This is another of the classic and seminal articles published byThe
Muslimmagazine in the sixties and seventies. This article was first
published in 1969.
Morality has become for so many people in the West and those who ape
them elsewhere, the only immoral thing. Once you defend or criticise
any action or behaviour on a moral basis, You run the risk of being
branded as unscientific, irrational, and intolerant.
Morality according to such a view is at best something that is
completely irrelevant to the material and spiritual well-being of
individuals and societies; at worst it is the one handicap that is
blocking the way of healthy progress of individuals and societies. And
this is more so especially as far as sexual morality is concerned.
For such people the best attitude towards any kind of sexual behaviour
is: stop talking nonsense about its being moral or immoral since these
descriptions are mere expressions of the speaker's subjective and
irrational attitude. And since any form of sexual behaviour is as good
as the other, the best civilised, scientific and tolerant attitude is
to let any one choose the form which he likes and not to impose on him
the form which happens to be the choice of another individual or
groups of individuals even if the latter were in the majority.
Suffice it to say that while the idea of planning is gaining grounds
in nearly every aspect of society, laissez-faire has established
itself as the best policy in matters sexual. Is morality, and in
particular sexual morality, such a superfluous and highly relative
matter that changes, without any harmful consequences, from place to
place, from age to age, and front one individual to the other?
It is my belief that this is a grossly mistaken view but I do not want
to enter here into a direct defence of morality. In fact, I think that
the best policy here is not to talk about 'morality' at all, but about
the harmful or useful consequences of adopting one or the other of the
many possible forms of sexual behaviour. And I hope that the criteria
in use for identifying a certain consequence as useful or harmful will
be acceptable to everyone irrespective of whether he is religious or
atheist, a defender of morality or a staunch enemy of such a concept.
We shall see however that the choice we finally settle on is the
behaviour we call moral. And it is called moral, and enjoined by Allah
not for any mysterious unknowable quality which they have but for
reasons similar to the ones which I shall mention. As Muslims we
believe that Allah enjoins us to do only what is good for us and avoid
only what is bad or harmful for us.
There seem to be four main types of sexual relations of which we
either have a society of pure homosexuals, an entirely promiscuous
society, a society in which no sexual relation exists except between
husband and wife or a laissez-faire society in which all these forms
are tolerated. Are there any rational and objective basis on which we
can choose among these types of societies?
Let us start with the easiest one to rule out. If men continue to be
moral then a society of pure homosexuals is a self-defeating one,
since it severs the enjoyment of sex from its reproductive function.
An entirely promiscuous society seems to many to be the best, and in
the long run the inevitable form of sexual relations. In such a
society sex, it is thought, ceases to be a problem, since here we
shall for the first time combine complete freedom with the deepest
enjoyment as well as the reproduction of children. This however is a
mere dream in which one does not see the facts as they are but as one
wants them to be. Here are some of the difficulties that beset such a
society.
Far from being the natural or ultimately the inevitable, and even if
man is viewed as a mere animal, this is a dream which shall never be
realised. This is because
"*the human animal is basically and biologically a pair-forming
species. As the emotional relationship develops between a pair of
potential mates it is aided and abetted by the sexual activities they
share. The pair formation function of sexual behaviour is so important
for our species that nowhere outside the pairing phase do sexual
activities regularly reach such a high intensity."
The facts are therefore against those who argue that man is basically
promiscuous.
"**it is true that in many cultures economic considerations have led
to gross distortion of the pair-forming pattern, but even where this
pattern's interference with officially planned 'pseudo- bonds' has
been most vigorously suppressed, with savage penalties and
punishments, it has always shown signs of reasserting itself. From
ancient times, young lovers who have known that the law may demand no
less than their lives if they are caught, have nevertheless found
themselves driven to take the risk. Such is the power of this
fundamental biological mechanism.
"***As a dream, a promiscuous society is one where everyone chooses
whoever he likes at whatever time he prefers. As a reality it is a
society in which sexual deprivation becomes the main problem. If it is
true that human beings tend naturally towards forming sexual pairs
then if x and y are such a pair and if z likes y he cannot have her
(or him) because y is already tied to x and because even if y agrees x
is sure to interfere. But why it can be asked, should z want y in
particular? Why not any other 'free' person. Well, sincerely because
such is human nature. Man is not indiscriminately attracted by every
woman that happens to be passing by.
The young and the beautiful are universally more attractive than the
ugly and the old. And then there are the personal tastes of voice,
form, culture, gesture etc., etc. And if a person fails to find the
mate of his liking, then even if he is physically satisfied, he is
emotionally deprived."
In such a society people are sure to be obsessed with sex, as the
search for the younger, the more beautiful, the what not becomes a
full time job. If time is a valuable asset then much of it is
unnecessarily wasted in such a society. And this leads inevitably and
naturally to the commercialisation of this human need, a
commercialisation which through advertisements, pictures, specialised
magazines, the employment of sexually attractive girls, and a hundred
other satanic devices, only increases the obsession with sex.
The natural outcome of this is a distortion of human values. I do not
mean by this anything metaphysical or mysterious. I only mean that in
such a society a person's worth will depend on the accident of his
being in a certain age or having a beautiful body. Girls are rewarded,
socially and materially and even 'crowned' not for anything they
achieved but for a thing they had at their hour of birth. By
implication the less beautiful girls are punished for no fault of
theirs. What a cruel society!
A promiscuous society is definitely a cruel one. Even in a normal
society, the feeling that one is getting older is somewhat annoying.
What if the older one becomes one loses not only one's vitality and
smartness, but even some of one's worth as a human being.
If many criminal tendencies both among the young and the old are
discovered to have their origins in broken homes and unstable
families, what is going to be the fate of that army of parentless
children which a promiscuous society produces? I cannot go here into
the detailed problems of the mass bringing-up of children.
These then are some examples of the consequences of living in an
entirely promiscuous society. Contemplating them one might say; well
no one ever seriously advocated this kind of society. All we stand for
is a society where every individual or group of individuals shall have
the freedom to lead the kind of sexual life which they prefer. In such
a mixed society married people will live side by side with promiscuous
individuals and homosexuals, each appreciating and respecting the
ideas and choices of the others and tolerating their behaviour. But
this will not do either.
Firstly because the bad consequences of homosexuality (with the
details of which I have not concerned myself) and promiscuity, will
not be eradicated by having those who practise them living among
married people. All the complications will be there but on a narrower
scale,
Secondly, if the consequences are admitted to be harmful why then
encourage and not lessen the factors responsible for them? And the
unfortunate fact is that tolerating homosexuality and promiscuity
means encouraging them and pushing more and more people to practise
them so much so that the inevitable result will be a promiscuous and
homosexual society with a minority of "eccentric" married people, who
shall not however be tolerated as the example of Lut's people shows.
"And Lut! (Remember) when he said unto his folk: Will ye commit
abomination such as no creature ever did before. "Lo! ye come with
lust unto men instead of women. Nay, but ye are wanton folk. "And the
answer of his people was only that they said (one to another): Turn
them out of your township. They are folk, forsooth, who keep
pure."(Surah 7:80-82)
By elimination then, and also by implication, the society with the
least evil and most good is a society of married people who do not
tolerate, but do their best to eradicate all the causes of
homosexuality and promiscuity. But the elaboration of this is the
topic of another article which I hope to write, insh'Allah.
REFERENCES:
* Desmond Morris, "The Human Zoo", p.83
** Ibid p.86
*** Ibid p.86
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Monday, November 4, 2013
Sex in Islam, - Sex, Society and Morality
Sex in Islam, - Sex Education, Teenage Pregnancy, Sex in Islam and Marriage
"Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?"(The
Holy Quran, 39:9)
"Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in
the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion"(Bukhari and
Muslim)
"If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD,
they'll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions to
sex education in this country are based on the assumption that
knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance
and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to
tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have
the highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of
any highly developed country in the world." -fromWhat Kids Need to
Know,Psychology Today, October 1986, by Dr. Sol Gordon, Professor
Emeritus, Syracuse University, and an expert on sex education.
INTRODUCTION
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge,
and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and women were
never too shy to ask him questions including those related to private
affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex is a
dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with
their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their
children's school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the
opposite sex), by their peers of either sex, and by the media and
television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per
year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is
an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of
our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses
reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation
in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an
example, discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual
positions with his Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education
with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not
their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of
ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be
comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave
Islamic education to Islamic Sunday schools and sex education to
American public schools and the media.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION AND WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the human
body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life or
about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted
pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in
sex? One sex educator at my son's school told the parents, "I am not
planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in
sex or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know
how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases
(VD), acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in
the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality
associated with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the
institution of marriage.
One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do
you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let
it swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been
having sex without any formal education. In many traditional
civilizations, sex education starts after marriage and with trial and
error. Some couples learn it faster than others and do it better than
others due to difference in sexual perception and expression of one
partner. In my opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily
proof of their love. An appropriate and healthy sex education is
crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe
everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more
responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son's
questions and a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can
hardly influence the sex ed taught in public schools or by the media,
but we can supplement that with an ethical and moral dimension adding
family love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role
can be played by Sunday school teachers, the family physician, the
pediatrician and the clergy. Within a family, the older sister has a
duty towards the younger one and the elder brother has a duty towards
younger ones.
SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private,
from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2
billion per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex
ed without telling the students about moral values or how to make the
right decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and
reproduction, the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal
diseases and teenage pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on
'Safe Sex' which means having condoms available each time you decide
to have sex with someone you don't know. With the help of our tax
dollars, about 76 schools in the country have started dispensing free
condoms and contraceptives to those who go to school health clinics.
Very soon there will be vending machines in school hallways where
'children' can get a condom each time they feel like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and
sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a
film called, "Am I Normal?" as a parent at my son's school. Whenever
the young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown
as a bum and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy
learns it from a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater
with his girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of
morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The
examples of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way to
introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an
opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he
also states that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per
year) occur by a close relative (parent, step-parent or another family
member).
b. A child's playing with genitals of another child is a permissible
'naive exploration' and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is
also aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We
don't know when this 'naive exploration' becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel
guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful
points across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex
exploitation, Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of
telling them to stop, the parent's moral duty is to protect their
health and career by providing them information and means for
contraception and avoiding VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious
teens and their submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving
sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to
why some folks after being told the shape, color, smell and taste of a
new fruit, and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try
it? These educators say that even if your child does not ask any
questions about sex, parents should initiate the discussion using i.e.
a neighbors pregnancy, a pet's behavior, advertisement, popular music
or a TV show. I wonder why these educators are obsessed with loading
children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
THE MORE THEY KNOW IT - THE MORE THEY DO IT
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the teenager
incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has not
changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman,
President of the Children' Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of
every twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use
conceptions, two get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John
Hopkins study found one out of every five 15 year olds, and one in
three 16 year olds are sexually active. The incidence increased to 43%
in 17 year olds. The Louis Harris poll in 1986 found that 57% of the
nations 17 year olds, 46% of 16 year olds, 29% 15 year old were
sexually active. Now it is estimated that about 80% of girls entering
college had sexual intercourse at least once. Going to church does not
help either. 1438 teenagers, mostly white, attending conservative
evangelical church were sent questions about their sex life. 26% of 16
year olds, 35% of 17 year olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said they had
sexual intercourse at least once. 33% that responded also said sex
outside of marriage was morally acceptable.
HAZARDS OF EARLY SEX
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in
incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage
pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries
are possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in
terms of full maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting
effect. Cervical cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an
early age and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in
their article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually
transmitted disease.
TEENAGE PREGNANCY
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year, at
a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I
million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are
aborted (or ? murdered). 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby
up for adoption. In 1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried
teenagers was only 13.9%, but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a
myth that teenage pregnancy is a problem of the black and poor. To the
contrary 2/3 teens getting pregnant now are white, suburban and above
the poverty income level. The pregnancy rate (without marriage) in
54,000 enlisted Navy women is 40% as compared to 17% in the general
population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50%
complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They
themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up,
have 82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent
every year for the financial and health care support of teenage
mothers., The sexual revolution of the 60's has affected another
dimension of health care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of
chlamydia, 2 million cases of gonorrhea, I million venereal warts, 0.5
million genital herpes and 90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague
of AIDS is adding a new twist to our fears. 200,000 cases have been
diagnosed in the US alone, out of which 50% have already died. The
disease is growing at a rate of one case every 14 minutes and so far
there is no effective treatment. Father Bruce Ritter in New York, who
operates shelters for runaway children, says the biggest threat to the
nation's 1 million runaways is the threat of AIDS now.
WHY DO CHILDREN GET INVOLVED IN SEX?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most
common is peer pressure. Their common response is "since everybody is
doing it." One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence
with adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their
lack of self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or
mother. Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert
their sexual energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and
appreciation at home. Detachment from home can lead to attachment
elsewhere. Sexual pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their
peers, from the TV where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in
advertisement, soap operas, prime time shows and MTV. The hard core
rock music nowadays fans the flames of sexual desires. Most parents do
not know what kind of music their children are hearing. If they care
and listen to rock songs like Eat Me Alive (Judas Priest), Purple Rain
(Prince), Losing It (Madonna), The Last American Virgin, Papa Don't
Preach, Private Dancer (Tina Turner), Material Girl (Madonna) and
Cyndi Lauper's songs, they will know what they are talking about. The
songs have pornographic words and sentences which made Kandy Stroud, a
former rock fan, begged parents to stop their children from listening
to what she calls 'Pornographic Rock'. This shows music does affect
our sexual mood. It does so by activating melatonin, the hormone from
the pineal gland in the brain which is turned on by darkness and
turned off by flashing lights. It is the same gland which has been
thought to trigger puberty and affects the reproductive cycle and sex
mood.
WHAT IS THE TRUE ROLE OF PARENTS?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e.
teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other
states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible
for the financial support of the child. Remember parents are not
needed if their teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion.
Faced with such hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their
teenagers mind what is not taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not
to engage in sex, reason not to get pregnant, etc. At the same time,
they should divert their energies to some productive activities like
community work, sports, character growth, or Sunday schools. Another
role of parents is to help their children make the right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong.
Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to
or the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading,
and the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they
are wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with
supervision, dating should not be allowed. When American teenagers
start dating, sex is on their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys responded
by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go
all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the
rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Anything
which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e.
alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two
members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed
for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for
sex. The body can be brought to a point of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are
different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life.
Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite
sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same
through sex is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim
children should be told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take
drugs, and they don't have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF SEXUALITY
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is
discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a
serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should
familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
1. "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of
charity." The Companions were surprised and said, "But we do it purely
out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The Prophet
replied, "If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have
been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted
as charity."
2. "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is
more appropriate to send a message before the act."
3. "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to
another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone."
CONCEPT OF ADULTERY IN ISLAM
God says in the Quran,"Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a
shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)"(17:32)."Say,
'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or
secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and
reason"'(7:33)."Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are
for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of
purity are for women of purity"(24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has
said in many place that adultery is one of the three major sins.
However the most interesting story is that of a young man who went to
the Prophet and asked for permission to fornicate because he could not
control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked
him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his
mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said 'no'. Then
the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is
also somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood
and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of
society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time
marriages in this country result in divorce in two years and the main
reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery,
which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic
in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says
frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is,
"Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but
anything which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things
include dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity,
obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to
protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose
self-control and fall into sin."Say to the believing men that they
should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for
greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say
to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard
their modesty"(24:30-3 1).
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction.
Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield
from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a
man and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement,
not even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to
each other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship
is a part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social
status and responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and
for the community. The Quran says,"Among His signs is that He created
consorts for you from among yourself, so that you may find
tranquillity with them, and (He) set love and compassion between you.
Verily in this are signs for people who reflect"(30:21).
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me"
(Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being Godfearing"
(Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is
becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have
completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more.
Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why?
When asked, they say, "I am not ready for it." Not ready for what?
Don't they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they
have only one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex
(abstinence until they marry). The Quran says,"Let those who find not
the where withal for marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God
find them the means from His Grace"(24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means should marry,
otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The
Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I
suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she
bluntly said, "I don't want to sleep with the same guy every night."
ROLE OF MUSLIM PARENTS AND MUSLIM ORGANIZATIONS
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I
must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make
decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to
having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming
about) the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters
in selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and
not race, color or wealth. They should encourage them to know each
other in a supervised setting. The community organization has several
roles to play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other
without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18
separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of
mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet
Muhammad (PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it
a beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and
when he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is
married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty,
and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin
will lie with the father."
MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was
not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national
magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in
teaching Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced
that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the
events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a
non-Muslim boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be
told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all
love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages
can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they
need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the
blind arranged marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents
have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys with
whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a
week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a
social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of
having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing
only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim
one?"
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of
missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim
girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live
with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American
girl of European background but they would object if he marries a
Muslim girl of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or
different tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab,
Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed.
Both the parents and the body should be reminded that the criteria for
choosing a spouse that was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was
not wealth nor color but Islamic piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less,
is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According
to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in
life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends.
However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year
nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that they
are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a
Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too
large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic
magazines, she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of
25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may
wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.
- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that
marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her
offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US
may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age.
Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in
the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without
God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or
awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter.
In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a
Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim
female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic
Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and
classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question
should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or
she got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole
act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen
year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital
class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should
Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples,
although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader
of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is,"They
are your garments, and you are their garments"(2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment
is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A
garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same
to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be
available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they
should praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one
without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your
wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do
not compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a
women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an
active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be
available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice
between you and hellfire.
SELECTED REFERENCES
*.Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund. Northside Topics. January, 1988.
*."Children Having Children." Time Magazine. December 9, 1985.
*.Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control. Indianapolis Star;
June 14, 1988.
*.Dracula of Hormones. Newsweek Magazine. November 25, 1985.
*.Elam, A. and V. G. Ray. "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals
of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
*.Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman. "Sex Education-My Parent's Role
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549. Published by Public Affairs
Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 16.
*.Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality. March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
*.Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine,
(Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7
*.Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human
Sexuality. September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
*.Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom. Bradley,
11: Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
*.Muslim, Bukhari. Collection of Hadith.
*.Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians. American Cancer
Society. November-December, 1984.
*.Report On Sex Education. Time Magazine. November. 24, 1986.
*.Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical
Churchs. Indianapolis Star. February 2, 1988.
*.Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools:
What Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center,
1986, p. 6.
*.Stroud. "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine. May 6. 1985.
Time Magazine. February 4, 1985, p. 85.
*."What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine. April 13, 1987.
*.Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of
Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
*.Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex. Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp. 138-205.
Holy Quran, 39:9)
"Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in
the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion"(Bukhari and
Muslim)
"If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD,
they'll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions to
sex education in this country are based on the assumption that
knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance
and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to
tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have
the highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of
any highly developed country in the world." -fromWhat Kids Need to
Know,Psychology Today, October 1986, by Dr. Sol Gordon, Professor
Emeritus, Syracuse University, and an expert on sex education.
INTRODUCTION
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge,
and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and women were
never too shy to ask him questions including those related to private
affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex is a
dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with
their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their
children's school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the
opposite sex), by their peers of either sex, and by the media and
television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per
year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is
an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of
our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses
reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation
in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an
example, discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual
positions with his Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education
with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not
their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of
ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be
comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave
Islamic education to Islamic Sunday schools and sex education to
American public schools and the media.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION AND WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the human
body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life or
about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted
pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in
sex? One sex educator at my son's school told the parents, "I am not
planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in
sex or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know
how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases
(VD), acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in
the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality
associated with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the
institution of marriage.
One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do
you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let
it swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been
having sex without any formal education. In many traditional
civilizations, sex education starts after marriage and with trial and
error. Some couples learn it faster than others and do it better than
others due to difference in sexual perception and expression of one
partner. In my opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily
proof of their love. An appropriate and healthy sex education is
crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe
everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more
responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son's
questions and a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can
hardly influence the sex ed taught in public schools or by the media,
but we can supplement that with an ethical and moral dimension adding
family love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role
can be played by Sunday school teachers, the family physician, the
pediatrician and the clergy. Within a family, the older sister has a
duty towards the younger one and the elder brother has a duty towards
younger ones.
SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private,
from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2
billion per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex
ed without telling the students about moral values or how to make the
right decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and
reproduction, the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal
diseases and teenage pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on
'Safe Sex' which means having condoms available each time you decide
to have sex with someone you don't know. With the help of our tax
dollars, about 76 schools in the country have started dispensing free
condoms and contraceptives to those who go to school health clinics.
Very soon there will be vending machines in school hallways where
'children' can get a condom each time they feel like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and
sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a
film called, "Am I Normal?" as a parent at my son's school. Whenever
the young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown
as a bum and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy
learns it from a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater
with his girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of
morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The
examples of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way to
introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an
opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he
also states that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per
year) occur by a close relative (parent, step-parent or another family
member).
b. A child's playing with genitals of another child is a permissible
'naive exploration' and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is
also aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We
don't know when this 'naive exploration' becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel
guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful
points across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex
exploitation, Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of
telling them to stop, the parent's moral duty is to protect their
health and career by providing them information and means for
contraception and avoiding VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious
teens and their submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving
sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to
why some folks after being told the shape, color, smell and taste of a
new fruit, and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try
it? These educators say that even if your child does not ask any
questions about sex, parents should initiate the discussion using i.e.
a neighbors pregnancy, a pet's behavior, advertisement, popular music
or a TV show. I wonder why these educators are obsessed with loading
children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
THE MORE THEY KNOW IT - THE MORE THEY DO IT
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the teenager
incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has not
changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman,
President of the Children' Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of
every twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use
conceptions, two get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John
Hopkins study found one out of every five 15 year olds, and one in
three 16 year olds are sexually active. The incidence increased to 43%
in 17 year olds. The Louis Harris poll in 1986 found that 57% of the
nations 17 year olds, 46% of 16 year olds, 29% 15 year old were
sexually active. Now it is estimated that about 80% of girls entering
college had sexual intercourse at least once. Going to church does not
help either. 1438 teenagers, mostly white, attending conservative
evangelical church were sent questions about their sex life. 26% of 16
year olds, 35% of 17 year olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said they had
sexual intercourse at least once. 33% that responded also said sex
outside of marriage was morally acceptable.
HAZARDS OF EARLY SEX
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in
incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage
pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries
are possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in
terms of full maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting
effect. Cervical cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an
early age and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in
their article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually
transmitted disease.
TEENAGE PREGNANCY
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year, at
a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I
million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are
aborted (or ? murdered). 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby
up for adoption. In 1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried
teenagers was only 13.9%, but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a
myth that teenage pregnancy is a problem of the black and poor. To the
contrary 2/3 teens getting pregnant now are white, suburban and above
the poverty income level. The pregnancy rate (without marriage) in
54,000 enlisted Navy women is 40% as compared to 17% in the general
population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50%
complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They
themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up,
have 82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent
every year for the financial and health care support of teenage
mothers., The sexual revolution of the 60's has affected another
dimension of health care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of
chlamydia, 2 million cases of gonorrhea, I million venereal warts, 0.5
million genital herpes and 90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague
of AIDS is adding a new twist to our fears. 200,000 cases have been
diagnosed in the US alone, out of which 50% have already died. The
disease is growing at a rate of one case every 14 minutes and so far
there is no effective treatment. Father Bruce Ritter in New York, who
operates shelters for runaway children, says the biggest threat to the
nation's 1 million runaways is the threat of AIDS now.
WHY DO CHILDREN GET INVOLVED IN SEX?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most
common is peer pressure. Their common response is "since everybody is
doing it." One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence
with adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their
lack of self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or
mother. Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert
their sexual energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and
appreciation at home. Detachment from home can lead to attachment
elsewhere. Sexual pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their
peers, from the TV where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in
advertisement, soap operas, prime time shows and MTV. The hard core
rock music nowadays fans the flames of sexual desires. Most parents do
not know what kind of music their children are hearing. If they care
and listen to rock songs like Eat Me Alive (Judas Priest), Purple Rain
(Prince), Losing It (Madonna), The Last American Virgin, Papa Don't
Preach, Private Dancer (Tina Turner), Material Girl (Madonna) and
Cyndi Lauper's songs, they will know what they are talking about. The
songs have pornographic words and sentences which made Kandy Stroud, a
former rock fan, begged parents to stop their children from listening
to what she calls 'Pornographic Rock'. This shows music does affect
our sexual mood. It does so by activating melatonin, the hormone from
the pineal gland in the brain which is turned on by darkness and
turned off by flashing lights. It is the same gland which has been
thought to trigger puberty and affects the reproductive cycle and sex
mood.
WHAT IS THE TRUE ROLE OF PARENTS?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e.
teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other
states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible
for the financial support of the child. Remember parents are not
needed if their teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion.
Faced with such hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their
teenagers mind what is not taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not
to engage in sex, reason not to get pregnant, etc. At the same time,
they should divert their energies to some productive activities like
community work, sports, character growth, or Sunday schools. Another
role of parents is to help their children make the right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong.
Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to
or the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading,
and the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they
are wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with
supervision, dating should not be allowed. When American teenagers
start dating, sex is on their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys responded
by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go
all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the
rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Anything
which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e.
alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two
members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed
for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for
sex. The body can be brought to a point of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are
different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life.
Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite
sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same
through sex is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim
children should be told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take
drugs, and they don't have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF SEXUALITY
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is
discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a
serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should
familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
1. "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of
charity." The Companions were surprised and said, "But we do it purely
out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The Prophet
replied, "If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have
been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted
as charity."
2. "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is
more appropriate to send a message before the act."
3. "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to
another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone."
CONCEPT OF ADULTERY IN ISLAM
God says in the Quran,"Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a
shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)"(17:32)."Say,
'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or
secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and
reason"'(7:33)."Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are
for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of
purity are for women of purity"(24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has
said in many place that adultery is one of the three major sins.
However the most interesting story is that of a young man who went to
the Prophet and asked for permission to fornicate because he could not
control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked
him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his
mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said 'no'. Then
the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is
also somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood
and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of
society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time
marriages in this country result in divorce in two years and the main
reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery,
which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic
in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says
frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is,
"Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but
anything which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things
include dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity,
obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to
protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose
self-control and fall into sin."Say to the believing men that they
should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for
greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say
to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard
their modesty"(24:30-3 1).
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction.
Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield
from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a
man and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement,
not even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to
each other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship
is a part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social
status and responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and
for the community. The Quran says,"Among His signs is that He created
consorts for you from among yourself, so that you may find
tranquillity with them, and (He) set love and compassion between you.
Verily in this are signs for people who reflect"(30:21).
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me"
(Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being Godfearing"
(Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is
becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have
completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more.
Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why?
When asked, they say, "I am not ready for it." Not ready for what?
Don't they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they
have only one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex
(abstinence until they marry). The Quran says,"Let those who find not
the where withal for marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God
find them the means from His Grace"(24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means should marry,
otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The
Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I
suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she
bluntly said, "I don't want to sleep with the same guy every night."
ROLE OF MUSLIM PARENTS AND MUSLIM ORGANIZATIONS
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I
must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make
decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to
having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming
about) the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters
in selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and
not race, color or wealth. They should encourage them to know each
other in a supervised setting. The community organization has several
roles to play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other
without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18
separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of
mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet
Muhammad (PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it
a beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and
when he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is
married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty,
and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin
will lie with the father."
MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was
not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national
magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in
teaching Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced
that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the
events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a
non-Muslim boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be
told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all
love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages
can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they
need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the
blind arranged marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents
have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys with
whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a
week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a
social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of
having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing
only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim
one?"
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of
missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim
girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live
with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American
girl of European background but they would object if he marries a
Muslim girl of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or
different tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab,
Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed.
Both the parents and the body should be reminded that the criteria for
choosing a spouse that was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was
not wealth nor color but Islamic piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less,
is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According
to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in
life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends.
However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year
nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that they
are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a
Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too
large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic
magazines, she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of
25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may
wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.
- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that
marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her
offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US
may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age.
Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in
the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without
God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or
awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter.
In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a
Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim
female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic
Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and
classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question
should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or
she got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole
act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen
year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital
class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should
Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples,
although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader
of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is,"They
are your garments, and you are their garments"(2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment
is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A
garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same
to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be
available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they
should praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one
without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your
wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do
not compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a
women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an
active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be
available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice
between you and hellfire.
SELECTED REFERENCES
*.Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund. Northside Topics. January, 1988.
*."Children Having Children." Time Magazine. December 9, 1985.
*.Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control. Indianapolis Star;
June 14, 1988.
*.Dracula of Hormones. Newsweek Magazine. November 25, 1985.
*.Elam, A. and V. G. Ray. "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals
of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
*.Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman. "Sex Education-My Parent's Role
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549. Published by Public Affairs
Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 16.
*.Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality. March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
*.Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine,
(Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7
*.Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human
Sexuality. September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
*.Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom. Bradley,
11: Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
*.Muslim, Bukhari. Collection of Hadith.
*.Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians. American Cancer
Society. November-December, 1984.
*.Report On Sex Education. Time Magazine. November. 24, 1986.
*.Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical
Churchs. Indianapolis Star. February 2, 1988.
*.Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools:
What Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center,
1986, p. 6.
*.Stroud. "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine. May 6. 1985.
Time Magazine. February 4, 1985, p. 85.
*."What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine. April 13, 1987.
*.Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of
Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
*.Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex. Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp. 138-205.
Fathwa, - Looking after Hindu pilgrims is cooperation insin
Question
assalamu alaikum we have been deputed for yatra duties where a cave
exists hindus believe that cave belonged to their God .WE WERE LOOKING
AFTER THE HEALTH PROBLEMS OF YATRIES WE ARE SUPPOsed to get some money
extra to our own pay.is it halal to get this money?
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify
that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that
Muhammadis His slave and Messenger.
There is no doubt that what those Hindus are doing is Shirk and
clear-cut disbelief, therefore, working with them in that pilgrimage
trip in the manner which you mentioned is helping them in their
falsehood and disbelief and Allaah forbade this as He Says )what
means(: }And cooperate in righteousness and piety, but do not
cooperate in sin and aggression. And fear Allaah; indeed, Allaah is
severe in penalty.{ ]Quran 5:2[
If the work is forbidden, then the pay for such work is also forbidden.
Allaah Knows best.
assalamu alaikum we have been deputed for yatra duties where a cave
exists hindus believe that cave belonged to their God .WE WERE LOOKING
AFTER THE HEALTH PROBLEMS OF YATRIES WE ARE SUPPOsed to get some money
extra to our own pay.is it halal to get this money?
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify
that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that
Muhammadis His slave and Messenger.
There is no doubt that what those Hindus are doing is Shirk and
clear-cut disbelief, therefore, working with them in that pilgrimage
trip in the manner which you mentioned is helping them in their
falsehood and disbelief and Allaah forbade this as He Says )what
means(: }And cooperate in righteousness and piety, but do not
cooperate in sin and aggression. And fear Allaah; indeed, Allaah is
severe in penalty.{ ]Quran 5:2[
If the work is forbidden, then the pay for such work is also forbidden.
Allaah Knows best.
Fathwa, - The so-called Jihaad An-Nikaah has no basis inIslam
Question
ASSALAMUALIKUM WA RAHMATULLAHUI WA BARKATAHU RESPECTED SIR, WHAT IS
JIHAD AL NIKHA ? I CAME TO KNOW THAT THIS NIKAH IS DONE IN THE PERIOD
OF JIHAD AND THE GIRL HAVE EXTRAMARITAL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
MULTIPLE PARTNERS AND HAVING CHILDRENS. IS THIS SYSTEM OF NIKAH
ALLOWED IN ISLAM . 2. WHAT IS MISIYAR ? THIS SYSTEM IS SAME AS MUTHA
PLEASE DESCRIBE. JAZAK ALLAH KHAIR
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify
that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad,
is His Slave and Messenger.
The term "Jihaad An-Nikaah" has no basis in Islam. We think that it
cannot be used to refer to those to whom it is attributed. Rather, it
is a completely false accusation, aiming to distort the image of the
religious Muslims and to slander them.
According tothose who use that term, it means that the unmarried
fighters or those who are married among them but are unable to meet
their wives, conclude a marriage contract with girls or divorced women
for a short time that sometimes does not go beyond an hour after which
divorce takes place; to give another fighter a chance to marry and of
course this is absolutely not permissible. That is because it is like
Nikaah al-Mut'ah )temporary marriage( that Islam has prohibited and
some scholars reported the consensus of Muslim scholars on prohibiting
it.
As for Misyaar marriage, it is an Islamic marriage that fulfills the
conditions of a valid marriage such as the presence of a guardian,
witnesses and the like with the exception that the woman willingly
renounces some of her rights. This does not affect the validity of the
marriage contract. It has nothing to do with Nikaah al-Mut'ah which is
a temporary marriage whose period is specified in advance, such as if
a man marries a woman for a month or the like.
Allaah Knows best.
ASSALAMUALIKUM WA RAHMATULLAHUI WA BARKATAHU RESPECTED SIR, WHAT IS
JIHAD AL NIKHA ? I CAME TO KNOW THAT THIS NIKAH IS DONE IN THE PERIOD
OF JIHAD AND THE GIRL HAVE EXTRAMARITAL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
MULTIPLE PARTNERS AND HAVING CHILDRENS. IS THIS SYSTEM OF NIKAH
ALLOWED IN ISLAM . 2. WHAT IS MISIYAR ? THIS SYSTEM IS SAME AS MUTHA
PLEASE DESCRIBE. JAZAK ALLAH KHAIR
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify
that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad,
is His Slave and Messenger.
The term "Jihaad An-Nikaah" has no basis in Islam. We think that it
cannot be used to refer to those to whom it is attributed. Rather, it
is a completely false accusation, aiming to distort the image of the
religious Muslims and to slander them.
According tothose who use that term, it means that the unmarried
fighters or those who are married among them but are unable to meet
their wives, conclude a marriage contract with girls or divorced women
for a short time that sometimes does not go beyond an hour after which
divorce takes place; to give another fighter a chance to marry and of
course this is absolutely not permissible. That is because it is like
Nikaah al-Mut'ah )temporary marriage( that Islam has prohibited and
some scholars reported the consensus of Muslim scholars on prohibiting
it.
As for Misyaar marriage, it is an Islamic marriage that fulfills the
conditions of a valid marriage such as the presence of a guardian,
witnesses and the like with the exception that the woman willingly
renounces some of her rights. This does not affect the validity of the
marriage contract. It has nothing to do with Nikaah al-Mut'ah which is
a temporary marriage whose period is specified in advance, such as if
a man marries a woman for a month or the like.
Allaah Knows best.
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