may Allaah be pleased with him, returned with her and they went to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and when they reached the gate of the mosque, she quickened her pace and entered and sought permission from the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and when he admitted them, ‘Ikrimah, may Allaah be pleased with him, proceeded and gave the pledge of allegiance to the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for Islam and Jihaad )struggle(.
She is Umm Hakeem bint Al-Haarith, may Allaah be pleased with her, a woman who showed incomparable loyalty to her husband. She was keen on his best interests. She fully understood her husband’s character and used her good offices with the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, to seek safety for him, and the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, granted him safety.
In this way, she caused her husband to embrace Islam and be steadfast in his faith and fight in the way of Allaah The Almighty until he was endowed with martyrdom in the Battle of Ajnaadeen.
After him, Umm Hakeem, may Allaah be pleased with her, married the glorious Companion, Khaalid ibn Sa‘eed ibn Al-‘Aas, may Allaah be pleased with him. Before he consummated his marriage with her, the caller for Jihaad made a public announcement to the Muslims to prepare to fight the Romans. But, Khaalid, may Allaah be pleased with him, foresaw that he would be killed in the battle on the coming day; and the believer's foresight could hardly err, for he sees with the light of Allaah The Almighty.
He expressed to her his wish to consummate their marriage, and she said to him, "Will you not postpone it until those )the Romans( gathering are defeated?" He said, "I think I will be killed ]in battle[." She said, "Then, you may do so." He then consummated marriage with her near the bridge later known as the Bridge of Umm Hakeem, and in the morning, a wedding banquet was prepared for them. They had barely started their food before the Romans attacked, and fighting broke out and Khaalid, may Allaah be pleased with him, was killed in the battle before her eyes.
On seeing her husband dead, Umm Hakeem, may Allaah be pleased with her, put on her garment and proceeded to fight in support of the cause of Allaah The Almighty and to avenge the deaths of her husbands, ‘Ikrimah and Khaalid, may Allaah be pleased with them, and all the Muslims who were killed. She was able to kill seven Romans, with the pillar of the tent in which Khaalid, may Allaah be pleased with him, consummated their marriage. Even after that, she continued her struggle in serving Islam and deserves to have her life recorded in history books with letters of light. May Allaah be pleased with her, and please her.

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Women site, - When a Monitor and Mouse Steal Your Child Away…

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It was a happy family.
The mother was content, the father reassured, and the child used to play with his parents, sometimes with building blocks, and at other times with the ball. The family had frequent outings… to the club, to visit his paternal or maternal cousins, the funfair, the beach, and so on. Both parents gave special care to provide suitable entertainment for the child, since recreation rejuvenates and refreshes one's life. This was also practiced by the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and his honorable Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them. The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to race ‘Aa'ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, play with Al-Hasan and Al-Husayn, may Allaah be pleased with them, who were still very young, and address them saying:"How excellent your camel is, and what an excellent load you are!"
Suddenly, this happy home was intruded upon by a dreadful device: the computer. The young child heard about it and saw it in the house of one of his friends. He pleaded with his parents until they agreed, gladly, and out of their love for the child, to buy the new device. At first, the parents thought it was just like any other device, as the child would use it for an hour or two then continue his normal life, sit with his parents, play with his friends, and do assignments for his school. However, the reality was far beyond the expectations of the naive parents.
They soon discover that the child’s life revolves around the computer: it is the first thing he uses when he wakes up, and the last thing he uses before he sleeps. The computer becomes the source of his sorrows and joy. In brief, this device, the computer, is his main concern and attracts all his attention. His relationship with his parents weakens: he no longer greets them as he used to do. On the contrary, this device causes him to be undutiful to them. The computer makes him decide who are his "enemies" – if anyone wants to take away his computer, the child would surely raise the weapon of anger, displeasure, annoyance and obstinacy.
The device takes most of the child's time: he no longer goes to his cousins as he used to do unless they have a computer, because of which disputes and quarrels might break out between him and them. His relationship with his friends has weakened, and he no longer distinguishes his enemies from his friends. He is confused about all basic standards and concepts about life, thinking to himself,"The computer is my only friend."
Dear caregiver,
Our religion of Islam is the religion of temperance and moderation, in which there is no extremism or deviation from the Prophetic guidance of Muhammad,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And thus We have made you a just community.{]Quran 2:143[
Dear caregiver, by no means can we deny the importance of this device, and its necessity for the modern Muslim who likes to keep pace with the world around him. This is praiseworthy if it stems from the desire to appear as a strong Muslim, in order to complete the ideal image in which every Muslim person should appear -- I mean the image indicated by the daughter of the righteous Prophet, Shu‘ayb, may Allaah exalt his mention, in her saying as the Quran tells us )that means(:}"O my father, hire him. Indeed, the best one you can hire is the strong and the trustworthy."{]Quran 28:26[
The ability to use the computer is one of the modern criteria of strength and skill, but the misuse of this device destroys the social structure of the family, and consequently the community. It is not a pick-axe used in construction in so much as a mattock used in destruction.
This is confirmed by almost all psychiatrists and parents.
A study conducted in Cologne University says that excessive use of computer games might affect social relations in real life, and force one to leave jobs and duties unattended -- like school assignments as far as the children are concerned.
According to many psychiatrists, the time a child spends at the computer reduces the time he spends with his friends in playing sports, which may lead to overweight and obesity in the long term. He should spend that time reading, doing any activity with his parents, or playing in a sports club.
Furthermore, spending a lot of time with the computer may result in social problems in a child like shyness or introversion. If your child sits at the computer throughout the day and does not go out as often as he should, he will not be able to learn how to take part in social activities, take turns at a game, or even learn the simplest social etiquette.
According to Eemaan Ash-Shawbaki, psychologist and counselor, in the Jordanian Ministry of Health,"The children's prolonged use of the computer dissociates them from their families and communities, and turns them into children more inclined to seclusion and non-participation in playing with others and talking to them."
She added,"One of the consequential psychological risks is the fear of getting to a point at which it becomes too difficult to achieve understanding between the family and the child, because of the cessation of conversation for long hours, especially when the child is approaching the age of adolescence, which requires regular contact and dialogue to get acquainted with the child's feelings, inclinations and attitude, and to evaluate his behavior."
On the other hand, spending too much time playing computer games inevitably leads to addiction. Dear caregiver, imagine that this addiction resembles alcoholism.
A study by a research group specialized in addiction in Berlin revealed that addiction to computer games is no less dangerous than alcoholism. According to the study, an addict is the one who has at least three of the six standards of measuring addiction determined by the World Health Organization. Those six standards are:
1-Incapability of curbing a desire for something
2-Loss of control over the time of using or playing
3-Overdosing
4-Symptoms of sense of deprivation
5-Negligence of other concerns and obligations
6-Not giving up the behavior of addicts regardless of their harmful consequences.
The study found an amazing similarity between the behavior of alcoholics and computer game addicts. A comparison between both parties revealed that the addict's brain acts in the same way, whether the addiction is caused by dependence on external substances or internal devotion to a particular activity.
Dear caregiver, your child needs to deal with others, whether they are children like him, adults or even household pets, in order to have life experiences instead of being with the computer all the time.
Having learnt the medical opinion about that problem, you may wonder: What is the solution? How should we rescue our dear children from being secluded from their Muslim community, or from being distanced from society?
How to solve the problem
1-Parents have to fix a certain number of hours for their children to use the computer.
2-The child may use the computer more often due to a social problem, in which case, it becomes incumbent upon the educator to trace its roots in order to solve it.
3-It is not enough to determine a number of hours: but it is necessary not to give the child the opportunity to use the computer for long periods of time as far as possible, by prompting him to go to the club to play sports and so on.
4-It is necessary to increase the activities the child has so that his personality would become multi-faceted rather than restricted to the computer.
These activities should vary as follows:
-complete school assignments
-go to theMasjidregularly to memorize the Quran;
-go to the club to play some sport;
-visit relatives and friends;
-set out on outings and picnics with his family
5-It is necessary for the child to know that even if the function of computer is no more than idle play, it surely steals time from his life.
6-Traditional games give the child a sociable character, because most of these games are played by more than one child, which habituates the child to get involved in direct competition with his fellows, unlike electronic games which habituate the child to solitude and introversion. Thus, we have to urge our children to play and take part in outdoor games.

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Dought & clear, - Her family do not want to arrange a marriage for her and she is thinking of an ‘urfi marriagewith no wali (guardian).

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I am a 31 years old girl. I do not work and I am of a weak financial status. About one month ago, I knew a man “innocently” through the internet. He offered to marry me as he does not see the point of a man knowing a woman without marriage. I talked to my mother and she refused saying that he is of a higher social status than ours, which may make him and his family look down at us. I have discussed the matter of marriage with her many times but she says: “why do you want to marry? You are staying honorably in your family’s home!” so I told that man that we cannot marry, and the matter was finished.
I knew some man through a matrimonial website few months ago. He is married, my mother refused him because he is married, but I do not mind. She said also that he is from a different tribe to ours.
We have difficult financial status, and many family problems. I am tired of all this. I fear Allah, but I did things, more than one time, that I wouldn’t like to mention.
Sheikh: I do not want to commit a sin, but the only solution is to marry this last man who I knew through the matrimonial website. He is ready for marriage and we agreed to this, Alhamdulillah. My question is: I want to marry him without telling my family. Secret marriage but with all conditions fulfilled; witnesses, contract, dowry and everything except the wali. As my father is of a weak personality, and the last word is always for my mother.
Also the witnesses will be two women friends of mine. Is it permissible to marry this way? Knowing that our marriage will not remain secret, just for little while so that I protect myself from the haram. Until the suitable time for telling my family comes.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
Marriage without a wali is not valid, because the Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a wali (guardian).” Narrated by Abu Dawood (2085), al-Tirmidhi (1101) and Ibn Majaah (1881) from Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Tirmidhi.
And he(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood 92083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Jaami’(2709).
Secondly:
If the guardian refuses to marry his daughter (or female relative under his care) to a compatible man with whom she is pleased, then he is regarded as preventing her from marriage, and guardianship passes to the next closest male relative, then to the qaadi (judge).
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
What is meant by preventing marriage is not allowing a woman to marry one who is compatible with her, if she agrees to that and if each one wants to marry the other. Al-Ma’qil ibn Yasaar said: A sister of mine married a man, then he divorced her. When her ‘iddah was over he came and proposed marriage to her (again), and I said to him: “She married you, was intimate with you and honoured you, then you divorced her, and now you come to propose marriage again! No, by Allaah, she will never go back to you.” He was a man with whom there was nothing wrong, and she wanted to go back to him. Then Allaah revealed these words (interpretation of the meaning):
“do not prevent them from marrying”
[al-Baqarah 2:232]
I said: Now I will do it, O Messenger of Allaah. He said: So he married her to him. Narrated by al-Bukhaari.
This applies whether she asks to be married with a mahr (dowry) like that of her peers or less. This was stated by al-Shaafa’i, Abu Yoosuf and Muhammad.
So if she wants to marry a specific person who is compatible, and he wants to marry her to someone else who is also compatible, and refuses to marry her to the one she wants, then he is preventing her marriage.
But if she asks to marry someone who is not compatible, then he has the right to prevent her from doing that, and he is not (willfully) preventing her in that case.
Al-Mugni(9/383).
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If the guardian refuses to arrange the marriage of a woman to a suitor who is compatible in terms of his religious commitment and good character, then guardianship passes to the next closest male relative on the father’s side, then the next closest. If they refuse to arrange her marriage, as usually happens, then guardianship passes to the shar’i judge, and the shar’i judge should arrange the woman’s marriage. If such a case comes to him and he knows that the woman’s guardians refused to arrange her marriage, then he is obliged to arrange her marriage, because he has general guardianship so long as family guardianship was not achieved.
The fuqaha’ (may Allaah have mercy on them) mentioned that if the guardian repeatedly refuses compatible suitors, then he becomes a faasiq (evildoer) as a result; he is no longer regarded as being of good character and his guardianship is waived. According to the well known view of Imam Ahmad, he is no longer qualified to lead prayers, and it is not valid for him to lead a group of Muslims in prayer. This is a serious matter.
As we have referred to above, some people reject the suitors who come to propose marriage to the women over whom Allaah has given them guardianship, even though they are compatible, but the girl may be too shy to go to the qaadi (judge) to ask him to arrange her marriage. This is something that really happens. But the woman should weigh up the pros and cons, and see which is worse: staying without a husband and letting this guardian who fools about and is careless control her life, then when she grows old and has no desire for marriage, he marries her off, or approaching the qaadi with a request to arrange her marriage, which is her shar’i right.
Undoubtedly the second alternative is preferable, which is going to the qaadi and asking him to arrange her marriage, because she is entitled to that, and because going to the qaadi and having the qaadi arrange her marriage is in the interests of other women as well, because other women will come as she has come, and because her coming to the qaadi is a rebuke to those wrongdoers who do wrong to the women whom Allaah has placed under their guardianship by refusing to marry them to compatible suitors. So this serves three interests:
- The woman’s own interests, so that she will not be left without a husband
- The interests of others, as it will open the door for other women who are waiting for someone to set a precedent for them to follow
- Preventing these unjust guardians who are controlling the lives of their daughters and other women whom Allaah has placed under their guardianship, on the basis of their whims and wishes.
It also serves the purpose of establishing the command of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be tribulation in the land and a great deal of corruption.”
And it also serves a specific interest, which is making it easy for those men who propose marriage to women, whose are compatible in terms of religious commitment and character.
End quote fromFataawa Islamiyyah(3/148).
Secondly:
You should seek the help of people who can advise your father and mother, and urge them to arrange your marriage, and warn them against the sin of preventing you from marrying and of mistreating you.
The one who wants to propose marriage to you should approach your wali, and if he refuses for no apparent reason, then refer your case to the qaadi so that he may take charge of arranging your marriage. You do not have the right to arrange your own marriage, especially the ‘urfi marriage in which there is no protection for your rights; how easy it is for the husband to forsake his wife in such cases and to deny her and not acknowledge any rights for her. There are many well known stories of such cases, which should be taken as a lesson.
Thirdly:
You should beware of forming any relationship with men via the internet or otherwise. You should note that that which is with Allaah cannot be attained except by obeying Him, and that disobedience or sin is the cause of being deprived of provision and goodness.
See the answers to questions no. 34841, 26890and 23349.
We ask Allaah to guide your parents and to make things easy for you, and to bless you with a righteous husband and righteous offspring.
And Allaah knows best.

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