Making sure that Muslims are well-matched in marriage is one of the
most important and potentially difficult functions in Muslim society.
The individual seeking marriage must have his/her priorities straight
and be clear about which characteristics are most important in a
spouse in order to have a successful marriage. There are many
characteristics that are important in a husband or a wife but some are
exceedingly more important than others. Emphasising the wrong
qualities can lead to disaster down the road just as being neglectful
of certain considerations can do likewise. When we come to understand
the goals and priorities of marriage in Islam, we may be guided to the
Islamic methodology of seeking marriage in Islam and stop blindly
following the disbelievers in their ignorant notions of the importance
of 'getting to know each other' and other such concepts which in
reality contribute nothing to and, more often, sabotage a marriage.
Prophet Muhammadtaught us in many Ahaadeeth )prophetic statements(
about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse and
their relative importance. Among those Ahaadeeth are the following:"A
woman is married for her religion, her wealth or her beauty. You must
go for the one with religion, may your hands be in the dust! )if you
fail to heed("]Muslim[ And also:"Choose carefully for your seed
)offspring(. Marry those who are equivalent )or 'qualified'( and give
to them in marriage."]Ibn Maajah & Others[
In the following sections, we will discuss, if Allaah wills, some of
the most important characteristics that can be found in the Quran and
the Sunnah )prophetic tradition( related to selecting a good spouse.
Religion
In the previous Hadeeth, the Prophetmentioned various characteristics
that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did
not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human
nature, except for the issue of Deen, i.e., a prospective spouse's
piety and practice of Islam - their fulfilling of what is mandatory
and their avoidance of what is unlawful. About this characteristic,
the Prophetsaid: "It is )incumbent( upon you to seek the one with
piety". This is an order and quite different from the general
statement at the beginning of the Hadeeth which states:"A woman is
married for..."and separates the issue of 'religion' from the other
mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also, when the
Prophetsaid at the end of the Hadeeth:"…May your hands be in the
dust",invoking this negative outcome on those who disregard his order,
it can only refer to the order to seek the spouse with piety, since
that is the only order in the Hadeeth.
We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere
wearing of Hijaab )female Muslim attire( for women, or keeping a beard
and praying in the Masjid )Mosque( for men, while obvious requirements
of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people
who, at first glance, appear to be abiding by Islam, but, upon closer
inspection, they have an altogether incorrect understanding of it.
'Umar bin Al-Khattaabonce told someone who had testified to the
goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the Masjid
that he did not know him due to him not having had dealings with him
that involved money, as well as not having lived or travelled with
him.
The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to
the bride. The guardian of the woman should make this his first and
top priority, just as the man looking for a wife should make it his.
The Prophetsaid: "If someone with whose piety and character you are
satisfied comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will
be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil."]At-Tirmithi &
Others[
Character and Behaviour
In the previous Hadeeth addressed to those in charge of the marital
affairs of Muslim women and girls, the Prophetcommanded them to
facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues:
the faith of the suitor and his character.
Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with
faith and piety. The Prophethas even described it as the purpose of
his mission to mankind, as we can see from the following Ahaadeeth:
"I have only been sent to complete good character."]Al-Haakim & Others[
"I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Paradise for one
who makes his character good."]Abu Daawood [
"Righteousness is good character."]Muslim[
"The believers with the most complete Eemaan )faith( are those with
the best character."]Abu Daawood[
In the Quran, Allaah establishes the relation of this issue to
marriage, Saying )what means(:"…Bad women are for bad men and bad men
are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are
for good women..."]Quran 24:26[
The word 'bad' in the above verse means filthy, unclean and
despicable. It is a very strong word. The word 'good' connotes clean
and pure as well as good.
One of the important issues of character in the mates is the quality
of intimacy. This means to be kind, loving and compassionate. The
Prophetsaid:"Marry the loving/friendly and the child-bearing, for I
shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on
Doomsday."]Ahmad, Abu Daawood & Others[
Therefore, the prospective spouse must ask and find out about the
other person's behaviour and manners. As a sign also, one may look at
the manners and behaviour of the other person's family, for often )but
not always( the behaviour of people of the same family are similar.
In other words, some characteristics whether good or bad, tend to run
in some families such as anger, politeness, stinginess, generosity,
lying, truthfulness and so forth.
Child-Bearing
The Prophetrecommended men to marry women who are child-bearing. This
characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of
marriage that were mentioned earlier such as enlarging the Muslim
Ummah )community(, raising pious families as cornerstones of society,
and so forth.
The scholars mention that a man can look at a woman's female relatives
to get an idea whether she is apt to get pregnant easily and often or
not. This attribute should also apply to the man. For example, a
Muslim man who had a vasectomy before getting married would not be an
appropriate husband for a Muslim girl getting married for the first
time.
Virginity
There are many Ahaadeeth which recommend a man to marry a virgin
woman, such as:"Marry virgins for they have sweeter mouths, more
productive wombs and are more pleased with less."]At-Tabaraani[
Other narrations indicate that she is more likely to be pleased by a
man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Jaabirmarried an
older and previously married woman, so the Prophetremarked:"Why not a
virgin? You could have played with her and she with you."
The scholars have stressed that this good attribute applies to the
husband just as it applies to the wife. One of them wrote:
"Similarly, it is preferred for a person not to marry his daughter
except to a virgin man if she has never been married before." 'Umar
bin Al-Khattaabonce heard about a woman who was married to an elderly
man, so he said: "O people! Fear Allaah and marry a man to a woman who
is similar to him and marry a woman to a man who is similar to her."
To be concluded
'' Our Lord ! grant us good in this world and good in the hereafter and save us from the torment of the Fire '' [Ameen]
-
{in Arab} :->
Rabbanaa aatinaa fid-dunyaa hasanatan wafil aakhirati hasanatan waqinaa 'athaaban-naar/-
(Surah Al-Baqarah ,verse 201)
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