"Husband should feed his wife whenever he eats and cloth her, whenever
he cloths himself, that he not hit her in face, that he not call her
ugly and that he not boycott her except within the house" (Ibn Majah)
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have noone and nowhere to tell and ask for advices. I feel terribly
lonely and helpless. I am aconvert and married an Arab husband about
13 years ago. I do not know where to start my problem as it seems it
has been embedded for years.
We have 3 children and live in America right now. My husband is a
highly educated person but with anger issues. He is so goodin using
logic and language, there is no way that one can reason with him. He
weighs everythingon the benefit of his side. His motto is: what is in
it for me? For him, everything can be measured and there is nothing
called altruism. His assumption is people are selfish and lazy.
Everything people do has a hidden agenda and motive. His religious is
the one who can save the human from being in the stage of selfishness.
His fear of Allah is out of being sent to hell.
He did everything "right" –prays five times a day, fasts not only in
Ramadan,donate the portion that heneeds to (never more, never less),
give money to his mother monthly (out of fear that his mother willnot
pray for him). He is just so robotic and binds to the law and rules of
Islam. One thing he alwaysmentions is if he were not a Muslim, he
would have indulged in sex, drug and alcohol. He praises his religion
so much for stopping him doing such athing. I do not understand why it
has to be extreme that either he has to choose be a bad guy or good
guy.
I have so many friends from my country that theydo not have religion
but live their life fully by volunteering in the societyand living in
a happy and productive life. They surelyknow what is right or wrong
out of their consciousness and their moral/ education background.
Sometimes, I think Islam may be fit to those people who may go to an
extreme astray life, I wonder?
He belittles women in general, calling them lots of name. I do not
feel respect and love from him anymore. I feel disgusted by sleeping
next to him. I feel suffocated.
One thing I want to do is adivorce. I want to breath, Iwant freedom. I
am sorry to say that, I am reaching to the point that I hate being
married to a Muslim man and being a Muslim. I know Islam is the right
religion but I just hate seeing so many men usingit as a means to
control women mentally and physically. When my teenager daughter said
to me that she would never going to choose a Muslim man or at least
not an Arab Muslim or a "religiousone".
I know my relationship with my husband is affecting her unconsciously
already. Shewould even suggest that we should leave him behind as he
does not deserve respect from us. Unfortunately, it appears to me that
my husband's character is not an uncommon around the Arab community
where I live. But most Arab women choose to toleratethis kind of
disrespectful behavior (shouting in bad language, being confined at
home, not allowed to mingle with friends.) I cannot share with those
sisters about my situation as they will look at me as a "rebellious
one" or not religious enough to depend to Allah. Their endurance level
is so high that I do not have.
Sure, he provides food andshelter in the family. According to him,
love is abstract and cannot be measured but food and shelter can.
Other than that, he will play with the children whenever he wants and
he feels like. If he has a bad mood, he willshout and shut the
children out. He will never take the children to a parkor just walk
outside. Whenever the children do something wrong, he will shout and
say some harsh comments, like f**king idiot. He watched TV a lot and
some of them are not appropriate even for Muslim. He will just hush
the children to their room.He watched pornographic movie on the
computer. Ironically, he prays, fasts twice a week and in Ramadan. He
robotic-ally follows every steps of a Muslim should do. I have to
admit, I cannot bear seeing him praying. Even my daughter would say
that Allah would turn his face away from him.
Unfortunately, my husband thinks he makes no mistakes. He measures it
by his acts, such as he pays the bills, he does not fool around, he
does not drink or gamble, he pays his mom on time even though they
have a very bad relationship. He blamed his parents for things in the
past. He shouted at his mother in front of the children. I sawhis
mother crying all the time. He knows he cannot go to heaven if he does
not get his mom's prayer. He will suspect his own shadow. He does not
trust anyone and he is so arrogant that he thinks everyone is idiate.
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'' Our Lord ! grant us good in this world and good in the hereafter and save us from the torment of the Fire '' [Ameen]
-
{in Arab} :->
Rabbanaa aatinaa fid-dunyaa hasanatan wafil aakhirati hasanatan waqinaa 'athaaban-naar/-
(Surah Al-Baqarah ,verse 201)
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