Women site, - My Child's Mistakes - II

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In this article, we will complete the guidelines of behavioral change to be followed so that we can make a real change in the behavior of our children, and convince them to help us make that change.
5- Listen to him attentively.
In order for the adolescent to tell you about what is in his/her mind, you have to listen to him/her well to the end. By so doing, you would be able to make an accurate assessment of the situation, on the basis of which you would suitably direct him/her to the right course of action. You should note that Allaah The Almighty has created two ears and one mouth for you so you can listen twice as much as you talk.
The skill of listening should be learnt, and there are ways to express to the adolescent that he is being listened to well, including:
1- To look attentively but not staring in the face of the adolescent.
2- To show understanding of what he is saying, by nodding the head and employing simple facial expressions showing the emotions, positively or negatively.
3- To reduce any factors that may interrupt the talk, such as to look at or engage oneself with something else other than the adolescent, or getting up to do something and then returning to him, or any similar action.
Here, the correct understanding of the meaning of the words the child or adolescent should be accurately verified, by raising the following questions which imply attention on the one hand, and confirm the correct understanding on the other hand:
1- Give me an example to illustrate what you want to say.
2- How do you feel about this situation? What would you like to do?
3- What is the significance of this word/movement/behavior?
4- How important is this incident?
5- Do you have anything else to say?
6- Give him freedom of choice
If you want to get a good outcome from the dialogue, let your child actually share it with you.
Why do you not give him an opportunity to share his opinion even in the manner in which he will be punished for his mistake and negligence?
Areas of choice:
A - The way of solving the problem
B - The amount, kind and duration of punishment
C - The amount and kind of reward, and how it is obtained
D - How to implement your command.
Beware of humiliating the adolescent, or dashing his hopes and ambitions on the rock of reality. Give the adolescent an opportunity to dream and try to realize his dream. Help him move forward, and do not frustrate him. Beware of accusing him of stupidity and lack of understanding.
To the parents who are "specialized" in ruining hopes and ambitions I say: Lift your hands from your children. If you do not support them in their hopes, at least, do not help the devil in ruining them and destroying their ambitions and dreams.
7- Reward for achievement and punishment for negligence
What is intended here is to teach the adolescent that there is no action without a corresponding reaction: if he does well, he will be rewarded; and if he does badly, he will be punished.
Rewarding is to give the adolescent what he likes and wishes for in a way that is equal to the work he has done. Similarly, the forms of punishment should be determined, such as to forbid him from something he likes, punish him with a verbal reproach or corporal punishment within the due limits of the Sharee‘ah )Islamic legislation(, look at him )with a disapproving look(, deprive him of some rights especially those promised to be given to him as a reward for achievement.
8- The door is open so come to us )at any time you like(
Since the gate of repentance will remain open until the sun rises from its place of setting, then, why should we close the gate of atonement in the face of our children? Why do we reject their repeated attempts at reform, but instead hasten to have them lose all hope?
9- Supplication
You should keep in mind that your invocation )of evil( upon your child is responded to by Allaah The Almighty, as stated in the Prophetic Hadeeth )narration(. What, then, would the case be if it is a supplication of good for him? Thus, do not let this opportunity escape you, but stick to it and persevere instead.
You should have a good assumption of your Lord that He will respond to you )as confirmed by Him in His Saying what means(: }And your Lord Says: "Call upon Me; I will respond to you."{ ]Quran 40:60[
10- A compassionate paternal touch along with a motivating word
To touch the hair of the head and the face, to kiss, to embrace the child, and say to him such words as “I want to understand you”, “I am proud of you”, “I am here whenever you need me”, “I love you”: and other such words motivate children to strive their utmost, even though they cost you nothing.
Points to Remember:
The girl: If a girl does not find the love of her father, she will search for it in a different place, and will accept anything, since she cannot distinguish good from bad.
The boy: If the boy does not find sound love in the surroundings of his family and environment, he will search for it outside; and the consequence of that is that he will resort to abnormal ways of expressing it, through his love for his companions, whether they are good or bad, or through illegitimate relationships.
May Allaah The Almighty protect the youth of our Ummah )nation( from all evil.

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Women site, - Conferring Blessings upon the Prophet

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Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}Indeed, Allaah confers blessing upon the Prophet, and His angels ]ask Him to do so[. O you who have believed, ask ]Allaah to confer[ blessing upon him and ask ]Allaah to grant him[ peace.{]Quran 33:56[.
Ibn Katheer, may Allaah have mercy upon him, commented that, in this verse, Allaah The Almighty informs His servants of the elevated status of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, which is such that He praises him in the exalted assembly of the angels who are near Him, and they, in turn, ask Him to send His blessings on him, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. Then, Allaah The Almighty orders the people of the earth to ask Him to confer blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, so that he would be praised by the dwellers of both worlds – heavenly and terrestrial.
In his book Jalaa’ Al-Afhaam, Ibn Ul-Qayyim, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said that the implication here, is that if Allaah The Almighty sends blessings on the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and His angels request the same from Him, then so should people. They are more duty-bound to do this, because they are the ones who have been blessed by the message of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, through which they shall receive honor in this worldly life and the Hereafter.
The meaning of “]conferring[ blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam”, was expanded on, by a number of scholars; according to Abu Al-‘Aaaliyah, may Allaah have mercy upon him, Allaah The Almighty conferring blessings, refers to Him praising the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, in the presence of angels, whereas angels conferring blessings means that they supplicate Allaah The Almighty to do so.
Ibn Ul-Qayyim, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said that the injunction to send blessings, which is cited in the verse above, signifies imploring Allaah The Almighty to praise the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, show him His grace and draw him closer to Him, which, in itself, indicates the honor he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, has with Him.
As for the virtues of this act, ‘Abdul-Rahmaan ibn ‘Awf, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrates: “Once, I came to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, while he was in prostration for a long time. ]When he got up[, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:‘Jibreel )Gabriel(, may Allaah exalt his mention, came to me and said, ‘I will confer blessing upon the one who confers blessings upon you and I will ask Allaah to grant peace to the one who asks Him to grant you peace’; so, I prostrated to thank Allaah The Almighty.’”]Ahmad[
It was also reported by Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“If a person asks Allaah to send blessings on me once, Allaah will send blessings on him ten times over.”]Al-Haakim and Ahmad[
Likewise, Ya‘qoob ibn Zayd ibn Talhah At-Taymi, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrates that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said that“a messenger from Allaah came to me and said ]the same thing cited above[.”So, a man came to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, may I devote half of my supplications to you?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“As you like!”Then, the man asked: “Shall I devote two thirds of my supplications to you?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:“If you so desire.”The man then asked: “Shall I devote all of my supplications to you?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Then Allaah The Almighty will protect you against the distress of the worldly life and the Hereafter.”]Muslim[
‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Amr, may Allaah be pleased with him, also narrates that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, gave good tidings, saying:“The one who invokes blessing on me or asks that I be given Al-Waseelah )a rank in Paradise which is fitting for only one of the Servants of Allaah, and the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, wishes to be this servant( will be assured of my intercession.”]Muslim[
On the other hand, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, as narrated by Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him:“May he be a loser; he who does not ask Allaah to confer blessings on me when I am mentioned in front of him! May he be disgraced, whose parents attain old age in his lifetime and they are not a cause for him to enter Paradise ]because of his dutifulness to them[! May his nose be rubbed in dust ]i.e., may he be humiliated[; he who witnesses Ramadan, but it ends before he is forgiven!”]At-Tirmithi[
Muhammad ibn ‘Ali, may Allaah have mercy upon him, also reports that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, once made a similar remark, when he said:“A person in whose presence my name is mentioned, but he ]or she[ does not ask for the blessings of Allaah to be sent on me, loses the way to Paradise.”]Al-Jahdhami, Mursal – Albaani[
In fact, as Al-Hasan, may Allaah have mercy upon him, relates, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, described a man as“miserly; in whose presence my name is mentioned while he does not pray for blessings to be sent on me!”]Al-Haakim and At-Tirmithi. At-Tirmithi: )Hasan Ghareeb Saheeh(, Al-Albaani: )Mursal yet Saheeh([
He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, cautions, as Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrates:“If people sit in a gathering in which they do not remember Allaah or ask for blessings to be conferred upon me, ]that sitting of theirs[ will be a cause of grief and regret for them o¬n the Day of Judgment. Allaah may then forgive or punish them, as He sees fit.”]At-Tirmithi, Saheeh – Albaani[
Why not, when this act itself is so easy? ‘Ali ibn Al-Husayn, may Allaah have mercy upon him, relates: “My father told me that my grandfather said, ‘The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:‘Do not ]come to and[ make my grave a place of festivity; but ask Allaah to confer blessings and peace upon me, for your prayers and salutations reach me wherever you may be.’’”]Abu Daawood and Ahmad[
Similarly, ‘Abdullaah ibn Mas‘ood, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Allaah The Almighty has roaming angels who convey to me the blessings which my Ummah ask Allaah The Almighty to confer upon me.”]An-Nasaa’i and Al-Haakim, Saheeh – Albaani[
The best supplication with which to ask Allaah The Almighty to confer blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam
Abu Mas‘ood Al-Ansaari, may Allaah be pleased with him, tells us: “We were sitting in the company of Sa‘d ibn ‘Ubaadah, may Allaah be pleased with him, when the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, came to us. Bishr ibn Sa’d asked: ‘Allaah has commanded us to ask for blessings to be sent upon you, O Messenger of Allaah. But, how exactly should we do that?’ The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, did not respond, and we became so perturbed over his silence that we wished we had not asked him. Then, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:‘Say: O Allaah, confer Your blessings upon Muhammad and the members of his household as you have conferred blessings upon the members of Ibraaheem's )Abraham( household. Grant favors to Muhammad and his family, as you have granted favors to the family of Ibraaheem, ]wherever they are[ in the worlds. Indeed, You are Praiseworthy and Glorious’. As for the invocation for the salutation of peace, it is as you know ]from what I have previously told you[.”]Muslim[
Benefits of invoking Allaah The Almighty to send blessings on the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam
1. It demonstrates obedience to the Command of Allaah The Almighty and it is an angelic trait, as they, too, ask Him to confer blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.
2. A person gains blessings tenfold, for every time he or she invokes blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.
3. If a person does this, perhaps adding a prayer for the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, to reach the station of Al-Waseelah, he or she gains his, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, intercession.
4. It removes the distress of a person in this life and the next, as the aforementioned Hadeeth narrated by Ya’qoob ibn Zayd ibn Talhah, may Allaah be pleased with him, proves.
5. A person who observes the practice of sending peace and blessings on the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is guided by it to Paradise, and one who does not, is led away from it.
6. Allaah The Almighty praises and mentions a person in good terms, if he or she asks Him to confer blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, which is tantamount to invoking Him to praise the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and honor and bless him and his household. Since such an invocation is certain to be answered by Allaah The Almighty, the one who supplicated will be also rewarded in kind for his act, as the reward is of the same kind as the deed.
7. It encourages a person to love the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, perpetually and increasingly; and, as it is a basic tenet of faith, there can be no faith without it. Furthermore, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, loves a person whose name is cited to him, as asking for blessings to be sent on him, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. Truly, what a great honor it is for a person’s name to be mentioned before the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.
When to invoke blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam
1. It is vital that this be done after the Tashahhud )final sitting( in prayer. It is sanctioned, according to the consensus of Muslims, but there is a disagreement over its obligation.
2. It is to be uttered after the second Takbeer )utterance of Allaahu Akbar, i.e., Allaah is Great( of the funeral prayer. Az-Zuhari, relates that he heard Abu ‘Umaamah ibn Sahl ibn Haneef saying to Sa‘eed ibn Al-Musayyib, may Allaah have mercy upon them: “The Sunnah in the funeral prayer is to recite the ]first Quranic[ chapter of Al-Faatihah )The Opening(; then to confer blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and then, to supplicate sincerely for the deceased until ]the one offering prayer[ concludes. He should recite this only once and then perform Tasleem )salutation( quietly.” ]An-Nasaa’i and Al-Haakim, Saheeh – Albaani[
3. When the name of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is mentioned, scholars differ on whether it is mandatory to invoke the peace and blessings of Allaah The Almighty on him. At-Tahaawi and Al-Haleemi, may Allaah have mercy upon them, concur on its obligation, while other scholars state that it is a favorable act, not a required one, in which case, not doing it, would not result in a sin.
4. It should be done upon entering and leaving the mosque. Faatimah, may Allaah be pleased with her, narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, told her:“When you enter the mosque, say: ‘Bismillaah, wassalaamu ‘ala Rasoolillaah. Allaahumma salli ‘ala Muhammad wa ‘ala aali Muhammad, waghfir lana wassahhil lanaa abwaaba rahmatik )In the name of Allaah; and may peace be upon His Messenger, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. O Allaah, confer Your blessings upon Muhammad and his household; and, forgive us and facilitate for us the doors of Your Mercy(’. When you have finished ]your prayers[ and are exiting, repeat this again, and add: ‘Wa sahhil lanaa abwaaba fadhlik )and ease for us the doors of Your grace(’.’’]Ibn Maajah and At-Tirmithi, Saheeh-Albaani[
5. It is also urged to be said after hearing the Athaan )call for prayer(, as the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, instructed:“When you hear the Athaan, say the same as the caller says, then invoke blessings upon me; the one who ]does that[ once will be rewarded by Allaah blessing him ten times. Then, ask Allaah to grant me Al-Waseelah, which is a rank in Paradise, designated for only one of the servants of Allaah, and I hope to be him. So, who prays for Al-Waseelah for me will be assured of my intercession.”]Muslim[
6. One should utter it while supplicating to Allaah The Almighty, as Fudhaalah ibn ‘Ubayd, may Allaah be pleased with him, recounts “that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, heard a man supplicating to Allaah in prayer without praising Him or invoking His blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. So, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:‘This man has hastened.’Then, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, called the man and, addressing all the attendants, said:“When any one of you prays, he should start by glorifying Allaah The Almighty and praising Him; he should then invoke blessings upon the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam; after that, he may supplicate for whatever he wants.”]At-Tirmithi and Ahmad[
7. Friday is also a special day for it, as Aws ibn Aws, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrates that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“The best of your days is Friday. On that day, Aadam )Adam(, may Allaah exalt his mention, was created and his life was taken away; on that day, the trumpet will be blown and on it, all of the creation will lose consciousness ]as signs of the Hour[. So, ask Allaah The Almighty, frequently, to confer a great deal of blessings upon me, for ]your invocations[ will be shown to me.”The Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, how will our prayers be presented to you when you will have turned to dust?” He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:“Allaah has forbidden the earth to consume the bodies of the Prophets.”
8. It should also be said during all sermons, including the one with the Friday prayer, on the days of Eid and when offering the prayer for rain.
9. It is recommended to be uttered when getting up after gathering.
10. It is also Sunnah to ask Allaah to confer blessings on the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, when concluding a marriage contract.

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Dought & clear, - The ruling on doing the marriage contract inthe presence of the wali(guardian) but with the proposal and acceptance done between the husband and wife

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According to Tunisian personal law, there is no stipulation that the guardian should give permission for the marriage, and when registering the civil marriage contract, the official begins this contract by asking the groom: Do you accept marriage to So and so, and he replies by saying yes. Then he asks the bride: Do you accept marriage to So and so, and she replied by saying yes. This is done in the presence of the guardian in most cases, i.e., he agrees to this marriage, and in the presence of two witnesses, but there is no proposal and acceptance in the customary form.
Our question is: is this marriage contract considered valid, or should there also be the proposal and acceptance between the husband and the guardian in the customary manner?
Praise be to Allah
One of the conditions of the marriage contract being valid is the proposal and acceptance.
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said: The proposal is the words uttered by the wali or his proxy, and the acceptance is the words uttered by the husband or his proxy.
So for example the guardian, such as the father, brother, and so on, says: I give my daughter (or sister) to you in marriage; this is the proposal, and the acceptance is the words uttered by the husband or his proxy.
The one who may take the place of the guardian is his proxy or representative, who is the person to whom he has given permission to act on his behalf whilst he is still alive [like power of attorney]. For example, he can say: I appoint you to act on my behalf in giving my daughter in marriage.
End quote fromash-Sharh al-Mumti‘, 12/37
If the proposal comes from the woman, the marriage contract is not valid, even if it is in the presence of her guardian and with his approval. This is the view of the majority of scholars (may Allah have mercy on them) and this is the view favoured by this website.
The Hanafis are of the view that it is valid for a woman to give herself in marriage. For more information, please see the answers to questions no. 7989, 97117, 126569
But because this matter is the subject of a difference of scholarly opinion, and the people and courts of your country follow the Hanafi madhhab in this issue, then the marriage that was done in this manner is valid, and there is no requirement to repeat it, because the ruling of the authorities is to be followed and the issue is no longer to be regarded as controversial. al-Bahooti (may Allah have mercy on him) said: If a woman gives herself or someone else – such as her slave woman, daughter or sister and so on – in marriage, or the woman appointed someone other than her guardian to give her in marriage, even if that was with the permission of her guardian, the marriage is not valid because its conditions were not fulfilled.
But if a judge rules it to be valid, it is not to be annulled, or if the one who did the marriage contract was a judge who thought that it was valid, it is not to be annulled.
The same applies to all invalid marriages: if they are not regarded as invalid by the one who did them they are not to be annulled, because this is a matter that is subject to ijtihaad, therefore it is not to be annulled if it is deemed to be correct by the one who did it.
End quote fromKashfal-Qinnaa‘, 5/49
However, what is required is to do future marriage contracts in the manner dictated by the Sunnah and approved of by the majority of scholars. So the marriage done in this manner (in which it is stipulated that the marriage contract he done by the guardian) is valid according to scholarly consensus, because it is a precaution to safeguard chastity and avoid a matter concerning which there is a scholarly difference of opinion, unlike the marriage contract which is not done by the guardian as required in sharee‘ah, which the majority of scholars do not regard as valid.
Here it is essential to differentiate between marriages that have already taken place and were deemed to be valid, and people based their actions on that, and future marriages (in which care should be taken to do them in the manner approved of by the majority of scholars).
And Allah knows best.

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