Story, - I want him back. But...

I had known this guy since we were little kid. we had crush to each
other since then. one dayi met him again and sincethen, we started to
contact. we talked, we chat, but we were not officially dating that
time. just kinda flings.
After all the obstacles that we've been through,at last we were going
out. but after two months, i broke up with him as i thought
I had no feelings for him..he was hurt by then. after few months, I
went back to him and he accepted me. But then, the event recycled over
and over again for 3 times. and it was for the same reason: i have no
feelings for him. The problem was me, I just made the decision without
thinking much. I was so stupid. Now, he has a new girlfriend..
andthey'll be having one-year-relationship this September. I'm not
over him, i still love him but i wont disturb his relationship. I'll
just wait for him to come back to me.
The problem is... last week he told my best friend that he was
confused with his feelings, between me or his current girlfriend. I
could tell that he still cares for me. So, I gave him a text. we
managed to talked, and he didn't gave me much details though on his
problem. My friends said that i might have chance with him. I miss him
so much, and i want him back. But if i have to hurt his current
girlfriend in order to get him back, I don't think I can do that. But
I really want him back. I don't know what to do anymore. :(

Husband too friendly to non-Muslim women

Question:
Assalam alaikum
Living in the US, I have a hard time coming to terms with the culture
here.The women here wear unIslamic clothing (deep necks,scanty
clothing).
My husband's nature isto speak freely with allwhether men or women and
of very jovial nature.
My blood burns when Isee him speaking freely with these nastywomen. I
had several arguments with him, leading to a strained relationship.
Otherwise he loves medearly and is loyal to me. How should I reconcile
to my environment? I feel depressed most of the time and cannot
concentrate on anything including Salah.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah's peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger.
Dear Sister,
I pray this message finds you in good health and spirits.
Here's something I want to emphasize to you:
You said, and I quote,"Otherwise he loves me dearly and is loyal to me."
Alhamdulillah! This is all you could ask for in a Muslim husband. As
long as he is pious, aware of Allah at all times, and truly devoted to
you, then you have nothing to worry about.
Yes, the way the women dress is very disturbing. But you must remember
that these women do nothave divine guidance. There is really no such
concept as modesty in this society. But don't think of all non-Muslim
women as "nasty." Many of these same scantily-clad women, through
Allah's mercy, may one day come to Islam. I know sisters who are
themost modest, sincere Muslimahs today, who just yesterday were
running around barely dressed!
Please don't be depressed. We women do have a tendency to get jealous;
however, this isn't a very effective strategy. What you can do is
communicate your concern in a positive way to your husband. Tell him
how you really love his jovial personality, but could he exercise more
caution in his interactions with the opposite sex. Gently remind him
of the Qur'anic injunctions about lowering one's gaze.
Most importantly, be positive. Your husband has a beautiful Muslim
wife. Let him know that. Alhamdulillah, we stand out from the crowd.
Embrace that by being the best example of a Muslimah you can be.
My teacher once told me,"Bloom where you are planted." What this means
is that we should strive to flourish no matter where Allah Most High
has placed us on this earth. America offersmany opportunities to
Muslims: we can give da'wah, attend university and work withour hijab
on, help those less fortunate, and become active in our own Muslim
communitiesand in the larger society.
When you see these women, don't resent them. Feel confident thatyour
husband loves you. Give them a smile, treat them with kindness, and
show them a positive example of Muslim womanhood.
May Allah Most High blessyou and your husband.
And Allah knows best.

Fathwa, - Soul mate... potential spouse or potential disaster?

Question:
asalaamu alaikum,
By Allah's grace, I have recently come in contact with a brother with
whom I share a deep connection. The level of our connectionis so
intense that it is either too good to be true or too overwhelming.
Whatever it is, both of us agree that we have never had such an
exprience with anyoneelse ever.
We are both dedicatedmuslims and sincere inour path of
spirituality.However, it has come to our attention that we may have
certain differences in how we view our deen. It seems to me that for
him the beauty of Islam is in all its details. Where as I want to make
sure that I keep my practicesimple yet extremely sincere. That works
best for me as compulsion tends to make me lose sight of what is
really important which is being the best servant to Allah.
Do you think that in the end, two people should follow their hearts
and go with thepassion Allah has put in their hearts for one
another?... or is it best to make sure all the Islamic views match
before more feelings are involved?
thank you... wa salaam.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah the Absolutely Gracious, the Absolutely Merciful.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah bless our Beloved Prophet and give him peace.
Dear Sister,
I apologize for the delay in responding.
I pray you are in good health and iman.
The number one thing todo is to make the Guidance Prayer, or
Salatal-Istikhara._______________________________________________Both
you and the brother need to make this prayer. Once you have turned to
Allah MostHigh for guidance, then take the next steps.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, gave us certain
criteria to use when selecting a spouse. The first and foremost is
religion. In a rigorously authenticated hadith, the Prophet, Allah
bless him and give him peace, said, "A woman is married for her
wealth, her reputation, her beauty or her religion. Choose the
religious one or you may be ruined." Scholars explain that this hadith
also applies equally to choosing a husband.
Our first choice may be to go with our feelings. However, it is
important to note that the fires of passion can be quickly
extinguished, particularly when the novelty of the spouse wears off
and the realities of married life set in.
After making istikhara, it is important to have some serious
conversations with this brother. Obviously, the conversations must be
chaperoned, so why not choose someone with experience in marriage
counseling? Allah willing,this person can help you identify areas of
potential conflict and suggest useful strategies for dealing with
these issues.
Make no mistake. Every marriage has some degree of conflict, even when
the spouses appear to be completely compatible. What's important is
how the spouses react to each other during the conflict.
Are these issues so fundamental in nature that they could drive
youapart? That is something you and the brother will have to
determine. It is difficult, if not impossible, to find someone who has
completely matching views. On the other hand, such differences,
ifstrong enough, can be a source of constant bickering.
My advice is to take theseconcerns to a reliable scholar. You may also
want to consider running the household according to a particular
school of thought. If both husband and wife agree to run the household
according to a particular school of thought, this may resolvesome
potential conflict.
Last but not least, please consult Ustadha Hedaya Hartford's excellent
guide to Islamic marriage. You can find Initiating and Upholding an
Islamic Marriage at a lmuhajabat.com. This book addresses some of the
key issues you've raised: romantic love, selecting a spouse, and
conflict resolution.

Fathwa, - My rights as a (second) wife

Question:
I wanted to know what rights I had in my Deen in this dilemma. I am my
husband's second wife, and our marriageis undercover from everybody,
my family and his family. We have been married for over three years
now. When we got married my husband assured me that in three years
time he would tell his wife and family, but just a few months laterhe
told me he could never tell her, because he fears he may lose his
children.
All this time I thought things might change, but they haven't and I
think it is very unlikelyto change. He doesn't spend any time with me,
maybe an hour every 6-8 weeks, he doesn't even have timeto talk to me
over the phone, and these things hurt me very much. When I married him
I accepted the fact I had to share him, but this isn't 50/50. When I
complain that he doesn't spend any time with me he says I am
pressurizing him, so I don't say anything,and if I am upset over this
he tells me I am feeling sorry for myself.
If I knew that things would be like this, thatour marriage will never
be public knowledge, I would have never married him. What am I suppose
to tell my family, who except me to get married. How do I explain this
to the world what my relationship is with this man? I've tried talking
to him many times; he just suggestsI look for anther man to marry. I
don't think he knows how much this is hurting me, how much it effects
me. He gets all this rights as my husband, yet he has taken away any
rights Allah SWT has given to every wife.
I cannot talk to anyoneabout my problems, because I'm not allowed to
tell anyone.Every problem I face, I have to face alone. He says he
loves me, but they are just words to me now. I feel like I ambeen
unjustly treated, that's he has misled me.
I would really appreciate if you couldgive me some advice, maybe I am
just looking at this from my point of view, and that I am wrong in
thinking like this. AllahSWT knows best.
Allah Hafiz
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Sister,
I pray that this message finds you in in good health and iman.
You are correct: this is a difficult situation.
My first piece of advice to you is to make sure that you have some
documentation of your marriage. Since the community was not informed
of your marriage, you need to besure that you can prove that you are
this brother's wife. Were there any witnesses to the marriage? Do you
have a contract?
You need to go to the person who performed the marriage ceremony and
apprise him of the situation.
Even more importantly, you need to consult a reliable scholar, Imam,
orMuslim marriage counselor and let them know what is happening.
The brother has violated your rights as a wife on several counts.
Sacred Law absolutely requires men to treat their wives equitably.
Equitable treatment includes, but is not limited to:
1. Financial support and maintenance
2. Housing
3. Companionship
4. Fair division of time between households
This is the letter of the law. If a man cannot dealequitably between
wives, it is impermissible for him to enter into a polygynous
marriage.
The scholars on SunniPath caution against men entering into such
marriages for the very reasons you describe. Obviously your husband is
concerned that if he were to tell his first wife about you, then their
marriage would break up. Since there are so many relationships at
stake here, yours, his first marriage, and his relationship with his
children, you need to reconsider the wisdom of staying in such a
situation.
Please ask Allah Most High to facilitate the bestcourse of action by
turning to Him in istikhara, or the prayer for guidance.